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TITLE: Fragile Things
SERIES: My Otome
AUTHOR: Dreiser
EMAIL: dreiser7@yahoo.com
YAHOO ID: dreiser7
MY WEBSITE: http://www.dreiser.org/
CONTENT: F/F romance. F/F sex. Haruka/Shizuru.
WARNING: Major character deaths, angst, violence, and extreme situations.
SUMMARY: In a single moment of violence, those who matter most to Haruka Armitage and Shizuru Viola are lost. Together they try to restore the broken pieces of their lives and learn to exist without the person they love.
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing but my enjoyment of pumpkin based foods.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Less angsty than the previous chapters.
Fragile Things
By: Dreiser
Five
Shizuru had only been vaguely aware of the passage of time in Quang Bihn. Standing in the Principal’s office, Natsuki’s office, that overlooked the grounds of Garderobe she became distinctly conscious of it. Two years had passed since she had last been in this place. That was when she last sat at this desk and knew without Youko telling her that something was wrong. That was when she smashed through this window, flying to her Natsuki and ultimately arriving far too late.
Walking over to the window, Shizuru touched its surface, enjoying how it was cool on her skin. She had a strange impulse to breathe on it as she would’ve done in the old days. Making a heart with her and Natsuki’s initials inside of it but Natsuki wasn’t here to blush and stammer over her antics. She was alone in this office as she had been for the past two weeks. Of course, she wasn’t completely alone. She had her fellow Columns and the Garderobe staff along with her student assistant. Miss Maria was here often to help her transition into the role of interim Principal, a duty reserved for the 3rd Column that had been passed over to the older Otome upon Shizuru’s absence. A duty that Miss Maria would have maintained if Shizuru hadn’t insisted otherwise.
They didn’t think she was ready to take this responsibility. To be in this office, doing this job, and she couldn’t blame them. For the past two years she had run from this. From her old life, from the memories contained in this place, memories of her life with Natsuki and now here she was, in the very place they had spent most of their time together.
It wasn’t as painful as Shizuru imagined.
There was an ache and a sorrow but her loss no longer cut through her like a knife, making it feel like her soul was bleeding from the absence of her Natsuki. Instead, she had become sadly resigned to a life without her.
Being here made it better somehow. Returning to Garderobe, fulfilling her duty as the 3rd Column, made Shizuru feel closer to Natsuki. Taking on the role of interim Principal helped Shizuru to understand her deceased lover better and it preserved the connection between them. There was a melancholy upon realizing this, on discovering unknown facets to her Natsuki now that she was gone forever, but Shizuru found solace in them all the same and it helped her to go on.
Turning from the window, her eyes fell to her brand new desk and the papers that sat on top of it. Though it aggravated Haruka she always kept the documents from her revised sentence there. Shizuru wasn’t sure why. Perhaps she wanted some visual reminder of her crimes? Something to ensure she wouldn’t let herself forget the monster she could become? The monster that had to be held back while she was at this school. Natsuki’s school.
The Council approved altering her sentence on her return when she explained her intent to take over as the interim Principal. In this role she would sometimes have to leave the academy grounds and taking this into account, they agreed she could do so if her GEM was removed, deactivating her powers. She could venture as far as Wind City in this state and this would only be allowed five times in a year. In exchange for this her sentence was extended another year.
Staying at Garderobe for so long was an alien concept for Shizuru. As the 3rd Column she had been Natsuki’s right hand, entrusted with the most important and delicate of missions, and she was often away on business. Shizuru had never much liked the responsibility of teaching, she didn’t think herself particularly good at it, and she preferred carrying out tasks for Natsuki rather than being involved with the aspects of running the school. She could do the work but she never enjoyed it and Shizuru knew she could have never done this job before. Staying here, at the academy, having one day so much like the next, it would have driven her mad even with her Natsuki by her side but now…
There was a relief in the lack of thought needed for this job. How her life was a pattern and it helped to focus on the inane small details of her existence, on her job as the interim Principal, to keep her from focusing on Natsuki’s death. And besides, she had Haruka now. Haruka who understood, Haruka who did her best to help, Haruka who had somehow redecorated the entire office in one day all in the hope that Shizuru wouldn’t find herself lost in the pain of her memories.
The blonde did a fine job of it too, the office went from a muted blue, green, and gray color scheme to one of gold and light brown. There was a soothing feeling in the office now, it gave off a light air, and it seemed to almost sparkle during the hours of the sunset. Shizuru wondered sometimes if Haruka picked everything out on her own or if she had help. For some reason she didn’t ask. Perhaps because she didn’t want to know the answer. What counted was that Haruka did this with her in mind, that’s what Shizuru told herself anyway.
It was enough to know that she mattered to Haruka, that she was in her thoughts. Eighteen years was how long her life had revolved around Natsuki and Shizuru wanted it to be that way. She never resented it or Natsuki. Before she fell in love she didn’t have a real focus in her life, a reason to live, something to fight for, and her existence simply was. Shizuru never felt an attachment to people, not really. Growing up as the daughter of Archduke Shigeru Viola she was born into the life of noble society and everything that came with it. The false airs, the pretense, the constant act that people put on.
From a very young age she learned people liked her title, they liked what she could get them, they liked their idea of who she was, and none of it had the least bit to do with Shizuru Viola as a person. And so she trusted no one and she didn’t bother to get to know anyone. It hurt too much, even those distant recollections of what it had felt like when she tried as a young girl only to find out her closest friends cared nothing for her. To hear their gossip and malicious whispers behind her back, the jealousy in their voices, only to be greeted with sickening sweet smiles because of who her father was. She learned to hate them and she buried her hurt underneath her hate and she shunned all contact to the point it worried her father immensely. It was then that she learned to perfect her own act, to put upon her own pretense, and she began playing a part and giving them what she thought they wanted because what was the point of letting them see her true self? It wasn’t what they wanted and it wasn’t like they cared.
Then came Garderobe and Haruka. She was certain others had seen her mask for what it was. Her father, for one, but no one was irritated by it like Haruka was. It offended and enraged her and something about that made Shizuru grow fond of her. Life in court was artifice and it was guile and she had never met someone like Haruka Armitage before. Someone who spoke honestly and earnestly from their heart, someone who let you see exactly who they were, and hid nothing away.
A reckless courage, that’s what Haruka had, and Shizuru admired it. Before long, Haruka had found a special place in her heart that Shizuru could never concede nor properly explain. Even her precious Natsuki didn’t see through her facade at first. She admired who she thought Shizuru was, that beautiful and kind oneesama, and it wasn’t until she had pressed the girl too far, ruined that image Natsuki had of her, that she began to see who Shizuru truly was as a person.
Something that Haruka had done from the start. Even if having such a talent irritated her immensely. Those days were such fun. Teasing Haruka and her Natsuki. They both had such wonderful reactions and it somehow made it that much better knowing that she was showing a side of herself to them that no one else knew. That they were special to her and she to them, that she held a place in her hearts. Before she let them in, before she allowed Natsuki to know all of her, Shizuru was isolated and she didn’t so much live her life as she simply existed. There was nothing that made her look forward from one day to the next.
When Shizuru fell in love with Natsuki she became that reason. And when she lost Natsuki she never thought she would have someone like that again. Someone who would know all of her, someone she could trust, someone who would make her anticipate tomorrow, and she still didn’t but she did have Haruka. The person who stood by her during the worst time in her life and saw the monster lurking inside of her and wasn’t afraid, the person who wanted her near, the person who needed her.
And Shizuru had discovered long ago, with her Natsuki, she was someone who couldn’t truly exist if she wasn’t needed by another person. It couldn’t be just any person either, it had to be someone who mattered to her, and with Natsuki gone there was only one person that she cared the slightest bit about and that was Haruka Armitage. Her first friend and the only person who understood what she experienced in losing Natsuki, who accepted the madness she kept hidden and held her close.
Knowing that Haruka needed her returned a portion of her old motivation and allowed the days to pass easier than they had in Quang Bihn. Here in Garderobe with Haruka, she didn’t need the alcohol to blur her mind and keep her thoughts from drifting to memories of Natsuki. She was surrounded with them, they lived in the walls, but they didn’t torment her as they used to. Not when she had Haruka to talk to, not when she had someone who needed her as she needed them.
Though there were some places on campus that she avoided. Shizuru hadn’t gone to the quarters she had shared with Natsuki since arriving back at Garderobe and had put off choosing a new residence. Instead she drifted from available room to room, living something like a guest in her own academy. She didn’t know why she couldn’t pick a room but she knew why she avoided her old quarters. The memories in this office and elsewhere on the grounds, they were safe, but the ones that would be sparked by her presence in that room were anything but. Their most intimate moments happened in that room and their things, they were all there, along with Natsuki’s possessions, clothing that might have her scent clinging to them.
Just the thought of experiencing that was unbearable and Shizuru avoided going there at all cost. It was strange that she had this feeling and her favorite thing in this redecorated office, cleaned and changed to avoid her painful memories, belonged to Natsuki. A golf putting game the Principal had squirreled into the storage closet for the office and despite how hidden it was, it showed signs of being well loved and used. Natsuki’s strange love for golf and her complete ineptitude at the sport was yet another of her endearing traits and upon discovering the game, Shizuru set it up in the right corner of the office.
Using it wasn’t of any interest to Shizuru. She just wanted to see it every day, a daily reminder of her Natsuki, just like she wanted to see the paperwork of her sentence on her desk. Haruka accused her of trying to torture herself and maybe that was part of it but she liked seeing that silly game. It made her smile, remembering Natsuki’s cute scowl as she missed a put and her flustered attitude when she tried to hide her interest in the sport. Unlike their quarters it made her think of happy things and she never wanted to forget her Natsuki. The concept of Natsuki disappearing from her thoughts entirely frightened Shizuru because for so long thoughts of Natsuki were always in the background of her mind, a motivating force behind her actions. Now she was gone but Shizuru refused to stop thinking of her.
Not when those thoughts, those memories, were all she had left of Natsuki.
Everything else was just objects, meaningless, even if like the golf game they did bring a rare happy thought. The only thing of substance were the times they had together and Shizuru guarded those moments like the precious treasure they were. Even if it kept her distant and separate from everyone else on campus with the exception of Haruka.
“Haruka-oneesama! She doesn’t want to be disturbed!”
Moments after Rose Cheun, the No. 4 Pearl and Shizuru’s student assistant, exclaimed this the doors to her office burst open and Haruka was there with a huffy look on her features. Rose, on the other hand appeared quite harassed and this made a hint of a smile curve on Shizuru’s lips. She wondered if the girl actually thought she had a chance of keeping Haruka from her path once she decided on it. Shizuru never met anyone who could.
“Bubuzuke,” Haruka drawled. She jerked her thumb at Rose as she bent down, placing a large suitcase down on the floor with care. “You really tell her that? You didn’t mean me, right?”
“Of course not,” said Shizuru smoothly, moving forward and forming a winsome smile. “Haruka is the one person I always want to see. It isn’t Rose’s fault I never told her Haruka is special.”
