Fat Girl Rambles

[dreiser]

I hate to sound like the dyke Jeff Foxworthy but you know you're a fat girl when you're sitting on the toilet in the process of taking a huge poop and you find yourself seriously thinking, "It's very possible I could die of a heart attack sitting here. Man that would suck."

I've already spoken in here about my fatness and blah blabbity blah. I don't really want sympathy about it because that's fucking retarded as I'm the one eating marshmallow flavored popcorn. I honestly just feel like talking about it right now because that's what I fucking do in life. I talk. There's very little I'm good at besides talking. Mostly because for some reason that tiny part of the brain that censors you and keeps you from discussing embarrassing, fucked up, or plain stupid moments/emotions/ideas is broken for me. I have no gag reflex with talking and I have no idea why. It's goddamn weird.

Sometimes I get tired sitting. Isn't that fucked up? What else? Hmmm. I just realized the more I talk about in here the more I risk the chance of that random chick emailing me again. During that std inducing MeMe thing Pern was responsible for where I had to list six things most people wouldn't know about me I revealed I have zero sex drive and some chick emailed me saying that's because of these weight issues and how if I have no sex drive when I DO have sex my orgasms aren't at full orgasmic capacity or some shit. I think she was a female viagra dealer though. Why else would she fucking email a complete stranger about this shit?


I wear boy cut panties because they're comfy and for some obtuse reason make my ass look smaller but because of the side rolls of fat they slightly curl up at the top. lol. Dude, part of me can't believe I'm talking about this. Michi will be so mad.

She hates when I talk about this stuff, it upsets her and she goes into her speech about how I'm losing weight slowly but surely thanks to my meager skating once a week work out schedule. I would skate more but I'm always tired and I'm sure it's due to the fatness but because of the tiredness I don't skate which would help me lose the fatness and not be as tired. It's a vicious evil cycle of pain. I'm going to make myself skate three times a week though because I'm getting sick of this. My Mom, thanks to the strange middle age woman fitness cult of Curves, is skinnier than me. That's fucked up wrong in my world. Way fucked up wrong.

For the hell of it I made an avatar of myself that said, "Nic is 220 lbs." Just to emphasize that despite hating my weight I don't really have much qualms about revealing it. The thing is, I'm not sure that's accurate. Right about now I'm thinking I have to be bigger. 300 lbs seems like too much but lately I think it might be closer to the real thing than 220 definitely. I could weigh myself but scales and mirrors are to me what holy water and crosses are to vampires. I fucking hiss and recoil in hiding at the idea of that shit.

Know what's weird though? I don't have much modesty in a lot of ways. I already told Pat this story in his LJ but I've got this odd habit of feeling really super uncomfortable in my work clothes out of nowhere and just really needing to get them off me to the point it drives me crazy. It's happened several times throughout the years and each time I go out and buy a new pair of cheap jeans and a t-shirt then proceed to find an empty parking lot, try to park behind some sort of view obstructing structure, and change my clothes in public. I know! I could find a bathroom but for some reason this seems easier.

I also wander around clad in just jeans and a bra when I'm in the process of picking a new t-shirt to wear. I tend to change my t-shirts usually twice a day while I change my socks at least five times a day. But I'll get distracted during t-shirt changing process and I just wander around with the bra on past the glass door in my basement dwelling room where my neighbors can see or the curtain free windows at Michi's apartment which are in full view of the Washington University campus. Something she HATES btw. I dunno why. Who would want to peep? lol. But as much as I think my body is crap I don't much care if people see it. Although I refuse to ever show it off.

Slinky clothing is so not my gig. I can't pull that off. The most I do is wear tight shirts as to emphasize big boobs, the one prize in being larger. But I have noticed my boobs get bigger the more I lose weight. It's very odd. Okay. I think I'm done now. I have no idea why I felt like typing all of this but I just did. Maybe it was the pooping that did it. Or the fact I'm on my seventh bottle of Mike's Hard Lemonade.

I ponder.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

The random girl e-mailed you because she wants to give you a full orgasmic experience for all the fanfics you've written. Hah! I can see right through her...and your shirt too.

But to quote Queen:

"Fat Bottomed Girls you make the rockin' world go round!"

[narcolepsy-slds.livejournal.com]

hey, rambling and sharing intimate or embarrassing details of yourself - that is what LJ is for :) it is a combination of a diary and a shrink.

anyway, I am with you on the "my mom is skinnier than me" front, but then my mom does not eat. I have lived 28 years and cannot remember my mom sharing a full meal with us, she usually has a tiny little portion (what I eat while passing by) on her plate to keep up appearances, but does not even finish it.
And it is simply not okay that our moms are skinnier than we are. no matter why.
I also hate mirrors and scales, I haven't been on a scale for a couple of years and when I look in a mirror I don't really look. I check if I can leave the house, but it is more a superficial glance.

