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Fanfic Update! Fragile Things: Three (Haruka/Shizuru)
TITLE: Fragile Things
SERIES: My Otome
AUTHOR: Dreiser
EMAIL: dreiser7@yahoo.com
YAHOO ID: dreiser7
MY WEBSITE: http://www.dreiser.org/
CONTENT: F/F romance. F/F sex. Haruka/Shizuru.
WARNING: Major character deaths, angst, violence, and extreme situations.
SUMMARY: In a single moment of violence, those who matter most to Haruka Armitage and Shizuru Viola are lost. Together they try to restore the broken pieces of their lives and learn to exist without the person they love.
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing but my love of Scrivener. It makes writing so much easier!
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Chapters will probably take longer to come out for this fic. It's the nature of angst, I think.
Fragile Things
By: Dreiser
Three
The list was becoming smaller. Fifty six, forty nine, thirty seven, the numbers began to dwindle. Shizuru expected that the more she killed, the fewer that were left, the better she would feel but that never happened. There was a distinct lack of emotion involved. That empty feeling still remained and Shizuru didn't think it would ever go away. Not as long as Natsuki was dead. But the killing, completing the list, and finishing off the leadership of Fidelus Altus it kept her going. It gave her a focus and Shizuru needed that. If she didn't have a reason to keep moving, to keep breathing, she thought sometimes she would just stop. Shizuru wondered what would happen when she was finally done and the list was finished. What would happen then?
Suicide was an option.
Except Shizuru knew that Natsuki wouldn’t want that. There had been times, similar to this, nothing so awful because she had Natsuki with her but times where they were separated or Natsuki was badly injured. In those times, Natsuki had seen a glimpse of what Shizuru could become without her and she told Shizuru she didn’t like it. She had told her that she wanted Shizuru to survive, to be strong, to keep going on and keep her in her heart always. Shizuru knew because of this Natsuki wouldn’t have wanted her to kill herself.
And so, Shizuru discarded that possibility. Some part of her wanted to die in these battles though. For it to end when the last of Fidelus Altus was dead and she could be at peace. She doubted it would happen. Ever since she entered Garderobe few had presented her with any sort of difficulty or challenge in battle. Haruka had tried, had worked so hard to excel, and Shizuru allowed her those wins in the beginning to give her the victory, the rank, that she thought the blonde desired but it wasn’t that at all. For Haruka it was about the work ethic itself, the drive to improve, and once she found out Shizuru had been holding back her true skills… well, she had never seen the blonde that hurt before.
Natsuki was Shizuru’s first and only love but Haruka was her first and only friend. It was Haruka, not Natsuki, who had seen through her mask from the very start. Haruka had always known when she was pretending. Wearing a fake smile and using a put upon charm and Haruka hated it. Only when she dropped that mask as they grew to know each other as roommates at Garderobe did Haruka begin to accept her. Haruka spoke the truth, even when it was painful, and Shizuru loved that about her. That and how she saw who Shizuru was when no one else did.
Who she was, underneath the mask, all her secrets, they were Natsuki’s because Shizuru let her in. Natsuki broke down those walls, yes, but it was Haruka who saw them in the first place. Maybe it was that which allowed Haruka to be close enough to see the madness seeping through, rather than Yukino dying with Natsuki. Lately Shizuru felt her last vestiges of sanity and control slipping though she did her best to hide it, denying the existence of the monster inside of her.
Sleeping wasn’t easy but Haruka tried her best to make it that way. Often they couldn’t return to the Aswad, so they slept in desolate forests, snowy mountains, harsh areas where Fidelus Altus hid themselves away. Shizuru hated sleeping. She hated the dreams of Natsuki, dreams where she was alive, only to wake and be reminded of her death. She fought sleep but Haruka would cajole her into it and Shizuru refused, doing her best to stay awake, but Haruka never gave up and eventually exhaustion would claim Shizuru despite her best efforts and she would sleep. She wanted to fight Haruka, produce her element and threaten the blonde but it wouldn't do any good. What would she do with it? Kill her only friend? She wasn't that mad. Not yet anyway.
They had taken to sleeping in shifts. There were people searching for them after all. Fidelus Altus and operatives from Garderobe and they couldn’t be caught yet. Whenever it was Shizuru’s turn to sleep Haruka would wake her on the hour. It was after an hour of sleep that the dreams began. Haruka would sit by her side make sure she never had those dreams. They never spoke of it but Shizuru was sure Haruka knew what she dreamed and that was why she helped her. Every night without fail they went through this routine and the sane part of Shizuru was grateful.
Her mind was starting to fail her and she couldn’t think as she used to. It was harder to see the patterns, to work out when people were lying, and she lost her patience when interrogating those hiding Fidelus Altus. The remaining leadership had squirreled themselves away, into different locations than what Midori and her colleagues had found. While the Aswad helped discover some of these new locations not all of them were known and Shizuru had resorted to her old methods of interrogation during their travels across Earl.
When she was done and would walk out of those tiny rooms that seemed to echo with the screams of the men she had tortured, Shizuru would be met with Haruka standing guard, protecting her, keeping her safe, and Shizuru wondered at it. What she had done to deserve this sort of loyalty. She believed Haruka somewhat. That she was doing this to exact retribution for Yukino’s murder but it wasn’t natural, Haruka wanting such a thing. It went against who she was and Midori was right. Haruka was softer than anyone gave her credit for, just as she was kinder too, and this bloody game Shizuru was playing, it wasn’t her sort. If not for Shizuru the blonde wouldn’t be walking down this path. She knew this all too well.
There were moments when she wanted to send Haruka away.
Usually this occurred during the killings. When they found the leadership of Fidelus Altus, when her list grew smaller in numbers, when her element emerged in her hands and turned red with the blood of those men. Haruka was always there, at her side, doing her best to protect her and sometimes Shizuru would make the mistake of looking at her. She would see Haruka’s face, unnaturally without expression, her jaw clenched, and her true emotions being repressed. It was a reminder of how this wasn’t something Haruka was meant to do. How it went against her nature and it was another thing Shizuru hated herself for. Dragging her friend down to this level and she wanted to send Haruka away but she couldn’t.
Though Haruka would flinch during the slaughter, though she would frown as she wiped the blood from Shizuru’s face and cleaned her wounds, though she would be silent as Shizuru ranted on how she would end all of their lives, she never turned from her. She accepted her madness and she never strayed from Shizuru’s side and Shizuru knew, despite all the terrible things she had done, all the horrendous acts that Haruka had witnessed her committing, the blonde would never fear her. She would never fear and she would never leave, not unless Shizuru sent her away, and even then Shizuru wasn’t sure that Haruka would go.
Shizuru loved Haruka for this and it was that emotion keeping a small part of her sane. The ability to feel something for another human being who wasn’t her Natsuki. Someone living and breathing and standing by her side and it kept Shizuru from sending Haruka away. But she knew it was selfish to keep Haruka with her. Surely Yukino cursed her for it. For pulling her wife down into these murky depths, changing her into something far less noble. Shizuru did hate herself for it but all the same, she couldn’t send Haruka away. She needed her too much.
Maybe it was that need, that connection, that would keep her alive when this was over. Shizuru suspected as much whenever she thought about the list being finished and all these men dead. It seemed so far off though, the time when this would happen. She only had a vague sense of the days passing and Shizuru knew it had been months since she had lost her Natsuki but she couldn’t retain a clear grasp of time. She wasn’t sure she wanted that ability, to be honest.
Throughout their travels, hunting these men, they came to know a little of what was happening at Garderobe. Miss Maria had been named the interim Principal, a duty often given to the older Otome in the past. Maya was temporarily reinstated as a staff member to help with the Column duties spread thin between Nao and Sara. They also knew that Nao was searching for them. A task made more difficult by Shizuru destroying the tracking system at Garderobe created for the Columns. Once it was repaired they would have little chance to evade Nao. It was another reason they had to work quickly. On one late night return to the Aswad they were confronted by an angry Midori who informed them that the 4th Column had somehow found a way through their barrier and searched the premises for them. It was then that they decided to leave the Aswad more often, to stay in desolate places while they conducted their searches, to keep them safe from their colleagues prying eyes.
Tonight they were returning to Windbloom and Wind City. It was dangerous, going somewhere that close to Garderobe with Nao constantly on the hunt, but they had information that five of Fidelus Altus’ leaders had come to the city. They were hiding in the small slum that still remained despite all of Queen Mashiro’s reforms and with their deaths the list would become smaller yet. Leaving just thirty two remaining. Little by little, bit by bit, she was getting rid of them all.
Soon they would all be dead and the list would be completed and Shizuru didn’t know what would become of her then. Perhaps she would let Nao find her and see what the other Otome had planned. Certainly her actions were criminal. It was possible that a lifetime in a jail was her future. Shizuru didn’t know. She just knew this wouldn’t end. Not until she killed every last one of them.
—-
Standing guard for Shizuru was how Haruka spent most of her days and nights. Everything in her life involved Shizuru now. In a way Shizuru had become her life. Journeying with her, protecting her, caring for her, it was all about Shizuru and Haruka knew this wasn’t good. That Shizuru had become a crutch for her, a strange replacement for Yukino. Before everything she did was for her wife and their life together but now it was for Shizuru. The one seeking vengeance for Natsuki and Yukino’s deaths.
After they got rid of the ten who were responsible for the attack, Haruka couldn’t find it in her to kill anymore. Not unless it was out of necessity or self-defense. Haruka didn’t have the strength to finish off the rest of them but she couldn’t leave Shizuru. She needed to be by Shizuru’s side, to keep her safe, protect her in a way she couldn’t do for Yukino because it was Shizuru who was avenging Yukino’s death and it was Shizuru who understood. Who knew what it was to feel this gaping hole in your heart and have a constant sense that the world just wasn’t right anymore.
Watching Shizuru in battle was a beautiful but frightening thing. Haruka had always thought this. Her former roommate moved with such grace that she would find herself mesmerized, only snapped out of this state by the spray of blood and the screams of her victims. Shizuru killed with an ease that was inhuman and Haruka knew she should be wary of it. What was going on wasn’t natural and Shizuru was changing. There had always been a distance to her, that was what made Haruka angry when they met as students at Garderobe. Seeing the farce that Shizuru would perform, the pretense she put on, hiding who she really was and only showing a mask of cool perfection which echoed of a certain amount of disdain and superiority.
Haruka hated it and she hated Shizuru at first. Then they spent more and more time together, as roommates and training with Miss Maria, and she saw past that mask to who was really there. When it happened Haruka didn’t really know but somehow they became friends and Haruka trusted Shizuru. But the Shizuru she trusted, the Shizuru she befriended, she seemed to be falling away into an abyss where Haruka couldn’t reach. Shizuru wouldn’t speak to her, not really, and if she wouldn’t speak, she wouldn’t share, how was Haruka to know the right way to help other than being there?
That’s why she spent her days and nights caring for Shizuru. Helping her locate the remaining members of Fidelus Altus, mapping the course to where they were, defending her in battle and killing those that threatened her, aiding her escape when they were done, and cleaning her wounds when they returned to base camp. This was all she could do for her friend, these small, meager, things. Haruka felt insignificant, worthless, unable to save Yukino and unable to really help Shizuru but she kept caring for her. Cooking her meals, changing her clothes, helping her to sleep through the night.
This was Haruka’s existence and it provided a measure of escape from the memories of her failure. Then she would have those moments where she would see something, hear something, and a flash of Yukino would emerge. Blinding joy would seize her and in those rare instances she was really and truly happy. Because in those moments it was like Yukino was with her again. Only those moments, they would end far too soon. Leaving her to remember how Yukino was gone, how she had failed her, and how it was Shizuru, not her, who had the strength to finish off her murderers.
She wondered sometimes what their people would think of her. Their great Continental Orb Topaz, their brave Brigadier General, who was unable to save the woman she had loved since she was a child, unable to exact revenge, relying instead on her oldest friend to do that job for her while she stood on the sidelines. Haruka hated herself a little bit more every day and she tried to convince herself she helped Shizuru somehow but that was a lie.
If she was helping then Shizuru wouldn’t be worse, the madness in her eyes wouldn’t be there more often.