“The kid does a decent job of guarding you,” remarked Haruka, watching as the blushing Pearl excused herself and closed the office doors. “I had to pick her up and put her aside before I could get past to see you. You paying her or something?”
“In compliments and extra credit, yes,” said Shizuru, a playful feeling taking hold as she watched Haruka roll her eyes. They were having more and more moments like these. How they used to be. Their old camaraderie and interaction, the fun of it, the lighthearted teasing, and Shizuru found herself looking forward to it. She only had this feeling with Haruka, with everyone else she felt awkward and stiff, playing her part, and using her old pretense from childhood. “But why has Haruka come to see me? Not to inquire about the nonexistent wage of my student assistant, I’m sure. She always has important things on her mind.”
Haruka snorted, her blonde hair tossed over her shoulder as she stalked about the room. Her habit of pacing had always fascinated Shizuru, even when they were roommates. Sometimes she thought it could be compared to the movement of a wild cat or some other discontent beast that just wanted to take a swipe at the annoying creatures which bothered them. Shizuru did wonder how often she was that creature for Haruka. The winding walk soon ended with Haruka standing in front of Natsuki’s golf game and she wore a familiar frown on her face, the worried one that was bound to add wrinkles when she was older.
“You’re okay with this being here?” Haruka questioned, her eyes fixed on the game, an oddly controlled look on her features. She turned to face Shizuru, her violet eyes quietly concerned. “Even though you won’t go near your old quarters?”
“This brings happy memories,” murmured Shizuru, standing at Haruka’s side, her focus on the game. “I cannot return to the place where I shared so many intimate moments with my Natsuki. It was difficult enough stepping into this office for the first time but to go to where we shared a bed? Revealed parts of ourselves no one else has seen? No,” Shizuru looked to Haruka who met her gaze with an earnest expression. “Just thinking of it is impossible.”
“I figured you’d say something like that,” said Haruka and she shifted from foot to foot. There was a tinge of nervousness to her stance and Shizuru raised an eyebrow, making a nonverbal inquiry the blonde immediately recognized. “Don’t get mad,” Haruka began, shoving her hands into her jacket pockets. “But I got everything taken out of there. Put it in storage except the essentials, toilings and all that. Clothes I know you like because I remember you wearing them a lot.”
“Toiletries,” said Shizuru fondly, a smile tugging on her lips.
“That’s what I said!” Haruka blustered and she studied Shizuru who continued to smile at her and she growled impatiently. “Go on,” she waved her hands at the other Otome. “Get mad already. I'm ready for it, you don't scare me.”
“Why would I be mad at Haruka?” questioned Shizuru soft and sincere, stepping closer and reaching for Haruka’s hand, squeezing it gently when she had it in her hold. “She did a very sweet thing and she’s trying to take care of me.”
Violet eyes narrowed suspiciously and Haruka replied, “You sure?”
“I’m positive,” said Shizuru with a chuckle, looking around Haruka at the large suitcase. “I suppose all my belongings that Haruka has gathered are in that case? She did treat it with the utmost of care.”
“You’re making fun of me,” Haruka accused, her cheeks reddening and a scowl forming.
Chuckling again, Shizuru swung Haruka’s hand in her own. She looked over her shoulder at the blonde, an unbidden smile forming as she lifted her free hand and put her index finger and thumb close together. “Just a little,” Shizuru revealed, that playful feeling surging in her again when she heard Haruka’s grumble. Shizuru started to reach for the suitcase but Haruka beat her to it, hefting it easily in her left hand and Shizuru flashed her widest smile and declared, “Haruka is such a gentleman.”
“In case you missed it, I’m a woman, bubuzuke,” said Haruka dryly, allowing Shizuru to tug her along as they exited the office. Shizuru said her goodbyes to Rose who did her best to act as if she wasn’t staring at the two Columns holding hands and doing a very bad job of it. Part of Shizuru hated the rumors she knew would come of it, felt it disrespected and degraded the memories of the love she shared with her Natsuki and Haruka with Yukino, but all the same she refused to let go. Not when such a small thing could bring her a measure of happiness and contentment. “I thought you caught an eyeful when we were roommates.”
“I did and it was very pleasing indeed,” said Shizuru with a grin and Haruka grumbled again, staring down the hall, a frown suddenly forming on her features. Seeing the confusion emerging on her face, Shizuru asked, “What is it?”
“Where are we going?” asked Haruka bluntly. She hefted up the large suitcase and said, “This is heavy. You have a lot of junk.”
“Haruka is the one that packed it,” Shizuru reminded, lifting an eyebrow and chuckling when Haruka conceded this with a mumble, looking out the window. “If it was heavy then why did she pack so much?”
Silence and Shizuru swore if they weren’t walking, Haruka would be shifting from foot to foot again. Instead she watched her feet as they walked and said in a mutter, “I didn’t want to leave anything you might need behind. The room’s empty so you won’t have to go back there but I didn’t think you’d want to go down to storage where I put all of the Principal’s things either.”
It was in times like these that Shizuru was heartbreakingly aware of why Yukino had been in love with Haruka. While she put on a gruff exterior, full of bravado, that was just one side of her, the one that the public saw most often. But there was another facet to her personality, one that was caring and gentle and terribly sweet. She had a capacity to care for people in a way that Shizuru never could fully comprehend and it made her feel so grateful to have Haruka with her now. Because Shizuru didn’t think anyone but Haruka could forgive her for all her crimes, excuse everything she did, and still want her as a friend.
“I should choose a new room, that’s what Haruka believes, isn’t it?” said Shizuru, studying Haruka with a perceptive gaze.
Haruka nodded, a serious look on her features as she turned to Shizuru. “I don’t like you moving around,” she said. “It’s like you’re here but you’re not. Acting like Garderobe is a hotel or something and it isn’t. This is supposed to be your home, Shizuru.”
“I know it is,” said Shizuru with a smile, looking to Haruka. “Will Haruka help me choose then? She did such a stupendous job of packing my belongings, after all. It wouldn’t feel right to do this without her.”
“You weren’t there, you don’t know what sort of job I did,” said Haruka, defensive in her embarrassment.
“Ah, but I do know Haruka, and Haruka only does things to the very best of her abilities,” said Shizuru lightly, though her eyes shone with a sincere gratitude that the blonde Otome couldn’t help but notice and it caused her cheeks to redden.
“I’ll help,” said Haruka gruffly, following after Shizuru as she opened the door to the building which housed the staff living quarters. “But don’t take forever picking a place out. I got plans for later tonight, bubuzuke.”
“I won’t,” Shizuru promised. “In fact, I have just the perfect quarters in mind.”
—-
Each of the quarters that they looked at had something wrong with them until they reached the housing floor where Haruka resided. Magically, the open quarters right next to Haruka’s own were absolutely perfect despite having a smaller living room than the other quarters they had seen and a view that consisted of buildings instead of the beautiful Garderobe campus.
“If you wanted to live by me you should’ve just said so,” remarked Haruka. “I wouldn’t have teased you.”
Shizuru knew that but it wasn’t so much a fear of being teased as revealing the vulnerability that still remained in her. It used to be only Natsuki could bring it out in her because it was only Natsuki whom she loved, who her life revolved around, but now she had Haruka. It wasn’t the same, the feelings she had for Haruka but Haruka was the only person Shizuru felt comfortable with, where she didn’t feel the need for that mask, that pretense she had learned to perform since she was a child. If she couldn’t be with her Natsuki anymore, if she couldn’t live where they had so many memories because of the pain it would lend, then she wanted to be as close to Haruka as possible. Because her mere presence was soothing to Shizuru.
“I know,” Shizuru said quietly, her voice just a whisper. “Haruka is much kinder than me. She wouldn’t do such things.” She heard the sound of the blonde stepping closer and she lifted her head, looking into violet eyes that always seemed to look at her with acceptance and concern. It was almost too much, knowing Haruka could still look at her that way after everything she did. What she did to deserve this woman as a friend, Shizuru didn’t know, but she did know she wanted to hang onto her for dear life because it seemed as if only Haruka helped to maintain her grip on reality. “I suppose I didn’t want to admit it.”
“Shizuru,” Haruka murmured her name and she raised her hand almost hesitantly before lying it flat against Shizuru’s skin. Her fingers stretched out, touching the edges of Shizuru’s hair, curling it gently in her hold. “I don’t need you to explain, not if you don’t want to. Most things I can figure out on my own.” A self-deprecating smile formed on Haruka’s features and she continued, “And I’m not the best with words anyway. Aren’t you the one always telling me when I get them mixed up?”
I’m not the only one, Shizuru almost said this, referring to Yukino and Sara but she couldn’t say that and see sadness fill Haruka’s gaze. She didn’t want to do that so she didn’t do anything at all, remaining silent as Haruka’s hand fell from her face and the room stayed quiet until the other Column looked to her with a small frown. “What is it?” asked Shizuru.
“There are things I want to ask,” said Haruka, an uncomfortable look on her features, shifting from foot to foot again. “Mostly I just spit it out, you know? Don’t bother trying to think before I say stuff but with you…” Haruka trailed off, looking at Shizuru worriedly. “We’ve been through too much for me to do that. Even if I know you won’t take it personal.”
“Haruka can ask me anything she likes, I’ll never become upset,” said Shizuru soft and emphatic, knowing this to be the truth. “It’s because we’ve been through so much together that I’m sure of this. Please,” she moved closer, tilting her head and looking into Haruka’s eyes with a reassuring gaze. “Ask me.”
“Where did you go?” asked Haruka. She shoved her hands into her jacket pockets and avoided Shizuru’s gaze. “I mean, I know you were in Quang Bihn, that’s where Anh-oneesama found you.” Haruka shook her head, releasing a frustrated noise and removing her hands from her pockets, she threw them up in the air. “I dunno what I mean. Just forget it.”
“No,” said Shizuru, reaching for Haruka’s hands and stilling them in her grasp, squeezing them gently. “I don’t want to forget. I want to answer Haruka’s question.” When the blonde turned to her, Shizuru realized some part of her was ashamed. She hadn’t been when Anh came for her and she didn’t think what she did was wrong but it was different with Haruka. Despite all Haruka had gone through, all she had seen, there was an innocence, a goodness, to her that was similar to Natsuki. She always believed the best in people and Shizuru knew for certain if Haruka had been in her place she wouldn’t have done half the things that she did while in Quang Bihn. “I was working as a bodyguard at a brothel in the capital city.”
A blank stare interrupted by blinking was Haruka’s only reaction until she demanded, “What were you doing there?”
Silence and Shizuru kept her gaze steady with Haruka’s, knowing if she looked away she might never look back. Trying to find some humor in the conversation, she raised an eyebrow and replied, “Haruka must know what people do with prostitutes.”
Blushing dark red, Haruka scowled and turned from Shizuru, grumbling about the other woman teasing her. Then she returned her gaze to Shizuru, her expression obstinate. “Why would you pay for that kind of stuff?” Haruka asked. ”It’s not like you need to. Seems to me that people fall for you no matter where you go so you’re not exactly hard up.”
