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TITLE: A Thousand Glimpses
SERIES: All My Children
AUTHOR:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
dreiser
EMAIL: dreiser7@yahoo.com
YAHOO ID: dreiser7
MY WEBSITE: http://www.dreiser.org/
CONTENT: F/F romance. Bianca/Reese. Breeze.
SUMMARY: Reese Williams had experienced a thousand glimpses of the life she always wanted but until she met Bianca Montgomery she never thought she could have it for herself.
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing but my burning hatred for tofurkey.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is mostly filled with angst. Then Bianca shows up and isn't angsty for once. Surprising, no?
A Thousand Glimpses
By: Dreiser
Four
Two days had passed and in those two days Reese estimated she had stared at Bianca's text message in her BlackBerry over a hundred times. More than enough for her to memorize the phone number listed and sorely tempt her into dialing. Only she didn't because it was just too tempting, too inviting, and each moment she spent with Bianca these feelings she had around her, they kept growing stronger. Those completely confusing, utterly turbulent feelings and Reese didn't know how much more of it she could really take.
The funny thing was, the situation only became confusing once Reese was away from Bianca. When she was with her, everything felt so very right, as if that was exactly where she was meant to be, like she had finally found her place in the world and part of Reese wondered if this was what her father was always gushing about when he spoke of the first time he saw her mother. Reese loved her father dearly but she'd always attributed his story to an overly romantic nature and the rather large rose colored blinders he wore concerning her mother. It didn't seem possible to her, to care so quickly and to care so much, and until she met Bianca her world was composed of carefully thought out scenarios, thoughtfully weighing the pros and cons of every situation to come up with the best possible solution.
That was why she was engaged to Simon, after all.
On the surface he was perfect for her. The same job, the same hobbies, the same background, and her parents loved him. Her mother loved him and her mother didn't love many people and she approved of even fewer but she approved of him and Reese knew how rare that was, for her to actually like someone who liked her. Simon was a thoughtful man. Tender and caring and Reese knew he loved her and part of her did love him, he was too nice not to love, but she wasn't in love with him and she never would be.
Falling in love was something Reese wasn't even sure she was capable of. Certainly she knew she could love people because she loved her friends and her family and even Simon but loving someone wasn't the same as being in love with them. At least, that's what she'd been told time and time again by those around her. She had been attracted to countless people, drawn to their beauty and their brains and a few times by the sheer force of their personalities and Reese knew that feeling of lust. It was comforting in a way because she could control it, hide it away until she felt safe to let it loose, but what she felt for Bianca… it wasn't anything close to that.
Gwendolyn Holtcombe.
Her feelings for Bianca, they reminded Reese of that time during her freshman year in that stuffy private school. God, she was miserable there, surrounded by those music students, trying her best to produce the talent her mother demanded to see in her but utterly failing. It wasn't that she didn't love music, she loved it immensely, but it was a love born from listening to it, not from playing it herself. Reese never could grasp the improvisation behind the notes, the underlining love and passion brought out in a true musical performance. Instead she found relaxation in exploring the mathematical concepts behind scales and harmonics, something that horrified her mother.
Dull and dreary, she called Reese's relationship with music and so had everyone else at the school. Except for Gwendolyn who was concerned with the blonde's floundering in her classes and her desperate attempts to understand the thing that mattered to her mother the most in the world. Bianca reminded Reese so much of Gwendolyn. She was so funny and kind and understanding. All she needed to do was to look at Reese and she somehow knew exactly what she was thinking and not once was this ever a scary thing.
Maybe because Reese knew that Gwendolyn would never judge her. From the start she was nothing but supportive and Reese knew they were teenagers, only a few scarce years from still being children, but sometimes she thought perhaps she had been in love with her. Even after all these years, she remembered the smell of her perfume, the light scent of lilacs, expensive and imported, stolen from her older sister when they were home on break. They were incredibly young and so naïve, thinking they were hiding it so well, what they had together.
No one saw them holding hands, kissing, or having sex, and they thought that would keep them safe. Keep them hidden. Then she was taken out of class one day and her mother was there, foreboding as always, distant and tall, her chin held high and those dark eyes flashing. Reese had been removed from the school without a word as to why and when she asked her mother about it, desperate to return to Gwendolyn and her love, her understanding, her mother looked to her and said that it wasn't the place for her.
There was something else though. A dark sort of knowledge in her mother's eyes and Reese knew that somehow she had found out about her relationship with Gwendolyn. They never spoke about it, of course. Such things just weren't done with her mother but the message was made loud and clear. This type of relationship, this type of love, wasn't acceptable and it had better stop.
Throughout her life, Reese had always kept a distance from her mother. Almost admiring her from afar. Afraid that if she got too close, allowed her mother to see too much of herself, she would be disappointed with what she saw, with what she would know. The reaction to Gwendolyn only sealed this belief and from that day Reese kept her relationships secret. Oh, she brought home boys and eventually men, until it all led up to introducing the picture perfect fiancé in the form of Simon, but they weren't genuine relationships, not to Reese.
They were a twisted kind of performance art with her acting the part of the dutiful straight daughter.
Simon traveled in the same circles as her family, his father was cellist in the same orchestra as her mother at one time, and she knew he heard those whispering rumors people liked to spread about her, the ones that were always silenced by her mother's influence. He never did seem to care though, not even now. Sometimes Reese thought he knew about the women. The ones she saw when he was out of town, the nameless women she used throughout the years to keep herself satisfied. It wasn't easy at first, learning to be this way. When she was in college, she tried to have something resembling a normal relationship with Audrey and she wanted so desperately to fall in love with the redhead because she truly did know how much Audrey loved her but it never happened.