There was nothing Haruka could do but stay by Shizuru’s side and try to help however she could. Which is what she was focused on now. They had returned to Windbloom and Wind City, successfully killing five more of Fidelus Altus’ leaders only to discover there were three others in hiding in the dregs of the city. Scurrying from them, like rats on a sinking ship, it wasn’t long before they tracked them down in a run down bar. Moving quickly as she could, Haruka cleared out the citizens of Windbloom, not wanting them to see, to get involved in their business, and slammed the door shut, leaving Shizuru alone with the three nobles who claimed leadership roles in Fidelus Altus. She stood guard, eyes alert and flexing her fingers, ready to summon her element at any sign of trouble. She never expected that trouble to arrive in the form of Arika Yumemiya though.
“General?”
Whipping her head up, Haruka was met with the sight of Arika flying in the air, materialized in her robe. In the back of her mind, knowing they were hunted by their fellow Columns, Haruka was grateful the girl wasn’t in Zwei mode. She would prove a bigger problem if she was and should it come down to a battle Haruka wouldn’t be able to hold anything back if Arika was in that blue robe that was so reminiscent of her mother’s frightening power. Fortunately she was in her usual colors, pink and white, and her blue eyes were impossibly wide and worried as she looked at Haruka. Seeing Arika made Haruka feel ashamed somehow.
“I’m not a General anymore,” Haruka replied and her heart felt mysteriously lighter just from being near Arika. There was an innocence to this girl along with a sincerity and Haruka had liked her from the start. The affection she felt for Arika was the reason she dearly wished Arika wouldn’t force her hand. Make her choose between protecting Shizuru and their mission and doing the right thing by a girl that she had always wanted to mentor in some strange way. “What are you doing flying around? Shouldn’t you be guarding the Queen? That’s an Otome’s job,” Haruka said this in a mutter, her eyes turning dark, thinking how not long ago it was her job and she had done it well. Until she failed her Master, until she let Yukino die.
“Mashiro likes me to patrol the city,” revealed Arika, floating in front of Haruka, concern on her features. “General,” Arika called her that damn title again, the thing that she wasn’t, the thing that she had betrayed, and moved closer. “Where have you been? It’s been five months… Nao has been looking everywhere for you and Shizuru-oneesama.”
“We’ve been working,” said Haruka and she kept her face as neutral as possible. She wasn’t good at lying, not like Shizuru. It was hard for her, deception and trickery, just like stealth and speed, they had to be forced along. Haruka just knew to try and not make any expressions. That was the one thing she could do in this type of situation. Yet another way she wasn’t good enough, yet another sign of uselessness. Haruka clenched her jaw and formed her hands into fists. “What about you?”
“General,” Arika said it again and Haruka’s fingers dug into her skin and she wanted to scream at the girl to stop calling her that but she couldn’t. She couldn’t do that to her. Not to this girl who was everything she used to be but so much better. “I didn’t get to speak to you at Yukino-san’s funeral. I wanted to tell you how sorry—”
“Everybody’s sorry,” interrupted Haruka and Arika landed now, standing in front of her and frowning. “They can all be sorry but she’ll still be dead and it’ll still be my fault.” Seeing Arika start to protest, Haruka’s eyes narrowed and she said in quiet but caustic tones, “It’s the truth. Yukino wouldn’t have died if I was there. I always saved her before. Always.”
Silence and Arika looked at her with eyes that were impossibly blue and brimming with concern. An absurd part of Haruka wanted to pat the girl on the head and tell her everything would be all right. She looked so much like a sad child in that moment but Haruka couldn’t. Not with Shizuru in that bar with those men, not when it could effect their mission.
“What are you doing here?” Arika finally asked.
“Working,” said Haruka and she maintained her neutral expression. Slowly she uncurled her hands from the tight fists she had formed, her fingertips itching and something in her knew she would be summoning her element soon.
“I came here because some officers saw citizens fleeing this area in a panic,” said Arika and she was looking behind Haruka, at the door she guarded. “Do you know anything about that?”
Whatever inadequate lie Haruka would have told was halted by the sound of a loud crash and men screaming and Haruka flinched, knowing Shizuru was in there finishing the job she was too cowardly to do herself. Arika was moving forward again, saying she had to get in there, she had to see what was going on, she had to help, but Haruka couldn’t let that happen. As pathetic as she was, as useless, she was Shizuru’s protection and she wouldn’t fail her like she failed Yukino.
The double bladed axe emerged in her hands, the weight comforting and solid, and Haruka raised it level to her chest, keeping her stare even with Arika’s. “I can’t let you do that,” she said brusquely.
“General?” Arika called her that title once more and at last Haruka snapped at the sound of it.
“I’m not a General,” Haruka barely ground the words out, her features forming a dark scowl. “I’m not that person anymore. I can’t be. Too much has happened.” Shifting the axe in her hands, a hard look in her eyes, she continued, “You won’t get past.”
Another crash and the screaming, it was louder, so much louder, and Haruka wondered how many Shizuru had killed. There were only three of them but sometimes Shizuru liked to take her time. Sometimes she liked to play. Haruka grimaced, imagining what was happening to those men and she knew she couldn’t let Arika get past her and see it. The girl was a good fighter, she was ferocious and powerful, but she wasn’t hardened by battle and Haruka didn’t want her to know things like that.
“Don’t do this,” Arika was pleading and Haruka didn’t reply, simply meeting her gaze head on. She couldn’t back down, not about this, it was her only duty, and she had to preserve the trust Shizuru had in her. Arika looked sadder now, as if she might cry, and she was in the air again, her double bladed crystal lance forming in her hands. “I don’t want to fight you,” said Arika in soft and oh so sad tones and it tore at Haruka’s heart, hearing her sound that way. “Please move.”
“There’s nothing in there you need to see,” said Haruka gruff but firm, flying in the air and holding her axe at the ready. “I don’t want to fight you either but I can’t let you go in there. So the only way in that bar is getting past me.”
Just a flash of movement and the shine of that blue crystal lance then Arika was in front of her. Haruka was strong but she wasn’t fast, she never had been. That’s how Shizuru always beat her in school because she would move too fast for Haruka’s blows to hit her. Arika reminded her of Shizuru in a way, with how she moved, flitted about the sky, darting here and there, and there was a familiarity to this battle. The girl was good, very good, but Haruka was holding back. She didn’t want to hurt Arika, to allow herself to fall into that frenzied joy she always got in the middle of a good fight. Whenever she did that she lost control and people got hurt and things got destroyed. Haruka couldn’t do that to Arika and Windbloom.
They ran these missions according to Shizuru’s style. Stealth and secret and that meant keeping their presence as close to invisible as possible. It was bad enough Arika was here in the first place but Haruka fighting her? That made things so much worse. Still, at least there wasn’t any Ultimate Blue Sky robe to deal with. Haruka knew her own limitations and had seen what Arika could do when in that robe and she knew her defeat would have been inevitable in that situation.
Things weren’t much better without it though. Haruka couldn’t bring herself to use her full strength and that was the only easy way of stopping Arika’s relentless attacks. She decided to hold her position and watch for the girl’s next strike, planning on getting hold of the crystal lance. Once she had Arika’s element in hand, the battle should turn in her favor. But doing this was harder than Haruka could have anticipated and they were soon dueling with Haruka having to use her axe to ward off blows from Arika’s lance. She lunged forward, grabbing at the lance, only to find herself grasping at thin air and she jerked her head up just to see Arika attacking her from above, moving fast enough that Haruka knew she wouldn’t have time to defend.
The hiss of metal slicing through air, almost silent and entirely deadly, a sound that Haruka recognized all too well, and then Arika was crying out as she was wrapped up in the chains of Shizuru’s element. Haruka turned to see Shizuru floating by her side, her expression devoid of emotion as she studied Arika who remained her prisoner. Perhaps sensing Haruka’s attention, she turned to the blonde, tilting her head to one side and offering a smile that chilled Haruka to the bone.
“Twenty nine are left,” informed Shizuru. “Isn’t that nice?”
“Yeah, it’s real nice,” said Haruka with a touch of nervousness, looking from Shizuru to Arika. So far they hadn’t ever run into former colleagues turned temporary enemies in their hunt and she didn’t want to know what the brunette might do to Arika if she further opposed them. “Shizuru,” she said softly, touching the hand that held onto the element. “Let Arika go.”
No response came from Shizuru, just her rust colored eyes, flat and almost lifeless, moving from Haruka to the captured girl. Considering her like a spider might consider an insect caught in its web. “If Haruka wants,” Shizuru said after several long and tense moments, flicking her wrist and sending her chain snapping back to transform into its normal double bladed shape.
Arika gasped for air, her chest and lungs no doubt constricted from the stranglehold of the chain, and when she lifted her head that expression was on her face again but it was so much worse than before. There was hurt mixed in with the concern and the worry and Haruka wished yet again that the girl had never happened upon them. At a young age, Arika had already experienced too many things she shouldn’t have and tonight it would only get worse and it was their fault.
“Shizuru-oneesama,” Arika managed to say, her blue eyes shining. “Why?” No reply came from Shizuru, she simply stared into the distance, her face a stone mask, and Haruka was relieved to see this for once. The brunette had turned increasingly distant as their mission went on. It seemed the more men she killed the more detached from reality Shizuru became and it worried Haruka but now she was glad for it because she had been honestly afraid at what Shizuru would say in response. Refusing to let this go, Arika flew closer to them, though cautious in her movements as she asked, “What were you doing in there?”
This time Shizuru appeared to hear Arika and faced the girl. Then that chilling smile formed on Shizuru’s features again. “Ara,” she murmured in her familiar tones that were once charming in their light teasing but now held a sinister undercurrent. “Nothing much. Just disposing of vermin that have infested your local pub.” Arika whispered Shizuru’s name, her eyes wide, and Haruka could see the horror forming as she worked out what Shizuru meant. But this was lost on Shizuru who moved her focus to the blonde. “Haruka,” Shizuru said her name with a lilting affection and it was in these rare instances when she sounded that way that it felt as if she had her friend back again. “We’re leaving. Twenty nine are still left.”
“Right,” said Haruka quietly, nodding her head, dimly aware of the brunette flying in the direction of Florince, where the next names on the list were supposedly hiding. She started to follow only to stop and turn back to Arika who remained frozen, not really looking at anything. Saying the girl’s name, she offered a faint smile when Arika looked up at her. The misery taking hold, enough that was all she could feel in this moment, Haruka said, “Don’t go in there. It’s not something you should see.”
“General,” Arika said this plaintively and to Haruka it was as if the girl was begging her to be who she was when she held that title but that person was gone now. They died with Yukino and they couldn’t return. It was impossible.
“Don’t go in there,” Haruka repeated this adamantly. “Get Cardinal to do it but not you, Arika. I don’t want you to see.” Shizuru called for her and Haruka jerked her head up, looking at her friend who wore an expectant expression that seemed to hold a tiny trace of anxiety and Haruka wondered if Shizuru thought she wouldn’t follow. She could never do that though. How could she leave the one person who understood the hell that she was in because of Yukino’s death? It wasn’t an option. “I’m coming.”
As she flew away, Arika was crying out her former title, but Haruka couldn’t look back. She couldn’t look back and see that lost and hurt expression she knew would be on Arika’s face. The one that told of the disappointment and confusion over what had become of the Otome she once looked up to. It was an expression that would demand explanation and Haruka didn’t have any to offer, just her own feelings of despair and hopelessness, and the belief that this mission was all she had.
Everything else had been devastated and all that remained was a shell.
—-
It used to be that Haruka never feared change. She embraced it because change was at the very heart of the Aries democracy. Without change new ideas never emerged and civilizations grew stagnant. That’s what Yukino always told her anyway. Haruka just knew that it brought about things that were usually for the better and Haruka liked that. But now change signified her loss of Yukino and Haruka was wary. Even so, she marveled at the change in the Aswad’s surroundings.
They were a cursed people, the unforgiving tribe, exiled to a harsh and seemingly intolerable desert. Now they lived in their ancient homeland, the Black Valley, which was lush and fertile. Despite this, their old ways stayed with them, their instinct was still to isolate and protect their own, and this was evident in the large barrier surrounding their compound.
