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AMC Fanfic! Finally First: Part One (Kendall/Bianca)
TITLE: Finally First
SERIES: All My Children
AUTHOR: Dreiser
EMAIL: dreiser7@yahoo.com
YAHOO ID: dreiser7
MY WEBSITE: http://www.dreiser.org/
CONTENT: F/F romance. F/F sex. F/F incest. Kendall/Bianca. Kinks.
SUMMARY: The only thing Kendall ever really wanted was to come first in someone's heart.
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing but my love for Sis Yay.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I can't help it, honestly. Kinks is my couple of choice on All My Children. Don't like it, please don't read fic.
Finally First
By: Dreiser
Part One
A year had passed since Bianca was last in Pine Valley. Family crisis and the odd encouragement from Reese to try and reconnect with her family is why she decided to return. After three months in town she found herself forcibly attending a getaway with Kendall. They were supposed to go with Erica, she had planned the trip, renting a cabin out in the mountains that was part of a larger therapeutic resort where massages and steam rooms were the norm.
At the last minute in an event that seemed suspiciously planned, Erica couldn't make it, she had business to take care of with Adam and they found themselves alone on the Cambias jet flying off to Colorado. The flight was silent and stifling, there was an awkward air that perpetuated all of their time together lately, something that happened ever since Kendall woke up from her coma and discovered the secrets Zach and Bianca had been keeping from her.
Bitter and betrayed, that's how Kendall felt. She continued to feel this way even after Bianca briefly returned with Gabrielle, allowing her daughter's bone marrow to be donated to save Ian. After this happened Kendall was able to let go of her irrational resentment towards Gabrielle, finally acknowledging the child was an innocent in all this but she couldn't rid herself of the bitterness she felt when it came to Bianca and it made her sick, feeling this love that had kept her going through the years, that made her strong, turning out this way and she was relieved when Bianca left with Reese for France. Just because when Bianca wasn't around she could pretend she didn't feel this way, she could push the feelings down.
Then Erica had a heart attack and Bianca came back with Reese and the girls. Together they helped their mother through her recovery and the longer Bianca stayed the more obvious it was that Erica didn't want her to leave and Kendall understood it. Try as she might, Kendall couldn't get over the betrayal she felt and it created this subtle tension whenever they were together. One that caused a sadness to remain in Bianca's dark eyes whenever she was with Kendall, something that hurt Kendall so very much but still, she couldn't let go and she knew that was why Erica planned this trip, tricking them so they would be alone. She wanted her to finally move on, for their relationship to return to how it once was but Kendall didn't know if she could do that.
More than anything, she wanted to move on, Kendall wanted it so very badly because she loved Bianca, she never stopped loving Bianca, and try as she might to pretend that Bianca no longer held that important place in her heart, right after her boys and before the men she was with, she did hold it and nothing would change that. Not even her own denials.
That didn't stop things from being awkward and uncomfortable as they exited the Cambias jet and headed towards their cabin which was strangely small for Erica Kane's usual tastes. Kendall supposed that the small size was part of her plan to force them to spend time together. Although this plan would have worked better if they both didn't have very comfortable private rooms to disappear into. Which is precisely what they did for the first six hours and then Kendall heard a hesitant knock to the door and looking up from her quarterly returns from Fusion that were spread out on the bed in front of her, Kendall called come in and she wondered, she hoped, if now it would finally begin. The forgiveness, the healing, the return to how it once was between them because she wanted that to happen. She wanted it so very much but she didn't know where to start.
"Hey," Bianca said shyly, a hint of a smile on her features. Kendall returned the greeting and Bianca raised an eyebrow at the huge pile of paperwork in front of her on the bed. "I thought this was supposed to be a vacation?"
"I brought this to help me sleep," replied Kendall, lifting up a thick stack of the papers.
There was a lightness, a humor to her voice, that Bianca hadn't experienced in a very long time and it encouraged her to walk over to the bed and sit next to Kendall. The flight had been so quiet, so awkward, and Bianca was afraid this mood would continue throughout all their time together and she couldn't bear the idea of that. She wanted to spend this trip fixing what she had broken with her selfishness, she wanted Kendall to love her again, because these days it didn't seem like she did. Taking the papers, Bianca studied the multitude of graphs and figures, immediately grasping why this would be nap inducing material. "Makes sense to me," she remarked. "I want to go to sleep after looking at this for a few seconds."
"But Binks," Kendall drawled, scooting closer to flip through the pages and land on a brightly colored pie chart. "Check out my pie chart on lipstick sales. It features not only a masterpiece of mauve but also the tackiness of taupe."
"Taupe?" repeated Bianca with a laugh. "When did that become your color of choice?"
"It isn't, I just like how it sounds," admitted Kendall, arching an eyebrow in playful challenge.
Murmuring fondly in response, Bianca gave the papers back to Kendall and watched her with a lidded gaze. "I missed this," she confessed in a hush after a few moments of silence. When Kendall looked up, her blue gray eyes wide, she continued, "I missed us. I know it's my fault, the way things have turned out, and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Kendall. I know how I hurt you."
Looking into Bianca's eyes, seeing the truth there, the silent plea along with the love, the begging for forgiveness, Kendall found herself wanting to give in. She couldn't help it, she still loved Bianca so very much, Bianca held a giant piece of her heart and she always would and Kendall wanted to stop hating that, to give into her love for the younger woman. Vulnerable, she made her feel so very vulnerable, and it stung to be that way around Bianca now, it was a weakness she no longer wanted to reveal, a weakness she no longer trusted in Bianca's hands.
"Forget it," Kendall said quickly, looking away from Bianca and getting off the bed.
In less than a minute, Bianca found herself alone in Kendall's room and she sighed. Things never were easy with Kendall. Difficulty was the unspoken rule and as much as it became exhausting and utterly frustrating at times, it was always worth it because Kendall loved so fiercely and with such loyalty and Bianca knew she betrayed that love with what she did and it was up to her to reclaim their bond along with Kendall's trust. Which is why she pushed herself off the bed and followed after Kendall.
Walking downstairs, she heard Kendall's dismayed shout and rushing down the last few steps, Bianca dashed into the living room to find the older woman standing at the opened front door which had a pile of snow that was several feet tall. The snow started to shift backwards, like it was going to go toppling onto their shiny hardwood floors and Kendall shrieked, slamming the door shut and Bianca winced at the sound of more snow falling, undoubtedly from the force of the door closing. Walking up to the window and peering outside, she noted sardonically that the only visible portion of their car was the top of its roof. "We're snowed in," said Bianca, deciding to state the all too obvious.
Releasing an agitated noise, Kendall waved her hands about and declared, "Great! Please, would someone explain to me why our lives are always so cliché? I mean, mother couldn't have planned this any better, could she? Now we're really forced to spend time together."
Instead of replying, Bianca walked past her and into the kitchen, systematically going through the cupboards and refrigerator. Kendall eventually wandered over, wanting to know what she was doing. Peering up from the vegetable drawer, Bianca replied, "Making sure we have enough food and water to get us through however long we'll be stuck in here."
"Do we?" asked Kendall, suddenly feeling more panicked than before.
"Enough to last a month unless we decide to gorge ourselves out of misery," said Bianca in droll tones.
"Look at me," snorted Kendall, gesturing to her waspishly thin frame. "Do I really look like I eat my feelings?" Waving her hands at Bianca and feeling a familiar wave of envy rising as she eyed the other woman's generous curves which she had always admired and wanted for herself, she remarked, "You're the one who actually has any kind of shape other than a straight line."
"Which naturally means I pig out daily," Bianca's voice remained completely droll but there was a small hint of hurt there too.
"That's not what I meant and you know it," replied Kendall peevishly.
"Actually I don't know anymore and I think that was the point of this trip so we both start learning again," said Bianca plainly. When Kendall looked at her with a surprised expression, she sighed heavily and continued, "We have to fix this, Kendall. We're driving everyone crazy. Mom, Uncle Jack, Reese, Zach when he's around, Ryan, and Greenlee now that she's recovered from her amnesia. I think even the kids sense something is off between us and Miranda…" Bianca's words trailed away and she wasn't sure how to say what was next without sounding cruel.
"What about Miranda?" demanded Kendall, unable to help the sudden panic that swept through her on hearing the little girl's name. She never wanted to hurt the children in this, not her boys, not Bianca's girls, but god, especially not Miranda. Despite her anger at Bianca she had been trying so very hard to hide it from her niece, the child that she always strangely felt was hers as much as she was Bianca's because she was the reason behind Bianca deciding to keep her pregnancy.
"She's six and she understands things more than we think," Bianca said, more to herself than Kendall, her voice distant.
"Did she say something about me?" asked Kendall, moving closer to Bianca, a pleading in her voice. "Bianca, what is it?"
Turning to look at Kendall, an utterly sad light in her dark eyes and a reluctance there as well, one that told Kendall quite clearly Bianca rather not tell her this and Bianca murmured, "She said she wants to go back to France because she thinks us being in Pine Valley hurts you."
"What?" Kendall's voice was barely audible and immediately she felt her eyes began to well up with tears.
"I told her she was wrong, that you loved her, you loved all of us very much but you were upset with me," said Bianca gently as she cautiously made her way over to Kendall. She hesitantly held Kendall's hands, squeezing them softly when the other woman looked at her.
"What did she say when you told her that?" asked Kendall quietly.
"She wanted to know what I did to upset you and I said that I kept a secret from you that I shouldn't have," Bianca said this in a whisper and regret was thick in her voice along with sorrow, it was so palpable and Kendall always knew Bianca was sorry for what she had done but until this moment she hadn't really accepted it because of her own feelings of betrayal. "Miranda said I was silly for doing that, said secrets were bad, that she never keeps them. I told her she was right and she should never do the same thing with Gabrielle. That she should never hurt her own sister that way and then she told me to fix things with you because she knew it was making me just as sad as it was making you and she didn't like that." Studying Kendall's sharp features, how her eyes held that vulnerable light that it always used to have when they were together, talking like this. "Kendall," she said her name in a whisper. "I mean that. I want to fix things, I know what I did was wrong, and I want to make things right again. Please," Bianca's voice was a definite entreaty and Kendall felt her let go of her hands, reaching to touch her cheek softly. Unable to help herself, she allowed Bianca to turn her head so they were looking into each others eyes. "Give me a chance."
Forgiveness was what Bianca wanted and that was what Kendall wanted to give but as much as it wanted to forgive, it scared her, the idea of letting Bianca back in, having the close relationship they once had because what if Bianca betrayed her again? Kendall already knew that she didn't hold the same place in Bianca's heart that the younger woman did in hers, that she wasn't as important to Bianca as Bianca was to her and that was what hurt the most. That was what she couldn't get over.
So Kendall fell back on instinct, on old bad habits, and she pulled away, moving from Bianca's touch and running up towards her room, leaving Bianca and her pleas for forgiveness behind.
It seemed to Bianca she spent a good deal of her life chasing people down. Trying to get them to listen to her and mostly it wore on her nerves because no one ever did the same for her. Not even Reese after their momentary separation. She stayed in Pine Valley, trying to win over her family in attempt to reconcile, but she didn't chase after Bianca. No one did that except for Kendall. Over and over she would run after her, force her to say what was wrong, she would meddle and interfere, and be so frustratingly obvious in her love, in her concern, when she did this that Bianca couldn't ever be anything but grateful.
That was why Bianca wouldn't give up on Kendall now. Why she would chase her down, keep trying until finally the other woman would talk to her and they could begin to heal the rift between them that she created with her secrets. Knocking on Kendall's door, she asked to be let in, she pled her case, she tried to open the locked door, and finally after nearly a half an hour she told Kendall that eventually they had to talk and she would keep trying, that she wouldn't give up, not now and not ever, because she loved her that much and she slid down onto the ground, preparing to sit there as long as it took.
