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TITLE: Fragile Things
SERIES: My Otome
AUTHOR: Dreiser
EMAIL: dreiser7@yahoo.com
YAHOO ID: dreiser7
MY WEBSITE: http://www.dreiser.org/
CONTENT: F/F romance. F/F sex. Haruka/Shizuru.
WARNING: Major character deaths, angst, violence, and extreme situations.
SUMMARY: In a single moment of violence, those who matter most to Haruka Armitage and Shizuru Viola are lost. Together they try to restore the broken pieces of their lives and learn to exist without the person they love.
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing but my love of Shark Week on Discovery Channel.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Please read the warning again. There's a lot of violence in this chapter.
Fragile Things
By: Dreiser
Two
Haruka and Yukino spent most of their lives in the public eye because of their positions. It wasn't really possible for them to have much privacy but what little they did have they guarded fiercely. Their wedding was an example of this, a small and private affair with only close friends and family invited, and the guest list ending at fifty. While the reception was an enormous televised event that had thousands packed into the largest banquet hall in Aries. They didn't necessarily want such a large reception but it was something they had to do in order to prevent insulting foreign leaders and dignitaries as well as the politicians and important figures from Aries by not sending them invitations. Even the decision to televise the event was done to pacify the citizens who had shown an enormous interest in the wedding of their President and her Otome.
Because of this, Haruka wasn't surprised that Yukino's funeral and wake turned out exactly the same. The funeral was like their wedding, a small and private affair, for only friends and family, and the wake was a massive gathering in the city park for Caeles. Where there was already talk of creating a memorial statue of Yukino in the center square. Thousands came to mourn the death of a President whose immense popularity hadn't been matched in several decades. Haruka sat on that stage, looking at their tear filled eyes and their grief stricken faces, and she knew she was responsible. It was her job, her duty, her desire, to protect Yukino, to be keep her safe, to be with her always. And she had failed in every way possible. Yukino was dead because of her failure and she was sure they blamed her. She blamed herself, so why wouldn't they?
Giving speeches wasn't something Haruka was good at on her best day but giving one just a week after Yukino's death? She found it a near impossible task but she had to do it, she had to speak about Yukino, not because people expected it but because she wanted to. Haruka was the one who knew Yukino best. Yukino was more than just a politician to her, more than just a President, more than just an admired figure, she was the woman that Haruka loved, her best friend, the person who had been by her side since she was seven years old, and now she was gone.
They all looked at her differently now. Differently but the same. The same look of sympathy, the same look of worry, and she hated it. No one had ever looked at her that way before but they did now and she didn't deserve that look. It was false, she knew it was, it had to be. Where was the resentment? Where was the hatred? Where were all the feelings that Haruka had for herself? They were buried deep down in those peoples hearts who looked at her that way and she despised that they were hiding it from her. She wanted to see it, she needed to see it, to know someone else acknowledged her betrayal, her failure, but no one would.
Instead, they looked at her with that expression of sympathy and worry, filling her with loathing.
President Tarquin finished speaking and Haruka knew that was her signal, that she was to take his place at the podium. She would have to look at all those people she had failed and she clenched her fists, crumpling the speech in her hands. There was a buzzing in her ears and she felt dizzy and almost displaced but somehow she rose to her feet and walked across the stage. A sea of people looked up at her but it was quiet enough that you could have heard a pin drop and her chest felt constricted, like she was wrapped up in a binding that was being pulled tighter and tighter until she could barely breathe. Her hands wouldn't stop shaking as she pressed the crumpled speech onto the podium and smoothed it out. Seconds, minutes, hours, she didn't know how much time passed as she stared down at it. Then she lifted her head and looked out at everyone she failed and wondered how she could do this, how she could possibly explain what Yukino meant to her.
"Yukino," Haruka said her name in rough tones, barely scraping past her throat. She dropped her gaze, staring down at the speech, overwhelmed at everything that was there, everything that she felt but didn't know if she could say. Even though it was all laid out, all nice and neat and easily understood, she couldn't grasp how she could force herself to say it all. Just saying Yukino's name was too difficult, too painful, but to say all of this? To explain how she felt for Yukino, how she didn't want to exist without her? No, no, she couldn't do it. Shaking her head and crumpling the speech in her hands once again, ripping the paper under her nails, Haruka continued, "Yukino wanted the best for Aries and Earl. For people to have the best lives they could, for things to be right, for them to be fair."