But the barrier couldn’t take away the beauty of the valley and whenever they returned to the Aswad, Haruka would lose herself in it. Walking through the woods, sitting by the lake, finding a measure of peace in these moments. She was at one of her favorite spots, a high cliff just above the large lake that was on the eastern edge of the compound. Staring down at the water, watching the waves lap onto the shore, Haruka was entranced, her mind gratefully empty of thought.
“Haruka,” Midori said her name and the blonde looked up at the redhead who moved to sit next to her. It was strange. Besides Shizuru, only Midori remembered not to call Haruka by her former title. Such a small thing but Haruka appreciated it more than she could say. Because it was too painful to hear people call her General. Reminding her of the woman she used to be, the woman that was gone forever. “Shizuru just told me you will be leaving tomorrow. Journeying to Verviers.”
Staring at the lake again, Haruka nodded and she hoped that would be the end of it. Midori didn’t talk much but when she did it was always blunt and to the point, sparing no feelings, and letting you know exactly how she felt. Usually this was a quality that Haruka quite liked but today she didn’t have the strength for it. She wanted to be left in her illusion of peace. Imagining the world to be a less monstrous place than what she currently knew. Midori was surely about to end that.
“The list is almost completed,” said Midori and Haruka frowned, her hands clenching into fists. She didn’t want to think about that. It had been an odd little game she’d been playing. Trying to stall their mission, to keep them going longer, because she didn’t know what would happen when they were through and Shizuru had killed them all. To be honest, she feared that change, feared discovering what her friend would transform into and she wanted to avoid it but she couldn’t. It was getting too close. “She will shatter once it’s finished. Perhaps the very instant she kills the last of them. You know this, don’t you?”
“I’ve been trying to slow her down,” admitted Haruka in a mutter. A bitter smile twisted on her lips as she added, “I failed.” She released her hands, flexing her fingers over her thighs, staring at her pants, dirty from so much travel. “I won’t let her come back here, not unless she’s right in her head. Don’t worry about that.”
“You surprise me,” Midori remarked after a moment and Haruka turned to the other woman, surprised to see a genuine smile on her face. “You’re a soft person, it’s true, but you have a resolve most don’t. It’s been eight months since I gave her that list and I think for every minute that passes she loses a little more of her sanity. Anyone else would have abandoned her.”
“Shizuru’s my friend,” said Haruka resolutely, a frown forming. “It’s not her fault she’s this way. Shizuru…” Haruka trailed off, her violet eyes growing dark as she thought of the other woman and her love for Natsuki. “She’s not good with people. Maybe she can charm them, seduce them, impress them, but I never got the feeling she liked them much. It was different with Natsuki. The kid changed her. Made her care about what another person thought, made her finally show somebody who she was.” Looking over at Midori, she said solemnly, “How is she supposed to act when the person who did all that is murdered? I wouldn’t be sane.” Turning her attention to the lake, her hands moving back into clenched fists, Haruka snorted, “I know I’m not.”
“Your President,” said Midori after a long moment. “What would she think of this? She wouldn’t approve, would she?”
“No,” Haruka said in a growl, quickly losing her patience. “She wouldn’t. But Yukino’s dead and I’m left behind.”
She often thought about the debates she and Yukino would have. The differences in opinions they would talk through and always come to some mutual resolution. Yukino wouldn’t want her helping Shizuru right now. Yukino would be begging Haruka to stop Shizuru, to find some peaceful method to capture the members of Fidelus Altus, and bring them before a jury of their peers. Haruka knew when this was over she would have to pay for her crimes, stand before The Council, those world leaders who had been Yukino’s colleagues for twelve years and explain her actions. She had no idea what she would say just like she had no idea how she could ever explain to Yukino how she could do all this. How she could allow herself to sink this low.
“Revenge has consumed your friend,” Midori murmured, rising to her feet, her hands resting on her hips. She looked down at Haruka with an unrelenting expression. “She’s on the brink of madness and killing the last of them will push her over. I can’t have her return to the Aswad after you finish this. Not unless she’s gained some semblance of control. I won’t risk my people’s safety.”
“I know,” Haruka nodded, holding Midori’s gaze as she gave her agreement. Seeing that Aswad’s Leader was satisfied, she looked into the distance and said, “Shizuru needs to be stopped.”
There was silence as Midori studied Haruka then she questioned, “Will you be the one to do it?”
Stopping Shizuru, was such a thing possible? Just thinking of it seemed like a ridiculous prospect. Haruka had lost countless times to Shizuru when the other woman was in control, her abilities held in check, and to try now when she lost all her restraint? It seemed an insurmountable task, to say the least. Shizuru was a force of nature in battle, brutal and merciless, you couldn’t reason with her and you couldn’t escape. Even though she was her friend, Haruka was certain that if she was to get in her way and impeded her revenge, Shizuru would strike her down and there wasn't much she could do about it. But she always tried. That was who she was. Haruka never backed down, she never gave up, she tried and tried again until she finally succeeded but in this battle Haruka didn’t think there would be a second chance. If she did this it could very well mean the end of them both.
“I’m going to try,” said Haruka simply.
—-
Verviers was a small but rich country that was in the volatile landscape between Artai and Cardair. The tiny nation was protected by a high mountain range which surrounded their borders entirely and created a natural barrier against their enemies. No doubt those mountains and their large population of nobles were reasons why the last remaining leaders of Fidelus Altus were hiding there. Just five of them. That was the end of their list and thinking of it, Shizuru felt stranger than usual.
She had felt separate since this all began. It was like her heart and mind were stolen from her body the instant that Natsuki died and Shizuru was too angry to search for them. Her true self had gone missing and Shizuru didn’t care to look for it, not when she had her mission to complete. She had to kill the men who murdered her Natsuki. That was all she had to keep her going and it was what she focused on. Nothing else mattered except achieving that goal.
Shizuru had grown used to that strange feeling of disconnection that had slid into her daily life. Usually it was only when she was in battle that it would happen the most. The red veil falling before her eyes and her inability to see anything but the kill only now it was slowly moving into her daily existence. It was as if she was looking down on herself and she couldn’t really see those around her. Even Haruka. Sometimes the blonde would speak to her, call her name, and by the time she finally noticed several minutes would sometimes pass. Often Haruka’s hands were on her shoulders, as if she had been shaking her. This was surely a sign of her deteriorating mental health but there was little she could do to stop it. A fog had begun to cover her mind and she only could see things clearly when she was killing those men.
It gave her a purpose, a reason to go on, and soon it would be over.
That wasn’t something she could think about. She couldn’t let herself. If she did Shizuru was sure that she would go crazier than she already was. The mission, that was the only thing in her mind, it was what held her together and she kept it there as she felt that clarity and awful stillness fall over her as she crashed through the door of a small cottage. The people were screaming and she could hear Haruka sending the citizens away but she didn’t care about them. Where were the five?
Crashing and cutting through the rooms, overturning furniture until she found a small metal door hidden underneath a bed. Standing to one side, she pulled the handle and formed a twisted smile as a rain of gunfire came from below. She had found them. Hiding like roaches in the dank and the dark. The first ten returned to her mind and she recalled how Haruka killed the last of them. Her smile growing wider, she floated off the floor. Her element shifted in her hands, from the double blades to the chain, ripping and slicing through the heavy wooden boards and sending them crashing down onto their heads.
There were screams, lovely screams of pain, and they were cursing at her. Shizuru enjoyed it when they cursed. Sometimes they called her the monster that she was, declaring her a demon, and Shizuru felt like one. Certainly these skills she had didn’t come from heaven, they were from somewhere far more sinister and hell seemed a fitting place.
Blood and broken bones, one of them had a broken neck, and Shizuru frowned. She had wanted to kill them all personally. His death was still hers to claim but it wasn’t the same, it was indirect and Shizuru rather liked their ending to be an intimate moment. She enjoyed seeing the fear in their eyes as she took their last breath, delighting in their anguish and terror. It was happening now as she approached the first of them and he screamed as her chain flew out, wrapping around his neck, squeezing tighter and tighter until not a breath could be taken in.
“Shhh,” Shizuru whispered, touching his cheek with her fingertips and watching him slowly die. The shift of his skin color fascinated her, it had a bluish purple tinge and he was grasping at her, fingers digging into her skin and she just pulled tighter until he went slack in her arms. It was in that moment the remaining three jumped on her in some futile attempt at survival. “It won’t help you,” she noted and there was a mocking sorrow in her voice as her chain transformed into the double blades.
Whirling around, she gutted the one on her left, removing her naginata to immediately slice completely through the one in front of her. His body falling in parts to the floor, he reminded Shizuru of building blocks she had used as a child, and it made her laugh to think of this. The very last one, he was screaming in fear, and Shizuru really didn’t want to hear that now. It wasn’t musical to her anymore, it was an annoyance, and she flicked her wrist, transforming her element once again into the metal chain, ripping through his body. When she was done there were just pieces, nothing left that could tell you he was once a man, and Shizuru didn’t feel anything. There was no happiness, there was no relief, not even that small satisfaction she often had before.
This couldn’t be it. She couldn’t be done. No matter what Midori’s list said, this couldn’t be all of them. There had to be more. They were too big, they had existed too long, Haruka told her that. Aries had been dealing with the likes of Fidelus Altus since the formation of their country over two hundred years ago. What about those people that Haruka had run out of here? They were hiding the leadership so of course they were members. People who belonged to the terrorist group who murdered her Natsuki deserved to be punished for her death. They all deserved to die, not just the leaders, but every last person who aided Fidelus Altus in their mission. There were thousands of them left and Shizuru felt that awful clarity seize her again.
Her element in hand, Shizuru flew up through the broken cellar, knowing what she had to do, and intent on her mission. She left that cottage and saw the people in the distance and flew after them, ignoring Haruka’s calls. They hid them, they helped them, they were part of their group, and they had to die, every single one of them. They had to die for her Natsuki and Shizuru couldn’t rest until it was done. She still had something to keep her going now, she still had her focus, and though she had fallen into the final stages of madness there was a terrible joy seizing her to have that once again.
The chain was cutting through the air, about to capture the woman lagging in the back, and Shizuru only absently noted that she had a child in front of her. So they were recruiting the young. Her target was in her sights but there was a flash of yellow and Haruka was there, grimacing as she held onto the chain, her hands bloody as it cut through her robe.
“Shizuru!” Haruka was screaming her name and Shizuru had never heard her sound like this. It was almost like those men she killed and distantly she thought it wasn’t right, hearing Haruka sound that way. “They’re innocent! You’ve got to stop this.”
“They hid them,” replied Shizuru in chilly tones, watching as they escaped into the woods, a dark expression forming. “They aided our enemies and they become our enemies, Haruka. They’re part of the reason my Natsuki died.”
“No, Shizuru,” Haruka shook her head and she had that stubborn look Shizuru was so familiar with from their time at Garderobe. “You know that’s not true. You’re grasping at slaw.”
“Straws,” Shizuru corrected with an edge of menace, retracting her chain and changing her element into the double blades. She kept it level to her chest and watched as Haruka summoned her double bladed axe. That voice she sometimes heard, the soft echo in her mind that sounded so much like her precious Natsuki, it was growing louder now. Telling her not to do this, that Haruka was her friend, the one person who stood by her side through so much pain. But there was something else in her head, not a voice but an overwhelming feeling, an uncontrollable urge, and it was pressing her forward, telling her to kill those people, saying their deaths would somehow help ease the ache of losing Natsuki. It hurt too much, being without her, being alone, and Shizuru would do anything to end it. Even fighting her only friend. “Move, Haruka,” Shizuru ordered.
“No,” Haruka refused obstinately and Shizuru could see the fear in her eyes.
Despite what many thought of the former General, Shizuru knew she was more intelligent than what they realized. Haruka was distinctly aware of her own limitations and failures as a fighter and she had lost against Shizuru enough to know there was little chance in victory. Shizuru wondered why she was doing this then and in that moment, she hated her friend for forcing her hand, for making her do this, and raising her naginata in preparation for battle, Shizuru tried to shake off that fog.
