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Spinning My Fucking Wheels
I'm 28 now. My birthday was March 25 and since it was a Saturday I had a nice party that my gf planned with my friends help. It was at the club I sometimes bartend at, Attitudes, and we had the sort of side and elevated section of the dance floor roped off like the club sometimes does for private parties. It was fun but the big moment of the party was when I told my friends that I had applied for a job with FEMA in Baton Rouge and if I was lucky enough to get the job I would be moving and attending LSU for my English degree.
I expected people to freak out and yell at me but they didn't and that was all about Michi. Earlier this week I just had this horrible moment of realization that my life is fucking stuck. It's like my life is a goddamn car and it's stuck in the mud and it can't get free and all my time is spent spinning the wheels. There's no progression and there's no regression. It's just the fucking wheels spinning and no goddamn motion and I've been feeling restless and pissy and just not very pleased with my life in general. I also had this sense that I was depending too much on my roommates and my gf and I was becoming less of the independent person that I had always considered myself to be.
Okay, so... I moved out at sixteen, right? My mom freaked out when I told her I was a lesbian and it was ungood so I moved out and I've been out of my parents house since then but I've always lived with someone. Whether it be a roommate or a gf or whatever, I was never ever on my own. When I talked with Michi about how I had been feeling like I wasn't going anywhere with my life and I basically had this sense of being a goddamn loser she was just really quiet and thoughtful and most of all she didn't freak out. All of the other gfs I had, and probably justifiably so, would've freaked out and smacked me if I told them I applied for this job out of state without telling them and then told them the reason why is that I've been feeling like my life isn't going anywhere and I want to change that.
Michi didn't react like that. She asked me, believe it or not, if she could make an observation and I told her of course she fucking could. I mean, she's my gf and I fucking love her. That's not in debate. The way my life is seemingly going nowhere and on a track to fucking oblivion loserville is. She said that maybe the reason I've been feeling sort of losery and like I rely way too much on other people is that I've grown comfortable in my living situation and then she pointed out that I never have lived on my own.
NEVER.
Her suggestion was that if I don't get this FEMA job that I stay in St. Louis, try to get one of those administrative positions I'm always applying for, go to UMSL, and most importantly get my own apartment up by Tower Grove Park which is a cheap but trendy gay area of our city. And honestly? If I don't get that job that's exactly what I am going to do. But if I DO miraculously get this job that I want so badly I will move down to Baton Rouge and Michi will be going with me. It was funny how she brought that up. She was like, "I'm guessing this isn't about me, right?" I freaked out assuring her it wasn't and she was like, "I can do graduate school at LSU if you don't mind." Mind? Mind?! Seriously, my gf? So fucking cool.
SO.FUCKING.COOL
The way I've worked out the plan is I'm going to squirrel away more of my money and most likely find an apartment by the end of June or start of July. I'm holding off on starting at UMSL until the Fall which is a smart decision, I think, mostly because summer hardly offers any courses as it is. Hopefully by the time I start up at UMSL in the Fall I'll have one of those administrative positions that I've been applying for. I've already started to scope out apartments around Tower Grove and I found one that's a 2 bedroom and 1 bathroom for only 425 a month. Ahhh, I love St. Louis.
What sucks about this though? I talked to Pip and Stacey and they do need a roommate to keep up their mortgage payments on the house but what is good is they already found someone from our L Word party, Melissa, who's a mutual friend that needs a place to stay. But what sucks is she needs a place right away since she's got this horrific living situation going on with her current apartment. So guess what that means? I either live with Michi or I go back home to the parents house. I think I'm going to do a short stint living between them. Most certainly I'm going to have to dump all my crap at my parents house because I can't leave it at Pip and Stacey's and Michi's apartment is way too tiny to house the legions of junk I've accumulated.