From the other side of the door, her hands pressing up against it, imagining Bianca on the other side, Kendall stood and she listened and she believed but still, no matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't let go. No matter how it hurt them both.
---
The next morning, Kendall rolled out of bed, and wandered downstairs in her robe to find the smell of coffee and food cooking greeting her. Bianca stood in front of the stove dressed in her pajamas and preparing a variety of crepes.
Looking up from preparing the batter, Bianca moved over to the coffee pot and poured a cup for Kendall after she added the appropriate amount of cream and sugar. Raising an eyebrow and accepting the drink, Kendall noted, "Aren't we the perfect little housewife."
"Do you still like scrambled eggs?" Bianca asked, apparently deciding to not rise to Kendall's bait who frowned as she observed the dark circles under the younger woman's eyes. She turned to look at Kendall when she didn't respond and upon seeing the concerned look on her face, Bianca questioned, "What is it?"
"Nothing," Kendall muttered and Bianca looked away, going back to her cooking, and Kendall couldn't help but watch her, studying the exhausted planes of her face. She didn't want to ask but she found the words slipping past her lips before she could help it and she asked, "How long were you outside my door?"
A self-deprecating smile on her lips, Bianca looked at a nearby clock, and replied, "Until about forty minutes ago." Feeling strangely reassured by the look of shock on Kendall's face, she added, "I'm not giving up on us, Kendall. I can't, I won't, and I'm willing to wait as long as it takes until I can finally get you to talk to me because things can't keep up like this."
"Fine," said Kendall in something of a mutter and when Bianca looked at her, clearly surprised that she would give in so easily, she waved her hands about. "Fine!" she repeated, stronger now, clearly exasperated. "After breakfast we'll have your precious talk. But I don't know how it's going to fix anything."
Ignoring the more negative comments on Kendall's part, relieved to get this chance, Bianca turned back to cooking and asked again, her tone much lighter and happier before, "Do you still like scrambled eggs?"
"Yes," Kendall said. Her eyes fixed on Bianca's features, noting how she didn't have that same slump to her shoulders and a good portion of her stress had disappeared as if her agreeing to at least talk with Bianca had made it magically float away, she found herself continuing, speaking more about Bianca then about food as she said, "I love them."
---
Breakfast was a silent affair, they ate and they drank their coffee, and they put the dishes in the washer. Kendall wandered into the living room, sitting in front of the fireplace, absently going through the routine to start a fire. Paper lining the bottom with small sticks on top and a log of wood placed at an angle to give the fire room to breath. She had just gotten it lit when Bianca came to sit next to her, remarking that she could have started a fire if Kendall was cold.
"No thanks, Binks," said Kendall dryly, looking at her sister with a certain tongue-in-cheek humor. "You're a disaster magnet with a history of childhood pyromania, remember? I think I'm the one best suited to start small contained fires only meant for heating purposes."
There wasn't any response, just a sigh on Bianca's part, then she said, "Is this how it's going to be from now on? Because I don't want that, Kendall. I don't want to snipe and insult and belittle."
"What do you want?" asked Kendall, turning to Bianca, trying to keep her voice hard, along with her expression but finding it extremely difficult when faced with Bianca's plaintive features. "I can't just forget what you did, Bianca. Even if I want to."
"So don't forget, I don't want you to forget, I just want you to listen to me," said Bianca desperately and when Kendall looked at her with an expression that wasn't welcoming but all the same told her to continue, she sighed heavily. Running her fingers through her hair, Bianca said, "It's my fault. I knew from the start I should have asked you about Zach being the donor. Honestly, I didn't even plan on asking him, I was drunk when I did and he said no, and somehow Reese convinced him. I don't know if he did it to make up for Michael raping me or to get even because you slept with Aidan like you claim but he helped us and I should have talked to you first but I was scared you would say no and so I didn't. I kept it a secret and the longer I kept that secret the harder it was to tell you. The pregnancy," Bianca looked away from Kendall, her expression constrained, haunted, and Kendall couldn't look away, she hadn't ever seen her sister look like this. "I almost lost Gabrielle more than once. They put me on bed rest for months and when things were finally safe I went to Pine Valley to see you, to tell you, and then the tornado…"
"Wrecked our lives," said Kendall flatly.
"No," Bianca shook her head. "It wasn't the tornado that caused our problems, it was me."
"Well," Kendall drew the word out and gave Bianca a glittering if not totally insincere smile. "Then tell me why you were scared I would say no because I got to tell you, Binks, I thought I had a pretty solid track record of saying yes. Helping you through your rape, covering your pregnancy to Mom, taking the rap for Michael's murder. Yes, yes, yes!"
"I know that, Kendall," said Bianca in truly tormented tones, her eyes filling with tears. "You did so much for me--"
"Why didn't you talk to me about it?" asked Kendall sharply. "Why? That's what I want to know, Bianca. Because, honestly, at this point I don't know what I would have said but I'm guessing that it might have been yes because it was you asking and there's pretty much nothing I wouldn't have done for you back then."
"Back then," Bianca echoed sadly. "But not now."
"Probably not," said Kendall in blunt tones. "You haven't told me why you didn't ask me. That's what I want to know."
"I was afraid you would say no because I knew you would ask why I wanted a second child," said Bianca quietly, ducking her head and looking into the fire. "I knew you would ask me about Reese and how long we had been together. When I told you that it was less than a year, you'd say that I needed to wait, get to know her better before having a second child, and I would have listened to you because I always listen even if I don't follow your advice. That time though… I probably would have and when I did I would've had to face that there were problems in my relationship with Reese. I would've had to face that things weren't as perfect as I made them out to be, that I didn't know her nearly well enough, something that was proven when we first came to Pine Valley."
"I would have burst your bubble," said Kendall in a sardonic observation.
"Yes," Bianca admitted, pushing a lock of hair behind her ear. "But you would have been right."
Puzzling as it was, almost irrational, Kendall understood where Bianca was coming from. Why she had wanted to stay inside a place that had been safe and warm and perfect. She understood it but it didn't make it hurt any less to discover why she had been kept out of such a very important decision on the part of Bianca and her ex-husband. Especially during a period of time when she considered Bianca to be one of the most important people in her life, just after her boys, and she mistakenly assumed that she held the same position for Bianca. Only to find out she was so very wrong when Gabrielle's conception came to light.
She didn't know how to reply because even if she understood it still hurt and Kendall didn't know if she could forgive. So she stood up and walked away from Bianca, retreating back into her room.
Bianca remained where she was, sitting in front of the fire, staring into the flames, watching them jump and crackle. Holding back her tears as she wondered where to go from here. It was the truth, what she had told Kendall, it was her fear that her sister would point out all the flaws, the problems, in her relationship with Reese that kept her from telling her about their desire for another child and in hindsight it was all so very foolish on her part. It would have saved so much pain and so much heartache on everyone's part if she had just spoken with Kendall because in the end, Kendall would have been right, Kendall would have been protecting her, doing the what was best for her just like she had ever since the rape.
How things got to this point, she didn't know. Just like she didn't know how to fix things. She loved Kendall, she loved her so very much, but Bianca didn't know how she could prove that to her. Nothing seemed to work. Not her actions, not her words, nothing. It was so disheartening, having this knowledge that their relationship which had been so close, so good, was in shambles and it was all her fault and she had no idea how to fix it. Sometimes Bianca wanted to curl up in a little ball and just cry. Everything else finally was right in her life, she had her children, she had a woman who truly loved her and was committed to her in Reese, and their love had survived a such terrible time and at last they were happy but it didn't feel right.
Nothing felt right if she didn't have Kendall and to know she ruined things, that it was her fault this was happening, it hurt more than anything else did in such a long time and Bianca felt helpless and so very lost. Minutes, hours, she didn't know how long she sat in front of the dying fire before she headed up to her room, showering and changing out of her pajamas. Exhausted from her night camping in front of Kendall's room and their talk in the morning, Bianca collapsed on her bed and fell into a fitful sleep.
Wailing alarms and the distinct smell of something burning is what Bianca woke to. Yet again, she rushed downstairs, taking each step two at a time, running into the living room where she found Kendall cursing and attempting to pull the batteries out of the smoke alarm. Bianca poked her head into the smoky kitchen and found the remains of what she believed might have been a chicken stored in the small freezer. The alarms finally stopped and Bianca had just turned on the oven fan in an attempt to get rid of the smoke in the kitchen when Kendall wandered into the room, looking frazzled and thoroughly irritated.
"Don't start," Kendall declared, holding up an index finger.
"What happened?" asked Bianca, picking up a stainless steel spatula and scraping the chicken off of the pan. The poultry landed with a loud clang into the sink and she winced.
Rooting through the drawers and putting on two gloved pot holders, Kendall picked up the charred chicken. "I cooked it at 400 when it should have been at 200? I don't know," Kendall replied petulantly.
Looking over her shoulder at the older woman, Bianca frowned as she watched her walk to the front door. "We're still snowed in, Kendall," she called out, not quite sure what she was up to. "You can't go and get us take out. I'll make you something."
"I'm not trying to get to the Caribou Club, Binks," Kendall drawled, pulling open the front door. "I'm just preparing a burial for our poor twice deceased friend." With that, Kendall hurled the burnt chicken out into the snowy abyss over the portion of the doorway not piled in snow and promptly shut the door with a slam, causing more snow to pile at the front entrance.
Chuckling at this, Bianca inspected the cupboards and seeing some of the key ingredients, she looked to Kendall and asked, "How would you feel about some homemade pizza? I could have one ready in about a half an hour."
"I want pepperoni," Kendall announced.
"Fine by me if we actually have some," said Bianca, pulling open the refrigerator. Going through the drawers, she raised an eyebrow and looked back at Kendall as she held a small package of pepperoni. "You're psychic."
"Psychotic maybe," said Kendall with a snort, taking the pepperoni. She settled herself on a stool at the kitchen counter, watching Bianca prepare the pizza and said, "I actually looked at the mind numbing dullness that is the Weather Channel while you were sleeping. They say no more snow but I have no idea when we'll get dug out of here."
"Did you call the resort?" asked Bianca, trying to keep her tone as gentle as possible, used to the fact after the past few months that if she said something in the wrong way it could lead to Kendall snapping at her.
"They said they're working their way up the mountain and they would call as soon as they knew more," said Kendall grumpily, stealing a slice of pepperoni and popping it into her mouth. "I did the Erica Kane name drop but it didn't do much good."
"Her name can melt snow now?" asked Bianca playfully, kneading the dough. "She gets more powerful every day."
"We have seen her breath fire on a few occasions," remarked Kendall, taking another slice of pepperoni.
"True," said Bianca, laughing and wearing a real smile for the first time since they arrived at the cabin.
Resting her chin in the palm of her hand, Kendall watched Bianca prepare the pizza with a strange sense of calm. When it came to cooking, cleaning, or anything remotely domestic she was completely hapless. There were moments, mostly when Spike asked for a homemade meal from her, that she regretted it but usually she was totally at ease with her lack of talent in this area. Watching Bianca though, it made her wish she was better at it, just because she liked this feeling. This odd relaxation that came from the meal being prepared and it brought back a feeling of warmth, a feeling of home, that Kendall always associated with Bianca. A feeling she had been trying to repress for months because it was dangerous, it made her want to trust, and if she trusted she was vulnerable and every time she allowed herself to be that way she only ended up hurt. Bianca was the best proof of that because Bianca was the one who Kendall trusted most and thanks to this, she was one who caused her the most pain.
Dinner was a silent affair until Kendall could no longer take the silence and she told Bianca that she had called Reese while she was sleeping to let her know they were snowed in. During the phone call she could hear the sound of the children playing in the background and the repeated shout of the word fool. Hearing this, Bianca sighed and remarked wryly, "That was Gabrielle. Her vocabulary expanded recently to include insults and her favorite of which is fool so, naturally, that's what we've all been called multiple times daily. Reese thinks it's hilarious so she encourages it and of course Miranda agrees."