The spark and clash of metal, blows exchanged, and Haruka was doing well. She always did well in the beginning and then Shizuru would find her weakness and end the battle. Shizuru was trying desperately to focus now, to keep that fog from falling, to prevent the red veil of rage from descending. If that happened, if she lost control, she didn’t know what would happen to Haruka. Why was Haruka doing this? Didn’t she know? Didn’t she see? Shizuru had slaughtered hundreds in these past months and the blonde had been there, she had witnessed what she could do, the brutality she possessed in her revenge. Why was Haruka fighting her now when Shizuru didn’t know if she could control the monster from killing again?
Continuing her mission, this was the only thing she could do for her Natsuki. Everything had been for Natsuki, she was the reason Shizuru existed, but she was gone and all Shizuru could do was kill those who killed her. Haruka was trying to take that away. The only reason she had to keep going, the only thing that gave her a focus, and Shizuru could feel that veil falling and she tried to fight it, to remind herself who was in front of her but soon the only thing she saw was someone in her way.
Was it the scream of agony? The scent of blood? Or the warm feel of Haruka’s hands on her face? Shizuru didn’t know but that fog lifted just in time to watch her friend falling from the sky, body bloody and broken, and Shizuru shouted Haruka’s name, flying after her, catching her an instant before she hit the ground. Her robe was shattered and her element gone and the blonde was unconscious, passed out from the extent of her injuries. The injuries that Shizuru had given her. Shizuru looked at the mangled form of the woman who stood by her side all these months and all the rage drained away and she was herself again.
Panic stricken, Shizuru treated Haruka’s injuries the best she could, attempting to stave off the blood loss by tying tourniquets. Gathering Haruka in her arms, she flew faster than she ever had before. The wind biting her face and chilling her skin as she flew towards the Aswad. She hadn’t used her GEM to contact Garderobe since they had started their mission but she used it now, calling Youko Helene, begging her to come to the Black Valley and help Haruka. In the background she could hear Sara, demanding to know what happened, what she did, but Shizuru cut off communication and focused on her flight.
Every few minutes she would check Haruka’s condition, make sure she was still breathing, and tighten the makeshift tourniquets made from torn cloth. Haruka was pale, so pale and cold and Shizuru knew if Haruka died because of her the sanity that had just returned would quickly leave and it wouldn’t matter what Natsuki would have wanted. She would kill herself.
—-
Youko tried to make Shizuru leave while she treated Haruka’s wounds. Said she needed room to work, that Shizuru would be in the way, and for a moment that red veil of rage fell over Shizuru’s eyes again and she replied that she wasn’t going anywhere. It was enough to get the doctor to concede and Shizuru stayed where she was, her fingernails digging into the palms of her skin, hands white from the pressure of how tight she had them clenched as she watched Youko work.
If she killed Haruka, if Haruka died because of her, Shizuru would die with her, there was no question in her mind. And if she survived, if she lived, Shizuru would do anything to make up for what she had done on this day. How she could do that, she had no idea but she would try her best. It was the least she could do for the only person who stayed with her during the worst of her madness, when she had been falling over the edge into permanent insanity.
The nanomachines sped up the healing process, made Otome more than human, harder to harm and faster to recover but Haruka hadn’t been taking care of herself. Her attention had been on Shizuru. Making sure she ate, she slept, her injuries were healed, and in the process Haruka ignored her own failing health. She was paying the price for that now and Shizuru knew this was her fault as well. All she could see was those men and finishing the list, killing every last one of them, getting vengeance for her Natsuki but what good did that do? Revenge wouldn’t bring Natsuki back and now Haruka might die because of her.
Finally Youko walked away from Haruka, she looked exhausted but relieved, and Shizuru watched nervously as she approached. The doctor frowned at Shizuru and she wondered what the other woman saw when she looked at her. A monster? A murderer? Something awful, Shizuru was certain. She knew that from the disapproving light in her eyes.
“The General has severe injuries,” said Youko succinctly. “She would’ve died from the blood loss alone if I hadn’t gotten here in time.” Youko had a steely look on her features and folded her arms over her chest. “What happened to her?”
I attacked her? I almost killed her? The words were on the tip of Shizuru’s tongue but they never came. Just the quiet creak of the door opening and Sara standing there, her expression grim and unforgiving. “You did it, didn’t you?” Sara accused.
Part of Shizuru wondered how Sara had known it was all right to come in. That Youko was finished and Haruka was safe. Then she realized Sara probably didn’t care. She just wanted to see Haruka, to be near her, to watch over her the same as Shizuru. The younger Otome was clearly fond of Haruka, harboring a crush that had always been obvious to Shizuru.
“Yes,” said Shizuru and she dug her fingernails in deeper, trying to concentrate on the pain. Absurdly, she almost said she didn’t mean to, that it had been an accident, but it wasn’t any of these things. She chose to attack Haruka because she was in the way of her revenge and Haruka paid the price for that. Shizuru couldn’t excuse that or explain it away just like she couldn’t do that for the men she killed. She would have to accept their deaths were on her head, just like Haruka’s injuries were. “I did.”
“Haruka-onee…” Sara abruptly stopped and shook her head. Shizuru watched the younger woman rub at her eyes furiously, getting rid of her tears, before staring at Shizuru with a steadfast gaze. “Haruka doesn’t hurt easily. We all know she can take more punishment than most Otome and her robe was shattered from your battle. That means you fought with all your skill.”
“Does Sara have a question?” asked Shizuru and she knew she should be meek, she should be humble, especially after what she had done to the one person who cared for her, who understood her, but she couldn’t. Besides, Sara wasn’t that person. She was an outsider, someone who knew only a glimpse of the relationship she had with Haruka. Sara would never understand.
“Why did you do it?” asked Sara in curt tones. “Why attack the woman who stood by your side all this time?”
The fingernails were digging into her flesh, harder than before, blood pricking at her fingertips and Shizuru stared at Haruka lying on that bed. Even after the transfusions she was a pale and sickly color. It looked unnatural on Haruka who was normally the height of health, her skin an even brown tan at all times. Haruka was strong, so very strong, but she had reduced her to this and she wished she could recall the battle but those moments were a haze. Like some awful dream she couldn’t reach, nipping at the edges of her mind. She suspected that the blonde tried to subdue her rather than truly do battle. That explained her condition.
“I wanted revenge for my Natsuki and she got in my way,” Shizuru finally said in whisper, shame lacing her every word.
Midori entered the room, inquiring on Haruka’s health, and Youko went to speak with her. Shizuru and Sara were left alone and the brunette turned from the other Column, walking to Haruka’s bed and sitting at the edge. There were so many bandages. They covered her arms, legs, abdomen, and head. The former General looked like something akin to a mummy and Shizuru wondered how long it would be until she fully recovered. She suspected it wouldn’t be anytime soon.
“Arika told us about that night in Windbloom,” said Sara after several moments of silence. She stood at the top of the bed, her eyes fixed on Haruka’s pale features. Her hand moved down, gently sweeping across the portion of her forehead that wasn’t bandaged, pushing the hair from Haruka’s eyes. “Haruka was fighting her for you. To keep her out of that bar while you murdered those people. You know she wouldn’t have done things like that before. It’s not who she is.”
“Haruka has been pulled down to my level,” said Shizuru impassively, speaking aloud the thought she carried for so many months. Sara scowled at her and Shizuru turned to Sara, her expression blank. “It means little but I never intended to hurt her.”
Sara’s reply was silenced by a soft groan and both their heads turned in a flash, focusing on Haruka who was muttering in her sleep. Violet eyes fluttered but didn’t open and they hovered over the blonde who groaned and rasped Shizuru’s name. Her right arm, which was in a cast, shifted in an imperceptible movement and Shizuru stilled it, softly holding her exposed fingers and squeezing them gently in reassurance. Haruka shifted again, releasing a low mutter, inquiring in her restless slumber about Shizuru’s safety. The brunette swallowed hard, leaning down to whisper in Haruka’s ear she was there, she was safe, and the former General stilled after several moments, relaxing as Shizuru slowly moved away
If she could cry, she would be doing that now. Shizuru knew this. She wanted to cry for Haruka. Who in her injured state only thought of her and Shizuru wondered what she had done to merit this concern. The tears would come later. When she was alone with Haruka, when she couldn’t feel the rage coming from Sara in waves.
“You’re safe but what about her?” questioned Sara harshly and Shizuru raised her head, studying her evenly. “I’m not making this a secret. I don’t approve of what you’ve been doing. Maybe those men were criminals, terrorists, but that didn’t give you the right to slaughter them like animals. It should’ve been handled by the courts, not your renegade sense of justice, and on top of it all you got Haruka involved only to leave her like this.” Rust colored eyes narrowed and Sara sighed, pushing at her spiky blonde hair as she muttered, “But I can understand why you did it, the both of you.”
“I never forced Haruka to join me,” said Shizuru in warning tones.
“I know you didn’t,” said Sara, sounding exasperated, almost like she wished that wasn’t the truth. “I’m saying that if you hadn’t started this she would’ve never gone along. That she’s different than she used to be when she’s with you. Both of you are.” Sara paused to look at Shizuru with sad blue eyes and murmured, “I think together you just feed each other’s misery. You don’t make things better, you make them worse. I’d say your trail of bodies is proof enough of that, wouldn’t you?”
“You want me to leave her,” Shizuru stated, her voice flat, and she felt her heart wither at the thought. Leave Haruka, leave the only person who understood, who knew what she went through losing Natsuki. If she did that she would truly be alone because there was no one else she felt connected to. Doing that would set her emotionally adrift.
“As long as she’s with you she’ll keep trying to protect you and she’ll keep getting hurt,” said Sara quietly but there was a vehemence that told Shizuru she believed everything she was saying. “I know you care for her so you can’t want that.” There was a pause and Sara continued, “You both need time apart to break out of this cycle. To deal with the world on your own.”
“They’re going to put us on trial, aren’t they?” Shizuru remarked, apparently ignoring Sara’s plea as she returned her gaze to Haruka. “The Council, that is.”
“Yes,” said Sara and there was regret in her voice and Shizuru wondered if she thought they would sentence her to death. The thought was a strange relief. At least death would put her at peace and Shizuru rather thought she deserved it after everything she had done. “Garderobe will provide you with a barrister—”
“I’ll find one on my own,” Shizuru interrupted, looking up at Sara and smiling as she removed the GEM from her ear. Sara stared at her with disbelief and shock and Shizuru reached for her hand, pressing the GEM into her palm as she rose to her feet. “Take care of Haruka for me.”
Walking away from Haruka was almost physically painful. Everything in her was screaming to turn back around but Sara was right. Her selfishness and insanity had nearly killed the other woman. She was toxic and Shizuru refused to poison the one living person she felt anything for. Even though she had no idea how she would maintain her sanity without Haruka.
Sara called her name and Shizuru stopped, looking at the 1st Column who held up the Bewitching Smile Amethyst GEM wearing a serious expression. Whatever she was going to say couldn’t be argued with, Shizuru sensed this. “I’m just keeping this safe until you return,” Sara said with determination.
Resuming her walk, leaving Haruka alone with Sara, with the person who would care for her now, Shizuru wondered what was left for her to return to. Natsuki was dead and her revenge was complete, the last of them were gone, and she was going to be placed on trial, possibly sentenced to death. Haruka couldn’t remain with her and be safe, Shizuru knew this, and that meant she was alone. No one to understand her suffering and aimless in her existence.
She was a living ghost, drifting through this world, and nothing could touch her.
To be continued...
SERIES: My Otome
AUTHOR: Dreiser
EMAIL: dreiser7@yahoo.com
YAHOO ID: dreiser7
MY WEBSITE: http://www.dreiser.org/
CONTENT: F/F romance. F/F sex. Haruka/Shizuru.
WARNING: Major character deaths, angst, violence, and extreme situations.
SUMMARY: In a single moment of violence, those who matter most to Haruka Armitage and Shizuru Viola are lost. Together they try to restore the broken pieces of their lives and learn to exist without the person they love.
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing but my love of Scrivener. It makes writing so much easier!