And perhaps it was for the best. Audrey had never been happy keeping their relationship a secret from her family and Reese knew that it couldn't last for long after they graduated. So they parted romantically and remained friends but the other woman never approved of Reese accepting Simon's marriage proposal. Said it wasn't fair to either of them, Simon because he was in love with her and Reese because she wouldn't ever be able to return those feelings. What sort of life could they have together really? Nothing honest and true in her opinion.
Everything Audrey said made sense to Reese but the idea of being in love seemed like a theory to her. Like walking on the surface of the moon or climbing Mt. Everest. Reese knew it was theoretically possible she could do these things but she couldn't fathom it ever happening and if she couldn't have that fairy tale love her father often spoke about then wasn't it better to have something solid, something reliable, that would make her mother happy? Simon was a good man and he would treat her well and there was that knowledge, some silent sense, that told Reese he would overlook her indiscretions with women if she was careful and kept them from his eyes.
It wasn't exactly the story book ending most little girls imagined but for Reese it was good enough. Until two days ago, she was content to call herself Simon's fiancé, to marry him and make her mother happy, to have her secret trysts to keep herself satisfied because until two days ago she couldn't imagine meeting someone who would make her want to have more in life.
"You look so morose," Audrey's lilting voice hung in the air as she shut the door to Reese's office. Pointing a rolled up tube of building designs at the blonde, she continued, "I am positive the world is not ending so tell me, what makes you look this way?"
Quickly pushing her BlackBerry aside, Reese blinked, hoping to clear away the tears that had gathered then shook her head as if to rid herself of her lingering thoughts of Bianca. "Nothing," she insisted, her tone overly cheerful. "Are those your ideas for the Rodolph project? I'd love to see them. Maurice was telling me he thought your concept designs were very Art Deco. That's unusual for you, isn't it?"
"Not as unusual as you avoiding my questions," murmured Audrey, moving around to stand next to Reese, leaning against her desk and lying her designs down on its surface. Folding her arms across her chest, she studied the blonde who bit her lip and purposefully moved her gaze away from her friend. A sigh and then Audrey said, "You are trying to hide something and doing a poor job of it."
"I'm not--" Reese started to protest but stopped when she felt Audrey grasp her chin, tenderly turning her head so they were looking into each others eyes. When she saw those hazel eyes, soft and understanding, focusing on her she couldn't make herself finish the lie. Closing her eyes tight, leaning into Audrey's touch as the redhead stroked her cheek, she murmured, "It's stupid."
"Perhaps I should judge for myself?" suggested Audrey.
Reese opened her eyes and unconsciously, her gaze drifted over to her BlackBerry, Bianca's text message still on its screen, and before she could object Audrey reached out to take phone into her hands. Silence as Audrey read the message than she looked up, droll humor on her features but a light of sympathetic comprehension in her gaze. Snatching the phone back, Reese allowed herself one more look the text message before closing it from the screen. "She was the one I brought into my office," Reese said finally.
"The brunette?" asked Audrey. When Reese nodded, she released a thoughtful murmur, then commented, "She was beautiful. Though her beauty does little to explain why you were staring at her terribly confusing message with such a defeated look on your lovely face."
"The message is my fault, we were having a texting race," Reese muttered and when Audrey lifted an eyebrow at this explanation, she shook her head and gave a barking sort of laugh. Running her fingers through her hair, Reese leaned back in her chair and stared up at the ceiling as she said, "I don't know what to tell you, Audrey. Honest I don't. I mean, I hardly know the woman!"
"But you would like to change that," said Audrey knowingly.
"I told you it's stupid," said Reese, now sounding as morose as she had apparently looked a few minutes ago. "Even if she could ever be interested in me that way I'm engaged to Simon so it's impossible."
"Your engagement has hardly stopped you before," said Audrey, deadpan in her observation.
"Bianca's different," Reese said, continuing to stare up at the ceiling.
Several moments passed without any reply and Reese dropped her head to look at her friend. Audrey was gazing at her with lidded eyes and a veiled look of concern on her features. "You care for her," she said simply.
Automatically defensive, Reese started to protest this but the words died on her tongue, something in her unable to say that she didn't care for Bianca. Just the thought of saying such a thing causing her stomach to tie itself into knots. Heaving a sigh and feeling the beginnings of a headache forming, Reese rubbed her forehead and murmured, "I told you it's stupid. I just met her! It doesn't make any sense."
"Love rarely does," Audrey responded with astute judgment and when Reese looked at her with wide brown eyes, she burst into laughter that was loud and jubilant, causing the blonde to scowl at her companion. "You cannot be cross with me. I merely speak the truth."
"I'm not in love with Bianca, I barely know her," said Reese petulantly, shoving her hands deep into the pockets of her pants and spinning her ergonomic chair in a circle simply to avoid looking at Audrey any longer. "I'm just attracted to her, that's all."
"Oh? If it is just attraction then why haven't you called her while Simon remains on his trip? This is perfect timing," Audrey reasoned, halting Reese's spinning by grabbing the arms of the chair. "The answer is simple," she murmured, leaning down to look steadily into Reese's eyes, holding her gaze. "You do not think you will be able to put aside whatever you could have with this woman and so you tell yourself it is better to not have anything at all. Such are the actions of those afraid to have love, don't you agree?" Reese reluctantly looked to her friend but remained silent, a staunch expression on her features, and Audrey released a noise of frustration on seeing it. "Why must you live this way? It cannot be good for you, always doing what you presume your mother wants. You would marry Simon because you think it would make her happiest and you would deny yourself a chance with a woman you could fall in love with because of what? A feeling once had when you were only a child? Has she ever said that she would not accept you as a lesbian?"