"What has she called mother?" asked Kendall in a humorous drawl. Upon seeing the Bianca's bemused expression, Kendall clapped her hands and wiggled in her seat with glee. "Oh, this has got be good."
"You're enjoying this way too much," accused Bianca, grumbling but a smile forming just because she so happy to see Kendall smiling and laughing with her again. It was something she had missed more than words could say.
"Yeah, yeah," Kendall rolled her eyes. "Spill it already, what did Gabby call Mom?"
"It wasn't that bad, honestly, I mean, compared to fool and moron," said Bianca, defending her daughter's name calling. When Kendall just stared at her expectantly and raised an eyebrow, Bianca sighed heavily and said, "Twerp." Gradually the smile on Kendall's features grew larger until it was a full blown grin and then she burst into laughter which Bianca observed, her gaze fond and face indulgent as she looked at the other woman. When Kendall's laughter died down, she asked how Erica reacted to her new title and Bianca replied with deadpan humor, "She wanted to know if we'd been reading Gabby the tabloids."
"Ahhh," Kendall said knowingly. "They have been after her lately. What with the impending marriage to Adam."
"I doubt they called her a twerp though," said Bianca with a laugh. "Honestly, she took it very well. Though I'm sure it's only because one of her grandchildren was doing the name calling. Lord help us if it had been a random child on the street."
"Age hasn't mellowed her any," agreed Kendall, leaning back in her chair and stretching her arms over her head. "What does Gabby call Zach? He's around enough so I'm sure she's got a name for him, right?"
"Kendall," Bianca said her name softly and there was a contrition her gaze, that constant apology that hadn't left ever since she was told the truth behind Gabrielle's origins. It was a look that Kendall was tired of seeing.
At this point, Kendall was rather irritated by it even though in a way it was relieving to see, to have that constant evidence of Bianca's guilt because it was evidence of her feelings, that she did care for Kendall. That was reassuring as it was bitter since it meant to Kendall that Bianca didn't care enough, not as much as she thought, as she always wanted. "Look," Kendall began, sounding as exhausted as she felt, gazing at the younger woman. "We're going to be stuck in here together for who knows how long and I'd like it be a tolerable experience. So do me a favor and cut down on the guilt and the apologies okay, Binks? I get you're sorry for what went on and I forgive you. Just," trailing off, Kendall dropped her chair down and stood up, pausing to stand briefly at Bianca's side. She had an instinct, a desire to reach out, to touch those sad features and feel the pale skin she knew would be soft like silk but she kept her arms stiff at her sides. "Give me some more time."
Walking into the living room, she heard Bianca's heartfelt and sorrowful concession to her request, and that wall around Kendall's heart, the one that had been created by the belief the person she loved most didn't care for her in the same manner, it started to chip and fall away. Unfortunately, this wasn't something that either woman was aware of.
---
Once the dishes had been washed, the leftover pizza stored away, and she was sure the guilt was gone from her features, Bianca followed Kendall into the living room where she found her fiddling with the television. Fitting the weather outside, the screen was a blur of white and black, similar to a snow storm. Sitting on the couch, she watched Kendall futilely flip through the channels in a hope one of them would get a signal. Heaving an frustrated sigh, Kendall looked back at Bianca and groused, "I can't even get the Weather Channel. You don't think this means more snow, do you?"
"That or a bad cable connection," said Bianca. Nodding at the large wooden drawer that was part of the television stand, she suggested, "Open that. Maybe they have some dvds stocked for guests."
Wearing a skeptical expression, Kendall nevertheless did as Bianca requested and she was met with the sight of twenty or so movies. "Great," she groaned, inspecting the titles.
"What? Nothing there?" asked Bianca, scooting off the couch and kneeling next to Kendall.
"Nothing but a collection of movies that make us both cry," said Kendall in sardonic tones. Looking to Bianca, a clear warning on her sharp features, she declared, "I am not watching Steel Magnolias with you, Binks."
Forming a pout, Bianca looked through the rest of the movies and held up another title, wearing an entreating look on her face. "What about Fried Green Tomatoes? Or do you have something against Mary-Louise Parker?"
"Nothing except the fact she dies in all her movies," replied Kendall with a teasing drawl.
"Two movies she died in, just two," said Bianca huffily, holding up two fingers to further demonstrate her point. "Fried Green Tomatoes and Boys On The Side. Besides, she's busy selling marijuana on Showtime now."
"That's better than dying tragically I suppose," said Kendall who had a grin tugging at the corners of her lips as she observed Bianca's annoyance with her. "All right," Kendall acquiesced, taking the dvd from Bianca and removing it from the case. "I'll watch it with you if you promise not to cry and complain about them neutering the lesbian romance from the original novel version."
"Unfair," Bianca retorted but she nevertheless settled on the couch and watched as Kendall put the dvd into the player. "And since they're women I think saying their romance was spayed is more accurate."
"Huzzah for accuracy," said Kendall humorously. Sitting on the other side of the couch, she pointed a finger at Bianca in a fairly effective warning gesture. "Remember your promise. No crying. If you start crying then I'll start crying and I'm sick of that whole experience. I see even a hint of a tear and I'll eject this movie before Idgie becomes petite, blonde, and totally your type."
"I don't have a type," protested Bianca, looking slightly indignant.
"Oh please," Kendall rolled her eyes again. "You have such a type. Sarah, petite and blonde, Frankie, petite and blonde, Maggie, twin sister of second petite and blonde, Reese, not so petite but definitely blonde."
"You left out Lena," Bianca was quick to point out. "She was neither petite nor blonde. Thus proving I don't have a type."
"Lena was an aberration," said Kendall, waving her hand dismissively. "You were still a teenager and she was a hot Polish fox with a sexy accent and a high level of comfort with her own sexuality. Of course you'd go outside your type for that."
"I was nineteen!" exclaimed Bianca, a bit offended.
"Like I said, a teenager," said Kendall with a snort. "But face it, Binks, you definitely like blondes."
Her face scrunching up and a look of consideration on her features, Bianca released a puff of air then said, "If I have a type then I'm not consciously aware of it. I think it has more to do with personality than looks with me. At least, I hope it does."
"Physical attraction is all instinct and hormones, it's not something you can reason with," Kendall mused, turning away from Bianca to focus on the movie where they had finally gotten past all the advertising previews onto the main screen. Pushing play, she said, "I wish I could just pick who I fell in love with. It would solve a lot of problems."
"Who would you pick?" asked Bianca and when Kendall looked her way, her cheeks heated in a blush. The words slipped past her lips before she could help it but she didn't take the question back because she was genuinely curious about the answer.
"I don't know," said Kendall in contemplative tones. "I mean, all the men I've been with, they seem great at first but something always goes wrong. Except maybe with Aidan. He's always been there for me when I needed him, even if that caused a huge problem in my relationship with Ryan and my marriage to Zach. Not that it matters, Aidan is with Annie now and I'd rather not have her go crazy again by means of me trying to take away the man who helped get her marbles back, you know? Plus they seem happy together which is definitely a rare commodity back home." Tilting her head, Kendall's gaze was lidded as she studied the lines of Bianca's features, pretty and pale and filled with such emotion, such concern for her, and she couldn't help herself, she didn't know why she said it, but she found herself speaking exactly what she thought in that moment. "I've always wanted to be with someone like you. Somebody good and honest, who wouldn't keep secrets, who would put me first. That's what I would pick." Giving a barking laugh, sardonic and bitter, Kendall muttered, "Pathetic, isn't it?"
"No," said Bianca quietly, scooting across the couch to sit next to Kendall. Slowly she reached out, touching her cheek, turning Kendall's head and cupping her face in her hands. Her fingers moved across Kendall's skin in a tender caress and Bianca looked at her with dark eyes that were filled with so much understanding and love that Kendall felt her throat clench at the sight. "Not at all. Kendall," she breathed her name more than said it, moving closer, pulling her into an embrace. Whispering in her ear, voice earnest and sincere, "I know you told me to stop apologizing but I'm sorry for what I did. For keeping Gabrielle a secret and it's not pathetic, wanting someone like that in your life." Pulling away, Bianca held her hand flat against Kendall's cheek, looking at her with eyes shining with unshed tears, there was a hint of wry humor as she said, "I've always wanted the same thing."
"What? To be with yourself?" asked Kendall sardonically, trying to push away her emotions, denying the impact that Bianca's admission truly had to her, afraid of letting Bianca get that close to her again.
"No," Bianca said again, shaking her head, a small smile curling on her lips, one that was filled with affection. "You were the standard bearer, Kendall. Believe it or not but when I met Reese I compared her to you."
"In fashion sense?" asked Kendall, lifting an eyebrow humorously, trying to turn away from Bianca. "I win hands down."
"That's not what I meant and you know it," said Bianca in a gentle recrimination. "After Maggie, I was afraid to trust again. We were so close, best friends, and she cheated on me. I couldn't understand it and when I met Reese, I was scared to let her in but I thought about you, the things I loved about you the most. How you would do anything for your family, the people you love, how you sacrifice and put yourself at risk, all while making sarcastic remarks and pretending you aren't. I looked for things like that in Reese and while she might not have your witty repartee she does have the same devotion to family and that's how I knew I could trust her."
"Is that how you forgave her?" questioned Kendall, it was something she had wondered for a long time. Bianca's forgiveness of Reese, what brought it about, she was certain that after the accident, Reese's blindness, Bianca would come rushing back into town but she didn't and because of the distance in their relationship, she never did find out the details behind the reconciliation.
"Partially," revealed Bianca, her hand falling from Kendall's cheek and into her own lap. Her eyes drifted to the television screen where Idgie was teaching Ruth how to jump onto a train. "Once I left Pine Valley and had some distance from Reese, I stopped being so angry and when that happened I could look at the situation, at Reese, with a better perspective. It still hurt, what she did but when I thought about where she came from, her parents, and how she grew up then I thought about our time together, how she treated me, the girls, and I knew she loved me, that she wanted a life with me. I just wasn't sure if she was ready for that kind of commitment, no matter what she said, because she had been confused and closeted for so long, letting other people tell her who she was, what she thought, but when I came back and I looked into her eyes, I knew it was right. I knew we had to try again, not only for us but for our girls, because I finally saw the same strength that you have in her eyes and I realized she'd never give up on us, she'd never stop loving me, and I just couldn't walk away from that."
"I used to feel that way about Zach," Kendall confessed, her voice far off and drifting, she didn't know why she was telling Bianca this. Maybe to reciprocate, the social contract of give and take in a conversation, along with a deep seeded need to be close to Bianca again but she was talking and now she couldn't seem to stop, her feelings spilling out like water released from a dam. "I thought I would always come first with him. Me and the boys, we were his world, that's what I thought. I was wrong though, he pushed me away, time and time again, he created a distance and Reese," Kendall looked to Bianca, a smile tugging at her lips. "Even when she was blind it was always you, Binks. Always talking about you and the girls and how she would do whatever it took to get you back. I didn't get that from Zach though and I don't know why that hurt so much. It's the norm, after all." Kendall gave a short burst of laughter, caustic and bitter. "Everyone I love lets me down or leaves."
"It doesn't have to be that way," Bianca insisted, taking Kendall's hands, squeezing them softly. "You'll find someone who stays, Kendall. I know you will."
"The eternal optimist," drawled Kendall, tilting her head to one side. She wanted to touch Bianca, feel her skin, her fingertips itched she wanted it so much but she couldn't let herself, she couldn't give into these emotions, let herself get too close, become attached like she once was. That's why she pulled her hands away, folding her arms across her chest and nodding at the television where Idgie was in the process of helping Ruth leave her abusive husband. "Enough of depressing reality, huh? Why not concentrate on depressing fiction for awhile? The kind starring petite blondes you have a thing for."