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Chapters will probably take longer to come out for this fic. It's the nature of angst, I think.
Fragile Things
By: Dreiser
Three
The list was becoming smaller. Fifty six, forty nine, thirty seven, the numbers began to dwindle. Shizuru expected that the more she killed, the fewer that were left, the better she would feel but that never happened. There was a distinct lack of emotion involved. That empty feeling still remained and Shizuru didn't think it would ever go away. Not as long as Natsuki was dead. But the killing, completing the list, and finishing off the leadership of Fidelus Altus it kept her going. It gave her a focus and Shizuru needed that. If she didn't have a reason to keep moving, to keep breathing, she thought sometimes she would just stop. Shizuru wondered what would happen when she was finally done and the list was finished. What would happen then?
Suicide was an option.
Except Shizuru knew that Natsuki wouldn’t want that. There had been times, similar to this, nothing so awful because she had Natsuki with her but times where they were separated or Natsuki was badly injured. In those times, Natsuki had seen a glimpse of what Shizuru could become without her and she told Shizuru she didn’t like it. She had told her that she wanted Shizuru to survive, to be strong, to keep going on and keep her in her heart always. Shizuru knew because of this Natsuki wouldn’t have wanted her to kill herself.
And so, Shizuru discarded that possibility. Some part of her wanted to die in these battles though. For it to end when the last of Fidelus Altus was dead and she could be at peace. She doubted it would happen. Ever since she entered Garderobe few had presented her with any sort of difficulty or challenge in battle. Haruka had tried, had worked so hard to excel, and Shizuru allowed her those wins in the beginning to give her the victory, the rank, that she thought the blonde desired but it wasn’t that at all. For Haruka it was about the work ethic itself, the drive to improve, and once she found out Shizuru had been holding back her true skills… well, she had never seen the blonde that hurt before.
Natsuki was Shizuru’s first and only love but Haruka was her first and only friend. It was Haruka, not Natsuki, who had seen through her mask from the very start. Haruka had always known when she was pretending. Wearing a fake smile and using a put upon charm and Haruka hated it. Only when she dropped that mask as they grew to know each other as roommates at Garderobe did Haruka begin to accept her. Haruka spoke the truth, even when it was painful, and Shizuru loved that about her. That and how she saw who Shizuru was when no one else did.
Who she was, underneath the mask, all her secrets, they were Natsuki’s because Shizuru let her in. Natsuki broke down those walls, yes, but it was Haruka who saw them in the first place. Maybe it was that which allowed Haruka to be close enough to see the madness seeping through, rather than Yukino dying with Natsuki. Lately Shizuru felt her last vestiges of sanity and control slipping though she did her best to hide it, denying the existence of the monster inside of her.
Sleeping wasn’t easy but Haruka tried her best to make it that way. Often they couldn’t return to the Aswad, so they slept in desolate forests, snowy mountains, harsh areas where Fidelus Altus hid themselves away. Shizuru hated sleeping. She hated the dreams of Natsuki, dreams where she was alive, only to wake and be reminded of her death. She fought sleep but Haruka would cajole her into it and Shizuru refused, doing her best to stay awake, but Haruka never gave up and eventually exhaustion would claim Shizuru despite her best efforts and she would sleep. She wanted to fight Haruka, produce her element and threaten the blonde but it wouldn't do any good. What would she do with it? Kill her only friend? She wasn't that mad. Not yet anyway.
They had taken to sleeping in shifts. There were people searching for them after all. Fidelus Altus and operatives from Garderobe and they couldn’t be caught yet. Whenever it was Shizuru’s turn to sleep Haruka would wake her on the hour. It was after an hour of sleep that the dreams began. Haruka would sit by her side make sure she never had those dreams. They never spoke of it but Shizuru was sure Haruka knew what she dreamed and that was why she helped her. Every night without fail they went through this routine and the sane part of Shizuru was grateful.
Her mind was starting to fail her and she couldn’t think as she used to. It was harder to see the patterns, to work out when people were lying, and she lost her patience when interrogating those hiding Fidelus Altus. The remaining leadership had squirreled themselves away, into different locations than what Midori and her colleagues had found. While the Aswad helped discover some of these new locations not all of them were known and Shizuru had resorted to her old methods of interrogation during their travels across Earl.
When she was done and would walk out of those tiny rooms that seemed to echo with the screams of the men she had tortured, Shizuru would be met with Haruka standing guard, protecting her, keeping her safe, and Shizuru wondered at it. What she had done to deserve this sort of loyalty. She believed Haruka somewhat. That she was doing this to exact retribution for Yukino’s murder but it wasn’t natural, Haruka wanting such a thing. It went against who she was and Midori was right. Haruka was softer than anyone gave her credit for, just as she was kinder too, and this bloody game Shizuru was playing, it wasn’t her sort. If not for Shizuru the blonde wouldn’t be walking down this path. She knew this all too well.
There were moments when she wanted to send Haruka away.
Usually this occurred during the killings. When they found the leadership of Fidelus Altus, when her list grew smaller in numbers, when her element emerged in her hands and turned red with the blood of those men. Haruka was always there, at her side, doing her best to protect her and sometimes Shizuru would make the mistake of looking at her. She would see Haruka’s face, unnaturally without expression, her jaw clenched, and her true emotions being repressed. It was a reminder of how this wasn’t something Haruka was meant to do. How it went against her nature and it was another thing Shizuru hated herself for. Dragging her friend down to this level and she wanted to send Haruka away but she couldn’t.
Though Haruka would flinch during the slaughter, though she would frown as she wiped the blood from Shizuru’s face and cleaned her wounds, though she would be silent as Shizuru ranted on how she would end all of their lives, she never turned from her. She accepted her madness and she never strayed from Shizuru’s side and Shizuru knew, despite all the terrible things she had done, all the horrendous acts that Haruka had witnessed her committing, the blonde would never fear her. She would never fear and she would never leave, not unless Shizuru sent her away, and even then Shizuru wasn’t sure that Haruka would go.
Shizuru loved Haruka for this and it was that emotion keeping a small part of her sane. The ability to feel something for another human being who wasn’t her Natsuki. Someone living and breathing and standing by her side and it kept Shizuru from sending Haruka away. But she knew it was selfish to keep Haruka with her. Surely Yukino cursed her for it. For pulling her wife down into these murky depths, changing her into something far less noble. Shizuru did hate herself for it but all the same, she couldn’t send Haruka away. She needed her too much.
Maybe it was that need, that connection, that would keep her alive when this was over. Shizuru suspected as much whenever she thought about the list being finished and all these men dead. It seemed so far off though, the time when this would happen. She only had a vague sense of the days passing and Shizuru knew it had been months since she had lost her Natsuki but she couldn’t retain a clear grasp of time. She wasn’t sure she wanted that ability, to be honest.
Throughout their travels, hunting these men, they came to know a little of what was happening at Garderobe. Miss Maria had been named the interim Principal, a duty often given to the older Otome in the past. Maya was temporarily reinstated as a staff member to help with the Column duties spread thin between Nao and Sara. They also knew that Nao was searching for them. A task made more difficult by Shizuru destroying the tracking system at Garderobe created for the Columns. Once it was repaired they would have little chance to evade Nao. It was another reason they had to work quickly. On one late night return to the Aswad they were confronted by an angry Midori who informed them that the 4th Column had somehow found a way through their barrier and searched the premises for them. It was then that they decided to leave the Aswad more often, to stay in desolate places while they conducted their searches, to keep them safe from their colleagues prying eyes.
Tonight they were returning to Windbloom and Wind City. It was dangerous, going somewhere that close to Garderobe with Nao constantly on the hunt, but they had information that five of Fidelus Altus’ leaders had come to the city. They were hiding in the small slum that still remained despite all of Queen Mashiro’s reforms and with their deaths the list would become smaller yet. Leaving just thirty two remaining. Little by little, bit by bit, she was getting rid of them all.
Soon they would all be dead and the list would be completed and Shizuru didn’t know what would become of her then. Perhaps she would let Nao find her and see what the other Otome had planned. Certainly her actions were criminal. It was possible that a lifetime in a jail was her future. Shizuru didn’t know. She just knew this wouldn’t end. Not until she killed every last one of them.
—-
Standing guard for Shizuru was how Haruka spent most of her days and nights. Everything in her life involved Shizuru now. In a way Shizuru had become her life. Journeying with her, protecting her, caring for her, it was all about Shizuru and Haruka knew this wasn’t good. That Shizuru had become a crutch for her, a strange replacement for Yukino. Before everything she did was for her wife and their life together but now it was for Shizuru. The one seeking vengeance for Natsuki and Yukino’s deaths.
After they got rid of the ten who were responsible for the attack, Haruka couldn’t find it in her to kill anymore. Not unless it was out of necessity or self-defense. Haruka didn’t have the strength to finish off the rest of them but she couldn’t leave Shizuru. She needed to be by Shizuru’s side, to keep her safe, protect her in a way she couldn’t do for Yukino because it was Shizuru who was avenging Yukino’s death and it was Shizuru who understood. Who knew what it was to feel this gaping hole in your heart and have a constant sense that the world just wasn’t right anymore.
Watching Shizuru in battle was a beautiful but frightening thing. Haruka had always thought this. Her former roommate moved with such grace that she would find herself mesmerized, only snapped out of this state by the spray of blood and the screams of her victims. Shizuru killed with an ease that was inhuman and Haruka knew she should be wary of it. What was going on wasn’t natural and Shizuru was changing. There had always been a distance to her, that was what made Haruka angry when they met as students at Garderobe. Seeing the farce that Shizuru would perform, the pretense she put on, hiding who she really was and only showing a mask of cool perfection which echoed of a certain amount of disdain and superiority.
Haruka hated it and she hated Shizuru at first. Then they spent more and more time together, as roommates and training with Miss Maria, and she saw past that mask to who was really there. When it happened Haruka didn’t really know but somehow they became friends and Haruka trusted Shizuru. But the Shizuru she trusted, the Shizuru she befriended, she seemed to be falling away into an abyss where Haruka couldn’t reach. Shizuru wouldn’t speak to her, not really, and if she wouldn’t speak, she wouldn’t share, how was Haruka to know the right way to help other than being there?
That’s why she spent her days and nights caring for Shizuru. Helping her locate the remaining members of Fidelus Altus, mapping the course to where they were, defending her in battle and killing those that threatened her, aiding her escape when they were done, and cleaning her wounds when they returned to base camp. This was all she could do for her friend, these small, meager, things. Haruka felt insignificant, worthless, unable to save Yukino and unable to really help Shizuru but she kept caring for her. Cooking her meals, changing her clothes, helping her to sleep through the night.
This was Haruka’s existence and it provided a measure of escape from the memories of her failure. Then she would have those moments where she would see something, hear something, and a flash of Yukino would emerge. Blinding joy would seize her and in those rare instances she was really and truly happy. Because in those moments it was like Yukino was with her again. Only those moments, they would end far too soon. Leaving her to remember how Yukino was gone, how she had failed her, and how it was Shizuru, not her, who had the strength to finish off her murderers.
She wondered sometimes what their people would think of her. Their great Continental Orb Topaz, their brave Brigadier General, who was unable to save the woman she had loved since she was a child, unable to exact revenge, relying instead on her oldest friend to do that job for her while she stood on the sidelines. Haruka hated herself a little bit more every day and she tried to convince herself she helped Shizuru somehow but that was a lie.
If she was helping then Shizuru wouldn’t be worse, the madness in her eyes wouldn’t be there more often.
There was nothing Haruka could do but stay by Shizuru’s side and try to help however she could. Which is what she was focused on now. They had returned to Windbloom and Wind City, successfully killing five more of Fidelus Altus’ leaders only to discover there were three others in hiding in the dregs of the city. Scurrying from them, like rats on a sinking ship, it wasn’t long before they tracked them down in a run down bar. Moving quickly as she could, Haruka cleared out the citizens of Windbloom, not wanting them to see, to get involved in their business, and slammed the door shut, leaving Shizuru alone with the three nobles who claimed leadership roles in Fidelus Altus. She stood guard, eyes alert and flexing her fingers, ready to summon her element at any sign of trouble. She never expected that trouble to arrive in the form of Arika Yumemiya though.