People were crying. They had been crying before, during President Tarquin's speech, but they were crying more now. Or were they just crying louder? Either way they were crying and Haruka couldn't ignore it and she felt her own tears start to emerge but she blinked them back and swallowed hard and lifted her head, forcing herself to look out at the people of Aries. They were her people, they believed in her all these years, they put their faith in her to protect their President but in the end she let them down, she hadn't done her duty and she had to face that and them.
"Yukino got killed for doing that," Haruka said, her expression steely but there was misery in her eyes, plain for them all to see. "She got killed trying to protect everyone in Earl and I wasn't there." Her jaw set painfully and she grit her teeth, staring down at her ripped speech, there were only shreds of paper left in her hands, and that buzzing returned in her ears and it was all that she could hear. "I was supposed to protect her," Haruka rasped and she lost all awareness of the crowd of thousands, of the television cameras, of the fact that millions were watching her. All she knew was her own grief and guilt and it all came spilling out in an uncontrolled wave and there was nothing she could do to stop it. "I failed her," Haruka confessed in an utterance that held the barest trace of a sob and she heard the protests from the people and looked up and saw that expression she so hated. The one of sympathy and worry and she shook her head wildly, the tears spilling from her eyes, denying that look from her people, Yukino's people, didn't they understand that she failed her? Didn't they see it was all her fault? Her robe materialized without her calling for it and Haruka stepped back from the podium, her voice a whisper that somehow managed to reach them, "I failed you all."
That expression, they wore it as they watched her fly into the air, escaping the wake, trapped by her guilt and misery, leaving behind all those who loved her and never once held blame for her in their hearts.
---
For as long as Shizuru could remember people treated her like she was perfect. They believed this like it was some kind of irrefutable truth, even Natsuki believed this in the beginning, but it was nothing more than a belief. It wasn't fact, it wasn't reality, it was how they perceived her to be from the way she presented herself to the world, the mask she wore, the deception she put on, the act she performed. If she was as perfect as they all thought then she would have found them by now. Fidelus Altus, the terrorists who murdered her Natsuki, she looked for them constantly since Natsuki's death, barely sleeping, hardly eating, just doing enough to survive into the next day but it was useless.
Her tricks weren't working, all those clever methods, the things that Natsuki loved about her, the ones that made her trust Shizuru with so many missions without a second thought, they failed her time and time again in her search. She made sure she didn't look like herself, her hair, her clothes, were all different. They never suspected who they were speaking to until she materialized her robe and then she saw the fear in their eyes, the certainty they would die if they didn't give her the information she needed but it wasn't ever enough, what she learned. It never brought her any closer to those who murdered Natsuki and as hours turned into days and she still had no idea where they were she could feel herself slipping.
Fidelus Altus was gone, eluding her grasp, and was driving Shizuru to near madness.
Near, that was a lie, she was mad, she had lost what little remained of her mind, her humanity, her soul perhaps, when Natsuki was taken from her. People didn't understand it, they tried to talk to her, to reason. Nao of all people had attempted such a thing which told Shizuru the level of desperation there must have been. They felt sorry for her, Shizuru knew that, still they had some ridiculous hope she would return to who she was when Natsuki was alive, not realizing that person died with the Principal because it had been Natsuki and her love who sustained her existence.
Really, they were foolish, leaving her with a GEM.
Taking it away was the only method of revoking her powers as an Otome unless Fumi herself did it and so far that wasn't happening which made Shizuru think it never would. Nao didn't ask for her GEM though and neither had Sara. They just looked at her with those sad eyes and tried to comfort, tried to look for the person who she wasn't anymore, and Shizuru pitied them for it. Hoping for things that just weren't possible. The tears though, the ones Nao had shed, they were real as was the regret in her voice and the grief on her features but it didn't matter. Nao couldn't understand, no one could understand what she felt with the exception of Haruka.