"I told you, I don't have a type," said Bianca with a slight scowl, poking Kendall in the side. "I appreciate all kinds of women."
"Right," Kendall said with a humorous snort. "Just like I appreciate all kinds of men but only go for tall, dark, and brooding."
Instead of replying, Bianca shook her head and focused on the movie, unaware of Kendall's gaze moving over the lines of her face, taking in Bianca's happiness as if hoping somehow to make it her own, a look of silent affection forming as she did.
---
Through an unspoken consensus it was decided after Kendall's disaster involving the chicken that Bianca would be in charge of any meal preparation that involved a heating implement. Which is what Bianca was busy doing while Kendall was arguing on the phone with the manager of the resort, demanding to know when exactly the road leading to their cabin would be cleared.
By the way that Kendall gave a noise of utmost frustration as she came into the kitchen, Bianca assumed the talk didn't go that well. Concentrating on cooking the ground beef for the taco salad she was making for lunch, she held back the urge to ask what the manager had said, deciding to wait for Kendall to eventually vent her emotions.
"Board games," Kendall snapped, sitting on a stool in the kitchen and grabbing one of the baby carrots on the counter. Bianca looked away from the ground beef to lift an eyebrow inquisitively. Biting into the carrot with a crunch, Kendall continued, "He told me we would be stuck here for awhile and when I asked him what he expected us to do he said to play board games."
"They don't have any idea when the road will be cleared?" asked Bianca.
"Not with the weather," said Kendall, rolling her eyes and taking another carrot. "Apparently it might snow again tonight and if it's anywhere near the amount we got last time they'll have to plow the part of the road they just got cleared. He did say that they are halfway up the mountain and if the snowfall is light they should reach us in three days but he couldn't guarantee anything."
Focusing back on the ground beef as it finished cooking, Bianca turned off the burner and removed the taco shells from the oven, placing them on plates. Kendall observed as the younger woman filled the shells with lettuce, cheese, pausing to shred the baby carrots, and she swore there was a tiny gleam of amusement in Bianca's eyes and she couldn't help but ask, "What's so funny?"
"Nothing," Bianca denied swiftly, adding the ground beef to the shells, trying to keep the smile from her lips and failing.
"Yeah right," Kendall snorted, leaning across the counter and poking Bianca in the breast. "Tell me."
"Did you just poke me in the boob?" asked Bianca incredulously, releasing a sputtering laugh.
"Yes, I did, now tell me what's so funny," said Kendall in casual but altogether smug tones.
"I can't believe you poked me in the boob," Bianca muttered, giving a sudden burst of laughter as Kendall leaned forward again and made like she was going to repeat the gesture. Slapping at her hand, Bianca cried out, "Quit that!"
"I'll keep poking you until you tell me what was so funny and I'm not discriminating about body parts," threatened Kendall, a playful light in her eyes that made Bianca laugh and feel so very glad to see it.
"It really is nothing," Bianca insisted, yelping and jumping away as Kendall got off the stool and extended her prime poking finger. Folding her arms over her breasts, she said rather ruefully, "I just think you're cute when you get grumpy and complain about things you can't change. It reminds me of Miranda when she has a cold, she's the exact same way."
"Cute?" echoed Kendall and her nose scrunched up in distaste. "Kendall Hart is not cute."
"Yes, she is," said Bianca warmly, finishing off one of the taco salads and pushing it towards Kendall who was settling in back on the stool in front of the counter. "She's wonderfully cute, just like her niece, whom I'm sure learned it from her favorite aunt."
"Wonderfully cute," Kendall echoed again. Taking her fork, she smashed the shell into small pieces with a focused intent. "That's something I never thought I would hear about myself."
"Well, you are," said Bianca somewhat forcefully, though she wore a warm smile. She sat next to Kendall, breaking up the shell far more carefully as she took the first bite. "I mean it," she said in a soft murmur. "There are times when Miranda reminds me so much of you. Mostly when she gets obsessive about her clothing and hairstyle," Bianca said in teasing tones and Kendall laughed, smiling at her fondly and Bianca took in that smile, incredibly happy to receive it, wanting to memorize this moment when they were getting along and there was an ease to their interaction. "When we were teaching her how to ride a bike she refused to let us put on the training wheels. She said it would make her look like a baby and even though she kept falling over again and again, she never gave up until eventually she could ride the bike on her own. That's just like you, refusing to give up. Focused on your goal and determined to get there. I'm glad," Bianca said, her voice quiet and sincere. "I'm glad Miranda is like you. It makes me happy, seeing things in her that come from you, it always has."
"She's too nice to be completely like me," said Kendall dryly. Pointing her fork at Bianca, a grin tugged at her lips and she drawled, "I think I'll end up having more in common with Gabby if she keeps going around insulting people with no consequence."
Shaking her head and laughing at this, Bianca returned to eating her salad, a mischievous idea emerging as she thought about what the resort manager said and she turned to Kendall who still wore a smile on her face. "I did see an old version of Monopoly out there." On hearing this, Kendall looked at Bianca with an utterly droll expression and Bianca laughed again. "Come on," Bianca cajoled. "It could be fun. You could end up owning all of Boardwalk and maybe even Park Place."
"I want to be the top hat," Kendall said firmly.
"Fine by me, I like the Scottie dog," replied Bianca, laughing and smiling as they returned to eating their lunch.
---
"How did you wind up with everything?" Kendall grumbled, staring at the board that was littered with little red houses claimed by Bianca. She was sure that between the two of them she was the ruthless executive type and the game would be hers but it turned out to be surprisingly the opposite. "I've got six properties and you have thirteen. When did that happen?"
"You own Boardwalk," pointed out Bianca helpfully. "Along with Reading Railroad."
"And you've got the Electric Company!" exclaimed Kendall, waving at the board. Resting her chin in the palm of her hand, she wondered if there was anything she could do to win the game. As much as she hated to admit it, she didn't think there was a way for her to get the edge over Bianca. It was best to cut her losses. Sighing as she contemplated her lack of options, she remarked, "Bianca wins again."
"I don't always win," said Bianca in a quiet protest, helping Kendall clear the board. When Kendall didn't respond and continued clearing away the pieces, her jaw tight, and a dark look in her eyes, she questioned softly, "Kendall?" Jerking her head upwards, Kendall looked at Bianca with wide eyes and the younger woman studied her with a look of concern. "Hey," she said in a hush, her voice soothing as she moved over to the other woman, looking at her worriedly. "You don't believe that, do you?"
"No," Kendall said this with such bravado that Bianca frowned, not really believing the enthusiasm behind it. "Not anymore. Maybe when I was younger." Trailing off, she frowned on seeing the hurt look on Bianca's features. Seeing it pierced her heart in a way she no longer thought was possible and Kendall found herself continuing, "When I first came to Pine Valley, you were just a kid. It really was stupid, how jealous I was of you but it was like you had everything I didn't growing up. Erica and Travis were divorced but it was obvious how much they loved you, how much they wanted you, and I never felt like that."
"I know," said Bianca, gazing at Kendall with wide and understanding eyes. Holding Kendall's hands and squeezing them tenderly, she murmured, "That's why made a promise, remember? That Miranda would never feel the same way, that she would always know she was wanted and loved, right from the very start, and it's a promise that we've kept. You and I together."
"Along with Mom, Jack, Reese, the rest of Pine Valley," said Kendall wryly, thinking of the large number of people who adored her niece, who kept her close to their heart, especially after the horrible circumstances surrounding her birth.
"Miranda does have a lot of people in her corner," admitted Bianca fondly. Cupping Kendall's cheek, her fingers stroked the soft skin and her gaze was dark and affectionate as she said, "But none of them matter as much as you."
She wanted to believe this, she wanted it so badly, because before she had her boys Bianca and Miranda were the people that meant the most to Kendall and there wasn't anything she wouldn't do for them. As hurt as she was by Bianca, that's still how she felt, she couldn't just turn those emotions off, as much as she wanted to for her own protection. Ducking her head, not wanting to show the tears she knew were forming in her eyes, Kendall asked, her voice a rough murmur, "Do you mean that?"
"Of course," said Bianca, lifting Kendall's head, wiping the tears away with her thumbs. "I know as much as I want to keep what Michael did to me from Miranda she's going to have questions and when that time comes, I always thought that I would ask you for help because you would know exactly what she's going through. You would make sure she knew how much I loved her, wanted her, from the start. That she was the one thing, besides you, that helped me survive what he did to me."
"I will," Kendall replied with a serious look on her features. "I'll tell her all of that and I won't let her start hating herself, like I did. Blaming herself for what happened to you. I know that's why I was so horrible to you when I first came to Pine Valley, because I hated myself and I was jealous of you, of how mother looked at you, treated you. She thinks you're perfect, you know?"
"I don't know if she really thinks that but that's what I grew up believing," admitted Bianca, turning away from Kendall to look out the windows at the snow covered landscape. "I was convinced I had to be the person Mom thought I was and that I had to live up to this image she created of me in her mind. That's why I was anorexic. It started with the tabloids, talking about my weight and how I wasn't pretty enough to be the daughter of Erica Kane and I listened and I believed every horrible thing they said about me and I had to be skinnier, I had to be prettier, and I made myself sick over it. All because I was convinced I had to make myself into something I wasn’t so Mom would love me. Kendall," Bianca said with yearning. "I understand. I really do."
"My boys won't ever feel that way," said Kendall strongly. "I won't let them."
"Neither will my girls," said Bianca in a soft promise. "They'll both grow up knowing I love them exactly as they are, that nothing they do could ever change that, and that they're always wanted. That they were never a disappointment, never a burden."
Thinking back to her initial reaction, her months of anger and bitterness, things she couldn't let go until Ian needed his bone marrow transplant, until Gabrielle saved her son's life, Kendall said in quiet self-disgust, "I would have made Gabby feel that way though. If I had kept going on the way I was. I would've made her feel exactly the way I did growing up because of my resentment and anger at you and Zach. Something that had nothing to do with her. She was always an innocent in all this mess."
"Kendall," Bianca said her name as if it were a prayer, holding her face in her hands, touching her gently. "It's okay."
"No," said Kendall and the words, they were caught in her throat. She shook her head fiercely, moving from Bianca's touch, standing up and looking down at the younger woman with tormented and teary eyes. "It's not okay, Bianca. I almost made that little girl live through the same hell that I did because I couldn't let go of the fact that you…" Kendall broke off, not wanting to say it, not wanting to admit the real reason she continued to be so hurt, so upset, by Bianca's actions, by her secrets. Shaking her head again, Kendall muttered, "It's not okay, it will never be okay that I almost did that to her."
Solitary and lonely, that was how Bianca felt, sitting by herself in the living room, staring at the empty Monopoly board, the pieces cleared away and Bianca wondered how it came to this. How this became their life together and she wanted that bond back, that intimacy she used to share with Kendall. Her life wouldn't feel right without it, something would always be missing, something would always be off.
Onto Part Two
SERIES: All My Children
AUTHOR: Dreiser
EMAIL: dreiser7@yahoo.com
YAHOO ID: dreiser7
MY WEBSITE: http://www.dreiser.org/
CONTENT: F/F romance. F/F sex. F/F incest. Kendall/Bianca. Kinks.
SUMMARY: The only thing Kendall ever really wanted was to come first in someone's heart.
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing but my love for Sis Yay.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I can't help it, honestly. Kinks is my couple of choice on All My Children. Don't like it, please don't read fic.
By: Dreiser
Part One
A year had passed since Bianca was last in Pine Valley. Family crisis and the odd encouragement from Reese to try and reconnect with her family is why she decided to return. After three months in town she found herself forcibly attending a getaway with Kendall. They were supposed to go with Erica, she had planned the trip, renting a cabin out in the mountains that was part of a larger therapeutic resort where massages and steam rooms were the norm.