“General?”
Whipping her head up, Haruka was met with the sight of Arika flying in the air, materialized in her robe. In the back of her mind, knowing they were hunted by their fellow Columns, Haruka was grateful the girl wasn’t in Zwei mode. She would prove a bigger problem if she was and should it come down to a battle Haruka wouldn’t be able to hold anything back if Arika was in that blue robe that was so reminiscent of her mother’s frightening power. Fortunately she was in her usual colors, pink and white, and her blue eyes were impossibly wide and worried as she looked at Haruka. Seeing Arika made Haruka feel ashamed somehow.
“I’m not a General anymore,” Haruka replied and her heart felt mysteriously lighter just from being near Arika. There was an innocence to this girl along with a sincerity and Haruka had liked her from the start. The affection she felt for Arika was the reason she dearly wished Arika wouldn’t force her hand. Make her choose between protecting Shizuru and their mission and doing the right thing by a girl that she had always wanted to mentor in some strange way. “What are you doing flying around? Shouldn’t you be guarding the Queen? That’s an Otome’s job,” Haruka said this in a mutter, her eyes turning dark, thinking how not long ago it was her job and she had done it well. Until she failed her Master, until she let Yukino die.
“Mashiro likes me to patrol the city,” revealed Arika, floating in front of Haruka, concern on her features. “General,” Arika called her that damn title again, the thing that she wasn’t, the thing that she had betrayed, and moved closer. “Where have you been? It’s been five months… Nao has been looking everywhere for you and Shizuru-oneesama.”
“We’ve been working,” said Haruka and she kept her face as neutral as possible. She wasn’t good at lying, not like Shizuru. It was hard for her, deception and trickery, just like stealth and speed, they had to be forced along. Haruka just knew to try and not make any expressions. That was the one thing she could do in this type of situation. Yet another way she wasn’t good enough, yet another sign of uselessness. Haruka clenched her jaw and formed her hands into fists. “What about you?”
“General,” Arika said it again and Haruka’s fingers dug into her skin and she wanted to scream at the girl to stop calling her that but she couldn’t. She couldn’t do that to her. Not to this girl who was everything she used to be but so much better. “I didn’t get to speak to you at Yukino-san’s funeral. I wanted to tell you how sorry—”
“Everybody’s sorry,” interrupted Haruka and Arika landed now, standing in front of her and frowning. “They can all be sorry but she’ll still be dead and it’ll still be my fault.” Seeing Arika start to protest, Haruka’s eyes narrowed and she said in quiet but caustic tones, “It’s the truth. Yukino wouldn’t have died if I was there. I always saved her before. Always.”
Silence and Arika looked at her with eyes that were impossibly blue and brimming with concern. An absurd part of Haruka wanted to pat the girl on the head and tell her everything would be all right. She looked so much like a sad child in that moment but Haruka couldn’t. Not with Shizuru in that bar with those men, not when it could effect their mission.
“What are you doing here?” Arika finally asked.
“Working,” said Haruka and she maintained her neutral expression. Slowly she uncurled her hands from the tight fists she had formed, her fingertips itching and something in her knew she would be summoning her element soon.
“I came here because some officers saw citizens fleeing this area in a panic,” said Arika and she was looking behind Haruka, at the door she guarded. “Do you know anything about that?”
Whatever inadequate lie Haruka would have told was halted by the sound of a loud crash and men screaming and Haruka flinched, knowing Shizuru was in there finishing the job she was too cowardly to do herself. Arika was moving forward again, saying she had to get in there, she had to see what was going on, she had to help, but Haruka couldn’t let that happen. As pathetic as she was, as useless, she was Shizuru’s protection and she wouldn’t fail her like she failed Yukino.
The double bladed axe emerged in her hands, the weight comforting and solid, and Haruka raised it level to her chest, keeping her stare even with Arika’s. “I can’t let you do that,” she said brusquely.
“General?” Arika called her that title once more and at last Haruka snapped at the sound of it.
“I’m not a General,” Haruka barely ground the words out, her features forming a dark scowl. “I’m not that person anymore. I can’t be. Too much has happened.” Shifting the axe in her hands, a hard look in her eyes, she continued, “You won’t get past.”
Another crash and the screaming, it was louder, so much louder, and Haruka wondered how many Shizuru had killed. There were only three of them but sometimes Shizuru liked to take her time. Sometimes she liked to play. Haruka grimaced, imagining what was happening to those men and she knew she couldn’t let Arika get past her and see it. The girl was a good fighter, she was ferocious and powerful, but she wasn’t hardened by battle and Haruka didn’t want her to know things like that.
“Don’t do this,” Arika was pleading and Haruka didn’t reply, simply meeting her gaze head on. She couldn’t back down, not about this, it was her only duty, and she had to preserve the trust Shizuru had in her. Arika looked sadder now, as if she might cry, and she was in the air again, her double bladed crystal lance forming in her hands. “I don’t want to fight you,” said Arika in soft and oh so sad tones and it tore at Haruka’s heart, hearing her sound that way. “Please move.”
“There’s nothing in there you need to see,” said Haruka gruff but firm, flying in the air and holding her axe at the ready. “I don’t want to fight you either but I can’t let you go in there. So the only way in that bar is getting past me.”
Just a flash of movement and the shine of that blue crystal lance then Arika was in front of her. Haruka was strong but she wasn’t fast, she never had been. That’s how Shizuru always beat her in school because she would move too fast for Haruka’s blows to hit her. Arika reminded her of Shizuru in a way, with how she moved, flitted about the sky, darting here and there, and there was a familiarity to this battle. The girl was good, very good, but Haruka was holding back. She didn’t want to hurt Arika, to allow herself to fall into that frenzied joy she always got in the middle of a good fight. Whenever she did that she lost control and people got hurt and things got destroyed. Haruka couldn’t do that to Arika and Windbloom.
They ran these missions according to Shizuru’s style. Stealth and secret and that meant keeping their presence as close to invisible as possible. It was bad enough Arika was here in the first place but Haruka fighting her? That made things so much worse. Still, at least there wasn’t any Ultimate Blue Sky robe to deal with. Haruka knew her own limitations and had seen what Arika could do when in that robe and she knew her defeat would have been inevitable in that situation.
Things weren’t much better without it though. Haruka couldn’t bring herself to use her full strength and that was the only easy way of stopping Arika’s relentless attacks. She decided to hold her position and watch for the girl’s next strike, planning on getting hold of the crystal lance. Once she had Arika’s element in hand, the battle should turn in her favor. But doing this was harder than Haruka could have anticipated and they were soon dueling with Haruka having to use her axe to ward off blows from Arika’s lance. She lunged forward, grabbing at the lance, only to find herself grasping at thin air and she jerked her head up just to see Arika attacking her from above, moving fast enough that Haruka knew she wouldn’t have time to defend.
The hiss of metal slicing through air, almost silent and entirely deadly, a sound that Haruka recognized all too well, and then Arika was crying out as she was wrapped up in the chains of Shizuru’s element. Haruka turned to see Shizuru floating by her side, her expression devoid of emotion as she studied Arika who remained her prisoner. Perhaps sensing Haruka’s attention, she turned to the blonde, tilting her head to one side and offering a smile that chilled Haruka to the bone.
“Twenty nine are left,” informed Shizuru. “Isn’t that nice?”
“Yeah, it’s real nice,” said Haruka with a touch of nervousness, looking from Shizuru to Arika. So far they hadn’t ever run into former colleagues turned temporary enemies in their hunt and she didn’t want to know what the brunette might do to Arika if she further opposed them. “Shizuru,” she said softly, touching the hand that held onto the element. “Let Arika go.”
No response came from Shizuru, just her rust colored eyes, flat and almost lifeless, moving from Haruka to the captured girl. Considering her like a spider might consider an insect caught in its web. “If Haruka wants,” Shizuru said after several long and tense moments, flicking her wrist and sending her chain snapping back to transform into its normal double bladed shape.
Arika gasped for air, her chest and lungs no doubt constricted from the stranglehold of the chain, and when she lifted her head that expression was on her face again but it was so much worse than before. There was hurt mixed in with the concern and the worry and Haruka wished yet again that the girl had never happened upon them. At a young age, Arika had already experienced too many things she shouldn’t have and tonight it would only get worse and it was their fault.
“Shizuru-oneesama,” Arika managed to say, her blue eyes shining. “Why?” No reply came from Shizuru, she simply stared into the distance, her face a stone mask, and Haruka was relieved to see this for once. The brunette had turned increasingly distant as their mission went on. It seemed the more men she killed the more detached from reality Shizuru became and it worried Haruka but now she was glad for it because she had been honestly afraid at what Shizuru would say in response. Refusing to let this go, Arika flew closer to them, though cautious in her movements as she asked, “What were you doing in there?”
This time Shizuru appeared to hear Arika and faced the girl. Then that chilling smile formed on Shizuru’s features again. “Ara,” she murmured in her familiar tones that were once charming in their light teasing but now held a sinister undercurrent. “Nothing much. Just disposing of vermin that have infested your local pub.” Arika whispered Shizuru’s name, her eyes wide, and Haruka could see the horror forming as she worked out what Shizuru meant. But this was lost on Shizuru who moved her focus to the blonde. “Haruka,” Shizuru said her name with a lilting affection and it was in these rare instances when she sounded that way that it felt as if she had her friend back again. “We’re leaving. Twenty nine are still left.”
“Right,” said Haruka quietly, nodding her head, dimly aware of the brunette flying in the direction of Florince, where the next names on the list were supposedly hiding. She started to follow only to stop and turn back to Arika who remained frozen, not really looking at anything. Saying the girl’s name, she offered a faint smile when Arika looked up at her. The misery taking hold, enough that was all she could feel in this moment, Haruka said, “Don’t go in there. It’s not something you should see.”
“General,” Arika said this plaintively and to Haruka it was as if the girl was begging her to be who she was when she held that title but that person was gone now. They died with Yukino and they couldn’t return. It was impossible.
“Don’t go in there,” Haruka repeated this adamantly. “Get Cardinal to do it but not you, Arika. I don’t want you to see.” Shizuru called for her and Haruka jerked her head up, looking at her friend who wore an expectant expression that seemed to hold a tiny trace of anxiety and Haruka wondered if Shizuru thought she wouldn’t follow. She could never do that though. How could she leave the one person who understood the hell that she was in because of Yukino’s death? It wasn’t an option. “I’m coming.”
As she flew away, Arika was crying out her former title, but Haruka couldn’t look back. She couldn’t look back and see that lost and hurt expression she knew would be on Arika’s face. The one that told of the disappointment and confusion over what had become of the Otome she once looked up to. It was an expression that would demand explanation and Haruka didn’t have any to offer, just her own feelings of despair and hopelessness, and the belief that this mission was all she had.
Everything else had been devastated and all that remained was a shell.
—-
It used to be that Haruka never feared change. She embraced it because change was at the very heart of the Aries democracy. Without change new ideas never emerged and civilizations grew stagnant. That’s what Yukino always told her anyway. Haruka just knew that it brought about things that were usually for the better and Haruka liked that. But now change signified her loss of Yukino and Haruka was wary. Even so, she marveled at the change in the Aswad’s surroundings.
They were a cursed people, the unforgiving tribe, exiled to a harsh and seemingly intolerable desert. Now they lived in their ancient homeland, the Black Valley, which was lush and fertile. Despite this, their old ways stayed with them, their instinct was still to isolate and protect their own, and this was evident in the large barrier surrounding their compound.
But the barrier couldn’t take away the beauty of the valley and whenever they returned to the Aswad, Haruka would lose herself in it. Walking through the woods, sitting by the lake, finding a measure of peace in these moments. She was at one of her favorite spots, a high cliff just above the large lake that was on the eastern edge of the compound. Staring down at the water, watching the waves lap onto the shore, Haruka was entranced, her mind gratefully empty of thought.