Haruka loved Yukino as she loved Natsuki but Haruka didn't have a mask like she did. She was honest, guilelessly so, it was second nature for her to display emotions without artifice. Shizuru was different, she buried them away, she pretended they weren't there or they were something else entirely. Never allowing people to know what she honestly felt. Only Natsuki had gotten past that mask, beyond those walls, Natsuki was the one person that knew who she truly was and now she was dead.
And with her death it was as if Shizuru's only connection to humanity was severed. Certainly it felt that way. For so long Natsuki had been the reason behind all her actions, all her emotions, they all came back to Natsuki. She knew it wasn't healthy but she didn't care, it didn't matter to her because she had her Natsuki, didn’t she? That was all that counted but now? Her Natsuki had been murdered by small minded, selfish, men who couldn't see past their own greed to what she was trying to do for the world.
Shizuru swore she would kill them. It was what she lived for now, killing the ones who took Natsuki from her, and Shizuru wouldn't rest until she succeeded but her efforts had come to naught. She exhausted all her contacts, all her leads, but she hadn't gotten any closer to finding Fidelus Altus and the revenge, the one thing keeping her going, holding her puppet strings aloft, snapped under the pressure of this inescapable failure. Shizuru returned to the quarters she shared with Natsuki at Garderobe only to find herself overwhelmed. There were too many memories and mementos of their life together, and on seeing them that last piece of her, the part that had remained miraculously whole, finally shattered from the grief.
These things in this room, they should have been precious keepsakes of her Natsuki but instead they were terrible reminders, they silently taunted her, forcing Shizuru to confront the fact that the woman she loved was gone and would never return. She would never wear these clothes, never sleep in this bed, never use this brush, and it was the same as when she heard about Natsuki's death, there was a fog in her mind, a red veil falling over her eyes. Shizuru felt strangely disconnected from her body, as if she was very far away, observing it all and watching as she destroyed everything in her path. Everything that reminded her of what she could no longer have, everything that she had lost, until she collapsed amongst the wreckage, eyes dry because there were no more tears to shed, no emotions to have and hold, not with Natsuki gone and Shizuru stared into space, unable to track time as it passed. Just distantly registering the husky sound of someone saying her name.
There was the sound of the crushed furniture being moved and footsteps then there was a face in front of her. One that wasn't sad and sympathetic or even grief stricken, one instead that was hard and held a cold detachment, the sort that was reflected in green eyes that regarded her head on.
"Aswad's Leader," said Shizuru, her voice flat and lacking all emotion. "What do you want?"
"Viola," Midori returned in much the same tones, crouching in front of Shizuru. "I liked your Principal. She kept her promises, like the little Queen of Windbloom. I was sorry to hear of her death, she was a good friend to the Aswad while she lived and we will never forget that. I also regret the loss of the President of Aries. She was the rare honest person in a dishonest world."
"You came to tell me this," Shizuru said in something of a hiss, pushing herself to her feet, standing over the other woman, rage in her eyes. "You came to tell me what everyone says, Leader of the Aswad? What's the use in that? It won't bring my Natsuki back to me."
"Nothing can do that," said Midori bluntly, rising up and meeting Shizuru's eyes. "I'm here to say the Aswad always repay their debts and we owed one to your Principal." She paused, pulling out several folded pieces of paper from her pocket, handing them to Shizuru. "This is our repayment."
Pushing back the corners of the papers, looking through their pages, Shizuru saw familiar names and faces. They were nobles she had met, who had met Natsuki, and she saw locations, numerous places that covered all of Earl, she saw this and she felt herself tremble as she let herself have a moment of desperate hope this was what she wanted it to be. Her head jerked up and her eyes were wild and frantic, almost animalistic, and if this wasn't what she thought, if Aswad's Leader was deceiving her, giving her false expectations, Shizuru would kill her where she stood.
"This," Shizuru could barely push the word past her lips and her body, it wouldn't stop shaking, it felt as if she might vibrate out of her skin, and she could feel the papers crumpling in her grasp but she stopped herself. They had to be kept safe if they were what she thought. "What is this?"
"The names and locations of all the high ranking members of Fidelus Altus," said Midori who formed the most vicious sort of smile, the kind that spoke of bloodlust and revenge. Shizuru automatically returned it, her rust colored eyes red with the death she was imagining. "Our gift to you."