At the last minute in an event that seemed suspiciously planned, Erica couldn't make it, she had business to take care of with Adam and they found themselves alone on the Cambias jet flying off to Colorado. The flight was silent and stifling, there was an awkward air that perpetuated all of their time together lately, something that happened ever since Kendall woke up from her coma and discovered the secrets Zach and Bianca had been keeping from her.
Bitter and betrayed, that's how Kendall felt. She continued to feel this way even after Bianca briefly returned with Gabrielle, allowing her daughter's bone marrow to be donated to save Ian. After this happened Kendall was able to let go of her irrational resentment towards Gabrielle, finally acknowledging the child was an innocent in all this but she couldn't rid herself of the bitterness she felt when it came to Bianca and it made her sick, feeling this love that had kept her going through the years, that made her strong, turning out this way and she was relieved when Bianca left with Reese for France. Just because when Bianca wasn't around she could pretend she didn't feel this way, she could push the feelings down.
Then Erica had a heart attack and Bianca came back with Reese and the girls. Together they helped their mother through her recovery and the longer Bianca stayed the more obvious it was that Erica didn't want her to leave and Kendall understood it. Try as she might, Kendall couldn't get over the betrayal she felt and it created this subtle tension whenever they were together. One that caused a sadness to remain in Bianca's dark eyes whenever she was with Kendall, something that hurt Kendall so very much but still, she couldn't let go and she knew that was why Erica planned this trip, tricking them so they would be alone. She wanted her to finally move on, for their relationship to return to how it once was but Kendall didn't know if she could do that.
More than anything, she wanted to move on, Kendall wanted it so very badly because she loved Bianca, she never stopped loving Bianca, and try as she might to pretend that Bianca no longer held that important place in her heart, right after her boys and before the men she was with, she did hold it and nothing would change that. Not even her own denials.
That didn't stop things from being awkward and uncomfortable as they exited the Cambias jet and headed towards their cabin which was strangely small for Erica Kane's usual tastes. Kendall supposed that the small size was part of her plan to force them to spend time together. Although this plan would have worked better if they both didn't have very comfortable private rooms to disappear into. Which is precisely what they did for the first six hours and then Kendall heard a hesitant knock to the door and looking up from her quarterly returns from Fusion that were spread out on the bed in front of her, Kendall called come in and she wondered, she hoped, if now it would finally begin. The forgiveness, the healing, the return to how it once was between them because she wanted that to happen. She wanted it so very much but she didn't know where to start.
"Hey," Bianca said shyly, a hint of a smile on her features. Kendall returned the greeting and Bianca raised an eyebrow at the huge pile of paperwork in front of her on the bed. "I thought this was supposed to be a vacation?"
"I brought this to help me sleep," replied Kendall, lifting up a thick stack of the papers.
There was a lightness, a humor to her voice, that Bianca hadn't experienced in a very long time and it encouraged her to walk over to the bed and sit next to Kendall. The flight had been so quiet, so awkward, and Bianca was afraid this mood would continue throughout all their time together and she couldn't bear the idea of that. She wanted to spend this trip fixing what she had broken with her selfishness, she wanted Kendall to love her again, because these days it didn't seem like she did. Taking the papers, Bianca studied the multitude of graphs and figures, immediately grasping why this would be nap inducing material. "Makes sense to me," she remarked. "I want to go to sleep after looking at this for a few seconds."
"But Binks," Kendall drawled, scooting closer to flip through the pages and land on a brightly colored pie chart. "Check out my pie chart on lipstick sales. It features not only a masterpiece of mauve but also the tackiness of taupe."
"Taupe?" repeated Bianca with a laugh. "When did that become your color of choice?"
"It isn't, I just like how it sounds," admitted Kendall, arching an eyebrow in playful challenge.
Murmuring fondly in response, Bianca gave the papers back to Kendall and watched her with a lidded gaze. "I missed this," she confessed in a hush after a few moments of silence. When Kendall looked up, her blue gray eyes wide, she continued, "I missed us. I know it's my fault, the way things have turned out, and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Kendall. I know how I hurt you."
Looking into Bianca's eyes, seeing the truth there, the silent plea along with the love, the begging for forgiveness, Kendall found herself wanting to give in. She couldn't help it, she still loved Bianca so very much, Bianca held a giant piece of her heart and she always would and Kendall wanted to stop hating that, to give into her love for the younger woman. Vulnerable, she made her feel so very vulnerable, and it stung to be that way around Bianca now, it was a weakness she no longer wanted to reveal, a weakness she no longer trusted in Bianca's hands.
"Forget it," Kendall said quickly, looking away from Bianca and getting off the bed.
In less than a minute, Bianca found herself alone in Kendall's room and she sighed. Things never were easy with Kendall. Difficulty was the unspoken rule and as much as it became exhausting and utterly frustrating at times, it was always worth it because Kendall loved so fiercely and with such loyalty and Bianca knew she betrayed that love with what she did and it was up to her to reclaim their bond along with Kendall's trust. Which is why she pushed herself off the bed and followed after Kendall.
Walking downstairs, she heard Kendall's dismayed shout and rushing down the last few steps, Bianca dashed into the living room to find the older woman standing at the opened front door which had a pile of snow that was several feet tall. The snow started to shift backwards, like it was going to go toppling onto their shiny hardwood floors and Kendall shrieked, slamming the door shut and Bianca winced at the sound of more snow falling, undoubtedly from the force of the door closing. Walking up to the window and peering outside, she noted sardonically that the only visible portion of their car was the top of its roof. "We're snowed in," said Bianca, deciding to state the all too obvious.
Releasing an agitated noise, Kendall waved her hands about and declared, "Great! Please, would someone explain to me why our lives are always so cliché? I mean, mother couldn't have planned this any better, could she? Now we're really forced to spend time together."
Instead of replying, Bianca walked past her and into the kitchen, systematically going through the cupboards and refrigerator. Kendall eventually wandered over, wanting to know what she was doing. Peering up from the vegetable drawer, Bianca replied, "Making sure we have enough food and water to get us through however long we'll be stuck in here."
"Do we?" asked Kendall, suddenly feeling more panicked than before.
"Enough to last a month unless we decide to gorge ourselves out of misery," said Bianca in droll tones.
"Look at me," snorted Kendall, gesturing to her waspishly thin frame. "Do I really look like I eat my feelings?" Waving her hands at Bianca and feeling a familiar wave of envy rising as she eyed the other woman's generous curves which she had always admired and wanted for herself, she remarked, "You're the one who actually has any kind of shape other than a straight line."
"Which naturally means I pig out daily," Bianca's voice remained completely droll but there was a small hint of hurt there too.
"That's not what I meant and you know it," replied Kendall peevishly.
"Actually I don't know anymore and I think that was the point of this trip so we both start learning again," said Bianca plainly. When Kendall looked at her with a surprised expression, she sighed heavily and continued, "We have to fix this, Kendall. We're driving everyone crazy. Mom, Uncle Jack, Reese, Zach when he's around, Ryan, and Greenlee now that she's recovered from her amnesia. I think even the kids sense something is off between us and Miranda…" Bianca's words trailed away and she wasn't sure how to say what was next without sounding cruel.
"What about Miranda?" demanded Kendall, unable to help the sudden panic that swept through her on hearing the little girl's name. She never wanted to hurt the children in this, not her boys, not Bianca's girls, but god, especially not Miranda. Despite her anger at Bianca she had been trying so very hard to hide it from her niece, the child that she always strangely felt was hers as much as she was Bianca's because she was the reason behind Bianca deciding to keep her pregnancy.
"She's six and she understands things more than we think," Bianca said, more to herself than Kendall, her voice distant.
"Did she say something about me?" asked Kendall, moving closer to Bianca, a pleading in her voice. "Bianca, what is it?"
Turning to look at Kendall, an utterly sad light in her dark eyes and a reluctance there as well, one that told Kendall quite clearly Bianca rather not tell her this and Bianca murmured, "She said she wants to go back to France because she thinks us being in Pine Valley hurts you."
"What?" Kendall's voice was barely audible and immediately she felt her eyes began to well up with tears.
"I told her she was wrong, that you loved her, you loved all of us very much but you were upset with me," said Bianca gently as she cautiously made her way over to Kendall. She hesitantly held Kendall's hands, squeezing them softly when the other woman looked at her.
"What did she say when you told her that?" asked Kendall quietly.
"She wanted to know what I did to upset you and I said that I kept a secret from you that I shouldn't have," Bianca said this in a whisper and regret was thick in her voice along with sorrow, it was so palpable and Kendall always knew Bianca was sorry for what she had done but until this moment she hadn't really accepted it because of her own feelings of betrayal. "Miranda said I was silly for doing that, said secrets were bad, that she never keeps them. I told her she was right and she should never do the same thing with Gabrielle. That she should never hurt her own sister that way and then she told me to fix things with you because she knew it was making me just as sad as it was making you and she didn't like that." Studying Kendall's sharp features, how her eyes held that vulnerable light that it always used to have when they were together, talking like this. "Kendall," she said her name in a whisper. "I mean that. I want to fix things, I know what I did was wrong, and I want to make things right again. Please," Bianca's voice was a definite entreaty and Kendall felt her let go of her hands, reaching to touch her cheek softly. Unable to help herself, she allowed Bianca to turn her head so they were looking into each others eyes. "Give me a chance."
Forgiveness was what Bianca wanted and that was what Kendall wanted to give but as much as it wanted to forgive, it scared her, the idea of letting Bianca back in, having the close relationship they once had because what if Bianca betrayed her again? Kendall already knew that she didn't hold the same place in Bianca's heart that the younger woman did in hers, that she wasn't as important to Bianca as Bianca was to her and that was what hurt the most. That was what she couldn't get over.
So Kendall fell back on instinct, on old bad habits, and she pulled away, moving from Bianca's touch and running up towards her room, leaving Bianca and her pleas for forgiveness behind.
It seemed to Bianca she spent a good deal of her life chasing people down. Trying to get them to listen to her and mostly it wore on her nerves because no one ever did the same for her. Not even Reese after their momentary separation. She stayed in Pine Valley, trying to win over her family in attempt to reconcile, but she didn't chase after Bianca. No one did that except for Kendall. Over and over she would run after her, force her to say what was wrong, she would meddle and interfere, and be so frustratingly obvious in her love, in her concern, when she did this that Bianca couldn't ever be anything but grateful.
That was why Bianca wouldn't give up on Kendall now. Why she would chase her down, keep trying until finally the other woman would talk to her and they could begin to heal the rift between them that she created with her secrets. Knocking on Kendall's door, she asked to be let in, she pled her case, she tried to open the locked door, and finally after nearly a half an hour she told Kendall that eventually they had to talk and she would keep trying, that she wouldn't give up, not now and not ever, because she loved her that much and she slid down onto the ground, preparing to sit there as long as it took.
From the other side of the door, her hands pressing up against it, imagining Bianca on the other side, Kendall stood and she listened and she believed but still, no matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't let go. No matter how it hurt them both.
---
The next morning, Kendall rolled out of bed, and wandered downstairs in her robe to find the smell of coffee and food cooking greeting her. Bianca stood in front of the stove dressed in her pajamas and preparing a variety of crepes.
Looking up from preparing the batter, Bianca moved over to the coffee pot and poured a cup for Kendall after she added the appropriate amount of cream and sugar. Raising an eyebrow and accepting the drink, Kendall noted, "Aren't we the perfect little housewife."
"Do you still like scrambled eggs?" Bianca asked, apparently deciding to not rise to Kendall's bait who frowned as she observed the dark circles under the younger woman's eyes. She turned to look at Kendall when she didn't respond and upon seeing the concerned look on her face, Bianca questioned, "What is it?"