Strange that I might be staying on and off with my parents and I don't feel like a loser. Well, I sort of feel like a loser but at least I have a fucking plan established about my life. I've also got this nifty ass gig going on that my friend Rob hooked me up with. It's a shot on this series the local non-commercial radio station KDHX which focuses on a specific musician each week that has made an impact on American music. Rob wants me to write up a proposal and try to get on the program doing one of my favorite artists since I'm such a fucking music nerd. I totally want to do this because I think it will help me with the whole insane dream of doing entertainment reviews and such. Plus, you know, music nerd and being able to babble about an artist I love for an hour and get a chance to play their music.
http://www.kdhx.org/programs/greatamericanmusic.htm
I'm not sure who I want to do though. I have so many artists that I have complete collections on and honestly love. I'm thinking Tori Amos just because of how much I worshipped her as a teenager and how much I still worship her today. Hell, I've even got the insane Y Kant Tori Read album. lol. But I was also thinking it would be fun to do Dolly Parton since I worship Ms. Dolly and she doesn't get nearly enough respect as she should as an artist. There's just a lot of people I could focus on. Pat suggested Madonna would be good but I sort of feel like that's not really someone new to the audience. I sort of want to pick someone I could maybe expand on what people have heard from them and bring up some new side they never realized the artist had due to lack of exposure to their whole library. I think Madonna is so huge that most people are aware of all the changes she's gone through with her music. But who knows. I just have to mull over this a little bit more I guess. In the meantime here's a song from the newest cd I've been playing on repeat, Saint Etienne's Tales From Turnpike House. It's such a glorious pop cd and this song is just groovy and mesmerizing and sexy. I loves it!
Lightning Strikes Twice by Saint Etienne:
http://s46.yousendit.com/d.aspx?id=0GDJMQ4CZYDG1P0CCJKR6YT2E
I expected people to freak out and yell at me but they didn't and that was all about Michi. Earlier this week I just had this horrible moment of realization that my life is fucking stuck. It's like my life is a goddamn car and it's stuck in the mud and it can't get free and all my time is spent spinning the wheels. There's no progression and there's no regression. It's just the fucking wheels spinning and no goddamn motion and I've been feeling restless and pissy and just not very pleased with my life in general. I also had this sense that I was depending too much on my roommates and my gf and I was becoming less of the independent person that I had always considered myself to be.
Okay, so... I moved out at sixteen, right? My mom freaked out when I told her I was a lesbian and it was ungood so I moved out and I've been out of my parents house since then but I've always lived with someone. Whether it be a roommate or a gf or whatever, I was never ever on my own. When I talked with Michi about how I had been feeling like I wasn't going anywhere with my life and I basically had this sense of being a goddamn loser she was just really quiet and thoughtful and most of all she didn't freak out. All of the other gfs I had, and probably justifiably so, would've freaked out and smacked me if I told them I applied for this job out of state without telling them and then told them the reason why is that I've been feeling like my life isn't going anywhere and I want to change that.
Michi didn't react like that. She asked me, believe it or not, if she could make an observation and I told her of course she fucking could. I mean, she's my gf and I fucking love her. That's not in debate. The way my life is seemingly going nowhere and on a track to fucking oblivion loserville is. She said that maybe the reason I've been feeling sort of losery and like I rely way too much on other people is that I've grown comfortable in my living situation and then she pointed out that I never have lived on my own.
NEVER.
Her suggestion was that if I don't get this FEMA job that I stay in St. Louis, try to get one of those administrative positions I'm always applying for, go to UMSL, and most importantly get my own apartment up by Tower Grove Park which is a cheap but trendy gay area of our city. And honestly? If I don't get that job that's exactly what I am going to do. But if I DO miraculously get this job that I want so badly I will move down to Baton Rouge and Michi will be going with me. It was funny how she brought that up. She was like, "I'm guessing this isn't about me, right?" I freaked out assuring her it wasn't and she was like, "I can do graduate school at LSU if you don't mind." Mind? Mind?! Seriously, my gf? So fucking cool.
SO.FUCKING.COOL
The way I've worked out the plan is I'm going to squirrel away more of my money and most likely find an apartment by the end of June or start of July. I'm holding off on starting at UMSL until the Fall which is a smart decision, I think, mostly because summer hardly offers any courses as it is. Hopefully by the time I start up at UMSL in the Fall I'll have one of those administrative positions that I've been applying for. I've already started to scope out apartments around Tower Grove and I found one that's a 2 bedroom and 1 bathroom for only 425 a month. Ahhh, I love St. Louis.
What sucks about this though? I talked to Pip and Stacey and they do need a roommate to keep up their mortgage payments on the house but what is good is they already found someone from our L Word party, Melissa, who's a mutual friend that needs a place to stay. But what sucks is she needs a place right away since she's got this horrific living situation going on with her current apartment. So guess what that means? I either live with Michi or I go back home to the parents house. I think I'm going to do a short stint living between them. Most certainly I'm going to have to dump all my crap at my parents house because I can't leave it at Pip and Stacey's and Michi's apartment is way too tiny to house the legions of junk I've accumulated.