“Haruka,” Midori said her name and the blonde looked up at the redhead who moved to sit next to her. It was strange. Besides Shizuru, only Midori remembered not to call Haruka by her former title. Such a small thing but Haruka appreciated it more than she could say. Because it was too painful to hear people call her General. Reminding her of the woman she used to be, the woman that was gone forever. “Shizuru just told me you will be leaving tomorrow. Journeying to Verviers.”
Staring at the lake again, Haruka nodded and she hoped that would be the end of it. Midori didn’t talk much but when she did it was always blunt and to the point, sparing no feelings, and letting you know exactly how she felt. Usually this was a quality that Haruka quite liked but today she didn’t have the strength for it. She wanted to be left in her illusion of peace. Imagining the world to be a less monstrous place than what she currently knew. Midori was surely about to end that.
“The list is almost completed,” said Midori and Haruka frowned, her hands clenching into fists. She didn’t want to think about that. It had been an odd little game she’d been playing. Trying to stall their mission, to keep them going longer, because she didn’t know what would happen when they were through and Shizuru had killed them all. To be honest, she feared that change, feared discovering what her friend would transform into and she wanted to avoid it but she couldn’t. It was getting too close. “She will shatter once it’s finished. Perhaps the very instant she kills the last of them. You know this, don’t you?”
“I’ve been trying to slow her down,” admitted Haruka in a mutter. A bitter smile twisted on her lips as she added, “I failed.” She released her hands, flexing her fingers over her thighs, staring at her pants, dirty from so much travel. “I won’t let her come back here, not unless she’s right in her head. Don’t worry about that.”
“You surprise me,” Midori remarked after a moment and Haruka turned to the other woman, surprised to see a genuine smile on her face. “You’re a soft person, it’s true, but you have a resolve most don’t. It’s been eight months since I gave her that list and I think for every minute that passes she loses a little more of her sanity. Anyone else would have abandoned her.”
“Shizuru’s my friend,” said Haruka resolutely, a frown forming. “It’s not her fault she’s this way. Shizuru…” Haruka trailed off, her violet eyes growing dark as she thought of the other woman and her love for Natsuki. “She’s not good with people. Maybe she can charm them, seduce them, impress them, but I never got the feeling she liked them much. It was different with Natsuki. The kid changed her. Made her care about what another person thought, made her finally show somebody who she was.” Looking over at Midori, she said solemnly, “How is she supposed to act when the person who did all that is murdered? I wouldn’t be sane.” Turning her attention to the lake, her hands moving back into clenched fists, Haruka snorted, “I know I’m not.”
“Your President,” said Midori after a long moment. “What would she think of this? She wouldn’t approve, would she?”
“No,” Haruka said in a growl, quickly losing her patience. “She wouldn’t. But Yukino’s dead and I’m left behind.”
She often thought about the debates she and Yukino would have. The differences in opinions they would talk through and always come to some mutual resolution. Yukino wouldn’t want her helping Shizuru right now. Yukino would be begging Haruka to stop Shizuru, to find some peaceful method to capture the members of Fidelus Altus, and bring them before a jury of their peers. Haruka knew when this was over she would have to pay for her crimes, stand before The Council, those world leaders who had been Yukino’s colleagues for twelve years and explain her actions. She had no idea what she would say just like she had no idea how she could ever explain to Yukino how she could do all this. How she could allow herself to sink this low.
“Revenge has consumed your friend,” Midori murmured, rising to her feet, her hands resting on her hips. She looked down at Haruka with an unrelenting expression. “She’s on the brink of madness and killing the last of them will push her over. I can’t have her return to the Aswad after you finish this. Not unless she’s gained some semblance of control. I won’t risk my people’s safety.”
“I know,” Haruka nodded, holding Midori’s gaze as she gave her agreement. Seeing that Aswad’s Leader was satisfied, she looked into the distance and said, “Shizuru needs to be stopped.”
There was silence as Midori studied Haruka then she questioned, “Will you be the one to do it?”
Stopping Shizuru, was such a thing possible? Just thinking of it seemed like a ridiculous prospect. Haruka had lost countless times to Shizuru when the other woman was in control, her abilities held in check, and to try now when she lost all her restraint? It seemed an insurmountable task, to say the least. Shizuru was a force of nature in battle, brutal and merciless, you couldn’t reason with her and you couldn’t escape. Even though she was her friend, Haruka was certain that if she was to get in her way and impeded her revenge, Shizuru would strike her down and there wasn't much she could do about it. But she always tried. That was who she was. Haruka never backed down, she never gave up, she tried and tried again until she finally succeeded but in this battle Haruka didn’t think there would be a second chance. If she did this it could very well mean the end of them both.
“I’m going to try,” said Haruka simply.
—-
Verviers was a small but rich country that was in the volatile landscape between Artai and Cardair. The tiny nation was protected by a high mountain range which surrounded their borders entirely and created a natural barrier against their enemies. No doubt those mountains and their large population of nobles were reasons why the last remaining leaders of Fidelus Altus were hiding there. Just five of them. That was the end of their list and thinking of it, Shizuru felt stranger than usual.
She had felt separate since this all began. It was like her heart and mind were stolen from her body the instant that Natsuki died and Shizuru was too angry to search for them. Her true self had gone missing and Shizuru didn’t care to look for it, not when she had her mission to complete. She had to kill the men who murdered her Natsuki. That was all she had to keep her going and it was what she focused on. Nothing else mattered except achieving that goal.
Shizuru had grown used to that strange feeling of disconnection that had slid into her daily life. Usually it was only when she was in battle that it would happen the most. The red veil falling before her eyes and her inability to see anything but the kill only now it was slowly moving into her daily existence. It was as if she was looking down on herself and she couldn’t really see those around her. Even Haruka. Sometimes the blonde would speak to her, call her name, and by the time she finally noticed several minutes would sometimes pass. Often Haruka’s hands were on her shoulders, as if she had been shaking her. This was surely a sign of her deteriorating mental health but there was little she could do to stop it. A fog had begun to cover her mind and she only could see things clearly when she was killing those men.
It gave her a purpose, a reason to go on, and soon it would be over.
That wasn’t something she could think about. She couldn’t let herself. If she did Shizuru was sure that she would go crazier than she already was. The mission, that was the only thing in her mind, it was what held her together and she kept it there as she felt that clarity and awful stillness fall over her as she crashed through the door of a small cottage. The people were screaming and she could hear Haruka sending the citizens away but she didn’t care about them. Where were the five?
Crashing and cutting through the rooms, overturning furniture until she found a small metal door hidden underneath a bed. Standing to one side, she pulled the handle and formed a twisted smile as a rain of gunfire came from below. She had found them. Hiding like roaches in the dank and the dark. The first ten returned to her mind and she recalled how Haruka killed the last of them. Her smile growing wider, she floated off the floor. Her element shifted in her hands, from the double blades to the chain, ripping and slicing through the heavy wooden boards and sending them crashing down onto their heads.
There were screams, lovely screams of pain, and they were cursing at her. Shizuru enjoyed it when they cursed. Sometimes they called her the monster that she was, declaring her a demon, and Shizuru felt like one. Certainly these skills she had didn’t come from heaven, they were from somewhere far more sinister and hell seemed a fitting place.
Blood and broken bones, one of them had a broken neck, and Shizuru frowned. She had wanted to kill them all personally. His death was still hers to claim but it wasn’t the same, it was indirect and Shizuru rather liked their ending to be an intimate moment. She enjoyed seeing the fear in their eyes as she took their last breath, delighting in their anguish and terror. It was happening now as she approached the first of them and he screamed as her chain flew out, wrapping around his neck, squeezing tighter and tighter until not a breath could be taken in.
“Shhh,” Shizuru whispered, touching his cheek with her fingertips and watching him slowly die. The shift of his skin color fascinated her, it had a bluish purple tinge and he was grasping at her, fingers digging into her skin and she just pulled tighter until he went slack in her arms. It was in that moment the remaining three jumped on her in some futile attempt at survival. “It won’t help you,” she noted and there was a mocking sorrow in her voice as her chain transformed into the double blades.
Whirling around, she gutted the one on her left, removing her naginata to immediately slice completely through the one in front of her. His body falling in parts to the floor, he reminded Shizuru of building blocks she had used as a child, and it made her laugh to think of this. The very last one, he was screaming in fear, and Shizuru really didn’t want to hear that now. It wasn’t musical to her anymore, it was an annoyance, and she flicked her wrist, transforming her element once again into the metal chain, ripping through his body. When she was done there were just pieces, nothing left that could tell you he was once a man, and Shizuru didn’t feel anything. There was no happiness, there was no relief, not even that small satisfaction she often had before.
This couldn’t be it. She couldn’t be done. No matter what Midori’s list said, this couldn’t be all of them. There had to be more. They were too big, they had existed too long, Haruka told her that. Aries had been dealing with the likes of Fidelus Altus since the formation of their country over two hundred years ago. What about those people that Haruka had run out of here? They were hiding the leadership so of course they were members. People who belonged to the terrorist group who murdered her Natsuki deserved to be punished for her death. They all deserved to die, not just the leaders, but every last person who aided Fidelus Altus in their mission. There were thousands of them left and Shizuru felt that awful clarity seize her again.
Her element in hand, Shizuru flew up through the broken cellar, knowing what she had to do, and intent on her mission. She left that cottage and saw the people in the distance and flew after them, ignoring Haruka’s calls. They hid them, they helped them, they were part of their group, and they had to die, every single one of them. They had to die for her Natsuki and Shizuru couldn’t rest until it was done. She still had something to keep her going now, she still had her focus, and though she had fallen into the final stages of madness there was a terrible joy seizing her to have that once again.
The chain was cutting through the air, about to capture the woman lagging in the back, and Shizuru only absently noted that she had a child in front of her. So they were recruiting the young. Her target was in her sights but there was a flash of yellow and Haruka was there, grimacing as she held onto the chain, her hands bloody as it cut through her robe.
“Shizuru!” Haruka was screaming her name and Shizuru had never heard her sound like this. It was almost like those men she killed and distantly she thought it wasn’t right, hearing Haruka sound that way. “They’re innocent! You’ve got to stop this.”
“They hid them,” replied Shizuru in chilly tones, watching as they escaped into the woods, a dark expression forming. “They aided our enemies and they become our enemies, Haruka. They’re part of the reason my Natsuki died.”
“No, Shizuru,” Haruka shook her head and she had that stubborn look Shizuru was so familiar with from their time at Garderobe. “You know that’s not true. You’re grasping at slaw.”
“Straws,” Shizuru corrected with an edge of menace, retracting her chain and changing her element into the double blades. She kept it level to her chest and watched as Haruka summoned her double bladed axe. That voice she sometimes heard, the soft echo in her mind that sounded so much like her precious Natsuki, it was growing louder now. Telling her not to do this, that Haruka was her friend, the one person who stood by her side through so much pain. But there was something else in her head, not a voice but an overwhelming feeling, an uncontrollable urge, and it was pressing her forward, telling her to kill those people, saying their deaths would somehow help ease the ache of losing Natsuki. It hurt too much, being without her, being alone, and Shizuru would do anything to end it. Even fighting her only friend. “Move, Haruka,” Shizuru ordered.
“No,” Haruka refused obstinately and Shizuru could see the fear in her eyes.
Despite what many thought of the former General, Shizuru knew she was more intelligent than what they realized. Haruka was distinctly aware of her own limitations and failures as a fighter and she had lost against Shizuru enough to know there was little chance in victory. Shizuru wondered why she was doing this then and in that moment, she hated her friend for forcing her hand, for making her do this, and raising her naginata in preparation for battle, Shizuru tried to shake off that fog.
The spark and clash of metal, blows exchanged, and Haruka was doing well. She always did well in the beginning and then Shizuru would find her weakness and end the battle. Shizuru was trying desperately to focus now, to keep that fog from falling, to prevent the red veil of rage from descending. If that happened, if she lost control, she didn’t know what would happen to Haruka. Why was Haruka doing this? Didn’t she know? Didn’t she see? Shizuru had slaughtered hundreds in these past months and the blonde had been there, she had witnessed what she could do, the brutality she possessed in her revenge. Why was Haruka fighting her now when Shizuru didn’t know if she could control the monster from killing again?