"Nothing," Kendall muttered and Bianca looked away, going back to her cooking, and Kendall couldn't help but watch her, studying the exhausted planes of her face. She didn't want to ask but she found the words slipping past her lips before she could help it and she asked, "How long were you outside my door?"
A self-deprecating smile on her lips, Bianca looked at a nearby clock, and replied, "Until about forty minutes ago." Feeling strangely reassured by the look of shock on Kendall's face, she added, "I'm not giving up on us, Kendall. I can't, I won't, and I'm willing to wait as long as it takes until I can finally get you to talk to me because things can't keep up like this."
"Fine," said Kendall in something of a mutter and when Bianca looked at her, clearly surprised that she would give in so easily, she waved her hands about. "Fine!" she repeated, stronger now, clearly exasperated. "After breakfast we'll have your precious talk. But I don't know how it's going to fix anything."
Ignoring the more negative comments on Kendall's part, relieved to get this chance, Bianca turned back to cooking and asked again, her tone much lighter and happier before, "Do you still like scrambled eggs?"
"Yes," Kendall said. Her eyes fixed on Bianca's features, noting how she didn't have that same slump to her shoulders and a good portion of her stress had disappeared as if her agreeing to at least talk with Bianca had made it magically float away, she found herself continuing, speaking more about Bianca then about food as she said, "I love them."
---
Breakfast was a silent affair, they ate and they drank their coffee, and they put the dishes in the washer. Kendall wandered into the living room, sitting in front of the fireplace, absently going through the routine to start a fire. Paper lining the bottom with small sticks on top and a log of wood placed at an angle to give the fire room to breath. She had just gotten it lit when Bianca came to sit next to her, remarking that she could have started a fire if Kendall was cold.
"No thanks, Binks," said Kendall dryly, looking at her sister with a certain tongue-in-cheek humor. "You're a disaster magnet with a history of childhood pyromania, remember? I think I'm the one best suited to start small contained fires only meant for heating purposes."
There wasn't any response, just a sigh on Bianca's part, then she said, "Is this how it's going to be from now on? Because I don't want that, Kendall. I don't want to snipe and insult and belittle."
"What do you want?" asked Kendall, turning to Bianca, trying to keep her voice hard, along with her expression but finding it extremely difficult when faced with Bianca's plaintive features. "I can't just forget what you did, Bianca. Even if I want to."
"So don't forget, I don't want you to forget, I just want you to listen to me," said Bianca desperately and when Kendall looked at her with an expression that wasn't welcoming but all the same told her to continue, she sighed heavily. Running her fingers through her hair, Bianca said, "It's my fault. I knew from the start I should have asked you about Zach being the donor. Honestly, I didn't even plan on asking him, I was drunk when I did and he said no, and somehow Reese convinced him. I don't know if he did it to make up for Michael raping me or to get even because you slept with Aidan like you claim but he helped us and I should have talked to you first but I was scared you would say no and so I didn't. I kept it a secret and the longer I kept that secret the harder it was to tell you. The pregnancy," Bianca looked away from Kendall, her expression constrained, haunted, and Kendall couldn't look away, she hadn't ever seen her sister look like this. "I almost lost Gabrielle more than once. They put me on bed rest for months and when things were finally safe I went to Pine Valley to see you, to tell you, and then the tornado…"
"Wrecked our lives," said Kendall flatly.
"No," Bianca shook her head. "It wasn't the tornado that caused our problems, it was me."
"Well," Kendall drew the word out and gave Bianca a glittering if not totally insincere smile. "Then tell me why you were scared I would say no because I got to tell you, Binks, I thought I had a pretty solid track record of saying yes. Helping you through your rape, covering your pregnancy to Mom, taking the rap for Michael's murder. Yes, yes, yes!"
"I know that, Kendall," said Bianca in truly tormented tones, her eyes filling with tears. "You did so much for me--"
"Why didn't you talk to me about it?" asked Kendall sharply. "Why? That's what I want to know, Bianca. Because, honestly, at this point I don't know what I would have said but I'm guessing that it might have been yes because it was you asking and there's pretty much nothing I wouldn't have done for you back then."
"Back then," Bianca echoed sadly. "But not now."
"Probably not," said Kendall in blunt tones. "You haven't told me why you didn't ask me. That's what I want to know."
"I was afraid you would say no because I knew you would ask why I wanted a second child," said Bianca quietly, ducking her head and looking into the fire. "I knew you would ask me about Reese and how long we had been together. When I told you that it was less than a year, you'd say that I needed to wait, get to know her better before having a second child, and I would have listened to you because I always listen even if I don't follow your advice. That time though… I probably would have and when I did I would've had to face that there were problems in my relationship with Reese. I would've had to face that things weren't as perfect as I made them out to be, that I didn't know her nearly well enough, something that was proven when we first came to Pine Valley."
"I would have burst your bubble," said Kendall in a sardonic observation.
"Yes," Bianca admitted, pushing a lock of hair behind her ear. "But you would have been right."
Puzzling as it was, almost irrational, Kendall understood where Bianca was coming from. Why she had wanted to stay inside a place that had been safe and warm and perfect. She understood it but it didn't make it hurt any less to discover why she had been kept out of such a very important decision on the part of Bianca and her ex-husband. Especially during a period of time when she considered Bianca to be one of the most important people in her life, just after her boys, and she mistakenly assumed that she held the same position for Bianca. Only to find out she was so very wrong when Gabrielle's conception came to light.
She didn't know how to reply because even if she understood it still hurt and Kendall didn't know if she could forgive. So she stood up and walked away from Bianca, retreating back into her room.
Bianca remained where she was, sitting in front of the fire, staring into the flames, watching them jump and crackle. Holding back her tears as she wondered where to go from here. It was the truth, what she had told Kendall, it was her fear that her sister would point out all the flaws, the problems, in her relationship with Reese that kept her from telling her about their desire for another child and in hindsight it was all so very foolish on her part. It would have saved so much pain and so much heartache on everyone's part if she had just spoken with Kendall because in the end, Kendall would have been right, Kendall would have been protecting her, doing the what was best for her just like she had ever since the rape.
How things got to this point, she didn't know. Just like she didn't know how to fix things. She loved Kendall, she loved her so very much, but Bianca didn't know how she could prove that to her. Nothing seemed to work. Not her actions, not her words, nothing. It was so disheartening, having this knowledge that their relationship which had been so close, so good, was in shambles and it was all her fault and she had no idea how to fix it. Sometimes Bianca wanted to curl up in a little ball and just cry. Everything else finally was right in her life, she had her children, she had a woman who truly loved her and was committed to her in Reese, and their love had survived a such terrible time and at last they were happy but it didn't feel right.
Nothing felt right if she didn't have Kendall and to know she ruined things, that it was her fault this was happening, it hurt more than anything else did in such a long time and Bianca felt helpless and so very lost. Minutes, hours, she didn't know how long she sat in front of the dying fire before she headed up to her room, showering and changing out of her pajamas. Exhausted from her night camping in front of Kendall's room and their talk in the morning, Bianca collapsed on her bed and fell into a fitful sleep.
Wailing alarms and the distinct smell of something burning is what Bianca woke to. Yet again, she rushed downstairs, taking each step two at a time, running into the living room where she found Kendall cursing and attempting to pull the batteries out of the smoke alarm. Bianca poked her head into the smoky kitchen and found the remains of what she believed might have been a chicken stored in the small freezer. The alarms finally stopped and Bianca had just turned on the oven fan in an attempt to get rid of the smoke in the kitchen when Kendall wandered into the room, looking frazzled and thoroughly irritated.
"Don't start," Kendall declared, holding up an index finger.
"What happened?" asked Bianca, picking up a stainless steel spatula and scraping the chicken off of the pan. The poultry landed with a loud clang into the sink and she winced.
Rooting through the drawers and putting on two gloved pot holders, Kendall picked up the charred chicken. "I cooked it at 400 when it should have been at 200? I don't know," Kendall replied petulantly.
Looking over her shoulder at the older woman, Bianca frowned as she watched her walk to the front door. "We're still snowed in, Kendall," she called out, not quite sure what she was up to. "You can't go and get us take out. I'll make you something."
"I'm not trying to get to the Caribou Club, Binks," Kendall drawled, pulling open the front door. "I'm just preparing a burial for our poor twice deceased friend." With that, Kendall hurled the burnt chicken out into the snowy abyss over the portion of the doorway not piled in snow and promptly shut the door with a slam, causing more snow to pile at the front entrance.
Chuckling at this, Bianca inspected the cupboards and seeing some of the key ingredients, she looked to Kendall and asked, "How would you feel about some homemade pizza? I could have one ready in about a half an hour."
"I want pepperoni," Kendall announced.
"Fine by me if we actually have some," said Bianca, pulling open the refrigerator. Going through the drawers, she raised an eyebrow and looked back at Kendall as she held a small package of pepperoni. "You're psychic."
"Psychotic maybe," said Kendall with a snort, taking the pepperoni. She settled herself on a stool at the kitchen counter, watching Bianca prepare the pizza and said, "I actually looked at the mind numbing dullness that is the Weather Channel while you were sleeping. They say no more snow but I have no idea when we'll get dug out of here."
"Did you call the resort?" asked Bianca, trying to keep her tone as gentle as possible, used to the fact after the past few months that if she said something in the wrong way it could lead to Kendall snapping at her.
"They said they're working their way up the mountain and they would call as soon as they knew more," said Kendall grumpily, stealing a slice of pepperoni and popping it into her mouth. "I did the Erica Kane name drop but it didn't do much good."
"Her name can melt snow now?" asked Bianca playfully, kneading the dough. "She gets more powerful every day."
"We have seen her breath fire on a few occasions," remarked Kendall, taking another slice of pepperoni.
"True," said Bianca, laughing and wearing a real smile for the first time since they arrived at the cabin.
Resting her chin in the palm of her hand, Kendall watched Bianca prepare the pizza with a strange sense of calm. When it came to cooking, cleaning, or anything remotely domestic she was completely hapless. There were moments, mostly when Spike asked for a homemade meal from her, that she regretted it but usually she was totally at ease with her lack of talent in this area. Watching Bianca though, it made her wish she was better at it, just because she liked this feeling. This odd relaxation that came from the meal being prepared and it brought back a feeling of warmth, a feeling of home, that Kendall always associated with Bianca. A feeling she had been trying to repress for months because it was dangerous, it made her want to trust, and if she trusted she was vulnerable and every time she allowed herself to be that way she only ended up hurt. Bianca was the best proof of that because Bianca was the one who Kendall trusted most and thanks to this, she was one who caused her the most pain.
Dinner was a silent affair until Kendall could no longer take the silence and she told Bianca that she had called Reese while she was sleeping to let her know they were snowed in. During the phone call she could hear the sound of the children playing in the background and the repeated shout of the word fool. Hearing this, Bianca sighed and remarked wryly, "That was Gabrielle. Her vocabulary expanded recently to include insults and her favorite of which is fool so, naturally, that's what we've all been called multiple times daily. Reese thinks it's hilarious so she encourages it and of course Miranda agrees."
"What has she called mother?" asked Kendall in a humorous drawl. Upon seeing the Bianca's bemused expression, Kendall clapped her hands and wiggled in her seat with glee. "Oh, this has got be good."
"You're enjoying this way too much," accused Bianca, grumbling but a smile forming just because she so happy to see Kendall smiling and laughing with her again. It was something she had missed more than words could say.
"Yeah, yeah," Kendall rolled her eyes. "Spill it already, what did Gabby call Mom?"