Seconds, minutes, hours, days, she searched for just a drop of this information and now it was before her in perfect little black and white words, easily read, easily understood, and Shizuru stared at those names, those faces, those places, and knew she would see every last one of them. She would see them and she would kill those who resided there, she would wipe away the existence of those who took Natsuki from her. It was all she had left to live for, this revenge, and if she could feel anything she knew she would feel a savage joy to know this. But there was nothing to feel, there had been nothing since they killed Natsuki, and Shizuru doubted there ever would be again.
"Forgiveness isn't a trait of the Aswad," Midori informed coolly and Shizuru looked up at her, observing the easy tilt of her head and the ruthless curl of her lips. "Blood for blood, blade for blade, that is our law."
"It's a good one," said Shizuru, mimicking that expression, her gaze manic with a horrifying glee, filled with the echoes of her misery and pain. Her robe materialized without her saying the words, the power surging through her body, and she looked down at the papers, knowing they would all die, that she would remove them from this world just as they removed her Natsuki but she had to know one thing first. "Who was it?" Shizuru asked, her voice trembling, and she could feel that disconnect happening again, she could feel the monster rising up inside of her. "Who planned it?"
"The first ten," replied Midori calmly, her finger moving over the names. "They're together in hiding. There's a remote castle in Artai, just beyond the highest mountain range, a land perpetually in the depths of winter. They're a band of cowards, each fearing the other would reveal their role in the attack and so they force themselves to remain as a group, pretending to share a brotherhood based on noble superiority." Midori's face transformed into an awful parody of happiness as she said, "I can take you there."
For some reason Shizuru's mind, crazed as it was, already focused on her revenge, turned to Haruka. She had seen footage of the wake, watched the other Otome fly off with that tortured expression on her face and she knew the blonde blamed herself for Yukino's death just as she blamed herself for Natsuki's. This was something that Haruka should be there for, hunting these killers down, bringing them to justice. Haruka had every right to be included, the sane part of Shizuru told her that, the tiny piece grasping onto her humanity, the part that she thought had long since been destroyed with Natsuki's death. And it was that part of her that made her hesitate and turn to Midori now.
"We must see Haruka," said Shizuru and she had some distant realization that was the first time she hadn't added an honorific. She always used it in the past to tease, to poke at the blonde, but she couldn't do that anymore. Not to the only person that Shizuru thought might actually understand what she felt in her loss of Natsuki. There was a kinship she felt to Haruka that she couldn't explain, even before this horror, but now that it had occurred, there was something else there. A darkness that tied her to the woman from Aries and while Shizuru didn't want to pursue the reasons she felt this way she knew she couldn't do this without Haruka. "She needs to be there."
"The General?" Midori questioned, surprise etched onto her features. "I didn't think you would want her involved. Despite her bluster and bravado she's a soft person. I doubt she has the stomach for this."
"We must see Haruka," Shizuru repeated and her eyes flashed at the redhead in warning. Midori dipped her head in concession, instinctively knowing not to argue with the Otome, that she was not in the mindset to hear dissenting opinions and perhaps never would be again.
---
It was strange, being in this house without Yukino. When the brunette graduated from Windbloom University she had been given the house as part of her inheritance from her grandmother. They hadn't ever really gotten a chance to live in it because by the time they were allowed to be together Yukino was in office as the President and the President of Aries always resided in quarters at The Hexagon, which is what they did for the twelve years of Yukino's presidency. Once she was out of office they retreated to the state of Mar, with its beaches and forests, only leaving to begin their long delayed honeymoon which was shortly interrupted by Natsuki announcing Haruka was chosen to be the next 5th Column.
Sitting on the couch, Haruka stared at the pictures on the wall. The photographs of herself and Yukino, of Yukino's family, of her family, and she knew logically they had a long life together. They had been together since she was seven, becoming a couple when she was sixteen, and now she was thirty six but it didn't seem anywhere near long enough. Her gaze dropped down to her wedding ring. It was simple yet intricate in its design, lacking the flashy gemstones that other women would have desired. Yukino had the ring made especially for Haruka out of karzanite, a metal indigenous to Aries, it was glittering and solid in its strength, engraved with the Chrysant family crest and motto.