“It brought some measure of comfort, being with women who didn’t expect anything of me,” Shizuru revealed, a wan smile forming on her features. “The people you speak of would have wanted things from me, would have felt things for me, and it’s not something I could have dealt with then. I’m not sure I can deal with it now, to be perfectly honest. Does Haruka understand?”
“Yeah, I understand,” Haruka muttered with a frown. Shizuru could see the consternation on the blonde’s features, that despite this reassurance there was something else she needed to ask. Noticing Shizuru’s attention, Haruka reddened, ducking her head and rubbing the back of it. After a few moments, she looked up at Shizuru in a plaintive manner entirely too similar to Natsuki. “What about me? Do you think I expect things from you?”
Of all the things she assumed that Haruka would say Shizuru didn’t believe this would be among them. She imagined a certain amount of disdain and derision from what she had done in Quang Bihn and maybe it was there at first but now Haruka had gone back to her constant care and concern. Didn’t it matter to Haruka, the things she did, how low she had sunk? From the way that Haruka was looking at her, anxious and shifting from foot to foot, her hands buried in her pockets, Shizuru didn’t think so.
“Because I don’t want that,” Haruka continued, her frown deepening. “You’re obnoxious and a pain in my ass but that’s who you are and I don’t want you pretending to be something else. Stupid as it sounds, I like that you’re that way.”
“I always suspected Haruka was a masochist of sorts from the haphazard manner in which she does battle,” remarked Shizuru, a teasing smile tugging at her lips.
Falling into this pattern was second nature and it was easier than acknowledging how much hearing this revelation from Haruka affected her. Shizuru didn’t know why the blonde cared what she thought and she didn’t have the courage to ask. Understanding why people admired and loved the act she put on was simple. It represented perfection, a dream of sorts, fantasy of what most want to see in another person. But Haruka knew who she really was. All her faults and the monster she could become and she liked her all the same. Shizuru was baffled by it and she knew this feeling wouldn’t ever change.
“Bubuzuke,” growled Haruka in annoyance.
The blonde Otome opened her mouth, no doubt for some retort, but was silenced by Shizuru’s index finger resting against her lips. “It’s the same for me,” Shizuru murmured, soft and sincere. “I like Haruka exactly as she is and I haven’t any expectations of her. Haruka simply being Haruka is all that I require.”
“How come you always have to mess with me?” Haruka complained, pushing Shizuru’s finger aside and holding it lightly in her grip. “And don’t say it’s because you like my recess. I’ve heard that plenty.”
“Reaction,” corrected Shizuru affectionately, chuckling when Haruka grumbled at her. “I would answer but Haruka wouldn’t be pleased by my reply since she claims to have heard it plenty. I will say it is part of why I like Haruka exactly as she is.”
“Right,” said Haruka with a snort. She began to respond but her GEM lit up with a bright green glow and she stepped away from Shizuru, touching it lightly and the brunette heard her carry on a quiet conversation with Sara Gallagher. When she was finished, Haruka turned back to Shizuru and said, “I have to go. You’ll be okay, setting the room up?”
Some irrational part of Shizuru wanted to say she wouldn’t be. That she couldn’t cope alone but it would be a lie and Shizuru never lied to Haruka. Not since she had seen how devastated the blonde was by her lies when they were roommates at this academy. Back when she allowed Haruka to win in battles against her because she didn’t care and she thought it would make Haruka happy. It was then she learned how much honesty meant to the other woman and Shizuru promised to remain that way, rather than risk losing her friendship again. Which is why she shook her head, saying she would be fine. Watching Haruka as she exited, Shizuru was bitterly aware of how her new quarters were far less appealing than they had been just seconds before.
——
Ever since her sentence ended Haruka would go out once a week into Wind City with Sara. She wasn’t sure why the younger Otome insisted on it but Haruka had begun to enjoy the outings. During the twelve years of Yukino’s presidency they hadn’t many opportunities to go out and while they did have many romantic evenings at The Hexagon and Yukino’s house in Caeles it wasn’t the same. Haruka often longed for a sort of normalcy they would probably never achieve because of Yukino’s status as a former president and a member of a prestigious family in Aries. She wanted to spend time with her like she did on these trips with Sara, just wandering about the city, no particular plan in mind and just enjoying each other’s company.
It was too late though. Yukino was dead and Haruka never got to have those moments with her. But now she was here, with Sara, who was so like Yukino but different all the same. For some reason she didn’t think Yukino would have brought her to an art museum. It was too far flung from Haruka’s element and to be honest, Haruka had a frown on her face the minute she saw the building in front of her and realized Sara’s intent for them to go inside. Still, Sara had been good to her, taking care of her all these months, putting up with her foul moods, and the least she could do was look at some boring art for her.
When she stepped inside, Haruka was met with banners announcing an exhibit from Aries, featuring artists who came to popularity during their fight for independence against Artai. Looking to Sara with surprise, she was met with a soft smile from the other woman, slipping her arm through Haruka’s as she led her into the main hall where the exhibit was located.
“Growing up in Mar, I only got to see these in textbooks,” Sara revealed, walking with Haruka through the hall, pausing to study the famous statue of Anzai Chrysant. “You lived in Caeles for a few years. Did you ever visit the National Art Museum?”
Shaking her head no, Haruka looked to Sara with a sheepish expression. “I always fell asleep in class when they were talking about this stuff. Never was much interest to me,” she admitted. Looking up at the statue, she murmured, “It’s different now. I guess it’s growing older that does it? Makes things you found boring as a kid not so much when you’re an adult? I dunno,” she muttered, her face reddening slightly, studying the etched lines of Anzai’s face. “I know Yukino liked it.”
They walked slowly through the hall, inspecting the paintings and sculptures, conversing quietly on their homeland until Haruka’s stomach grumbled and her face turned dark red in a blush. Sara beamed at the older Otome, pulling her along with a fond cluck of her tongue, and saying it was past time for them to have their dinner. Purchasing food from a local street vendor they sat on a bench at the city park which had a direct view of the Windbloom University campus. Haruka’s eyes drifted over the scenery until they stopped on a tree she had sat under more than a few times with Yukino when they were attending school.
Haruka started to tell Sara this but stopped, a frown forming as she wondered if Sara ever got sick of it. Hearing so much about Yukino. This had gone on for over a year now and Haruka was amazed with the younger blonde’s patience. How she never got frustrated with her or really angry. At least, not in any way that Haruka found it the least bit threatening. She would get irritated at her moods, when she would doubt herself or have moments of self-loathing, but that was out of concern for her.
“What’s wrong?” asked Sara, her brow furrowing in concern on seeing Haruka’s frown. “You don’t like your food?”
There it was again. She was always worried about her. Haruka didn’t reply, simply stared at the other Otome, smiling when her wire rimmed glasses slipped down the bridge of her nose. Pushing them up, Haruka murmured, “Don’t you ever get tired? From worrying about me all the time? Hearing me talk about Yukino nonstop… it’s boring for you, isn’t it? You don’t have to lie.”
“It’s not boring,” Sara said this in a fierce exclamation, one that made Haruka smile and shake her head. “I’m not lying!”
“You’re too nice, you’ve always been too nice,” said Haruka affectionately. “I’ll try and stop it. I shouldn’t bother you so much. It’s not right, always going to you. I’ve monopod all your time.”
“Monopolized,” corrected Sara, a touch of annoyance in her voice. It wasn’t giving the correction that bothered her but Haruka thinking she felt that way. Something Sara found utterly ridiculous. She wanted to be with Haruka, she liked being with her, even when she was depressed and always reminiscing about Yukino. A sinking feeling took hold and she had to wonder if maybe this wasn’t Haruka being worried about taking up her time so much as Haruka just not needing her. After all, Shizuru had returned and Shizuru understood so much better than Sara what Haruka had lost. Maybe she just wasn’t good enough in comparison. People were often found lacking when placed against the Bewitching Smile Amethyst. “It’s because Shizuru is back, isn’t it? You rather talk to her about these things.” Keeping her gaze purposefully away from Haruka, trying to control the waver in her voice, Sara tried to force herself to sound cheerful. “I understand. She does know you better—”
“Sara Gallagher,” Haruka said her name in a murmur, fingers gentle on her jaw but still forcing her to turn so their eyes could meet. Once they did, Sara saw the frown Haruka was wearing had grown much deeper. “It’s got nothing to do with bubuzuke. I just thought maybe it’s selfish of me, always dumping so much on you.”
“You’re not,” said Sara strongly, shaking her head. “And I don’t mind. I like being with you, I like hearing these things.”
“That’s just you being too nice again,” said Haruka sardonically. “You can’t say it doesn’t get on your nerves, hearing me talk about the same stuff over and over. I know I’m doing it, that everything always goes back to Yukino, but I can’t help it. I was with her for so long, ever since we were kids, and it feels strange, not thinking about her so much. I’m not sure I could ever stop.”
“Then don’t stop,” said Sara quietly, reaching up to cover Haruka’s hand with her own. “Loving Yukino is a part of you, Haruka. I don’t want to change that and I don’t want you to have to think about what you say around me.” Her green eyes were bright and teasing as she continued, “I’m not sure you really could do that anyway.”
“I can think!” Haruka protested in a bluster.
“About what you say before you say it?” Sara teased, laughing when Haruka’s cheeks puffed out. “You’d probably just stop speaking to me in the end and I don’t want that. I like talking with you.”
For a few moments, Haruka was silent, simply observing Sara who became slightly self-conscious under her gaze, a blush tingeing her cheeks. She started to look away but Haruka touched her face and said, “I feel the same, you know? That’s why I was worried. But you’re easy to talk to. Always have been.”
“Haruka,” Sara said her name in a soft murmur.
“We should finish eating,” said Haruka, taking a large bite of her sandwich and swallowing it quickly. “Before our food gets cold.”
“Mou!” exclaimed Sara with a sigh, bumping her shoulder with Haruka’s. “You shouldn’t eat so fast. You’ll choke!”
Snorting at this Haruka put her food in her left hand and placed her right arm over Sara’s shoulder in a casual gesture. Giving the younger blonde a light squeeze, she said, “It’ll take more than sliced meat in between some bread to get rid of me.”
Her blush returning, Sara ducked her head, nodding in agreement before eating her meal in comfortable silence with Haruka. It never failed to please her, how the very simplest of things could make her happy whenever Haruka was involved.
——
Gazing out the windows of the Principal’s office had become something of a pastime for Shizuru. Doing it reminded her of Natsuki in a pleasant manner and she liked having this visual connection to the academy she was temporarily heading. Seeing with her own eyes the students, instructors, and employees going about their daily business. There was something fulfilling and relaxing in it and so looking out the windows had become Shizuru’s small breaks throughout her busy days. Turning in her chair and staring out over the grounds and the people residing on it.
Of course, sometimes her observations led her to see things Shizuru would rather not. This included the current scene she was fixated on, watching as Haruka said her goodbyes to Sara who was leaving for a brief mission in Cardair. Usually Shizuru sat in her comfortable chair, turning faintly from left to right, during her observations but as she gazed at Haruka and Sara she stood up, moving closer to the windows, a frown slowly forming with every moment that passed.