And now I have shared too many intimate details about myself as well ...

[vertige.livejournal.com]

My new routine of non-exercise, feeling sorry for myself and eating lots of chocolate and French cheese has made me gain a couple of kgs. And for some reason half of these kilos seem to have gone straight to my boobs. Although I hate the fact that I am out of shape to the point where I am even considering going to a gym (I hate gyms about as much as I hate nuclear weapons), I am really liking my new boobs. I wonder what I should do to keep them when I can start to play soccer again?

Anyway, caring about your weight for other reasons than for your health should be banned. Not that this would work in a world where seven year olds go on diets in order to look like Kate Moss. My boyfriend and I don't own a scale for the reason that having one wouldn't be good for me. My parents have one though and I always check my weight when I visit them. Like last week, when I got all upset after discovering that I had hit 60kgs for the first time in my life. It made me all depressed and I have since stopped my wonderful chocolate indulgence and I have even started to cut down my portions at lunch and dinner. So much for loving my new and improved breasts, huh? I am an idiot.

No one in the world thinks that I am overweight, except for me, and even I know that I am just being stupid. But me knowing this doesn't seem to help. I always feel that if I'm not exercising, I shouldn't be eating either. As long as I can play soccer and do things like walk or bicycle to work, I don't have a problem with food. Only as soon as I can't work out properly, I feel out of shape and disgusting. I even get this sick feeling of self-satisfaction when I am walking around hungry. And I know that I shouldn't feel this way because it's unhealthy, not to mention retarded and pathetic.

I really have no idea why I am rambling about this in your journal, I am just fed up with myself and it has been on my mind lately. Sorry... and ugh! I guess that what I am trying to say is that trying to be healthy is great, but that your weight itself shouldn't be important. I hate that it is to me and I wonder why we are always so hard on ourselves? I usually don't even care what other people look like. My boyfriend is super tall and skinny and resents this, but I just find him perfect. And when it comes to girls, their weight has nothing to do with me finding them attractive or not. Sure, I don't mind ogling over Famke Janssen in revealing tank tops and hot pants, but in real life I am attracted to personalities, minds and smiles. I just set completely different standards for myself. Why can't I just focus on having really nice boobs for once?

Now it went back to being all about me again. ::slaps forehead:: Nic, I haven't seen your smile, but from the glimpses I have gotten of your mind and personality, I'd say you are pretty darn hot.

Oh, and at least you wear a bra in front of windows. I usually walk around naked or just wearing panties for at least an hour every day. And I think that I have seen most of my neighbours with little to no clothes. I think this is a Swedish thing though. We're just very naked people.


Oooo.... and narcolepsy_slds, your avatar is gorgeous! May I steal it?

[dreiser.livejournal.com]

My shirt is black and unfortunately my bottom is not fat in the groovy way Queen implied in the song.

[dreiser.livejournal.com]

I thought this was written stand up comedy for myself. I hate diaries and I hate shrinks so I loathe the idea that's what this is for me. I prefer to think of it mental rambling meant to be somewhat humorous.

Mirrors are evil.

[dreiser.livejournal.com]

I dunno how my smile would make me hot. lol. Not with my cavity filled teeth. I totally agree that weight isn't this huge fucking issue but I do think weight is important if it makes you feel physically bad and I think it's getting close to that point with me lately.

[occamsnailfile.livejournal.com]

Dude, that orgasm-sexdrive thing sounds like bull to me. I mean, I have a lot of the same thing, I just don't really care about sex in particular and I've been accused in the (relatively distant now) past of being anorexic, among other things. You can't quite count my ribs anymore, but I can still wear some of the clothes I owned in high school.

[dreiser.livejournal.com]

I think it's bullshit too. That's why I accused her of being a female viagra dealer. lol. Why else harass me?

Curves LOL

[debs21221.livejournal.com]

FYI My sister owns a curves and my mother works for her. So both my mom and sis are quite smaller then I am plus they have way more hair and twice the boobage LOL. But you know its whats inside right, and some of us just have little more inside. Later Deb

Re: Curves LOL

[dreiser.livejournal.com]

Curves is cool. I mean, my mom has lost tons of weight but it does seem cultish to me somehow. Dunno why. Hey, have you made a fic request yet? I still have one to go! You totally don't have to reciprocate since I luv you. lol. I'm still strangely amused by Disco Luv Bear. So nerdy.