My Soap Opera Life

WARNING: This is going to be one long ass post that's filled with the cliche drama that I love in the fictional world but utterly loathe experiencing in real life. That being said, here goes...

I haven't talked to Van in awhile now. A little over more than a month and as the time got longer and longer without seeing or even speaking to her, I got worried. I left a few messages and asked some people what was up but still no Van. On Friday I was bartending at Attitudes and Van appeared, making me very happy because I was honestly worried about her. She had the worst dismal and depressed expression and asked to talk to me in private. I tell my Boss I'll be back in 15 and take Van to the deserted portion of the club. The old school dyke bar that hardly anyone goes into because it's nothing but smoking, pool playing, and bad music (Indigo Girls, etc), not to mention the scary bull dykes who live there.

So we go in there and I quiz her on the way about where has she been, what's going on, why does she look so awful? She cuts me off sharply then apologizes and says she has something important to tell me. I should've guessed what she was going to say next would royally fuck up my life but I didn't. I'm dense that way.

Big dramatic pause, like the stupid movies, and then Van says she's in love with me. I didn't say anything because you know, I thought it was a joke. No shite. I really did. This didn't seem like a feasible option to me... because it's Van and Van is my only friend who actually LIKES Suzanna so how she could feel this way just boggles. But it wasn't a joke and I could tell after a minute or so because Van's eyes were tearing up and she began explaining at an inhumanly fast pace how/why she fell in love with me and that's the reason she's been avoiding me all month.

I don't respond due to my broken brain, I have no idea what she took this for, maybe a good sign or something I guess because next thing I know she kisses me.

St. Louis is a small city, especially for gay folks. Everyone knows everyone and everyone gossips about everyone. It's a pain in the ass and part of the reason why I want to move back East besides the fact that I love the East Coast massively.

One of said gossipers told Suzanna where to find me (she had been off chatting with some of her gay boys when Van first arrived) and she came in just in time to see this kiss. That's when all of the chaos erupted. Suzanna went off and for a moment or two I honestly thought she was going to haul off and actually punch or slap Van. Instead she released a spew of nasty words and scared me a little with the venom she displayed.

Saturday I was slated to work at the club again and I decided to do so because I figured it was the safest place to deal with day two of this mess. I avoided all phone calls so I knew that most of my friends along with Van and Suzanna would show up to deal with this crap. And, well, on thinking of how bad Friday night was I figured that it was best to be in a public arena. Sad to say how right I was about that feeling.

By the time I got to the club I had chain smoked one pack of cigarettes and just bought another. This gave me quite the buzz as I had nada to eat all day and I started drinking upon arrival. In retrospect the drinking wasn't a good idea. Made my tongue a little loose and caused me to say things I really shouldn't have but what can I do about it now? Nothing but feel regret.

Pip showed up first and got there almost a whole hour before we opened, like most she knows that my Boss lets in friends of employees early. I complain about Pip a lot but she really is one of my closest friends and lord help me, the little twerp knows me inside and out. She brought up a few things I hadn't really thought on when it came to my relationships with Suzanna and Van.

First off, I was shocked at how serious she was. I could tell when we sat down that Pip was truly worried about me and felt that she had something important to say. I admitted Suzanna's temper on Friday scared me quite a bit and she said that she wasn't surprised by it. This is when she quite calmly told me some reasons why she feels Suzanna is bad for me.

1. She has a tendency to be outright mean but says it's only a joke.
2. She is unwilling to compromise.
3. Her wants come first.
4. She doesn't defend me when her gay boy friends throw insults my way.

This got to me because, you know, it's fucking true. Then Pip goes onto say Van is the complete opposite of Suzanna in this way...

1. She never makes jokes that could hurt a person's feelings.
2. She always asks what others want to do.
3. Considerate and polite to a dorky fault.
4. Has defended me more than a few times to said mean gay boys and others.

I told Pip while she did have valid points I'm happy with Suzanna and I like what we have. Pip then shot back at me whether I was really happy or I was merely comfortable in what I have with Suzanna. At this point, I got pissed and she managed to calm me down. Then she said as gently as she could that I'm the type of person who will put up with countless crappy things if I'm comfortable in my current situation. She brought up a few compelling examples such as my long and unhappy employment with Suncoast and my relationship with my parents.

At this point I was getting freaked out by how fucking insightful Pip was being. I think she could tell this and backed off, saying that the Sanford Brown President, Jaymi, was coming early to the club tonight and I had to talk to her. I mouthed off saying, "Why? So she can lecture me about why I should date Van and how she wishes she could be me?"

Pip stared at me then said, "No. Because like I told you before, she knows the entire story. Van's been talking to her about you since the first day they met." Needless to say, I was anxious to talk to Jaymi and she made her appearance a few minutes after the club opened. She verified that Van had indeed been talking to her for months now about me and her feelings for me. I asked her why the hell didn't she tell me and she said it wasn't her place.

Basically she told me whatever I decided to do to be nice to Van about it. That she had been dealing with this for awhile now and the thing that scared her the most was having me be angry with her. I asked her what about Suzanna? How did Van feel about her?

Here's what shocked the hell out of me...

Jaymi said that Van likes Suzanna but feels she isn't good for me. That our relationship isn't healthy and she's been worried about me for awhile.

WTF.