Sara was lecturing Haruka again, Shizuru could see it from the way she was speaking and wagging her finger at the older blonde, and she could visualize Haruka rolling her eyes in response before she saw her tug Sara’s cap down over her eyes. The blush Sara wore, Shizuru easily imagined, especially after Haruka pulled her in for a one armed hug and Shizuru clenched her hands into fists. There was a strange churning in her stomach, as if she was going to be ill, it was unfamiliar and unpleasant.
“Knock knock,” Nao’s sardonic drawl filled the air along with a loud rapping on the window and Shizuru jumped slightly, turning to look at the redhead. Smirking on finally having Shizuru’s attention, Nao tilted her head to one side and remarked, “I was starting to think you’d gone deaf in your old age, Shizuru.”
During the past few weeks Nao had slowly taken to referring to her without honorifics and Shizuru found she liked it. She didn’t want to be called Principal, that was Natsuki’s title, and being spoken to with any measure of politeness was just odd when it came to Nao. It didn’t suit her at all and Nao was the Column she had come to rely on the most other than Haruka. She enjoyed Nao’s blunt honesty, it reminded her of Midori, whom she had grown fond of in her time with Aswad.
“Nao’s taunts are most cruel,” said Shizuru with a pout, sitting in her chair and spinning away from the window. If she remained standing she would be tempted to watch more of Haruka and Sara’s goodbye and further incite Nao’s curiosity. That wouldn’t do.
“Gallagher and the General, huh?” said Nao thoughtfully, her fingers tapping out a pattern on the window. “They got tight while you were away. I thought maybe with you back they’d stop being joined at the hip but it doesn’t look like anything’s changed.” Shizuru didn’t reply, she focused on her desk, staring at the edges of her sentencing papers, hidden underneath the endless piles of work for Garderobe. She kept her gaze on them even as Nao sat on the edge of her desk, left hand spreading out over those papers, disturbing them so she could see more details of her sentence. “You don’t like it, do you?”
“Why would Nao say such a thing? I’m not a jealous person,” said Shizuru, forming her very best glittering smile. The one that had made countless men and women swoon in her presence but it had no effect on Nao who raised an eyebrow as her smirk grew that much larger. “I must say, I don’t understand what has Nao so entertained.”
“The Bewitching Smile Amethyst in denial is pretty damn funny,” Nao said glibly. When Shizuru opened her mouth, she waved her hands at her before leaning back on the desk and studying her features with a sly expression. “Don’t even try it. We both know you don’t like the General cozying up with Gallagher. My only question is why. Jealousy or friendly concern? And don’t say it can’t be jealousy, not when you’re the one who brought it up.”
Looking at Nao’s smirk which seemed permanently fixed on her face, Shizuru resigned herself to the fact that the other Column was entirely all too well suited to her assigned duties of espionage. She had an uncanny ability to read people. Even those who had worked their whole lives at hiding their true self under a mask of grace and charm like herself. “What does Nao know of their relationship?” she questioned quietly, almost imploring but held back by the pride Shizuru found impossible to abandon.
“They’re not dating,” said Nao carelessly, kicking her legs absently. “Gallagher wants to though. I doubt the General has a clue.”
“Haruka has never been especially observant in such matters,” murmured Shizuru, a tender feeling seized her on recalling how she had been the one to point out Haruka’s own romantic feelings for Yukino. Before her intervention Haruka had merely thought her emotions for Yukino were what one friend feels for another even though it was plain enough for everyone else to see. “Does Nao think she’s made any progress in getting Haruka to realize?”
“Beats me, I haven’t watched them that close,” said Nao and she studied the slight flicker of disappointment that moved over Shizuru’s features. “I could if you wanted,” she said, a devious glint forming in her eyes. “It’d be a fun distraction.”
There were a few seconds where Shizuru actually considered it then she immediately thought better of it. Even during her most desperate times as she tried to win over Natsuki she never contemplated spying on her. How could she do such a thing to her closest friend? It simply wasn’t right and while Shizuru knew she possessed far less of a moral code than most people it didn’t sit right with her and she eventually rejected the idea. “Nao is surprisingly sweet but I must refuse. If Haruka was ever to discover I did anything of that sort she would never forgive me and I couldn’t live with that,” Shizuru admitted quietly.
“You know the General started up with her because you were gone and Gallagher reminds her of the President,” said Nao, revealing the blunt honesty that Shizuru appreciated about her. She kicked her legs one last time and leapt off the desk, shoving her hands into the pockets of her pants. “I know Gallagher’s crazy about her. Has been for awhile. Anybody with two eyes who isn’t the General can figure that out but until the President died, she wasn’t anything but another Otome to the General.”
“But now that Yukino-san is gone?” prompted Shizuru.
“It’s like she got something of the President back, being with Gallagher,” said Nao with a shrug, walking out of the office. “But I’m not somebody to go nosing around in other people’s business. I just call things as I see them.”
“And how does Nao see this?” Shizuru questioned as Nao reached the door.
Pausing with her hand on the door handle, Nao turned around, a twisted smile on her features as she drawled, “It’s almost as fucked up as Nina obsessing over her father and we all know where that got us.”
With that said, Nao walked out the door and left Shizuru alone in her contemplation. Approaching Haruka would do no good. It was as Nao said, she hadn’t the slightest clue as to what was happening with Sara. The younger blonde though, she knew, she was too intelligent not to know and that meant she was allowing it to go on, allowing Haruka to exist in this degree of denial that wasn’t emotionally or psychologically healthy. And it was something Shizuru was now determined to stop.
——
The five Columns all had offices on the Garderobe campus but only the office for the 2nd Column was ever really used. As the Principal they were most often on campus and had the greatest number of administration and clerical duties. Nao and Haruka actively avoided their offices like the plague and as far as Shizuru was aware they were next to empty and gathering dust. While Sara was frequently traveling for her diplomatic duties as the 1st Column, she did make use of her office when she was at the academy. As the interim Principal, Shizuru knew the schedules of all her staff, and that being such she knew Sara would be back on Garderobe grounds late in the afternoon.
Using this knowledge, Shizuru appeared at Sara’s office, standing in the open doorway, her gaze fixed on the daisies sitting on the desk Sara resided at. Her eyes narrowing, Shizuru knocked on the door, smiling serenely when Sara lifted her head to look at her with a slight frown. “Sara is so often hard at work, it’s admirable,” said Shizuru, doing her best to charm.
“I’m just doing my job,” said Sara plainly and Shizuru knew with this response her attempt had failed. Putting her pen down and the frown increasing, Sara questioned, “Is there a problem, interim Principal?”
Flinching at this modified version of Natsuki’s title, Shizuru’s expression grew darker and she said, “Of course not. Why does Sara ask?”
“Because you never speak to me unless there’s a problem,” replied Sara, looking at Shizuru with keen observation.
“Ever so clever,” murmured Shizuru. She had forgotten somehow. How smart this woman could be. Shizuru wasn’t sure why she had forgotten. Not when it made her so very sure Sara knew what she was doing with Haruka. Stepping forward, she touched the petals of the daisies, aware of Sara jerking forward in her chair as she did so. “Haruka gave these to you, didn’t she?” Lifting her gaze, Shizuru continued, “It’s a habit she’s had for many years now except it was once for Yukino.”
“I know that,” Sara seemed to grind the words out, forcing them past her lips, as if it was painful.
“Does Sara also know that Haruka is trying to see Yukino in her?” pursued Shizuru, her words quiet but cutting in their truth. “That doing so makes Haruka feel less lonely? That Haruka imagines Yukino is not completely gone because of this?”
“I take it this means you’re not here on academy business,” said Sara with dry humor, removing her glasses and rubbing at her eyes. Suddenly appearing altogether weary.
“I’m here as a friend concerned for another friend,” said Shizuru honestly. She wasn’t at all comfortable with the idea that Haruka was trying to replace Yukino in any manner through her relationship with Sara. While it wasn’t as outwardly destructive as Shizuru’s own actions in Quang Bihn it had the same ramifications and would prevent the blonde from further recovering from her wife’s death. Shizuru couldn’t let such a thing go on, she was resolved to help Haruka as Haruka was helping her. “Sara is an intelligent person. There must have been moments when she saw evidence of Haruka trying see her as someone else.”
“Haruka knows I’m not the President,” said Sara, putting on her glasses and glaring at Shizuru.
“She knows but there are moments where she looks for Yukino in Sara and I think them to be often,” said Shizuru, moving her hand away from the daisies and folding her arms across her chest. “Sara must realize this isn’t healthy behavior.”
“And what do you want me to do?” asked Sara, her voice sharp and irritated.
“I want Sara to stop allowing Haruka to pretend such things. It would help if she could create a distance until Haruka was able to cease this habit on her own. She is most likely aware of it but unable to stop,” said Shizuru simply, offering a smile. Sara didn’t reply, instead she ducked her head, hands gripping her desk and turning white from the pressure, and Shizuru said this as kindly as she could manage, “Haruka will never be able to let go of Yukino’s death if things continue in this manner.”
“Like you’re over the Principal’s?” demanded Sara harshly, her head whipping up. Instantly, Shizuru’s face darkened and she tried to contain her rage, forcing back that red veil as Sara rose to her feet and met her gaze head on. “You come in here acting like you’re doing this for Haruka’s own good when it’s really about you. I’ve watched you since you came back and I know you don’t like how close I’ve gotten to Haruka. She’s the only one who you feel close to so you want her to feel the same about you but that’s not the truth because she’s got me. Maybe she does see Yukino in me, I’m not stupid, I know that, but I also know she sees who I am deep down and she likes me. So I don’t care what you say, I won’t give her up. I’m helping her.”
“Helping her by perpetuating her use of you? Her game of pretend?” Shizuru asked derisively. “Sara really doesn’t care of such things? It certainly cannot be good for her ego, knowing so much of Haruka’s time with her is occupied by thoughts of Yukino.”
“I’m sure you’re so concerned about me,” said Sara lightly, plopping back down in her chair. Looking up at Shizuru, the anger gone from her features, she said simply, “I’ve loved Haruka since I was fifteen years old. I’ll do whatever I can to help her. The rest of it doesn’t matter to me.” Her bright green eyes were painfully discerning as they gazed at Shizuru and she questioned, “What about you? What will you do?”
There were very few instances in Shizuru Viola’s life where she had to admit defeat. This was one of them and she wasn’t pleased with it in the least. Which is why her jaw clenched as she turned sharply on her heel, her back to Sara as she walked out the door, replying as she left, “What I must.”
To be continued...
SERIES: My Otome
AUTHOR: Dreiser
EMAIL: dreiser7@yahoo.com
YAHOO ID: dreiser7
MY WEBSITE: http://www.dreiser.org/
CONTENT: F/F romance. F/F sex. Haruka/Shizuru.
WARNING: Major character deaths, angst, violence, and extreme situations.