"Audrey," Reese said her name quiet and weary as if drained of all her energy. "You don't understand."
"Then explain it to me, how does living a lie make your mother happy?" asked Audrey in something of a demand.
More silence because Reese couldn't explain. Audrey was right, it was just a feeling after all, a horrible sinking feeling she had when she was fifteen years old that even at the age of thirty seven she couldn't seem to shake off. But it was a feeling, a fear, that she had believed in for so very long that Reese found the mere idea of abandoning it next to impossible.
"Ignore me," Audrey said in gentle tones, reaching out and cupping Reese's cheek, stroking the skin softly. "I did not mean to make you upset. I only want you to be happy and I cannot believe it will happen if you stay with Simon." Rising to her full height, she pushed off of the desk and continued, "If you would look at my designs and tell me your opinion I would appreciate it. I find myself at an impasse."
"No problem," said Reese, rubbing at her eyes, and offering the other woman a small smile. Audrey returned the smile with a dip of her head before exiting the office and leaving the blonde alone once again. With a shaky sigh, Reese unrolled the designs, spreading them flat across the surface of her desk and set about studying their sharp lines and distinctive edges.
She wasn't sure how much time had passed when she felt the vibration of her cell phone. Reaching for it, Reese tried to lift up her spirits, thinking she would see Simon's name on the Caller ID. Instead, when she looked at the screen she saw the numbers she had memorized over the past two days. Bianca's number. Fumbling with the phone Reese, quickly pressed the answer button and promptly dropped her phone on the desk with a loud thunk. Wincing at this, praying Bianca was still on the line, Reese picked it up and said, "Hello?"
"Reese?" Bianca's voice was light and sweet in her ear and Reese found herself forming an actual smile on hearing it. One that came from true happiness and not a sense that people expected to see this reaction. "This is Bianca Montgomery. From the park?"
"I remember," drawled Reese, amusement slipping into her voice only because it seemed as if the brunette thought Reese had somehow managed to forget her in only two days when in reality she had been on the architect's mind almost constantly since they parted. "I promise I've been applying the ointment three times daily. My assistant says I'm starting to look halfway presentable again."
Laughter echoed in her ear, then Bianca replied, "I'm sure you look much better than that. You're already so pretty."
"Thank you," Reese said, her voice low and husky, a blush heating her cheeks. "It's nice of you to say that."
"I'm not being nice, I'm telling the truth," said Bianca warmly. There was a pause and then her sweet voice was back but with some hesitation behind it, reminding Reese very much of the invitation to lunch from two days ago, and immediately her heart began to speed up at the idea of spending more time with the brunette. "As an architect are you more about the art behind designing buildings or the math?"
Blinking at this question, Reese leaned back in her chair, a thoughtful expression on her features as she said, "I don't think I could say I'm focused on one more than the other. There are some architects who are. My business partner, Audrey, she's miserable at math and relies a lot on her assistant and the rest of us at the firm to work out the logistics behind her designs. For myself though, every time I begin to imagine a building I want to construct I find myself working on the math behind it. If it's actually possible to create what I'm seeing in my mind and I adjust my vision as I work out what's realistic and what's a sheer Willy Wonka flight of fancy on my part."
"Ah," Bianca murmured, her voice distant and drifting.
"I'm sorry," Reese chuckled. "I didn't really answer your question, did I? Maybe you could me an art nerd? I don't know." Surrendering to her growing curiosity, she said, "Why do you ask?"
"I was trying to figure out your answer to a question I haven't asked yet," admitted Bianca in a wry confession.
"Why not just ask me the question?" asked Reese, a fond smile tugging at her lips.
"Because I was being shy and silly," said Bianca and Reese could swear she heard the brunette release a frustrated exhale. Then her voice was back, a soft murmur in her ear, "A friend of mine is in a play. I was wondering if you might be interested in seeing it with me?"
It was the strangest thing. Reese could swear she heard the sound of wind rushing past her ears and she felt almost dizzy. When she heard Bianca saying her name, worry evident in her voice, she shook her head and said in what she hoped weren't overly eager tones, "When?"
"Tomorrow night," said Bianca with a laugh, sounding relieved to finally receive a response from the blonde. "The play starts at eight o'clock. Sofie will probably want to spend some time with me afterwards, she gets pretty wound up after a performance, and I was thinking if you felt up to it we could all go out for some drinks. I'll play the designated driver and pick you up if you like."
"That sounds wonderful," said Reese and the warmth in her response, in her words, came as naturally as the happiness behind them. In an almost off hand consideration, she wondered what she had agreed to see. "What play is it?"
"Knowledge And A Girl (The Snow White Case) by Howard Barker," Bianca said. There was a sound of shuffling papers, then Bianca continued, "According to the press release it's a unique treatment of the Grimm Brothers tale of Snow White, focusing on the character of the wicked stepmother who, at the wedding of Snow White and her Prince, is forced to put on the red hot shoes, and dance until she drops down dead." A pause then Bianca said sardonically, "Definitely not Miranda appropriate."
"Doesn't sound like it," agreed Reese. A mischievous urge taking hold, she said in a playful drawl, "Are you trying to take me to a naughty play, Ms. Montgomery? It sure seems like it to me."