To a valiant heart, nothing is impossible.
"I want you to marry me," Yukino had said, smiling sweetly at her, slipping the ring onto Haruka's finger. Logically she knew that the ring should be given at the wedding ceremony itself but Yukino wanted Haruka to have it right away. To see what she had made for her because it would further help to explain and express her feelings for the blonde. "I love you, Haruka-chan. You've always been my family and it should finally be official."
The Chrysants were a well respected family in Aries. They were a legacy, their ancestor Anzai Chrysant had helped to facilitate the great rebellion from Artai, freeing Aries from their grip and helping to create their nation in the process. He was one of their founders, bringing about the democratic political system that existed to this day and to wear the crest of his family, to see their motto etched onto the ring she wore, it gave Haruka a sense of pride that she couldn't ever properly explain. She had failed them though, failed this great and grand family, failed them by not protecting Yukino, failed them by not saving the woman she loved and Haruka could never forgive herself for that.
This ring, this house, this life, she didn't deserve it and Haruka didn't know what to do with herself. There was her duty as an Otome, as a Column, she supposed, but everything seemed so empty and pointless without Yukino by her side. It was as if she existed in a haze and nothing was solid in this state, nothing effected her, and Haruka hated it, she hated being this way, it was like giving up but what was left to fight for anymore?
A knock to the door and Haruka rose to answer it, not thinking, moving on instinct and habit, though she did feel some measure of surprise to see the figures of Shizuru and the Leader of the Aswad on her doorstep. "Shizuru," said Haruka. Her friend didn't look any better than she had when the blonde caught a glimpse of her on the television the day of the murders. That manic look was on her face and her eyes were on edge, glinting from obvious lack of sleep, and there was a sort of madness and grief that couldn't be reasoned with. "Come in."
Shizuru shook her head, then moved closer, leaving only a small space between them as she said, "Midori has found them." The brunette held up several pages of paper and Haruka moved her gaze to them then back to Shizuru. "We know where they are, Haruka. Fidelus Altus, the ones who killed my Natsuki and your Yukino, we know where all their leaders are." Lowering the papers, Shizuru seemed to get closer yet and there was an offering and a warning in her gaze as she said, "We're leaving now. Going after the ones who ordered the attack. Will you come?"
Going after them was the polite way to say it, the Shizuru way to say it, the old Shizuru maybe, this person in front of her most likely said it out of habit but Haruka knew what those polite words really meant. Shizuru was after blood and when they found those people, the ones who killed Natsuki and Yukino, they would kill them, and Haruka knew this would happen. She knew it the day she spoke with Cardinal at the site of the attack, when she looked at the smoldering wreckage and imagined the broken remains of the woman she loved. Haruka knew and she had wanted it to happen, she wanted Shizuru to kill them, and she wanted to be there when it took place and now that day had arrived.
Despite her status in the Aries army, being raised by parents in the military, having her entire life being one of a soldier, Haruka wasn't someone who considered herself particularly brutal. People died in war, they died in conflict, but Haruka never sought out revenge. She never went into battle intending to kill another human being. Killing not out of necessity in duty and self-preservation but rather out of pain and misery and terrible, insistent, vengeance that wouldn't allow her to be at rest until those who killed the person she loved were dead themselves. That being so, she hesitated on accompanying Shizuru for this mission even though she wanted and wished them dead. Then Yukino's face flashed in her mind and staring down at the wedding ring that shone brightly by the streetlight, Haruka knew her answer.
"Yes," Haruka said quiet and firm, lifting violet eyes and removing her wedding ring. She carefully stored it in her jacket pocket where it would be safe from any damage her robe might take in battle. Removing the ring had become a habit after mission where her injuries and carelessness almost caused her to lose it while she was in battle. With Yukino gone, Haruka couldn't bear losing it. This ring was the last important gift from the woman she loved. It was something to be treasured and needed to be kept safe always. "I'm with you, Shizuru."
That said, they took to the air, beginning the journey into the mountains of Artai and Haruka didn't know how many hours had passed when Midori flew closer to her, riding on the back of her slave, looking at her with a curious expression. "General," Midori said this in a respectful greeting. "Do not take this as an insult but I was surprised by you agreeing to join us. Your history suggests that you would have chosen otherwise."