Strange that I might be staying on and off with my parents and I don't feel like a loser. Well, I sort of feel like a loser but at least I have a fucking plan established about my life. I've also got this nifty ass gig going on that my friend Rob hooked me up with. It's a shot on this series the local non-commercial radio station KDHX which focuses on a specific musician each week that has made an impact on American music. Rob wants me to write up a proposal and try to get on the program doing one of my favorite artists since I'm such a fucking music nerd. I totally want to do this because I think it will help me with the whole insane dream of doing entertainment reviews and such. Plus, you know, music nerd and being able to babble about an artist I love for an hour and get a chance to play their music.
http://www.kdhx.org/programs/greatamericanmusic.htm
I'm not sure who I want to do though. I have so many artists that I have complete collections on and honestly love. I'm thinking Tori Amos just because of how much I worshipped her as a teenager and how much I still worship her today. Hell, I've even got the insane Y Kant Tori Read album. lol. But I was also thinking it would be fun to do Dolly Parton since I worship Ms. Dolly and she doesn't get nearly enough respect as she should as an artist. There's just a lot of people I could focus on. Pat suggested Madonna would be good but I sort of feel like that's not really someone new to the audience. I sort of want to pick someone I could maybe expand on what people have heard from them and bring up some new side they never realized the artist had due to lack of exposure to their whole library. I think Madonna is so huge that most people are aware of all the changes she's gone through with her music. But who knows. I just have to mull over this a little bit more I guess. In the meantime here's a song from the newest cd I've been playing on repeat, Saint Etienne's Tales From Turnpike House. It's such a glorious pop cd and this song is just groovy and mesmerizing and sexy. I loves it!
Lightning Strikes Twice by Saint Etienne:
http://s46.yousendit.com/d.aspx?id=0GDJMQ4CZYDG1P0CCJKR6YT2E
Quarter Life Crisis Ahoi!
I can totally relate to how you are feeling, since I pretty much feel the same. I don't like where I am in my life right now, but I don't know where to go. I get this "being stuck" combined with "closing doors" feeling every couple of years, and my usual reaction was to run. Far away, I did not only leave the state or country, I usually left the continent.
I am planing on getting my own place as well, but first I will have to move back to my parents for a couple of weeks until I know where I am going to get a job. And I sort of feel like a loser, because I just turned 28 and I am living with my parents again. But plans are good, I usually end up doing the exact opposite though.
And your girlfriend rules. Gosh, I wish I would have someone who helps me sorting through my stuff. Oh, wait, I have a shrink, but I pay for advice *g*
Seriously, she seems to be pretty awesome.
Re: Quarter Life Crisis Ahoi!
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Happy Birthday!
And Saint Etienne! Do you like Goldfrapp? I think you would. Allison is a Goddess.
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Do you like Curve? I think their most famous moment was when "Chinese Burn" was played on BtVS when Faith and Buffy were dancing. And that is probably my least favourite song of theirs. If you think Mylène is music for sex, then you should listen to this:
Curve - "Unreadable Communication"
http://s52.yousendit.com/d.aspx?id=3MK7PS6NG3F4M0OD0PIHEN1LU3
It's from their album Cuckoo from 1993, but all of their stuff is amazing. Their songs are very diverse but each one somehow manages to be perfect. Curve easily make my top three list of best bands ever and I cried when they broke up last year.
www.curve.co.uk
Let me know if you are interested in hearing more. I have been waiting for a reason to rip all of their CDs!
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I hope everything works out for you. Being stuck in a rut is such a downer but hopefully it'll all work out for the best soon.
Like
So far it's working for me and hopefully it'll all work out for you too. And with that awesome g/f by your side, things are gonna be even better!
Saint Ettiene are awesome! Do you have their earlier stuff as well? 'Good Humour' still ranks as one of my fave ~smile and be happy~ albums with regular appearances on my ipod playlist. You've gotta love 'em!
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Yes, my gf rules. I think my friends like her more than me. lol. But it's all good.
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"Carlsberg don't do girlfriends. But if they did, they'd probably be the best girlfriends in the world....."
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So yeah, you're gf is probably the best gf in the world.
I suspect that made no sense. But hey, i tried damnit!
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Life's what you make it by Talk-Talk
http://s53.yousendit.com/d.aspx?id=1HCXOINY3EE0K2JLXKOGV50URC
Happy Birthday