More shuffling of papers and Bianca protested, "I don't know! Sofie would only tell me it's a reworking of a fairy tale and she's playing the tragic young heroine. Although now I'm not sure who exactly that's supposed to be in this thing. Oh," she groaned slightly, "listen to this: In Barker's treatment of the fairy tale, The Queen is the protagonist, resisting the patriarchal and misogynistic structure of the court through her profligate sexuality while Snow White tries to outdo her stepmother in carnality." Silence then Bianca said, sounding a bit embarrassed, "I will totally understand if you take it back about wanting to see this thing with me. I had no idea what we would be getting into."
"No, it sounds fun," Reese laughed, charmed by Bianca's embarrassment, and not caring in the least what they were going to see as long as it meant she would get to spend time with the other woman. "How often do I get to see Snow White being carnal? It's not very Disney."
"Or Shrek," remarked Bianca.
"I was absurdly pleased to hear Amy Poehler was the English voice for Snow White in the third movie," said Reese absently.
"Really? I was happier about Amy Sedaris as Cinderella," Bianca said. She sighed and there was the sound of shuffling then she asked, slightly anxious, "Are you sure about seeing this with me? I won't be mad at all if you rather not. It sounds kind of out there."
"I'm sure," Reese reassured, her voice low and soothing. "I want to go with you. We'll have a great time. Carnality and all."
"Right," Bianca's laughter was sweet and effortless, perfectly suiting her kind voice, making Reese's pulse quicken. "Should we meet somewhere or would you like me to pick you up at your place?"
"Why don't you meet me at my office?" suggested Reese, trying her best to hold onto some type of distance from this woman though deep down she knew it was most likely a futile effort. "I'll be in here tomorrow working on refining my designs for a client that I'm meeting with next week and it's just a few minutes from your house so it will keep you from having to rush around."
"Sounds good," said Bianca warmly. "Though," her voice was teasing now, "I'm offended you think I rush around. I'm always prepared."
"A girl scout, huh?" Reese drawled, unable to keep the affection from slipping out as she spoke to the brunette.
"I never sold the cookies," said Bianca in droll tones.
"You were probably cute as a button in the hat," said Reese in a wandering type of observation, picturing the brunette to look much like Miranda as a little girl and thus presenting an entirely adorable picture in the traditional girl scout uniform.
"The theatre is about fifteen minutes from your office. When should I pick you up? There will be people milling around at the theatre and there's always traffic in Paris, especially on Saturday night," Bianca murmured, speaking her thoughts aloud.
"Seven o'clock," said Reese, giving the time firmly, liking the idea of spending quiet moments talking with Bianca before the play started, whether it was in her car on the drive there or sitting inside the theatre itself. "That gives us plenty of time."
"Okay," Bianca said, releasing the word in a soft breath. She was silent for a moment then she said cautiously, her voice hesitant, "Thanks for saying yes and for not… I don't know, being weirded out by my calling you out of nowhere like this."
"I'm not weirded out, why would I be weirded out?" asked Reese. When Bianca gave a shy sort of laugh, the lingering sense of embarrassment still clinging, the architect felt something in her change. Suddenly she felt her priority shift from protecting herself, keeping herself safe, to wanting to reassure Bianca. It was the least she could do, wasn't it? Bianca was so very honest with her, admitting her feelings and the reasons behind them, and so easily at that. If Bianca could do that then surely Reese could let the brunette see something of herself, something that would make her feel more at ease with the situation. "I'm glad you called me. I wanted to hear from you."
"Really?" Bianca said this so small and uncertain that it nearly broke Reese's heart.
"Really," said Reese with a chuckle. Leaning back in her chair and staring up at her ceiling, she felt herself relax and just let go. "Do you know I looked at your text message from our little race so many times I have your number memorized? I just couldn't work up the courage to call. You are a much braver person than I am, Bianca. Even if you don't have the best aim in the world when kicking errant soccer balls."
"I apologized!" exclaimed Bianca and Reese laughed boisterously at her outrage. "I never meant to hit you."
"I know, I know," Reese soothed, spinning in her chair and looking out the long windows of her office and down the street as if to imagine herself inside the brick house where Bianca resided. "I was only teasing you. I'm sorry, it wasn't funny."
"No," said Bianca a bit pathetically though a tinge of humor was in her tone. "It was funny. I do have horrible aim and I promise to never kick another soccer ball around you, all right? It's the least I can do."
"Besides taking me home, fixing me up, buying me ointment, feeding me food, and inviting me to a carnal play," Reese commented slyly.
A humorous noise of exasperation then Bianca said in wry but caring tones, "I'm going to hang up now. I have work to do but I'll see you tomorrow night at seven o'clock at your office. Unless you're sure you don't want to change your mind? Last chance."
"I'll see you tomorrow," said Reese, echoing Bianca unconsciously, the smile in her voice perfectly matching the one lighting her features. She paused and summoning up the courage from just a few moments ago, she added, "I want to spend time with you, Bianca. When we had lunch the other day, I had such a good time and I'd like to have that again so I'm not changing my mind and that's the end of that."
Another laugh, sweet and bright and airy, then Bianca said her goodbyes and Reese dropped her gaze to the BlackBerry, her eyes falling over the number she had memorized in those two days. She knew it would have been better to say no, that would have kept her in control, but she couldn't make herself, not when she was listening to Bianca's voice that was so kind and real in its affection. For the first time in a long while Reese didn't have any sort of plan for this situation, for this relationship, she just had her feelings.
Romantic and loving and growing stronger every day.
To be continued...
SERIES: All My Children
AUTHOR:
dreiserEMAIL: dreiser7@yahoo.com
YAHOO ID: dreiser7
MY WEBSITE: http://www.dreiser.org/
CONTENT: F/F romance. Bianca/Reese. Breeze.