SUMMARY: In a single moment of violence, those who matter most to Haruka Armitage and Shizuru Viola are lost. Together they try to restore the broken pieces of their lives and learn to exist without the person they love.
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing but my enjoyment of pumpkin based foods.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Less angsty than the previous chapters.
Fragile Things
By: Dreiser
Five
Shizuru had only been vaguely aware of the passage of time in Quang Bihn. Standing in the Principal’s office, Natsuki’s office, that overlooked the grounds of Garderobe she became distinctly conscious of it. Two years had passed since she had last been in this place. That was when she last sat at this desk and knew without Youko telling her that something was wrong. That was when she smashed through this window, flying to her Natsuki and ultimately arriving far too late.
Walking over to the window, Shizuru touched its surface, enjoying how it was cool on her skin. She had a strange impulse to breathe on it as she would’ve done in the old days. Making a heart with her and Natsuki’s initials inside of it but Natsuki wasn’t here to blush and stammer over her antics. She was alone in this office as she had been for the past two weeks. Of course, she wasn’t completely alone. She had her fellow Columns and the Garderobe staff along with her student assistant. Miss Maria was here often to help her transition into the role of interim Principal, a duty reserved for the 3rd Column that had been passed over to the older Otome upon Shizuru’s absence. A duty that Miss Maria would have maintained if Shizuru hadn’t insisted otherwise.
They didn’t think she was ready to take this responsibility. To be in this office, doing this job, and she couldn’t blame them. For the past two years she had run from this. From her old life, from the memories contained in this place, memories of her life with Natsuki and now here she was, in the very place they had spent most of their time together.
It wasn’t as painful as Shizuru imagined.
There was an ache and a sorrow but her loss no longer cut through her like a knife, making it feel like her soul was bleeding from the absence of her Natsuki. Instead, she had become sadly resigned to a life without her.
Being here made it better somehow. Returning to Garderobe, fulfilling her duty as the 3rd Column, made Shizuru feel closer to Natsuki. Taking on the role of interim Principal helped Shizuru to understand her deceased lover better and it preserved the connection between them. There was a melancholy upon realizing this, on discovering unknown facets to her Natsuki now that she was gone forever, but Shizuru found solace in them all the same and it helped her to go on.
Turning from the window, her eyes fell to her brand new desk and the papers that sat on top of it. Though it aggravated Haruka she always kept the documents from her revised sentence there. Shizuru wasn’t sure why. Perhaps she wanted some visual reminder of her crimes? Something to ensure she wouldn’t let herself forget the monster she could become? The monster that had to be held back while she was at this school. Natsuki’s school.
The Council approved altering her sentence on her return when she explained her intent to take over as the interim Principal. In this role she would sometimes have to leave the academy grounds and taking this into account, they agreed she could do so if her GEM was removed, deactivating her powers. She could venture as far as Wind City in this state and this would only be allowed five times in a year. In exchange for this her sentence was extended another year.
Staying at Garderobe for so long was an alien concept for Shizuru. As the 3rd Column she had been Natsuki’s right hand, entrusted with the most important and delicate of missions, and she was often away on business. Shizuru had never much liked the responsibility of teaching, she didn’t think herself particularly good at it, and she preferred carrying out tasks for Natsuki rather than being involved with the aspects of running the school. She could do the work but she never enjoyed it and Shizuru knew she could have never done this job before. Staying here, at the academy, having one day so much like the next, it would have driven her mad even with her Natsuki by her side but now…
There was a relief in the lack of thought needed for this job. How her life was a pattern and it helped to focus on the inane small details of her existence, on her job as the interim Principal, to keep her from focusing on Natsuki’s death. And besides, she had Haruka now. Haruka who understood, Haruka who did her best to help, Haruka who had somehow redecorated the entire office in one day all in the hope that Shizuru wouldn’t find herself lost in the pain of her memories.
The blonde did a fine job of it too, the office went from a muted blue, green, and gray color scheme to one of gold and light brown. There was a soothing feeling in the office now, it gave off a light air, and it seemed to almost sparkle during the hours of the sunset. Shizuru wondered sometimes if Haruka picked everything out on her own or if she had help. For some reason she didn’t ask. Perhaps because she didn’t want to know the answer. What counted was that Haruka did this with her in mind, that’s what Shizuru told herself anyway.
It was enough to know that she mattered to Haruka, that she was in her thoughts. Eighteen years was how long her life had revolved around Natsuki and Shizuru wanted it to be that way. She never resented it or Natsuki. Before she fell in love she didn’t have a real focus in her life, a reason to live, something to fight for, and her existence simply was. Shizuru never felt an attachment to people, not really. Growing up as the daughter of Archduke Shigeru Viola she was born into the life of noble society and everything that came with it. The false airs, the pretense, the constant act that people put on.
From a very young age she learned people liked her title, they liked what she could get them, they liked their idea of who she was, and none of it had the least bit to do with Shizuru Viola as a person. And so she trusted no one and she didn’t bother to get to know anyone. It hurt too much, even those distant recollections of what it had felt like when she tried as a young girl only to find out her closest friends cared nothing for her. To hear their gossip and malicious whispers behind her back, the jealousy in their voices, only to be greeted with sickening sweet smiles because of who her father was. She learned to hate them and she buried her hurt underneath her hate and she shunned all contact to the point it worried her father immensely. It was then that she learned to perfect her own act, to put upon her own pretense, and she began playing a part and giving them what she thought they wanted because what was the point of letting them see her true self? It wasn’t what they wanted and it wasn’t like they cared.
Then came Garderobe and Haruka. She was certain others had seen her mask for what it was. Her father, for one, but no one was irritated by it like Haruka was. It offended and enraged her and something about that made Shizuru grow fond of her. Life in court was artifice and it was guile and she had never met someone like Haruka Armitage before. Someone who spoke honestly and earnestly from their heart, someone who let you see exactly who they were, and hid nothing away.
A reckless courage, that’s what Haruka had, and Shizuru admired it. Before long, Haruka had found a special place in her heart that Shizuru could never concede nor properly explain. Even her precious Natsuki didn’t see through her facade at first. She admired who she thought Shizuru was, that beautiful and kind oneesama, and it wasn’t until she had pressed the girl too far, ruined that image Natsuki had of her, that she began to see who Shizuru truly was as a person.
Something that Haruka had done from the start. Even if having such a talent irritated her immensely. Those days were such fun. Teasing Haruka and her Natsuki. They both had such wonderful reactions and it somehow made it that much better knowing that she was showing a side of herself to them that no one else knew. That they were special to her and she to them, that she held a place in her hearts. Before she let them in, before she allowed Natsuki to know all of her, Shizuru was isolated and she didn’t so much live her life as she simply existed. There was nothing that made her look forward from one day to the next.
When Shizuru fell in love with Natsuki she became that reason. And when she lost Natsuki she never thought she would have someone like that again. Someone who would know all of her, someone she could trust, someone who would make her anticipate tomorrow, and she still didn’t but she did have Haruka. The person who stood by her during the worst time in her life and saw the monster lurking inside of her and wasn’t afraid, the person who wanted her near, the person who needed her.
And Shizuru had discovered long ago, with her Natsuki, she was someone who couldn’t truly exist if she wasn’t needed by another person. It couldn’t be just any person either, it had to be someone who mattered to her, and with Natsuki gone there was only one person that she cared the slightest bit about and that was Haruka Armitage. Her first friend and the only person who understood what she experienced in losing Natsuki, who accepted the madness she kept hidden and held her close.
Knowing that Haruka needed her returned a portion of her old motivation and allowed the days to pass easier than they had in Quang Bihn. Here in Garderobe with Haruka, she didn’t need the alcohol to blur her mind and keep her thoughts from drifting to memories of Natsuki. She was surrounded with them, they lived in the walls, but they didn’t torment her as they used to. Not when she had Haruka to talk to, not when she had someone who needed her as she needed them.
Though there were some places on campus that she avoided. Shizuru hadn’t gone to the quarters she had shared with Natsuki since arriving back at Garderobe and had put off choosing a new residence. Instead she drifted from available room to room, living something like a guest in her own academy. She didn’t know why she couldn’t pick a room but she knew why she avoided her old quarters. The memories in this office and elsewhere on the grounds, they were safe, but the ones that would be sparked by her presence in that room were anything but. Their most intimate moments happened in that room and their things, they were all there, along with Natsuki’s possessions, clothing that might have her scent clinging to them.
Just the thought of experiencing that was unbearable and Shizuru avoided going there at all cost. It was strange that she had this feeling and her favorite thing in this redecorated office, cleaned and changed to avoid her painful memories, belonged to Natsuki. A golf putting game the Principal had squirreled into the storage closet for the office and despite how hidden it was, it showed signs of being well loved and used. Natsuki’s strange love for golf and her complete ineptitude at the sport was yet another of her endearing traits and upon discovering the game, Shizuru set it up in the right corner of the office.
Using it wasn’t of any interest to Shizuru. She just wanted to see it every day, a daily reminder of her Natsuki, just like she wanted to see the paperwork of her sentence on her desk. Haruka accused her of trying to torture herself and maybe that was part of it but she liked seeing that silly game. It made her smile, remembering Natsuki’s cute scowl as she missed a put and her flustered attitude when she tried to hide her interest in the sport. Unlike their quarters it made her think of happy things and she never wanted to forget her Natsuki. The concept of Natsuki disappearing from her thoughts entirely frightened Shizuru because for so long thoughts of Natsuki were always in the background of her mind, a motivating force behind her actions. Now she was gone but Shizuru refused to stop thinking of her.
Not when those thoughts, those memories, were all she had left of Natsuki.
Everything else was just objects, meaningless, even if like the golf game they did bring a rare happy thought. The only thing of substance were the times they had together and Shizuru guarded those moments like the precious treasure they were. Even if it kept her distant and separate from everyone else on campus with the exception of Haruka.
“Haruka-oneesama! She doesn’t want to be disturbed!”
Moments after Rose Cheun, the No. 4 Pearl and Shizuru’s student assistant, exclaimed this the doors to her office burst open and Haruka was there with a huffy look on her features. Rose, on the other hand appeared quite harassed and this made a hint of a smile curve on Shizuru’s lips. She wondered if the girl actually thought she had a chance of keeping Haruka from her path once she decided on it. Shizuru never met anyone who could.
“Bubuzuke,” Haruka drawled. She jerked her thumb at Rose as she bent down, placing a large suitcase down on the floor with care. “You really tell her that? You didn’t mean me, right?”
“Of course not,” said Shizuru smoothly, moving forward and forming a winsome smile. “Haruka is the one person I always want to see. It isn’t Rose’s fault I never told her Haruka is special.”
“The kid does a decent job of guarding you,” remarked Haruka, watching as the blushing Pearl excused herself and closed the office doors. “I had to pick her up and put her aside before I could get past to see you. You paying her or something?”