Continuing her mission, this was the only thing she could do for her Natsuki. Everything had been for Natsuki, she was the reason Shizuru existed, but she was gone and all Shizuru could do was kill those who killed her. Haruka was trying to take that away. The only reason she had to keep going, the only thing that gave her a focus, and Shizuru could feel that veil falling and she tried to fight it, to remind herself who was in front of her but soon the only thing she saw was someone in her way.
Was it the scream of agony? The scent of blood? Or the warm feel of Haruka’s hands on her face? Shizuru didn’t know but that fog lifted just in time to watch her friend falling from the sky, body bloody and broken, and Shizuru shouted Haruka’s name, flying after her, catching her an instant before she hit the ground. Her robe was shattered and her element gone and the blonde was unconscious, passed out from the extent of her injuries. The injuries that Shizuru had given her. Shizuru looked at the mangled form of the woman who stood by her side all these months and all the rage drained away and she was herself again.
Panic stricken, Shizuru treated Haruka’s injuries the best she could, attempting to stave off the blood loss by tying tourniquets. Gathering Haruka in her arms, she flew faster than she ever had before. The wind biting her face and chilling her skin as she flew towards the Aswad. She hadn’t used her GEM to contact Garderobe since they had started their mission but she used it now, calling Youko Helene, begging her to come to the Black Valley and help Haruka. In the background she could hear Sara, demanding to know what happened, what she did, but Shizuru cut off communication and focused on her flight.
Every few minutes she would check Haruka’s condition, make sure she was still breathing, and tighten the makeshift tourniquets made from torn cloth. Haruka was pale, so pale and cold and Shizuru knew if Haruka died because of her the sanity that had just returned would quickly leave and it wouldn’t matter what Natsuki would have wanted. She would kill herself.
—-
Youko tried to make Shizuru leave while she treated Haruka’s wounds. Said she needed room to work, that Shizuru would be in the way, and for a moment that red veil of rage fell over Shizuru’s eyes again and she replied that she wasn’t going anywhere. It was enough to get the doctor to concede and Shizuru stayed where she was, her fingernails digging into the palms of her skin, hands white from the pressure of how tight she had them clenched as she watched Youko work.
If she killed Haruka, if Haruka died because of her, Shizuru would die with her, there was no question in her mind. And if she survived, if she lived, Shizuru would do anything to make up for what she had done on this day. How she could do that, she had no idea but she would try her best. It was the least she could do for the only person who stayed with her during the worst of her madness, when she had been falling over the edge into permanent insanity.
The nanomachines sped up the healing process, made Otome more than human, harder to harm and faster to recover but Haruka hadn’t been taking care of herself. Her attention had been on Shizuru. Making sure she ate, she slept, her injuries were healed, and in the process Haruka ignored her own failing health. She was paying the price for that now and Shizuru knew this was her fault as well. All she could see was those men and finishing the list, killing every last one of them, getting vengeance for her Natsuki but what good did that do? Revenge wouldn’t bring Natsuki back and now Haruka might die because of her.
Finally Youko walked away from Haruka, she looked exhausted but relieved, and Shizuru watched nervously as she approached. The doctor frowned at Shizuru and she wondered what the other woman saw when she looked at her. A monster? A murderer? Something awful, Shizuru was certain. She knew that from the disapproving light in her eyes.
“The General has severe injuries,” said Youko succinctly. “She would’ve died from the blood loss alone if I hadn’t gotten here in time.” Youko had a steely look on her features and folded her arms over her chest. “What happened to her?”
I attacked her? I almost killed her? The words were on the tip of Shizuru’s tongue but they never came. Just the quiet creak of the door opening and Sara standing there, her expression grim and unforgiving. “You did it, didn’t you?” Sara accused.
Part of Shizuru wondered how Sara had known it was all right to come in. That Youko was finished and Haruka was safe. Then she realized Sara probably didn’t care. She just wanted to see Haruka, to be near her, to watch over her the same as Shizuru. The younger Otome was clearly fond of Haruka, harboring a crush that had always been obvious to Shizuru.
“Yes,” said Shizuru and she dug her fingernails in deeper, trying to concentrate on the pain. Absurdly, she almost said she didn’t mean to, that it had been an accident, but it wasn’t any of these things. She chose to attack Haruka because she was in the way of her revenge and Haruka paid the price for that. Shizuru couldn’t excuse that or explain it away just like she couldn’t do that for the men she killed. She would have to accept their deaths were on her head, just like Haruka’s injuries were. “I did.”
“Haruka-onee…” Sara abruptly stopped and shook her head. Shizuru watched the younger woman rub at her eyes furiously, getting rid of her tears, before staring at Shizuru with a steadfast gaze. “Haruka doesn’t hurt easily. We all know she can take more punishment than most Otome and her robe was shattered from your battle. That means you fought with all your skill.”
“Does Sara have a question?” asked Shizuru and she knew she should be meek, she should be humble, especially after what she had done to the one person who cared for her, who understood her, but she couldn’t. Besides, Sara wasn’t that person. She was an outsider, someone who knew only a glimpse of the relationship she had with Haruka. Sara would never understand.
“Why did you do it?” asked Sara in curt tones. “Why attack the woman who stood by your side all this time?”
The fingernails were digging into her flesh, harder than before, blood pricking at her fingertips and Shizuru stared at Haruka lying on that bed. Even after the transfusions she was a pale and sickly color. It looked unnatural on Haruka who was normally the height of health, her skin an even brown tan at all times. Haruka was strong, so very strong, but she had reduced her to this and she wished she could recall the battle but those moments were a haze. Like some awful dream she couldn’t reach, nipping at the edges of her mind. She suspected that the blonde tried to subdue her rather than truly do battle. That explained her condition.
“I wanted revenge for my Natsuki and she got in my way,” Shizuru finally said in whisper, shame lacing her every word.
Midori entered the room, inquiring on Haruka’s health, and Youko went to speak with her. Shizuru and Sara were left alone and the brunette turned from the other Column, walking to Haruka’s bed and sitting at the edge. There were so many bandages. They covered her arms, legs, abdomen, and head. The former General looked like something akin to a mummy and Shizuru wondered how long it would be until she fully recovered. She suspected it wouldn’t be anytime soon.
“Arika told us about that night in Windbloom,” said Sara after several moments of silence. She stood at the top of the bed, her eyes fixed on Haruka’s pale features. Her hand moved down, gently sweeping across the portion of her forehead that wasn’t bandaged, pushing the hair from Haruka’s eyes. “Haruka was fighting her for you. To keep her out of that bar while you murdered those people. You know she wouldn’t have done things like that before. It’s not who she is.”
“Haruka has been pulled down to my level,” said Shizuru impassively, speaking aloud the thought she carried for so many months. Sara scowled at her and Shizuru turned to Sara, her expression blank. “It means little but I never intended to hurt her.”
Sara’s reply was silenced by a soft groan and both their heads turned in a flash, focusing on Haruka who was muttering in her sleep. Violet eyes fluttered but didn’t open and they hovered over the blonde who groaned and rasped Shizuru’s name. Her right arm, which was in a cast, shifted in an imperceptible movement and Shizuru stilled it, softly holding her exposed fingers and squeezing them gently in reassurance. Haruka shifted again, releasing a low mutter, inquiring in her restless slumber about Shizuru’s safety. The brunette swallowed hard, leaning down to whisper in Haruka’s ear she was there, she was safe, and the former General stilled after several moments, relaxing as Shizuru slowly moved away
If she could cry, she would be doing that now. Shizuru knew this. She wanted to cry for Haruka. Who in her injured state only thought of her and Shizuru wondered what she had done to merit this concern. The tears would come later. When she was alone with Haruka, when she couldn’t feel the rage coming from Sara in waves.
“You’re safe but what about her?” questioned Sara harshly and Shizuru raised her head, studying her evenly. “I’m not making this a secret. I don’t approve of what you’ve been doing. Maybe those men were criminals, terrorists, but that didn’t give you the right to slaughter them like animals. It should’ve been handled by the courts, not your renegade sense of justice, and on top of it all you got Haruka involved only to leave her like this.” Rust colored eyes narrowed and Sara sighed, pushing at her spiky blonde hair as she muttered, “But I can understand why you did it, the both of you.”
“I never forced Haruka to join me,” said Shizuru in warning tones.
“I know you didn’t,” said Sara, sounding exasperated, almost like she wished that wasn’t the truth. “I’m saying that if you hadn’t started this she would’ve never gone along. That she’s different than she used to be when she’s with you. Both of you are.” Sara paused to look at Shizuru with sad blue eyes and murmured, “I think together you just feed each other’s misery. You don’t make things better, you make them worse. I’d say your trail of bodies is proof enough of that, wouldn’t you?”
“You want me to leave her,” Shizuru stated, her voice flat, and she felt her heart wither at the thought. Leave Haruka, leave the only person who understood, who knew what she went through losing Natsuki. If she did that she would truly be alone because there was no one else she felt connected to. Doing that would set her emotionally adrift.
“As long as she’s with you she’ll keep trying to protect you and she’ll keep getting hurt,” said Sara quietly but there was a vehemence that told Shizuru she believed everything she was saying. “I know you care for her so you can’t want that.” There was a pause and Sara continued, “You both need time apart to break out of this cycle. To deal with the world on your own.”
“They’re going to put us on trial, aren’t they?” Shizuru remarked, apparently ignoring Sara’s plea as she returned her gaze to Haruka. “The Council, that is.”
“Yes,” said Sara and there was regret in her voice and Shizuru wondered if she thought they would sentence her to death. The thought was a strange relief. At least death would put her at peace and Shizuru rather thought she deserved it after everything she had done. “Garderobe will provide you with a barrister—”
“I’ll find one on my own,” Shizuru interrupted, looking up at Sara and smiling as she removed the GEM from her ear. Sara stared at her with disbelief and shock and Shizuru reached for her hand, pressing the GEM into her palm as she rose to her feet. “Take care of Haruka for me.”
Walking away from Haruka was almost physically painful. Everything in her was screaming to turn back around but Sara was right. Her selfishness and insanity had nearly killed the other woman. She was toxic and Shizuru refused to poison the one living person she felt anything for. Even though she had no idea how she would maintain her sanity without Haruka.
Sara called her name and Shizuru stopped, looking at the 1st Column who held up the Bewitching Smile Amethyst GEM wearing a serious expression. Whatever she was going to say couldn’t be argued with, Shizuru sensed this. “I’m just keeping this safe until you return,” Sara said with determination.
Resuming her walk, leaving Haruka alone with Sara, with the person who would care for her now, Shizuru wondered what was left for her to return to. Natsuki was dead and her revenge was complete, the last of them were gone, and she was going to be placed on trial, possibly sentenced to death. Haruka couldn’t remain with her and be safe, Shizuru knew this, and that meant she was alone. No one to understand her suffering and aimless in her existence.
She was a living ghost, drifting through this world, and nothing could touch her.
To be continued...
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Poor Shizuru
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How to say, I don't know if I'm buying as much into this fic as I was Intents. There still seems a bit too much disparity in Shizuru's actions and her reactions, if that makes any sense. I guess to say, it feels like I'm not really getting how Shizuru's making these connections with Haruka, and comparatively there didn't seem anything exceptional that should force her to superimpose Natsuki into Haruka as she seems to have done in this chapter. Make her further realize what a monster she's become, yes, consider further that Haruka's one of the few things she has left from her time of sanity, yes... but nothing really seemed to -click- to force the trade-off, so to speak, that hasn't been mentioned before in Shizuru's mind.
I will say I loved the addition of Arika! I've missed her in a lot of MO fics, so I find it exhilarating to see her, even if she wasn't exactly one of my favorite characters. XD I will also say however I had hoped to get a little more character out of her than "Sailor Moon" disease -- you know, the one of love and peace. (lol) Uh, just to say that I would've liked to have seen her get a little serious, maybe even a few simple additions to their interactions that give her some more depth. Definitely a little variation in conversation topics could spiffy up that section as well.
And I liked the interactions with Sara there at the end. Wonder how hard she's willing to truly push, and how desperate she can be now... staring into Shizuru's eyes and fairly daring Shizuru to try to justify herself took a lot of guts I should think. :3
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