SUMMARY: Reese Williams had experienced a thousand glimpses of the life she always wanted but until she met Bianca Montgomery she never thought she could have it for herself.
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing but my burning hatred for tofurkey.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is mostly filled with angst. Then Bianca shows up and isn't angsty for once. Surprising, no?
A Thousand Glimpses
By: Dreiser
Four
Two days had passed and in those two days Reese estimated she had stared at Bianca's text message in her BlackBerry over a hundred times. More than enough for her to memorize the phone number listed and sorely tempt her into dialing. Only she didn't because it was just too tempting, too inviting, and each moment she spent with Bianca these feelings she had around her, they kept growing stronger. Those completely confusing, utterly turbulent feelings and Reese didn't know how much more of it she could really take.
The funny thing was, the situation only became confusing once Reese was away from Bianca. When she was with her, everything felt so very right, as if that was exactly where she was meant to be, like she had finally found her place in the world and part of Reese wondered if this was what her father was always gushing about when he spoke of the first time he saw her mother. Reese loved her father dearly but she'd always attributed his story to an overly romantic nature and the rather large rose colored blinders he wore concerning her mother. It didn't seem possible to her, to care so quickly and to care so much, and until she met Bianca her world was composed of carefully thought out scenarios, thoughtfully weighing the pros and cons of every situation to come up with the best possible solution.
That was why she was engaged to Simon, after all.
On the surface he was perfect for her. The same job, the same hobbies, the same background, and her parents loved him. Her mother loved him and her mother didn't love many people and she approved of even fewer but she approved of him and Reese knew how rare that was, for her to actually like someone who liked her. Simon was a thoughtful man. Tender and caring and Reese knew he loved her and part of her did love him, he was too nice not to love, but she wasn't in love with him and she never would be.
Falling in love was something Reese wasn't even sure she was capable of. Certainly she knew she could love people because she loved her friends and her family and even Simon but loving someone wasn't the same as being in love with them. At least, that's what she'd been told time and time again by those around her. She had been attracted to countless people, drawn to their beauty and their brains and a few times by the sheer force of their personalities and Reese knew that feeling of lust. It was comforting in a way because she could control it, hide it away until she felt safe to let it loose, but what she felt for Bianca… it wasn't anything close to that.
Gwendolyn Holtcombe.
Her feelings for Bianca, they reminded Reese of that time during her freshman year in that stuffy private school. God, she was miserable there, surrounded by those music students, trying her best to produce the talent her mother demanded to see in her but utterly failing. It wasn't that she didn't love music, she loved it immensely, but it was a love born from listening to it, not from playing it herself. Reese never could grasp the improvisation behind the notes, the underlining love and passion brought out in a true musical performance. Instead she found relaxation in exploring the mathematical concepts behind scales and harmonics, something that horrified her mother.
Dull and dreary, she called Reese's relationship with music and so had everyone else at the school. Except for Gwendolyn who was concerned with the blonde's floundering in her classes and her desperate attempts to understand the thing that mattered to her mother the most in the world. Bianca reminded Reese so much of Gwendolyn. She was so funny and kind and understanding. All she needed to do was to look at Reese and she somehow knew exactly what she was thinking and not once was this ever a scary thing.
Maybe because Reese knew that Gwendolyn would never judge her. From the start she was nothing but supportive and Reese knew they were teenagers, only a few scarce years from still being children, but sometimes she thought perhaps she had been in love with her. Even after all these years, she remembered the smell of her perfume, the light scent of lilacs, expensive and imported, stolen from her older sister when they were home on break. They were incredibly young and so naïve, thinking they were hiding it so well, what they had together.
No one saw them holding hands, kissing, or having sex, and they thought that would keep them safe. Keep them hidden. Then she was taken out of class one day and her mother was there, foreboding as always, distant and tall, her chin held high and those dark eyes flashing. Reese had been removed from the school without a word as to why and when she asked her mother about it, desperate to return to Gwendolyn and her love, her understanding, her mother looked to her and said that it wasn't the place for her.
There was something else though. A dark sort of knowledge in her mother's eyes and Reese knew that somehow she had found out about her relationship with Gwendolyn. They never spoke about it, of course. Such things just weren't done with her mother but the message was made loud and clear. This type of relationship, this type of love, wasn't acceptable and it had better stop.
Throughout her life, Reese had always kept a distance from her mother. Almost admiring her from afar. Afraid that if she got too close, allowed her mother to see too much of herself, she would be disappointed with what she saw, with what she would know. The reaction to Gwendolyn only sealed this belief and from that day Reese kept her relationships secret. Oh, she brought home boys and eventually men, until it all led up to introducing the picture perfect fiancé in the form of Simon, but they weren't genuine relationships, not to Reese.
They were a twisted kind of performance art with her acting the part of the dutiful straight daughter.
Simon traveled in the same circles as her family, his father was cellist in the same orchestra as her mother at one time, and she knew he heard those whispering rumors people liked to spread about her, the ones that were always silenced by her mother's influence. He never did seem to care though, not even now. Sometimes Reese thought he knew about the women. The ones she saw when he was out of town, the nameless women she used throughout the years to keep herself satisfied. It wasn't easy at first, learning to be this way. When she was in college, she tried to have something resembling a normal relationship with Audrey and she wanted so desperately to fall in love with the redhead because she truly did know how much Audrey loved her but it never happened.
And perhaps it was for the best. Audrey had never been happy keeping their relationship a secret from her family and Reese knew that it couldn't last for long after they graduated. So they parted romantically and remained friends but the other woman never approved of Reese accepting Simon's marriage proposal. Said it wasn't fair to either of them, Simon because he was in love with her and Reese because she wouldn't ever be able to return those feelings. What sort of life could they have together really? Nothing honest and true in her opinion.