“In compliments and extra credit, yes,” said Shizuru, a playful feeling taking hold as she watched Haruka roll her eyes. They were having more and more moments like these. How they used to be. Their old camaraderie and interaction, the fun of it, the lighthearted teasing, and Shizuru found herself looking forward to it. She only had this feeling with Haruka, with everyone else she felt awkward and stiff, playing her part, and using her old pretense from childhood. “But why has Haruka come to see me? Not to inquire about the nonexistent wage of my student assistant, I’m sure. She always has important things on her mind.”
Haruka snorted, her blonde hair tossed over her shoulder as she stalked about the room. Her habit of pacing had always fascinated Shizuru, even when they were roommates. Sometimes she thought it could be compared to the movement of a wild cat or some other discontent beast that just wanted to take a swipe at the annoying creatures which bothered them. Shizuru did wonder how often she was that creature for Haruka. The winding walk soon ended with Haruka standing in front of Natsuki’s golf game and she wore a familiar frown on her face, the worried one that was bound to add wrinkles when she was older.
“You’re okay with this being here?” Haruka questioned, her eyes fixed on the game, an oddly controlled look on her features. She turned to face Shizuru, her violet eyes quietly concerned. “Even though you won’t go near your old quarters?”
“This brings happy memories,” murmured Shizuru, standing at Haruka’s side, her focus on the game. “I cannot return to the place where I shared so many intimate moments with my Natsuki. It was difficult enough stepping into this office for the first time but to go to where we shared a bed? Revealed parts of ourselves no one else has seen? No,” Shizuru looked to Haruka who met her gaze with an earnest expression. “Just thinking of it is impossible.”
“I figured you’d say something like that,” said Haruka and she shifted from foot to foot. There was a tinge of nervousness to her stance and Shizuru raised an eyebrow, making a nonverbal inquiry the blonde immediately recognized. “Don’t get mad,” Haruka began, shoving her hands into her jacket pockets. “But I got everything taken out of there. Put it in storage except the essentials, toilings and all that. Clothes I know you like because I remember you wearing them a lot.”
“Toiletries,” said Shizuru fondly, a smile tugging on her lips.
“That’s what I said!” Haruka blustered and she studied Shizuru who continued to smile at her and she growled impatiently. “Go on,” she waved her hands at the other Otome. “Get mad already. I'm ready for it, you don't scare me.”
“Why would I be mad at Haruka?” questioned Shizuru soft and sincere, stepping closer and reaching for Haruka’s hand, squeezing it gently when she had it in her hold. “She did a very sweet thing and she’s trying to take care of me.”
Violet eyes narrowed suspiciously and Haruka replied, “You sure?”
“I’m positive,” said Shizuru with a chuckle, looking around Haruka at the large suitcase. “I suppose all my belongings that Haruka has gathered are in that case? She did treat it with the utmost of care.”
“You’re making fun of me,” Haruka accused, her cheeks reddening and a scowl forming.
Chuckling again, Shizuru swung Haruka’s hand in her own. She looked over her shoulder at the blonde, an unbidden smile forming as she lifted her free hand and put her index finger and thumb close together. “Just a little,” Shizuru revealed, that playful feeling surging in her again when she heard Haruka’s grumble. Shizuru started to reach for the suitcase but Haruka beat her to it, hefting it easily in her left hand and Shizuru flashed her widest smile and declared, “Haruka is such a gentleman.”
“In case you missed it, I’m a woman, bubuzuke,” said Haruka dryly, allowing Shizuru to tug her along as they exited the office. Shizuru said her goodbyes to Rose who did her best to act as if she wasn’t staring at the two Columns holding hands and doing a very bad job of it. Part of Shizuru hated the rumors she knew would come of it, felt it disrespected and degraded the memories of the love she shared with her Natsuki and Haruka with Yukino, but all the same she refused to let go. Not when such a small thing could bring her a measure of happiness and contentment. “I thought you caught an eyeful when we were roommates.”
“I did and it was very pleasing indeed,” said Shizuru with a grin and Haruka grumbled again, staring down the hall, a frown suddenly forming on her features. Seeing the confusion emerging on her face, Shizuru asked, “What is it?”
“Where are we going?” asked Haruka bluntly. She hefted up the large suitcase and said, “This is heavy. You have a lot of junk.”
“Haruka is the one that packed it,” Shizuru reminded, lifting an eyebrow and chuckling when Haruka conceded this with a mumble, looking out the window. “If it was heavy then why did she pack so much?”
Silence and Shizuru swore if they weren’t walking, Haruka would be shifting from foot to foot again. Instead she watched her feet as they walked and said in a mutter, “I didn’t want to leave anything you might need behind. The room’s empty so you won’t have to go back there but I didn’t think you’d want to go down to storage where I put all of the Principal’s things either.”
It was in times like these that Shizuru was heartbreakingly aware of why Yukino had been in love with Haruka. While she put on a gruff exterior, full of bravado, that was just one side of her, the one that the public saw most often. But there was another facet to her personality, one that was caring and gentle and terribly sweet. She had a capacity to care for people in a way that Shizuru never could fully comprehend and it made her feel so grateful to have Haruka with her now. Because Shizuru didn’t think anyone but Haruka could forgive her for all her crimes, excuse everything she did, and still want her as a friend.
“I should choose a new room, that’s what Haruka believes, isn’t it?” said Shizuru, studying Haruka with a perceptive gaze.
Haruka nodded, a serious look on her features as she turned to Shizuru. “I don’t like you moving around,” she said. “It’s like you’re here but you’re not. Acting like Garderobe is a hotel or something and it isn’t. This is supposed to be your home, Shizuru.”
“I know it is,” said Shizuru with a smile, looking to Haruka. “Will Haruka help me choose then? She did such a stupendous job of packing my belongings, after all. It wouldn’t feel right to do this without her.”
“You weren’t there, you don’t know what sort of job I did,” said Haruka, defensive in her embarrassment.
“Ah, but I do know Haruka, and Haruka only does things to the very best of her abilities,” said Shizuru lightly, though her eyes shone with a sincere gratitude that the blonde Otome couldn’t help but notice and it caused her cheeks to redden.
“I’ll help,” said Haruka gruffly, following after Shizuru as she opened the door to the building which housed the staff living quarters. “But don’t take forever picking a place out. I got plans for later tonight, bubuzuke.”
“I won’t,” Shizuru promised. “In fact, I have just the perfect quarters in mind.”
—-
Each of the quarters that they looked at had something wrong with them until they reached the housing floor where Haruka resided. Magically, the open quarters right next to Haruka’s own were absolutely perfect despite having a smaller living room than the other quarters they had seen and a view that consisted of buildings instead of the beautiful Garderobe campus.
“If you wanted to live by me you should’ve just said so,” remarked Haruka. “I wouldn’t have teased you.”
Shizuru knew that but it wasn’t so much a fear of being teased as revealing the vulnerability that still remained in her. It used to be only Natsuki could bring it out in her because it was only Natsuki whom she loved, who her life revolved around, but now she had Haruka. It wasn’t the same, the feelings she had for Haruka but Haruka was the only person Shizuru felt comfortable with, where she didn’t feel the need for that mask, that pretense she had learned to perform since she was a child. If she couldn’t be with her Natsuki anymore, if she couldn’t live where they had so many memories because of the pain it would lend, then she wanted to be as close to Haruka as possible. Because her mere presence was soothing to Shizuru.
“I know,” Shizuru said quietly, her voice just a whisper. “Haruka is much kinder than me. She wouldn’t do such things.” She heard the sound of the blonde stepping closer and she lifted her head, looking into violet eyes that always seemed to look at her with acceptance and concern. It was almost too much, knowing Haruka could still look at her that way after everything she did. What she did to deserve this woman as a friend, Shizuru didn’t know, but she did know she wanted to hang onto her for dear life because it seemed as if only Haruka helped to maintain her grip on reality. “I suppose I didn’t want to admit it.”
“Shizuru,” Haruka murmured her name and she raised her hand almost hesitantly before lying it flat against Shizuru’s skin. Her fingers stretched out, touching the edges of Shizuru’s hair, curling it gently in her hold. “I don’t need you to explain, not if you don’t want to. Most things I can figure out on my own.” A self-deprecating smile formed on Haruka’s features and she continued, “And I’m not the best with words anyway. Aren’t you the one always telling me when I get them mixed up?”
I’m not the only one, Shizuru almost said this, referring to Yukino and Sara but she couldn’t say that and see sadness fill Haruka’s gaze. She didn’t want to do that so she didn’t do anything at all, remaining silent as Haruka’s hand fell from her face and the room stayed quiet until the other Column looked to her with a small frown. “What is it?” asked Shizuru.
“There are things I want to ask,” said Haruka, an uncomfortable look on her features, shifting from foot to foot again. “Mostly I just spit it out, you know? Don’t bother trying to think before I say stuff but with you…” Haruka trailed off, looking at Shizuru worriedly. “We’ve been through too much for me to do that. Even if I know you won’t take it personal.”
“Haruka can ask me anything she likes, I’ll never become upset,” said Shizuru soft and emphatic, knowing this to be the truth. “It’s because we’ve been through so much together that I’m sure of this. Please,” she moved closer, tilting her head and looking into Haruka’s eyes with a reassuring gaze. “Ask me.”
“Where did you go?” asked Haruka. She shoved her hands into her jacket pockets and avoided Shizuru’s gaze. “I mean, I know you were in Quang Bihn, that’s where Anh-oneesama found you.” Haruka shook her head, releasing a frustrated noise and removing her hands from her pockets, she threw them up in the air. “I dunno what I mean. Just forget it.”
“No,” said Shizuru, reaching for Haruka’s hands and stilling them in her grasp, squeezing them gently. “I don’t want to forget. I want to answer Haruka’s question.” When the blonde turned to her, Shizuru realized some part of her was ashamed. She hadn’t been when Anh came for her and she didn’t think what she did was wrong but it was different with Haruka. Despite all Haruka had gone through, all she had seen, there was an innocence, a goodness, to her that was similar to Natsuki. She always believed the best in people and Shizuru knew for certain if Haruka had been in her place she wouldn’t have done half the things that she did while in Quang Bihn. “I was working as a bodyguard at a brothel in the capital city.”
A blank stare interrupted by blinking was Haruka’s only reaction until she demanded, “What were you doing there?”
Silence and Shizuru kept her gaze steady with Haruka’s, knowing if she looked away she might never look back. Trying to find some humor in the conversation, she raised an eyebrow and replied, “Haruka must know what people do with prostitutes.”
Blushing dark red, Haruka scowled and turned from Shizuru, grumbling about the other woman teasing her. Then she returned her gaze to Shizuru, her expression obstinate. “Why would you pay for that kind of stuff?” Haruka asked. ”It’s not like you need to. Seems to me that people fall for you no matter where you go so you’re not exactly hard up.”
“It brought some measure of comfort, being with women who didn’t expect anything of me,” Shizuru revealed, a wan smile forming on her features. “The people you speak of would have wanted things from me, would have felt things for me, and it’s not something I could have dealt with then. I’m not sure I can deal with it now, to be perfectly honest. Does Haruka understand?”