"Soldiers don't carry out acts of revenge," muttered Haruka, the words of her father returning to her, and she wondered if he thought she would end up doing this and was trying to warn her away. It was impossible though. She couldn't ignore what they had done, she couldn't let it go, bury it under her military training, and force down her emotions. That had never been something she was good at and often got her into trouble with superiors in the army but that was who she was and Haruka knew the futility of trying to change essential pieces of yourself. Turning to Midori, a grim set to her jaw, Haruka replied, "Yukino wasn't a President to me. She was my wife. The normal rules don't apply."
Satisfied with this answer, Midori flew ahead and Haruka was by herself, the wind whipping in her face and the air growing colder the further they journeyed into Artai territory. She was used to this, the bitter cold, the endless snow, she had gone on countless missions in Artai as the Topaz due to their volatile relationship with Aries but she never did manage to stop hating it. There was a dismal feeling to this country, this land, a sense of death and despair and Haruka never did wonder why men who came from here attacked her country so. She almost felt as if their twisted ideals were born of this awful land that never produced anything but the harshest cold and countless miseries.
They flew through the snow, obscuring their vision, moving lower, through the trees to deflect it, though their shields helped some. Soon they came upon the sight of a castle in the distance, hidden in the mountains, flickering lights revealing the people within. Both Otome looked to Midori who gave a wicked smile and dipped her head, acknowledging that this was where they were hiding. Fidelus Altus, the ones who planned the attack, the ones who killed Natsuki and Yukino, and they fixed their eyes on their target, blood boiling and a wild sort of frenzy beginning to seize them.
Shizuru summoned her naginata and flew at the castle, transforming the double blades into a chain. She swung it through the air, cutting through the guards shooting at her, wincing as a bullet grazed her arm. In an elegant display, Shizuru destroyed the large drawbridge and declared their entrance into battle. There were guards everywhere with swords and guns but Shizuru dismissed them with a flick of her wrist, the chain cutting through the air and into their bodies, leaving only pieces of them to remain. It was then that Midori and Haruka arrived.
Midori grinned, taking in the carnage that Shizuru had wrought in just seconds and said, "They should be in the west tower. It's the most protected."
No acknowledge came from Shizuru, just her naginata changing back into the double blades in a movement of deadly grace, cutting through those who would block her path as if they were nothing more than insects underneath her boot. Something always happened to her when she was in battle. She tried to speak Natsuki about it once but stopped because she could see how it frightened the other woman. Shizuru never wanted to frighten, to distance herself from Natsuki, but all the same she wanted to understand it, to know if it was normal. This feeling of separation she always had, being outside herself, a total disconnect from her emotions, it was a strange sensation, as if she was a robot and put onto this automatic mode of operation, killing those who stood against her with little remorse because it was her duty. The way that Natsuki reacted, the fear and the worry, it told Shizuru it wasn't normal and she always suspected that but the look in Natsuki's eyes told her it was much worse than that.
It was then that Shizuru knew when it came to battle she became a monster.
There were no emotions to be had, not like Haruka, who became almost giddy, swept up in the excitement, in the challenge of the fight, Shizuru felt nothing at all, not even as she killed these men. She blinked, wiping away the blood that flew in her face, obscuring her vision and she flew through the corridors of the castle. Sixty eight, Shizuru noted, her naginata slicing through the belly of a guard who tried to surprise her as he jumped around the corner. That was how many she had killed so far but they were pawns, underlings, they weren't the ones who killed her Natsuki. The paper had their pictures and they didn't have magic to change their appearance so she knew she could find them. Haruka was following her, she could hear her shouts from behind and it was comforting somehow, to have her close. An odd fraction of normalcy.