Everything Audrey said made sense to Reese but the idea of being in love seemed like a theory to her. Like walking on the surface of the moon or climbing Mt. Everest. Reese knew it was theoretically possible she could do these things but she couldn't fathom it ever happening and if she couldn't have that fairy tale love her father often spoke about then wasn't it better to have something solid, something reliable, that would make her mother happy? Simon was a good man and he would treat her well and there was that knowledge, some silent sense, that told Reese he would overlook her indiscretions with women if she was careful and kept them from his eyes.
It wasn't exactly the story book ending most little girls imagined but for Reese it was good enough. Until two days ago, she was content to call herself Simon's fiancé, to marry him and make her mother happy, to have her secret trysts to keep herself satisfied because until two days ago she couldn't imagine meeting someone who would make her want to have more in life.
"You look so morose," Audrey's lilting voice hung in the air as she shut the door to Reese's office. Pointing a rolled up tube of building designs at the blonde, she continued, "I am positive the world is not ending so tell me, what makes you look this way?"
Quickly pushing her BlackBerry aside, Reese blinked, hoping to clear away the tears that had gathered then shook her head as if to rid herself of her lingering thoughts of Bianca. "Nothing," she insisted, her tone overly cheerful. "Are those your ideas for the Rodolph project? I'd love to see them. Maurice was telling me he thought your concept designs were very Art Deco. That's unusual for you, isn't it?"
"Not as unusual as you avoiding my questions," murmured Audrey, moving around to stand next to Reese, leaning against her desk and lying her designs down on its surface. Folding her arms across her chest, she studied the blonde who bit her lip and purposefully moved her gaze away from her friend. A sigh and then Audrey said, "You are trying to hide something and doing a poor job of it."
"I'm not--" Reese started to protest but stopped when she felt Audrey grasp her chin, tenderly turning her head so they were looking into each others eyes. When she saw those hazel eyes, soft and understanding, focusing on her she couldn't make herself finish the lie. Closing her eyes tight, leaning into Audrey's touch as the redhead stroked her cheek, she murmured, "It's stupid."
"Perhaps I should judge for myself?" suggested Audrey.
Reese opened her eyes and unconsciously, her gaze drifted over to her BlackBerry, Bianca's text message still on its screen, and before she could object Audrey reached out to take phone into her hands. Silence as Audrey read the message than she looked up, droll humor on her features but a light of sympathetic comprehension in her gaze. Snatching the phone back, Reese allowed herself one more look the text message before closing it from the screen. "She was the one I brought into my office," Reese said finally.
"The brunette?" asked Audrey. When Reese nodded, she released a thoughtful murmur, then commented, "She was beautiful. Though her beauty does little to explain why you were staring at her terribly confusing message with such a defeated look on your lovely face."
"The message is my fault, we were having a texting race," Reese muttered and when Audrey lifted an eyebrow at this explanation, she shook her head and gave a barking sort of laugh. Running her fingers through her hair, Reese leaned back in her chair and stared up at the ceiling as she said, "I don't know what to tell you, Audrey. Honest I don't. I mean, I hardly know the woman!"
"But you would like to change that," said Audrey knowingly.
"I told you it's stupid," said Reese, now sounding as morose as she had apparently looked a few minutes ago. "Even if she could ever be interested in me that way I'm engaged to Simon so it's impossible."
"Your engagement has hardly stopped you before," said Audrey, deadpan in her observation.
"Bianca's different," Reese said, continuing to stare up at the ceiling.
Several moments passed without any reply and Reese dropped her head to look at her friend. Audrey was gazing at her with lidded eyes and a veiled look of concern on her features. "You care for her," she said simply.
Automatically defensive, Reese started to protest this but the words died on her tongue, something in her unable to say that she didn't care for Bianca. Just the thought of saying such a thing causing her stomach to tie itself into knots. Heaving a sigh and feeling the beginnings of a headache forming, Reese rubbed her forehead and murmured, "I told you it's stupid. I just met her! It doesn't make any sense."
"Love rarely does," Audrey responded with astute judgment and when Reese looked at her with wide brown eyes, she burst into laughter that was loud and jubilant, causing the blonde to scowl at her companion. "You cannot be cross with me. I merely speak the truth."
"I'm not in love with Bianca, I barely know her," said Reese petulantly, shoving her hands deep into the pockets of her pants and spinning her ergonomic chair in a circle simply to avoid looking at Audrey any longer. "I'm just attracted to her, that's all."
"Oh? If it is just attraction then why haven't you called her while Simon remains on his trip? This is perfect timing," Audrey reasoned, halting Reese's spinning by grabbing the arms of the chair. "The answer is simple," she murmured, leaning down to look steadily into Reese's eyes, holding her gaze. "You do not think you will be able to put aside whatever you could have with this woman and so you tell yourself it is better to not have anything at all. Such are the actions of those afraid to have love, don't you agree?" Reese reluctantly looked to her friend but remained silent, a staunch expression on her features, and Audrey released a noise of frustration on seeing it. "Why must you live this way? It cannot be good for you, always doing what you presume your mother wants. You would marry Simon because you think it would make her happiest and you would deny yourself a chance with a woman you could fall in love with because of what? A feeling once had when you were only a child? Has she ever said that she would not accept you as a lesbian?"
"Audrey," Reese said her name quiet and weary as if drained of all her energy. "You don't understand."
"Then explain it to me, how does living a lie make your mother happy?" asked Audrey in something of a demand.