“Yeah, I understand,” Haruka muttered with a frown. Shizuru could see the consternation on the blonde’s features, that despite this reassurance there was something else she needed to ask. Noticing Shizuru’s attention, Haruka reddened, ducking her head and rubbing the back of it. After a few moments, she looked up at Shizuru in a plaintive manner entirely too similar to Natsuki. “What about me? Do you think I expect things from you?”
Of all the things she assumed that Haruka would say Shizuru didn’t believe this would be among them. She imagined a certain amount of disdain and derision from what she had done in Quang Bihn and maybe it was there at first but now Haruka had gone back to her constant care and concern. Didn’t it matter to Haruka, the things she did, how low she had sunk? From the way that Haruka was looking at her, anxious and shifting from foot to foot, her hands buried in her pockets, Shizuru didn’t think so.
“Because I don’t want that,” Haruka continued, her frown deepening. “You’re obnoxious and a pain in my ass but that’s who you are and I don’t want you pretending to be something else. Stupid as it sounds, I like that you’re that way.”
“I always suspected Haruka was a masochist of sorts from the haphazard manner in which she does battle,” remarked Shizuru, a teasing smile tugging at her lips.
Falling into this pattern was second nature and it was easier than acknowledging how much hearing this revelation from Haruka affected her. Shizuru didn’t know why the blonde cared what she thought and she didn’t have the courage to ask. Understanding why people admired and loved the act she put on was simple. It represented perfection, a dream of sorts, fantasy of what most want to see in another person. But Haruka knew who she really was. All her faults and the monster she could become and she liked her all the same. Shizuru was baffled by it and she knew this feeling wouldn’t ever change.
“Bubuzuke,” growled Haruka in annoyance.
The blonde Otome opened her mouth, no doubt for some retort, but was silenced by Shizuru’s index finger resting against her lips. “It’s the same for me,” Shizuru murmured, soft and sincere. “I like Haruka exactly as she is and I haven’t any expectations of her. Haruka simply being Haruka is all that I require.”
“How come you always have to mess with me?” Haruka complained, pushing Shizuru’s finger aside and holding it lightly in her grip. “And don’t say it’s because you like my recess. I’ve heard that plenty.”
“Reaction,” corrected Shizuru affectionately, chuckling when Haruka grumbled at her. “I would answer but Haruka wouldn’t be pleased by my reply since she claims to have heard it plenty. I will say it is part of why I like Haruka exactly as she is.”
“Right,” said Haruka with a snort. She began to respond but her GEM lit up with a bright green glow and she stepped away from Shizuru, touching it lightly and the brunette heard her carry on a quiet conversation with Sara Gallagher. When she was finished, Haruka turned back to Shizuru and said, “I have to go. You’ll be okay, setting the room up?”
Some irrational part of Shizuru wanted to say she wouldn’t be. That she couldn’t cope alone but it would be a lie and Shizuru never lied to Haruka. Not since she had seen how devastated the blonde was by her lies when they were roommates at this academy. Back when she allowed Haruka to win in battles against her because she didn’t care and she thought it would make Haruka happy. It was then she learned how much honesty meant to the other woman and Shizuru promised to remain that way, rather than risk losing her friendship again. Which is why she shook her head, saying she would be fine. Watching Haruka as she exited, Shizuru was bitterly aware of how her new quarters were far less appealing than they had been just seconds before.
——
Ever since her sentence ended Haruka would go out once a week into Wind City with Sara. She wasn’t sure why the younger Otome insisted on it but Haruka had begun to enjoy the outings. During the twelve years of Yukino’s presidency they hadn’t many opportunities to go out and while they did have many romantic evenings at The Hexagon and Yukino’s house in Caeles it wasn’t the same. Haruka often longed for a sort of normalcy they would probably never achieve because of Yukino’s status as a former president and a member of a prestigious family in Aries. She wanted to spend time with her like she did on these trips with Sara, just wandering about the city, no particular plan in mind and just enjoying each other’s company.
It was too late though. Yukino was dead and Haruka never got to have those moments with her. But now she was here, with Sara, who was so like Yukino but different all the same. For some reason she didn’t think Yukino would have brought her to an art museum. It was too far flung from Haruka’s element and to be honest, Haruka had a frown on her face the minute she saw the building in front of her and realized Sara’s intent for them to go inside. Still, Sara had been good to her, taking care of her all these months, putting up with her foul moods, and the least she could do was look at some boring art for her.
When she stepped inside, Haruka was met with banners announcing an exhibit from Aries, featuring artists who came to popularity during their fight for independence against Artai. Looking to Sara with surprise, she was met with a soft smile from the other woman, slipping her arm through Haruka’s as she led her into the main hall where the exhibit was located.
“Growing up in Mar, I only got to see these in textbooks,” Sara revealed, walking with Haruka through the hall, pausing to study the famous statue of Anzai Chrysant. “You lived in Caeles for a few years. Did you ever visit the National Art Museum?”
Shaking her head no, Haruka looked to Sara with a sheepish expression. “I always fell asleep in class when they were talking about this stuff. Never was much interest to me,” she admitted. Looking up at the statue, she murmured, “It’s different now. I guess it’s growing older that does it? Makes things you found boring as a kid not so much when you’re an adult? I dunno,” she muttered, her face reddening slightly, studying the etched lines of Anzai’s face. “I know Yukino liked it.”
They walked slowly through the hall, inspecting the paintings and sculptures, conversing quietly on their homeland until Haruka’s stomach grumbled and her face turned dark red in a blush. Sara beamed at the older Otome, pulling her along with a fond cluck of her tongue, and saying it was past time for them to have their dinner. Purchasing food from a local street vendor they sat on a bench at the city park which had a direct view of the Windbloom University campus. Haruka’s eyes drifted over the scenery until they stopped on a tree she had sat under more than a few times with Yukino when they were attending school.
Haruka started to tell Sara this but stopped, a frown forming as she wondered if Sara ever got sick of it. Hearing so much about Yukino. This had gone on for over a year now and Haruka was amazed with the younger blonde’s patience. How she never got frustrated with her or really angry. At least, not in any way that Haruka found it the least bit threatening. She would get irritated at her moods, when she would doubt herself or have moments of self-loathing, but that was out of concern for her.
“What’s wrong?” asked Sara, her brow furrowing in concern on seeing Haruka’s frown. “You don’t like your food?”
There it was again. She was always worried about her. Haruka didn’t reply, simply stared at the other Otome, smiling when her wire rimmed glasses slipped down the bridge of her nose. Pushing them up, Haruka murmured, “Don’t you ever get tired? From worrying about me all the time? Hearing me talk about Yukino nonstop… it’s boring for you, isn’t it? You don’t have to lie.”
“It’s not boring,” Sara said this in a fierce exclamation, one that made Haruka smile and shake her head. “I’m not lying!”
“You’re too nice, you’ve always been too nice,” said Haruka affectionately. “I’ll try and stop it. I shouldn’t bother you so much. It’s not right, always going to you. I’ve monopod all your time.”
“Monopolized,” corrected Sara, a touch of annoyance in her voice. It wasn’t giving the correction that bothered her but Haruka thinking she felt that way. Something Sara found utterly ridiculous. She wanted to be with Haruka, she liked being with her, even when she was depressed and always reminiscing about Yukino. A sinking feeling took hold and she had to wonder if maybe this wasn’t Haruka being worried about taking up her time so much as Haruka just not needing her. After all, Shizuru had returned and Shizuru understood so much better than Sara what Haruka had lost. Maybe she just wasn’t good enough in comparison. People were often found lacking when placed against the Bewitching Smile Amethyst. “It’s because Shizuru is back, isn’t it? You rather talk to her about these things.” Keeping her gaze purposefully away from Haruka, trying to control the waver in her voice, Sara tried to force herself to sound cheerful. “I understand. She does know you better—”
“Sara Gallagher,” Haruka said her name in a murmur, fingers gentle on her jaw but still forcing her to turn so their eyes could meet. Once they did, Sara saw the frown Haruka was wearing had grown much deeper. “It’s got nothing to do with bubuzuke. I just thought maybe it’s selfish of me, always dumping so much on you.”
“You’re not,” said Sara strongly, shaking her head. “And I don’t mind. I like being with you, I like hearing these things.”
“That’s just you being too nice again,” said Haruka sardonically. “You can’t say it doesn’t get on your nerves, hearing me talk about the same stuff over and over. I know I’m doing it, that everything always goes back to Yukino, but I can’t help it. I was with her for so long, ever since we were kids, and it feels strange, not thinking about her so much. I’m not sure I could ever stop.”
“Then don’t stop,” said Sara quietly, reaching up to cover Haruka’s hand with her own. “Loving Yukino is a part of you, Haruka. I don’t want to change that and I don’t want you to have to think about what you say around me.” Her green eyes were bright and teasing as she continued, “I’m not sure you really could do that anyway.”
“I can think!” Haruka protested in a bluster.
“About what you say before you say it?” Sara teased, laughing when Haruka’s cheeks puffed out. “You’d probably just stop speaking to me in the end and I don’t want that. I like talking with you.”
For a few moments, Haruka was silent, simply observing Sara who became slightly self-conscious under her gaze, a blush tingeing her cheeks. She started to look away but Haruka touched her face and said, “I feel the same, you know? That’s why I was worried. But you’re easy to talk to. Always have been.”
“Haruka,” Sara said her name in a soft murmur.
“We should finish eating,” said Haruka, taking a large bite of her sandwich and swallowing it quickly. “Before our food gets cold.”
“Mou!” exclaimed Sara with a sigh, bumping her shoulder with Haruka’s. “You shouldn’t eat so fast. You’ll choke!”
Snorting at this Haruka put her food in her left hand and placed her right arm over Sara’s shoulder in a casual gesture. Giving the younger blonde a light squeeze, she said, “It’ll take more than sliced meat in between some bread to get rid of me.”
Her blush returning, Sara ducked her head, nodding in agreement before eating her meal in comfortable silence with Haruka. It never failed to please her, how the very simplest of things could make her happy whenever Haruka was involved.
——
Gazing out the windows of the Principal’s office had become something of a pastime for Shizuru. Doing it reminded her of Natsuki in a pleasant manner and she liked having this visual connection to the academy she was temporarily heading. Seeing with her own eyes the students, instructors, and employees going about their daily business. There was something fulfilling and relaxing in it and so looking out the windows had become Shizuru’s small breaks throughout her busy days. Turning in her chair and staring out over the grounds and the people residing on it.
Of course, sometimes her observations led her to see things Shizuru would rather not. This included the current scene she was fixated on, watching as Haruka said her goodbyes to Sara who was leaving for a brief mission in Cardair. Usually Shizuru sat in her comfortable chair, turning faintly from left to right, during her observations but as she gazed at Haruka and Sara she stood up, moving closer to the windows, a frown slowly forming with every moment that passed.
Sara was lecturing Haruka again, Shizuru could see it from the way she was speaking and wagging her finger at the older blonde, and she could visualize Haruka rolling her eyes in response before she saw her tug Sara’s cap down over her eyes. The blush Sara wore, Shizuru easily imagined, especially after Haruka pulled her in for a one armed hug and Shizuru clenched her hands into fists. There was a strange churning in her stomach, as if she was going to be ill, it was unfamiliar and unpleasant.
