Fucking Tired

[dreiser]

I'm really fucking tired. So tired that I'm not sure if I actually enjoyed my first day as a court clerk or not. I didn't enjoy the fact that I paid $8.75 to park in a paid lot today. That wasn't fun. It also wasn't fun being 20 minutes late to class and missing my quiz. I'm also adding the not fun fact that I'd make more money if I had gotten one of those UMSL clerical positions I applied for.

I don't think I'm someone ever meant to be happy in their work. Seriously, I believe this is the case. I wonder the wisdom of going to Sanford Brown for Paralegal Studies just for the purpose of getting a job in this field that I don't even care about. I also wonder the point of me going to school for English when I doubt I'll be able to make a career out of writing.

This depressing post might make you think the first day was hellish at the court but in truth, it wasn't. I liked it much more than what I did at my law firm and everyone there, from supervisors, fellow clerks, judges, to prosecuting and defense attorneys was super nice. I liked everything except for the parking situation and the lateness to class but that's nothing to do with the job itself. When it comes to the job I liked it more than what I was doing but being tired makes me contemplative and all this shit popped into my mind.

Maybe I should stop going to school, I don't see the point in it. I go to school endlessly and it gets me nowhere and I honestly am starting to think I'll never be happy professionally so why the fuck even bother going to school to learn these theoretical trades, you know? They either don't get me the job I really want or they get me a job I don't really want so what's the purpose? I do know if I was to leave this job so soon there's no way they would ever hire me back and that pains me since in terms of having a job in the legal field, working at the court is all I've ever wanted.

But on the other hand, I've never wanted to work in the legal field deep in my heart. I wanted to write but will going to school for English really accomplish that? I don't know. I honestly hate my life when it comes to the work and professional aspect of it. Work is the one thing that will always depress me no matter how I think of it. That and my education and how ultimately useless it is in so many supposedly important ways.

Thinking of both induces a morbid belief I'd be happier dead. On that upbeat note, I'm going to sleep. And no, I'm not really going to kill myself. I'm not a fucking emo attention whore. I'm tired babbling.

Comments

[cylver.livejournal.com]

I'm glad work is turning out at least somewhat nicely. And if there's anything I can do to make your life better, let me know.

But posting in your livejournal about how you'd be happier dead automagically makes you emo. Or are the emo kids using myspace now? I don't care, really.

Maybe it's like the ring of power... It doesn't instantly make you emo, it just corrupts you over time? Whatever.

[dreiser.livejournal.com]

I like emo music so that also makes me emo too. I think I'm accepting of my emo'ness. lol.

[lajacob.livejournal.com]

For some work is a passion..for others it is a means to an end. Ultimately we sacrifice and put up with loads of crap to do what we want..or at least some of us do...and it seems like thats what your doing as well...you want to write...so you take classes..how insufferable would work become if you didn't have an outlet for your wants..if you let that part of you just fade away.
just throwin that out there.
everyone gets emo..happens to the best of us now and then..its just wise not to make a habit of it..I mean you'd have to listen to that music all the time..and the clothes..the really bad poetry..no one wants that.
I envy your snow...lol

[ackemat.livejournal.com]

It sort of depends on what you think the purpose of education is. Is the point of going to school to get a particular job, or to expand your mind? I think it's a combination of the two. If writing is your passion, then why the heck shouldn't you go to school to learn more techniques to develop your craft. Maybe you won't get rich doing it, but if it brings you happiness, then it most certainly is not useless. Plus, look at all of the happiness you give us danish whores (and others) when you update your stories! :-)

You will eventually find professional happiness. Unfortunately, the time table may not be to your liking, but it is out there for you!

Do you need to get there earlier so you won't have to park in that lot?