By the time Van appeared at the club around midnight I had gone through four Long Island Iced Teas, two Vodka and Red Bull, and one Jack and Coke. Yeah, I was nicely buzzed. Especially when you add in the countless cigarettes I'd been smoking. I decide I want away from the prying eyes of our tiny G&L community so we go outside where it's damn cold.

As expected, she apologized for yesterday night's scene with Suzanna and for kissing me but said very strongly she won't apologize for her feelings. I tell her it's fine, we're fine, but Suzanna is angry and probably will stay angry for an indefinite period and she needs to go. Van refuses, saying she knows Suzanna will show up and she needs to talk with her. I try to talk her out of it but she refuses to leave. At this point, I was irritated and I asked her point blank about what Jaymi had told me. If she has been feeling that Suzanna is bad for me why didn't she say something sooner?

Instead of backing off, like I hoped she would, Van told me in pretty long details why Suzanna isn't good for me. Citing a few occasions in which she could tell I ended up feeling badly about myself thanks to her actions/words. Then she said something that fucking shook me.

"How many times has Suzanna make you feel badly? Like you aren't good enough for her?" I didn't answer, I just stared at her and avoided. She said it again and I still didn't answer. Then she went on and said, "Fine. I know you know the answer. Now how many times have I done that? I've known you almost as long as Suzanna and we spend just as much time together so I should have had as many chances to make you feel crappy. Come on, Nic, answer me."

I didn't want to think about that much less try and find a response so I told her that I had to go back to work and asked her to leave again. She refused, saying she wanted to talk to Suzanna and we headed back inside of the club.

A little after one a.m. is when Suzanna made her appearance and she was blitzed coming into the club. She arrived with two of her gay boys in tow so I figure they took her drinking then decided to bring her to me. Just wonderful. See why I hate these guys? They're such fucking assholes who love to bait and made bad situations worse just for the drama. Ugh.

Drunk as hell, Suzanna came up to me with them and demanded to know where Van was because she KNOWS that Van is here. I try to calm her down and mention us going off to talk by ourselves when the gay boys point out Van on the other side of the club. Immediately on spotting her, Suzanna is off leaving me with the gay boys whom I snarl at asking why the fuck did they do that? They just made it a million times worse.

They responded by asking me why I would cheat on my meal ticket.

I would've cussed them out but I honestly didn't want to waste time on them. Especially when I can see my Boss leading Suzanna and Van into the backroom where we store all the alcohol and her office is located. I thanked her for giving us a place to do this in private, away from all the nosy eyes, as neither of them seemed to listen to me about leaving the club.

When I got back there Suzanna was reaming Van as she had done on Friday night, saying that I was her girlfriend and she had no right to make claims on me or to say she has feelings for me. Van wanted to know how her dating me has anything to do with her falling for me. Suzanna only repeated that I was her girlfriend and then she looked to me and asked what the hell had I done to make Van act this way. I didn't answer and Van freaked out, saying I hadn't done anything.

To which Suzanna smartly replied that obviously I had done something because if I hadn't how or why would Van fall in love with me in the first place? Van started screaming at her about this and Suzanna moved to smack her so I grabbed her hand to stop her. When I did, she gave me this look that... god. It was a horrible look. One I haven't seen in the longest time.

I can't explain it properly but it made me sick to see it on her face.

Then she asked me how I could side with Van. I told her that not wanting her to hit Van wasn't siding with her but she interrupted me saying how could I do this after all she'd done for me. Buying me things, helping me with school, taking me on trips, letting me live with her...

For some reason the statement about letting me live with her bothered me being tipsy from booze and way too many cigarettes I smarted off and said if me living with her is such a burden then I could move out at any time. That's when she slapped me.

I've been in fights, pretty bad ones, and this slap wasn't anything in the realm of that. It was just a slap... not even a quality All My Children slap that Erica Kane can deliver. It was a baby slap if even that. But still, it shocked me. Van freaked out after this happened and Suzanna just stood there staring at me with this blank look on her face. Then she turned around and left. By the time I got away from Van and her apologies, Suzanna had left the club altogether.

After that I told my Boss I wasn't going to finish my shift and went to Pip's place. Jaymi managed to convince Van to leave me be and I spent the night talking to Pip who continued to be, and has been since that night, a very supportive and genuine friend. I woke up Sunday morning for work at Lids and around noon I got a call from my mother saying that Suzanna had dropped off Vlad at the house along with a bag of my stuff.

She wanted to know what was going on but I just didn't have the energy to tell her. I told her to read this LiveJournal entry, like a lot of my friends who know about this situation, because I just don't want to retell this over and over. It's too fucking exhausting to do that.

As of right now I have no idea what's going on in regards to my relationship with Suzanna. I've tried calling her but she won't pick up her cell phone and I don't feel ready to see her in person. I have talked to Van who has apologized over and over for the chaos she's caused but refuses to take back her feelings for me, saying she'll wait for me to figure things out.

What's to figure out? I didn't think before Friday I had anything to figure out. I was happy with Suzanna but more and more I realize the points Pip has made about Suzanna are true and I'm starting to wonder if our relationship was healthy. I hate this though. More than anything I hate being confused about my feelings, I just want to know what I want.

The only thing I'm sure about is that if this is the end of my relationship with Suzanna then I'm not going to date Van right away if at all. I need a break from this sort of crap. A very long one.

End Soap Opera episode. For now at least.