Dizzying, that was this passage way, twisting and turning, and more and more soldiers came out of the woodwork and Shizuru knew they must be getting close. Haruka was closer behind her now and Shizuru looked back, watching her dispose of two of the guards and Shizuru wondered what Haruka must be feeling. The blonde wasn't like her, she had always been kinder, far more gentle and good than anyone gave her credit for, and she knew Haruka didn't lose herself in the battle like she did. Haruka didn't become a monster who had no grasp of good and evil and any sort of morality, Haruka knew who she was, even in gruesome moments like this, where they were slaughtering hundreds out of revenge. And Haruka would feel guilty about this but Shizuru never would, she never could, it wasn't in her to have emotions, not about this. Sometimes she thought she hadn't been born with emotions, that she was just given the ability to pretend, to act as if she did, and it was only Natsuki who allowed her to truly feel for the first time. But now Natsuki was gone and Shizuru didn't think she would ever feel anything again, other than misery and madness.
More guards, more traps, Shizuru moved through them all, her naginata changing into a chain, cutting through them all and she flew through the rain of blood and Haruka was shouting at her, she was shouting but Shizuru couldn't stop, she couldn't find out what Haruka wanted. Not now, they were much too close, she could sense it. Soon they would be with those who killed her Natsuki and she would have her revenge.
Shouldn't she be feeling something? Shizuru wondered. Even when she never did, shouldn't this be different? She had been wanting this since the moment she knew Fidelus Altus killed Natsuki. It was all she wanted, for each and every member of this organization to perish by her hand, for them to suffer as she did, for them to suffer as Natsuki had. But there was nothing. There was no terrible joy from their deaths, just that same feeling of detachment and it made Shizuru rage inside. This should give her something, some measure of relief, something to ease the pain of losing Natsuki. When they came upon twenty more guards, Shizuru screamed out, slicing their heads off and watching with a mad sort of glee as they flew through the air as she broke down the door to the west tower.
All ten of their faces were burned into her mind, Shizuru would never forget them, they would forever be linked to Natsuki, for they were the ones who took her away and floating in that room, naginata in hand, blood dripping onto the floor, she saw them all now. Part of her wondered at the idiocy of it, all of them staying together in the same place. Didn't they know this made it that much easier for her to kill them? Or perhaps they wanted to die together, in some ridiculous attempt at brotherhood, their farcical bond as nobles. Shizuru sneered at the thought.
Begging, they were begging for their lives, these men who killed her Natsuki, and Shizuru didn't reply. She simply changed her element from its chain form back into the double blades and she held it in her hand, landing on the ground and taking a single step forward. One of them pulled out a gun and she formed a vicious smile, tilting her head to one side, feeling the faint breeze as the bullet passed through her hair and she brought her arm forward in an easy stroke, just a light flick of her hand really, and watched with terrifying satisfaction as his head fell to the ground. They were screaming now and more guns were brought out but Haruka was in the room and her axe extended, slicing through the guns and as she did this, Shizuru killed more of them, stabbing them through their stomachs and slicing upwards, delighting in the sickening gurgle they produced.
Haruka was shouting again. The blonde had always been loud but this was much louder than Shizuru was used to and Haruka was telling her to stop but how could she stop? There were still others left to kill. Three to be exact, three of them left, three men left who killed her Natsuki and she knew one of the ten had been killed by Haruka, the other Otome had done it when they tried to shoot her, she had seen it, and Shizuru wondered if Haruka felt anything when she did it because Shizuru still didn't. There was nothing, not even a monstrous joy, there was something distant, a small sort of relief they were dead but there was no happiness to be had, not while Natsuki was dead.
The shouting had turned into pleading, Haruka was pleading with her, and Shizuru looked at her but she didn't see her, she just saw the men behind her, cowering for their lives, their weapons destroyed and the fear on their faces. They thought Haruka would save them and she could see the disgust on the blonde's features at this. Shizuru shoved past her, raising her naginata and cutting into one of them, leaving only two, and she watched him scream out as she twisted the blades into him. Haruka was pulling at her arm and shouting she would end this and Shizuru wasn't listening, she was watching him die, watching and wondering what it had been like when Natsuki died. Hoping it wasn't like this, that it had been fast and painless and she knew she couldn't let him die peacefully as her Natsuki did and she forced the blades in deeper.