More silence because Reese couldn't explain. Audrey was right, it was just a feeling after all, a horrible sinking feeling she had when she was fifteen years old that even at the age of thirty seven she couldn't seem to shake off. But it was a feeling, a fear, that she had believed in for so very long that Reese found the mere idea of abandoning it next to impossible.
"Ignore me," Audrey said in gentle tones, reaching out and cupping Reese's cheek, stroking the skin softly. "I did not mean to make you upset. I only want you to be happy and I cannot believe it will happen if you stay with Simon." Rising to her full height, she pushed off of the desk and continued, "If you would look at my designs and tell me your opinion I would appreciate it. I find myself at an impasse."
"No problem," said Reese, rubbing at her eyes, and offering the other woman a small smile. Audrey returned the smile with a dip of her head before exiting the office and leaving the blonde alone once again. With a shaky sigh, Reese unrolled the designs, spreading them flat across the surface of her desk and set about studying their sharp lines and distinctive edges.
She wasn't sure how much time had passed when she felt the vibration of her cell phone. Reaching for it, Reese tried to lift up her spirits, thinking she would see Simon's name on the Caller ID. Instead, when she looked at the screen she saw the numbers she had memorized over the past two days. Bianca's number. Fumbling with the phone Reese, quickly pressed the answer button and promptly dropped her phone on the desk with a loud thunk. Wincing at this, praying Bianca was still on the line, Reese picked it up and said, "Hello?"
"Reese?" Bianca's voice was light and sweet in her ear and Reese found herself forming an actual smile on hearing it. One that came from true happiness and not a sense that people expected to see this reaction. "This is Bianca Montgomery. From the park?"
"I remember," drawled Reese, amusement slipping into her voice only because it seemed as if the brunette thought Reese had somehow managed to forget her in only two days when in reality she had been on the architect's mind almost constantly since they parted. "I promise I've been applying the ointment three times daily. My assistant says I'm starting to look halfway presentable again."
Laughter echoed in her ear, then Bianca replied, "I'm sure you look much better than that. You're already so pretty."
"Thank you," Reese said, her voice low and husky, a blush heating her cheeks. "It's nice of you to say that."
"I'm not being nice, I'm telling the truth," said Bianca warmly. There was a pause and then her sweet voice was back but with some hesitation behind it, reminding Reese very much of the invitation to lunch from two days ago, and immediately her heart began to speed up at the idea of spending more time with the brunette. "As an architect are you more about the art behind designing buildings or the math?"
Blinking at this question, Reese leaned back in her chair, a thoughtful expression on her features as she said, "I don't think I could say I'm focused on one more than the other. There are some architects who are. My business partner, Audrey, she's miserable at math and relies a lot on her assistant and the rest of us at the firm to work out the logistics behind her designs. For myself though, every time I begin to imagine a building I want to construct I find myself working on the math behind it. If it's actually possible to create what I'm seeing in my mind and I adjust my vision as I work out what's realistic and what's a sheer Willy Wonka flight of fancy on my part."
"Ah," Bianca murmured, her voice distant and drifting.
"I'm sorry," Reese chuckled. "I didn't really answer your question, did I? Maybe you could me an art nerd? I don't know." Surrendering to her growing curiosity, she said, "Why do you ask?"
"I was trying to figure out your answer to a question I haven't asked yet," admitted Bianca in a wry confession.
"Why not just ask me the question?" asked Reese, a fond smile tugging at her lips.
"Because I was being shy and silly," said Bianca and Reese could swear she heard the brunette release a frustrated exhale. Then her voice was back, a soft murmur in her ear, "A friend of mine is in a play. I was wondering if you might be interested in seeing it with me?"
It was the strangest thing. Reese could swear she heard the sound of wind rushing past her ears and she felt almost dizzy. When she heard Bianca saying her name, worry evident in her voice, she shook her head and said in what she hoped weren't overly eager tones, "When?"
"Tomorrow night," said Bianca with a laugh, sounding relieved to finally receive a response from the blonde. "The play starts at eight o'clock. Sofie will probably want to spend some time with me afterwards, she gets pretty wound up after a performance, and I was thinking if you felt up to it we could all go out for some drinks. I'll play the designated driver and pick you up if you like."
"That sounds wonderful," said Reese and the warmth in her response, in her words, came as naturally as the happiness behind them. In an almost off hand consideration, she wondered what she had agreed to see. "What play is it?"
"Knowledge And A Girl (The Snow White Case) by Howard Barker," Bianca said. There was a sound of shuffling papers, then Bianca continued, "According to the press release it's a unique treatment of the Grimm Brothers tale of Snow White, focusing on the character of the wicked stepmother who, at the wedding of Snow White and her Prince, is forced to put on the red hot shoes, and dance until she drops down dead." A pause then Bianca said sardonically, "Definitely not Miranda appropriate."
"Doesn't sound like it," agreed Reese. A mischievous urge taking hold, she said in a playful drawl, "Are you trying to take me to a naughty play, Ms. Montgomery? It sure seems like it to me."
More shuffling of papers and Bianca protested, "I don't know! Sofie would only tell me it's a reworking of a fairy tale and she's playing the tragic young heroine. Although now I'm not sure who exactly that's supposed to be in this thing. Oh," she groaned slightly, "listen to this: In Barker's treatment of the fairy tale, The Queen is the protagonist, resisting the patriarchal and misogynistic structure of the court through her profligate sexuality while Snow White tries to outdo her stepmother in carnality." Silence then Bianca said, sounding a bit embarrassed, "I will totally understand if you take it back about wanting to see this thing with me. I had no idea what we would be getting into."