"It wasn't that bad, honestly, I mean, compared to fool and moron," said Bianca, defending her daughter's name calling. When Kendall just stared at her expectantly and raised an eyebrow, Bianca sighed heavily and said, "Twerp." Gradually the smile on Kendall's features grew larger until it was a full blown grin and then she burst into laughter which Bianca observed, her gaze fond and face indulgent as she looked at the other woman. When Kendall's laughter died down, she asked how Erica reacted to her new title and Bianca replied with deadpan humor, "She wanted to know if we'd been reading Gabby the tabloids."
"Ahhh," Kendall said knowingly. "They have been after her lately. What with the impending marriage to Adam."
"I doubt they called her a twerp though," said Bianca with a laugh. "Honestly, she took it very well. Though I'm sure it's only because one of her grandchildren was doing the name calling. Lord help us if it had been a random child on the street."
"Age hasn't mellowed her any," agreed Kendall, leaning back in her chair and stretching her arms over her head. "What does Gabby call Zach? He's around enough so I'm sure she's got a name for him, right?"
"Kendall," Bianca said her name softly and there was a contrition her gaze, that constant apology that hadn't left ever since she was told the truth behind Gabrielle's origins. It was a look that Kendall was tired of seeing.
At this point, Kendall was rather irritated by it even though in a way it was relieving to see, to have that constant evidence of Bianca's guilt because it was evidence of her feelings, that she did care for Kendall. That was reassuring as it was bitter since it meant to Kendall that Bianca didn't care enough, not as much as she thought, as she always wanted. "Look," Kendall began, sounding as exhausted as she felt, gazing at the younger woman. "We're going to be stuck in here together for who knows how long and I'd like it be a tolerable experience. So do me a favor and cut down on the guilt and the apologies okay, Binks? I get you're sorry for what went on and I forgive you. Just," trailing off, Kendall dropped her chair down and stood up, pausing to stand briefly at Bianca's side. She had an instinct, a desire to reach out, to touch those sad features and feel the pale skin she knew would be soft like silk but she kept her arms stiff at her sides. "Give me some more time."
Walking into the living room, she heard Bianca's heartfelt and sorrowful concession to her request, and that wall around Kendall's heart, the one that had been created by the belief the person she loved most didn't care for her in the same manner, it started to chip and fall away. Unfortunately, this wasn't something that either woman was aware of.
---
Once the dishes had been washed, the leftover pizza stored away, and she was sure the guilt was gone from her features, Bianca followed Kendall into the living room where she found her fiddling with the television. Fitting the weather outside, the screen was a blur of white and black, similar to a snow storm. Sitting on the couch, she watched Kendall futilely flip through the channels in a hope one of them would get a signal. Heaving an frustrated sigh, Kendall looked back at Bianca and groused, "I can't even get the Weather Channel. You don't think this means more snow, do you?"
"That or a bad cable connection," said Bianca. Nodding at the large wooden drawer that was part of the television stand, she suggested, "Open that. Maybe they have some dvds stocked for guests."
Wearing a skeptical expression, Kendall nevertheless did as Bianca requested and she was met with the sight of twenty or so movies. "Great," she groaned, inspecting the titles.
"What? Nothing there?" asked Bianca, scooting off the couch and kneeling next to Kendall.
"Nothing but a collection of movies that make us both cry," said Kendall in sardonic tones. Looking to Bianca, a clear warning on her sharp features, she declared, "I am not watching Steel Magnolias with you, Binks."
Forming a pout, Bianca looked through the rest of the movies and held up another title, wearing an entreating look on her face. "What about Fried Green Tomatoes? Or do you have something against Mary-Louise Parker?"
"Nothing except the fact she dies in all her movies," replied Kendall with a teasing drawl.
"Two movies she died in, just two," said Bianca huffily, holding up two fingers to further demonstrate her point. "Fried Green Tomatoes and Boys On The Side. Besides, she's busy selling marijuana on Showtime now."
"That's better than dying tragically I suppose," said Kendall who had a grin tugging at the corners of her lips as she observed Bianca's annoyance with her. "All right," Kendall acquiesced, taking the dvd from Bianca and removing it from the case. "I'll watch it with you if you promise not to cry and complain about them neutering the lesbian romance from the original novel version."
"Unfair," Bianca retorted but she nevertheless settled on the couch and watched as Kendall put the dvd into the player. "And since they're women I think saying their romance was spayed is more accurate."
"Huzzah for accuracy," said Kendall humorously. Sitting on the other side of the couch, she pointed a finger at Bianca in a fairly effective warning gesture. "Remember your promise. No crying. If you start crying then I'll start crying and I'm sick of that whole experience. I see even a hint of a tear and I'll eject this movie before Idgie becomes petite, blonde, and totally your type."
"I don't have a type," protested Bianca, looking slightly indignant.
"Oh please," Kendall rolled her eyes again. "You have such a type. Sarah, petite and blonde, Frankie, petite and blonde, Maggie, twin sister of second petite and blonde, Reese, not so petite but definitely blonde."
"You left out Lena," Bianca was quick to point out. "She was neither petite nor blonde. Thus proving I don't have a type."
"Lena was an aberration," said Kendall, waving her hand dismissively. "You were still a teenager and she was a hot Polish fox with a sexy accent and a high level of comfort with her own sexuality. Of course you'd go outside your type for that."
"I was nineteen!" exclaimed Bianca, a bit offended.
"Like I said, a teenager," said Kendall with a snort. "But face it, Binks, you definitely like blondes."
Her face scrunching up and a look of consideration on her features, Bianca released a puff of air then said, "If I have a type then I'm not consciously aware of it. I think it has more to do with personality than looks with me. At least, I hope it does."
"Physical attraction is all instinct and hormones, it's not something you can reason with," Kendall mused, turning away from Bianca to focus on the movie where they had finally gotten past all the advertising previews onto the main screen. Pushing play, she said, "I wish I could just pick who I fell in love with. It would solve a lot of problems."
"Who would you pick?" asked Bianca and when Kendall looked her way, her cheeks heated in a blush. The words slipped past her lips before she could help it but she didn't take the question back because she was genuinely curious about the answer.
"I don't know," said Kendall in contemplative tones. "I mean, all the men I've been with, they seem great at first but something always goes wrong. Except maybe with Aidan. He's always been there for me when I needed him, even if that caused a huge problem in my relationship with Ryan and my marriage to Zach. Not that it matters, Aidan is with Annie now and I'd rather not have her go crazy again by means of me trying to take away the man who helped get her marbles back, you know? Plus they seem happy together which is definitely a rare commodity back home." Tilting her head, Kendall's gaze was lidded as she studied the lines of Bianca's features, pretty and pale and filled with such emotion, such concern for her, and she couldn't help herself, she didn't know why she said it, but she found herself speaking exactly what she thought in that moment. "I've always wanted to be with someone like you. Somebody good and honest, who wouldn't keep secrets, who would put me first. That's what I would pick." Giving a barking laugh, sardonic and bitter, Kendall muttered, "Pathetic, isn't it?"
"No," said Bianca quietly, scooting across the couch to sit next to Kendall. Slowly she reached out, touching her cheek, turning Kendall's head and cupping her face in her hands. Her fingers moved across Kendall's skin in a tender caress and Bianca looked at her with dark eyes that were filled with so much understanding and love that Kendall felt her throat clench at the sight. "Not at all. Kendall," she breathed her name more than said it, moving closer, pulling her into an embrace. Whispering in her ear, voice earnest and sincere, "I know you told me to stop apologizing but I'm sorry for what I did. For keeping Gabrielle a secret and it's not pathetic, wanting someone like that in your life." Pulling away, Bianca held her hand flat against Kendall's cheek, looking at her with eyes shining with unshed tears, there was a hint of wry humor as she said, "I've always wanted the same thing."
"What? To be with yourself?" asked Kendall sardonically, trying to push away her emotions, denying the impact that Bianca's admission truly had to her, afraid of letting Bianca get that close to her again.
"No," Bianca said again, shaking her head, a small smile curling on her lips, one that was filled with affection. "You were the standard bearer, Kendall. Believe it or not but when I met Reese I compared her to you."
"In fashion sense?" asked Kendall, lifting an eyebrow humorously, trying to turn away from Bianca. "I win hands down."
"That's not what I meant and you know it," said Bianca in a gentle recrimination. "After Maggie, I was afraid to trust again. We were so close, best friends, and she cheated on me. I couldn't understand it and when I met Reese, I was scared to let her in but I thought about you, the things I loved about you the most. How you would do anything for your family, the people you love, how you sacrifice and put yourself at risk, all while making sarcastic remarks and pretending you aren't. I looked for things like that in Reese and while she might not have your witty repartee she does have the same devotion to family and that's how I knew I could trust her."
"Is that how you forgave her?" questioned Kendall, it was something she had wondered for a long time. Bianca's forgiveness of Reese, what brought it about, she was certain that after the accident, Reese's blindness, Bianca would come rushing back into town but she didn't and because of the distance in their relationship, she never did find out the details behind the reconciliation.
"Partially," revealed Bianca, her hand falling from Kendall's cheek and into her own lap. Her eyes drifted to the television screen where Idgie was teaching Ruth how to jump onto a train. "Once I left Pine Valley and had some distance from Reese, I stopped being so angry and when that happened I could look at the situation, at Reese, with a better perspective. It still hurt, what she did but when I thought about where she came from, her parents, and how she grew up then I thought about our time together, how she treated me, the girls, and I knew she loved me, that she wanted a life with me. I just wasn't sure if she was ready for that kind of commitment, no matter what she said, because she had been confused and closeted for so long, letting other people tell her who she was, what she thought, but when I came back and I looked into her eyes, I knew it was right. I knew we had to try again, not only for us but for our girls, because I finally saw the same strength that you have in her eyes and I realized she'd never give up on us, she'd never stop loving me, and I just couldn't walk away from that."
"I used to feel that way about Zach," Kendall confessed, her voice far off and drifting, she didn't know why she was telling Bianca this. Maybe to reciprocate, the social contract of give and take in a conversation, along with a deep seeded need to be close to Bianca again but she was talking and now she couldn't seem to stop, her feelings spilling out like water released from a dam. "I thought I would always come first with him. Me and the boys, we were his world, that's what I thought. I was wrong though, he pushed me away, time and time again, he created a distance and Reese," Kendall looked to Bianca, a smile tugging at her lips. "Even when she was blind it was always you, Binks. Always talking about you and the girls and how she would do whatever it took to get you back. I didn't get that from Zach though and I don't know why that hurt so much. It's the norm, after all." Kendall gave a short burst of laughter, caustic and bitter. "Everyone I love lets me down or leaves."
"It doesn't have to be that way," Bianca insisted, taking Kendall's hands, squeezing them softly. "You'll find someone who stays, Kendall. I know you will."
"The eternal optimist," drawled Kendall, tilting her head to one side. She wanted to touch Bianca, feel her skin, her fingertips itched she wanted it so much but she couldn't let herself, she couldn't give into these emotions, let herself get too close, become attached like she once was. That's why she pulled her hands away, folding her arms across her chest and nodding at the television where Idgie was in the process of helping Ruth leave her abusive husband. "Enough of depressing reality, huh? Why not concentrate on depressing fiction for awhile? The kind starring petite blondes you have a thing for."
"I told you, I don't have a type," said Bianca with a slight scowl, poking Kendall in the side. "I appreciate all kinds of women."
"Right," Kendall said with a humorous snort. "Just like I appreciate all kinds of men but only go for tall, dark, and brooding."
Instead of replying, Bianca shook her head and focused on the movie, unaware of Kendall's gaze moving over the lines of her face, taking in Bianca's happiness as if hoping somehow to make it her own, a look of silent affection forming as she did.
---
Through an unspoken consensus it was decided after Kendall's disaster involving the chicken that Bianca would be in charge of any meal preparation that involved a heating implement. Which is what Bianca was busy doing while Kendall was arguing on the phone with the manager of the resort, demanding to know when exactly the road leading to their cabin would be cleared.