“Knock knock,” Nao’s sardonic drawl filled the air along with a loud rapping on the window and Shizuru jumped slightly, turning to look at the redhead. Smirking on finally having Shizuru’s attention, Nao tilted her head to one side and remarked, “I was starting to think you’d gone deaf in your old age, Shizuru.”
During the past few weeks Nao had slowly taken to referring to her without honorifics and Shizuru found she liked it. She didn’t want to be called Principal, that was Natsuki’s title, and being spoken to with any measure of politeness was just odd when it came to Nao. It didn’t suit her at all and Nao was the Column she had come to rely on the most other than Haruka. She enjoyed Nao’s blunt honesty, it reminded her of Midori, whom she had grown fond of in her time with Aswad.
“Nao’s taunts are most cruel,” said Shizuru with a pout, sitting in her chair and spinning away from the window. If she remained standing she would be tempted to watch more of Haruka and Sara’s goodbye and further incite Nao’s curiosity. That wouldn’t do.
“Gallagher and the General, huh?” said Nao thoughtfully, her fingers tapping out a pattern on the window. “They got tight while you were away. I thought maybe with you back they’d stop being joined at the hip but it doesn’t look like anything’s changed.” Shizuru didn’t reply, she focused on her desk, staring at the edges of her sentencing papers, hidden underneath the endless piles of work for Garderobe. She kept her gaze on them even as Nao sat on the edge of her desk, left hand spreading out over those papers, disturbing them so she could see more details of her sentence. “You don’t like it, do you?”
“Why would Nao say such a thing? I’m not a jealous person,” said Shizuru, forming her very best glittering smile. The one that had made countless men and women swoon in her presence but it had no effect on Nao who raised an eyebrow as her smirk grew that much larger. “I must say, I don’t understand what has Nao so entertained.”
“The Bewitching Smile Amethyst in denial is pretty damn funny,” Nao said glibly. When Shizuru opened her mouth, she waved her hands at her before leaning back on the desk and studying her features with a sly expression. “Don’t even try it. We both know you don’t like the General cozying up with Gallagher. My only question is why. Jealousy or friendly concern? And don’t say it can’t be jealousy, not when you’re the one who brought it up.”
Looking at Nao’s smirk which seemed permanently fixed on her face, Shizuru resigned herself to the fact that the other Column was entirely all too well suited to her assigned duties of espionage. She had an uncanny ability to read people. Even those who had worked their whole lives at hiding their true self under a mask of grace and charm like herself. “What does Nao know of their relationship?” she questioned quietly, almost imploring but held back by the pride Shizuru found impossible to abandon.
“They’re not dating,” said Nao carelessly, kicking her legs absently. “Gallagher wants to though. I doubt the General has a clue.”
“Haruka has never been especially observant in such matters,” murmured Shizuru, a tender feeling seized her on recalling how she had been the one to point out Haruka’s own romantic feelings for Yukino. Before her intervention Haruka had merely thought her emotions for Yukino were what one friend feels for another even though it was plain enough for everyone else to see. “Does Nao think she’s made any progress in getting Haruka to realize?”
“Beats me, I haven’t watched them that close,” said Nao and she studied the slight flicker of disappointment that moved over Shizuru’s features. “I could if you wanted,” she said, a devious glint forming in her eyes. “It’d be a fun distraction.”
There were a few seconds where Shizuru actually considered it then she immediately thought better of it. Even during her most desperate times as she tried to win over Natsuki she never contemplated spying on her. How could she do such a thing to her closest friend? It simply wasn’t right and while Shizuru knew she possessed far less of a moral code than most people it didn’t sit right with her and she eventually rejected the idea. “Nao is surprisingly sweet but I must refuse. If Haruka was ever to discover I did anything of that sort she would never forgive me and I couldn’t live with that,” Shizuru admitted quietly.
“You know the General started up with her because you were gone and Gallagher reminds her of the President,” said Nao, revealing the blunt honesty that Shizuru appreciated about her. She kicked her legs one last time and leapt off the desk, shoving her hands into the pockets of her pants. “I know Gallagher’s crazy about her. Has been for awhile. Anybody with two eyes who isn’t the General can figure that out but until the President died, she wasn’t anything but another Otome to the General.”
“But now that Yukino-san is gone?” prompted Shizuru.
“It’s like she got something of the President back, being with Gallagher,” said Nao with a shrug, walking out of the office. “But I’m not somebody to go nosing around in other people’s business. I just call things as I see them.”
“And how does Nao see this?” Shizuru questioned as Nao reached the door.
Pausing with her hand on the door handle, Nao turned around, a twisted smile on her features as she drawled, “It’s almost as fucked up as Nina obsessing over her father and we all know where that got us.”
With that said, Nao walked out the door and left Shizuru alone in her contemplation. Approaching Haruka would do no good. It was as Nao said, she hadn’t the slightest clue as to what was happening with Sara. The younger blonde though, she knew, she was too intelligent not to know and that meant she was allowing it to go on, allowing Haruka to exist in this degree of denial that wasn’t emotionally or psychologically healthy. And it was something Shizuru was now determined to stop.
——
The five Columns all had offices on the Garderobe campus but only the office for the 2nd Column was ever really used. As the Principal they were most often on campus and had the greatest number of administration and clerical duties. Nao and Haruka actively avoided their offices like the plague and as far as Shizuru was aware they were next to empty and gathering dust. While Sara was frequently traveling for her diplomatic duties as the 1st Column, she did make use of her office when she was at the academy. As the interim Principal, Shizuru knew the schedules of all her staff, and that being such she knew Sara would be back on Garderobe grounds late in the afternoon.
Using this knowledge, Shizuru appeared at Sara’s office, standing in the open doorway, her gaze fixed on the daisies sitting on the desk Sara resided at. Her eyes narrowing, Shizuru knocked on the door, smiling serenely when Sara lifted her head to look at her with a slight frown. “Sara is so often hard at work, it’s admirable,” said Shizuru, doing her best to charm.
“I’m just doing my job,” said Sara plainly and Shizuru knew with this response her attempt had failed. Putting her pen down and the frown increasing, Sara questioned, “Is there a problem, interim Principal?”
Flinching at this modified version of Natsuki’s title, Shizuru’s expression grew darker and she said, “Of course not. Why does Sara ask?”
“Because you never speak to me unless there’s a problem,” replied Sara, looking at Shizuru with keen observation.
“Ever so clever,” murmured Shizuru. She had forgotten somehow. How smart this woman could be. Shizuru wasn’t sure why she had forgotten. Not when it made her so very sure Sara knew what she was doing with Haruka. Stepping forward, she touched the petals of the daisies, aware of Sara jerking forward in her chair as she did so. “Haruka gave these to you, didn’t she?” Lifting her gaze, Shizuru continued, “It’s a habit she’s had for many years now except it was once for Yukino.”
“I know that,” Sara seemed to grind the words out, forcing them past her lips, as if it was painful.
“Does Sara also know that Haruka is trying to see Yukino in her?” pursued Shizuru, her words quiet but cutting in their truth. “That doing so makes Haruka feel less lonely? That Haruka imagines Yukino is not completely gone because of this?”
“I take it this means you’re not here on academy business,” said Sara with dry humor, removing her glasses and rubbing at her eyes. Suddenly appearing altogether weary.
“I’m here as a friend concerned for another friend,” said Shizuru honestly. She wasn’t at all comfortable with the idea that Haruka was trying to replace Yukino in any manner through her relationship with Sara. While it wasn’t as outwardly destructive as Shizuru’s own actions in Quang Bihn it had the same ramifications and would prevent the blonde from further recovering from her wife’s death. Shizuru couldn’t let such a thing go on, she was resolved to help Haruka as Haruka was helping her. “Sara is an intelligent person. There must have been moments when she saw evidence of Haruka trying see her as someone else.”
“Haruka knows I’m not the President,” said Sara, putting on her glasses and glaring at Shizuru.
“She knows but there are moments where she looks for Yukino in Sara and I think them to be often,” said Shizuru, moving her hand away from the daisies and folding her arms across her chest. “Sara must realize this isn’t healthy behavior.”
“And what do you want me to do?” asked Sara, her voice sharp and irritated.
“I want Sara to stop allowing Haruka to pretend such things. It would help if she could create a distance until Haruka was able to cease this habit on her own. She is most likely aware of it but unable to stop,” said Shizuru simply, offering a smile. Sara didn’t reply, instead she ducked her head, hands gripping her desk and turning white from the pressure, and Shizuru said this as kindly as she could manage, “Haruka will never be able to let go of Yukino’s death if things continue in this manner.”
“Like you’re over the Principal’s?” demanded Sara harshly, her head whipping up. Instantly, Shizuru’s face darkened and she tried to contain her rage, forcing back that red veil as Sara rose to her feet and met her gaze head on. “You come in here acting like you’re doing this for Haruka’s own good when it’s really about you. I’ve watched you since you came back and I know you don’t like how close I’ve gotten to Haruka. She’s the only one who you feel close to so you want her to feel the same about you but that’s not the truth because she’s got me. Maybe she does see Yukino in me, I’m not stupid, I know that, but I also know she sees who I am deep down and she likes me. So I don’t care what you say, I won’t give her up. I’m helping her.”
“Helping her by perpetuating her use of you? Her game of pretend?” Shizuru asked derisively. “Sara really doesn’t care of such things? It certainly cannot be good for her ego, knowing so much of Haruka’s time with her is occupied by thoughts of Yukino.”
“I’m sure you’re so concerned about me,” said Sara lightly, plopping back down in her chair. Looking up at Shizuru, the anger gone from her features, she said simply, “I’ve loved Haruka since I was fifteen years old. I’ll do whatever I can to help her. The rest of it doesn’t matter to me.” Her bright green eyes were painfully discerning as they gazed at Shizuru and she questioned, “What about you? What will you do?”
There were very few instances in Shizuru Viola’s life where she had to admit defeat. This was one of them and she wasn’t pleased with it in the least. Which is why her jaw clenched as she turned sharply on her heel, her back to Sara as she walked out the door, replying as she left, “What I must.”
To be continued...
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Nice update.
I'm a bit surprised they'd let Shizuru be president, tho.
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Still loving this very much. Glad we're starting to shake the angst off a teeny bit :)
Sincerely, Allaine
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Wooooooooooooooooooow.
Since it's the most simple, I'll start with this: I loved Nao's one-liners as ever. She's a breath of fresh air in any fic she's written in, and this one is no different.
That said, bravo to Sara. It wasn't quite how I imagined she'd come back at Shizuru, but yeah - stick to your guns, girl. You might be the ONLY person right now on this campus capable of making Shizuru realize what a crapface she's being! lol Everyone else she'd think they were being manipulative or wouldn't take them seriously. And with THAT said, now we have to find someone to knock her out of her what? 15-year crush? Ouch...
Good luck with this one!
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