"No, it sounds fun," Reese laughed, charmed by Bianca's embarrassment, and not caring in the least what they were going to see as long as it meant she would get to spend time with the other woman. "How often do I get to see Snow White being carnal? It's not very Disney."
"Or Shrek," remarked Bianca.
"I was absurdly pleased to hear Amy Poehler was the English voice for Snow White in the third movie," said Reese absently.
"Really? I was happier about Amy Sedaris as Cinderella," Bianca said. She sighed and there was the sound of shuffling then she asked, slightly anxious, "Are you sure about seeing this with me? I won't be mad at all if you rather not. It sounds kind of out there."
"I'm sure," Reese reassured, her voice low and soothing. "I want to go with you. We'll have a great time. Carnality and all."
"Right," Bianca's laughter was sweet and effortless, perfectly suiting her kind voice, making Reese's pulse quicken. "Should we meet somewhere or would you like me to pick you up at your place?"
"Why don't you meet me at my office?" suggested Reese, trying her best to hold onto some type of distance from this woman though deep down she knew it was most likely a futile effort. "I'll be in here tomorrow working on refining my designs for a client that I'm meeting with next week and it's just a few minutes from your house so it will keep you from having to rush around."
"Sounds good," said Bianca warmly. "Though," her voice was teasing now, "I'm offended you think I rush around. I'm always prepared."
"A girl scout, huh?" Reese drawled, unable to keep the affection from slipping out as she spoke to the brunette.
"I never sold the cookies," said Bianca in droll tones.
"You were probably cute as a button in the hat," said Reese in a wandering type of observation, picturing the brunette to look much like Miranda as a little girl and thus presenting an entirely adorable picture in the traditional girl scout uniform.
"The theatre is about fifteen minutes from your office. When should I pick you up? There will be people milling around at the theatre and there's always traffic in Paris, especially on Saturday night," Bianca murmured, speaking her thoughts aloud.
"Seven o'clock," said Reese, giving the time firmly, liking the idea of spending quiet moments talking with Bianca before the play started, whether it was in her car on the drive there or sitting inside the theatre itself. "That gives us plenty of time."
"Okay," Bianca said, releasing the word in a soft breath. She was silent for a moment then she said cautiously, her voice hesitant, "Thanks for saying yes and for not… I don't know, being weirded out by my calling you out of nowhere like this."
"I'm not weirded out, why would I be weirded out?" asked Reese. When Bianca gave a shy sort of laugh, the lingering sense of embarrassment still clinging, the architect felt something in her change. Suddenly she felt her priority shift from protecting herself, keeping herself safe, to wanting to reassure Bianca. It was the least she could do, wasn't it? Bianca was so very honest with her, admitting her feelings and the reasons behind them, and so easily at that. If Bianca could do that then surely Reese could let the brunette see something of herself, something that would make her feel more at ease with the situation. "I'm glad you called me. I wanted to hear from you."
"Really?" Bianca said this so small and uncertain that it nearly broke Reese's heart.
"Really," said Reese with a chuckle. Leaning back in her chair and staring up at her ceiling, she felt herself relax and just let go. "Do you know I looked at your text message from our little race so many times I have your number memorized? I just couldn't work up the courage to call. You are a much braver person than I am, Bianca. Even if you don't have the best aim in the world when kicking errant soccer balls."
"I apologized!" exclaimed Bianca and Reese laughed boisterously at her outrage. "I never meant to hit you."
"I know, I know," Reese soothed, spinning in her chair and looking out the long windows of her office and down the street as if to imagine herself inside the brick house where Bianca resided. "I was only teasing you. I'm sorry, it wasn't funny."
"No," said Bianca a bit pathetically though a tinge of humor was in her tone. "It was funny. I do have horrible aim and I promise to never kick another soccer ball around you, all right? It's the least I can do."
"Besides taking me home, fixing me up, buying me ointment, feeding me food, and inviting me to a carnal play," Reese commented slyly.
A humorous noise of exasperation then Bianca said in wry but caring tones, "I'm going to hang up now. I have work to do but I'll see you tomorrow night at seven o'clock at your office. Unless you're sure you don't want to change your mind? Last chance."
"I'll see you tomorrow," said Reese, echoing Bianca unconsciously, the smile in her voice perfectly matching the one lighting her features. She paused and summoning up the courage from just a few moments ago, she added, "I want to spend time with you, Bianca. When we had lunch the other day, I had such a good time and I'd like to have that again so I'm not changing my mind and that's the end of that."
Another laugh, sweet and bright and airy, then Bianca said her goodbyes and Reese dropped her gaze to the BlackBerry, her eyes falling over the number she had memorized in those two days. She knew it would have been better to say no, that would have kept her in control, but she couldn't make herself, not when she was listening to Bianca's voice that was so kind and real in its affection. For the first time in a long while Reese didn't have any sort of plan for this situation, for this relationship, she just had her feelings.
Romantic and loving and growing stronger every day.
To be continued...
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I love the banter between Reese and Bianca, too. They have such a dynamic even early on, it's very realistic to me.
I'm so loving this story! Can't wait for the next update.
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Banter is fun. I love them bantering on the show. It's too cute.
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Loved the easy interaction between them and Reese finding the courage to put herself out there. Nice.
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Love it!
Re: Love it!
http://www.dreiser.org/
Warning though, I've been writing fanfic since I was sixteen and some of the fics are a lot lower on the quality scale. I'm pretty good at telling you in the descriptions when they are though. lol. Honesty is the best policy.
Re: Love it!
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Reese and the rape??
Re: Reese and the rape??