By the way that Kendall gave a noise of utmost frustration as she came into the kitchen, Bianca assumed the talk didn't go that well. Concentrating on cooking the ground beef for the taco salad she was making for lunch, she held back the urge to ask what the manager had said, deciding to wait for Kendall to eventually vent her emotions.
"Board games," Kendall snapped, sitting on a stool in the kitchen and grabbing one of the baby carrots on the counter. Bianca looked away from the ground beef to lift an eyebrow inquisitively. Biting into the carrot with a crunch, Kendall continued, "He told me we would be stuck here for awhile and when I asked him what he expected us to do he said to play board games."
"They don't have any idea when the road will be cleared?" asked Bianca.
"Not with the weather," said Kendall, rolling her eyes and taking another carrot. "Apparently it might snow again tonight and if it's anywhere near the amount we got last time they'll have to plow the part of the road they just got cleared. He did say that they are halfway up the mountain and if the snowfall is light they should reach us in three days but he couldn't guarantee anything."
Focusing back on the ground beef as it finished cooking, Bianca turned off the burner and removed the taco shells from the oven, placing them on plates. Kendall observed as the younger woman filled the shells with lettuce, cheese, pausing to shred the baby carrots, and she swore there was a tiny gleam of amusement in Bianca's eyes and she couldn't help but ask, "What's so funny?"
"Nothing," Bianca denied swiftly, adding the ground beef to the shells, trying to keep the smile from her lips and failing.
"Yeah right," Kendall snorted, leaning across the counter and poking Bianca in the breast. "Tell me."
"Did you just poke me in the boob?" asked Bianca incredulously, releasing a sputtering laugh.
"Yes, I did, now tell me what's so funny," said Kendall in casual but altogether smug tones.
"I can't believe you poked me in the boob," Bianca muttered, giving a sudden burst of laughter as Kendall leaned forward again and made like she was going to repeat the gesture. Slapping at her hand, Bianca cried out, "Quit that!"
"I'll keep poking you until you tell me what was so funny and I'm not discriminating about body parts," threatened Kendall, a playful light in her eyes that made Bianca laugh and feel so very glad to see it.
"It really is nothing," Bianca insisted, yelping and jumping away as Kendall got off the stool and extended her prime poking finger. Folding her arms over her breasts, she said rather ruefully, "I just think you're cute when you get grumpy and complain about things you can't change. It reminds me of Miranda when she has a cold, she's the exact same way."
"Cute?" echoed Kendall and her nose scrunched up in distaste. "Kendall Hart is not cute."
"Yes, she is," said Bianca warmly, finishing off one of the taco salads and pushing it towards Kendall who was settling in back on the stool in front of the counter. "She's wonderfully cute, just like her niece, whom I'm sure learned it from her favorite aunt."
"Wonderfully cute," Kendall echoed again. Taking her fork, she smashed the shell into small pieces with a focused intent. "That's something I never thought I would hear about myself."
"Well, you are," said Bianca somewhat forcefully, though she wore a warm smile. She sat next to Kendall, breaking up the shell far more carefully as she took the first bite. "I mean it," she said in a soft murmur. "There are times when Miranda reminds me so much of you. Mostly when she gets obsessive about her clothing and hairstyle," Bianca said in teasing tones and Kendall laughed, smiling at her fondly and Bianca took in that smile, incredibly happy to receive it, wanting to memorize this moment when they were getting along and there was an ease to their interaction. "When we were teaching her how to ride a bike she refused to let us put on the training wheels. She said it would make her look like a baby and even though she kept falling over again and again, she never gave up until eventually she could ride the bike on her own. That's just like you, refusing to give up. Focused on your goal and determined to get there. I'm glad," Bianca said, her voice quiet and sincere. "I'm glad Miranda is like you. It makes me happy, seeing things in her that come from you, it always has."
"She's too nice to be completely like me," said Kendall dryly. Pointing her fork at Bianca, a grin tugged at her lips and she drawled, "I think I'll end up having more in common with Gabby if she keeps going around insulting people with no consequence."
Shaking her head and laughing at this, Bianca returned to eating her salad, a mischievous idea emerging as she thought about what the resort manager said and she turned to Kendall who still wore a smile on her face. "I did see an old version of Monopoly out there." On hearing this, Kendall looked at Bianca with an utterly droll expression and Bianca laughed again. "Come on," Bianca cajoled. "It could be fun. You could end up owning all of Boardwalk and maybe even Park Place."
"I want to be the top hat," Kendall said firmly.
"Fine by me, I like the Scottie dog," replied Bianca, laughing and smiling as they returned to eating their lunch.
---
"How did you wind up with everything?" Kendall grumbled, staring at the board that was littered with little red houses claimed by Bianca. She was sure that between the two of them she was the ruthless executive type and the game would be hers but it turned out to be surprisingly the opposite. "I've got six properties and you have thirteen. When did that happen?"
"You own Boardwalk," pointed out Bianca helpfully. "Along with Reading Railroad."
"And you've got the Electric Company!" exclaimed Kendall, waving at the board. Resting her chin in the palm of her hand, she wondered if there was anything she could do to win the game. As much as she hated to admit it, she didn't think there was a way for her to get the edge over Bianca. It was best to cut her losses. Sighing as she contemplated her lack of options, she remarked, "Bianca wins again."
"I don't always win," said Bianca in a quiet protest, helping Kendall clear the board. When Kendall didn't respond and continued clearing away the pieces, her jaw tight, and a dark look in her eyes, she questioned softly, "Kendall?" Jerking her head upwards, Kendall looked at Bianca with wide eyes and the younger woman studied her with a look of concern. "Hey," she said in a hush, her voice soothing as she moved over to the other woman, looking at her worriedly. "You don't believe that, do you?"
"No," Kendall said this with such bravado that Bianca frowned, not really believing the enthusiasm behind it. "Not anymore. Maybe when I was younger." Trailing off, she frowned on seeing the hurt look on Bianca's features. Seeing it pierced her heart in a way she no longer thought was possible and Kendall found herself continuing, "When I first came to Pine Valley, you were just a kid. It really was stupid, how jealous I was of you but it was like you had everything I didn't growing up. Erica and Travis were divorced but it was obvious how much they loved you, how much they wanted you, and I never felt like that."
"I know," said Bianca, gazing at Kendall with wide and understanding eyes. Holding Kendall's hands and squeezing them tenderly, she murmured, "That's why made a promise, remember? That Miranda would never feel the same way, that she would always know she was wanted and loved, right from the very start, and it's a promise that we've kept. You and I together."
"Along with Mom, Jack, Reese, the rest of Pine Valley," said Kendall wryly, thinking of the large number of people who adored her niece, who kept her close to their heart, especially after the horrible circumstances surrounding her birth.
"Miranda does have a lot of people in her corner," admitted Bianca fondly. Cupping Kendall's cheek, her fingers stroked the soft skin and her gaze was dark and affectionate as she said, "But none of them matter as much as you."
She wanted to believe this, she wanted it so badly, because before she had her boys Bianca and Miranda were the people that meant the most to Kendall and there wasn't anything she wouldn't do for them. As hurt as she was by Bianca, that's still how she felt, she couldn't just turn those emotions off, as much as she wanted to for her own protection. Ducking her head, not wanting to show the tears she knew were forming in her eyes, Kendall asked, her voice a rough murmur, "Do you mean that?"
"Of course," said Bianca, lifting Kendall's head, wiping the tears away with her thumbs. "I know as much as I want to keep what Michael did to me from Miranda she's going to have questions and when that time comes, I always thought that I would ask you for help because you would know exactly what she's going through. You would make sure she knew how much I loved her, wanted her, from the start. That she was the one thing, besides you, that helped me survive what he did to me."
"I will," Kendall replied with a serious look on her features. "I'll tell her all of that and I won't let her start hating herself, like I did. Blaming herself for what happened to you. I know that's why I was so horrible to you when I first came to Pine Valley, because I hated myself and I was jealous of you, of how mother looked at you, treated you. She thinks you're perfect, you know?"
"I don't know if she really thinks that but that's what I grew up believing," admitted Bianca, turning away from Kendall to look out the windows at the snow covered landscape. "I was convinced I had to be the person Mom thought I was and that I had to live up to this image she created of me in her mind. That's why I was anorexic. It started with the tabloids, talking about my weight and how I wasn't pretty enough to be the daughter of Erica Kane and I listened and I believed every horrible thing they said about me and I had to be skinnier, I had to be prettier, and I made myself sick over it. All because I was convinced I had to make myself into something I wasn’t so Mom would love me. Kendall," Bianca said with yearning. "I understand. I really do."
"My boys won't ever feel that way," said Kendall strongly. "I won't let them."
"Neither will my girls," said Bianca in a soft promise. "They'll both grow up knowing I love them exactly as they are, that nothing they do could ever change that, and that they're always wanted. That they were never a disappointment, never a burden."
Thinking back to her initial reaction, her months of anger and bitterness, things she couldn't let go until Ian needed his bone marrow transplant, until Gabrielle saved her son's life, Kendall said in quiet self-disgust, "I would have made Gabby feel that way though. If I had kept going on the way I was. I would've made her feel exactly the way I did growing up because of my resentment and anger at you and Zach. Something that had nothing to do with her. She was always an innocent in all this mess."
"Kendall," Bianca said her name as if it were a prayer, holding her face in her hands, touching her gently. "It's okay."
"No," said Kendall and the words, they were caught in her throat. She shook her head fiercely, moving from Bianca's touch, standing up and looking down at the younger woman with tormented and teary eyes. "It's not okay, Bianca. I almost made that little girl live through the same hell that I did because I couldn't let go of the fact that you…" Kendall broke off, not wanting to say it, not wanting to admit the real reason she continued to be so hurt, so upset, by Bianca's actions, by her secrets. Shaking her head again, Kendall muttered, "It's not okay, it will never be okay that I almost did that to her."
Solitary and lonely, that was how Bianca felt, sitting by herself in the living room, staring at the empty Monopoly board, the pieces cleared away and Bianca wondered how it came to this. How this became their life together and she wanted that bond back, that intimacy she used to share with Kendall. Her life wouldn't feel right without it, something would always be missing, something would always be off.
Onto Part Two
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Love that Kinks finally gets some alone time to discuss this whole mess from start to finish and the repercussions Binks secrets have caused. The avalanche seems a bit convenient, I wouldn't put it pass Erica if she somehow arranged it.
Zach/Kendall divorced? this one hit me hard cause I love Kendall with Zach (old Zach not this lesbian stalker guy).
I knew from the minute you posted this idea that it would be a good read and I have to say that not using the word sister made it a little easier to root for the characters to get together.
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I love that Erica set them up to finally get over everything and put it behind them. I love that she's not the only one who sees it either, and I love how the mere mention of Miranda and the confession that she gets it really cracks Kendall open.
"You're a disaster magnet with a history of childhood pyromania, remember?"
I loved this throwback, heh. I love when people actually know the sure and write it, it's so much funnier when things like this are thrown in there.
"I would have burst your bubble," said Kendall in a sardonic observation.
Damn right! Kendall so would've burst her bubble, and I would've cheered her on while doing it.
"Her name can melt snow now?" asked Bianca playfully, kneading the dough. "She gets more powerful every day."
Hehe, this really made me laugh out loud. First a bear, now snow! What can't Erica Kane do?
Loved the Mary-Louise Parker name drop, heh. I miss Weeds!
The entire conversation talking about their types and just talking to one another like that again was wonderful to read. Even if the tension is still there under the surface. Then, Monopoly!
This was a great start, and I loved how the dynamic went from hot to cold between the two of them very quickly. One little thing setting Kendall off, her retreating and even recognizing it, too. Off to the second part now...