Bricks were falling, Shizuru realized, and she turned to Haruka, screaming in furious indignation upon seeing the head of axe smashed through the castle floor. Haruka was collapsing the building, she was allowing them a death far less horrible than what Shizuru imagined and wanted and she wouldn't allow it, she couldn't, and she turned to the others, preparing to cut them down. But there was a pressure at the back of her head and she felt her vision swimming into darkness and her body held in surprisingly soft arms and it was like Natsuki was with her again except the hair fluttering in her face, it wasn't black, it was blonde and Shizuru knew it wasn't her Natsuki.
It would never be her Natsuki.
"Thank you," one of the nobles said, his voice shaking and his features pale. Haruka glared at him, faintly aware of Midori entering the room, riding on her slave.
"Don't thank me," Haruka said, her voice full of disgust, and there was a grim finality on her face as she shifted Shizuru in her arms, treating her as if she was delicate china and not a woman who had killed well over a hundred men in just a matter of minutes. "You're still going to die."
Then she flew off the ground, lifting her axe and collapsing the ceiling, grimacing at their screams as the weight of hundreds of bricks fell on them, crushing their bodies as she escaped into the night sky, Midori on her tail. They remained there, looking down at the crumbling castle that Haruka had destroyed with the swing of her axe, and she knew that Yukino wouldn't approve of what she had just done. The problem was, Yukino wasn't here anymore and she couldn't tell her these things were wrong. Haruka could feel herself deteriorating, losing her morals, her beliefs, and she hated it, she hated it as much as she hated her own feeling of worthlessness at Yukino's death, but this was all she had now.
"She won't be pleased," Midori remarked casually, floating closer to Haruka, who turned to the other woman with a blank expression. "I think she wanted to kill each of them personally."
"Maybe," said Haruka with a snort, cradling Shizuru closer, and looking down at her features. Even unconscious they were troubled, lines on her brow, her lips turned into a frown, and she had the strange urge to wipe them away. "But I'm not letting bubuzuke take all the blame. When she snaps out of this she'll hate herself but now it's not just her, is it? I killed them too and she won't be alone in this."
"It isn't the same, General," said Midori and if Haruka didn't know the woman better she could have sworn there was a touch of empathy in her tones. "You saw the way she killed those men and what you did is nowhere close in comparison."
"They're still dead," said Haruka, looking at Midori with narrowed eyes. Releasing a sigh and shrugging her shoulders, Midori relented and Haruka frowned, muttering an apology which the redhead easily accepted. They began a slow flight away from Artai, through a far more mild snowstorm, and Haruka looked to Midori and questioned, "Can we stay with you until this is finished?"
Returning to Aries or Windbloom simply wasn't smart. There was no evidence that they were responsible for the attack on the castle, the deaths of all those people, but Haruka knew her fellow Columns weren't stupid and they would soon figure out it was their doing. If they were to go to either country they would be quickly tracked down and that wasn't something they could allow. Not when so much more had to be done. Haruka instinctively knew that Shizuru wouldn't be satisfied until every name on that list was taken care of and as much as she hated what happened tonight, seeing how those men died, being a part of such brutal deaths, she couldn't leave Shizuru to do it alone. Not when they both lost someone in that attack, not when they both understood the pain and misery it caused, and not when it was her friend who was suffering.
"The Aswad always welcomes powerful allies," said Midori simply and Haruka dipped her head in thanks.
The rest of their flight was silent, passing through Artai into Cardair, and further into the Black Valley. Things looked so different, a desert wasteland transformed into an oasis but security was just as tight as it ever was, Midori saying a phrase, low and mumbled, momentarily disarming the barrier shield around the large compound that was the Aswad's new home. Once they landed they were swarmed with well wishers who said little but looked at them with solemn and respectful eyes, watching as Midori led them to their new quarters, safe from inquisitive onlookers.
Gently placing Shizuru down on one bed and sitting down on the other, Haruka stared at the brunette. Shizuru would be angry when she woke up. Furious, in fact, but Haruka knew she had done the right thing. She couldn't let Shizuru kill them all, take all the blame, all the responsibility, not when she wanted them dead just as much and it wouldn't be fair, to let Shizuru shoulder that burden alone, not when they wanted the same awful thing. Staring at her hands, realizing they had killed not out of self-defense, not out of duty, but out of an uncontrolled desire for revenge, they felt dirty to Haruka. Sticky and soiled and she was curious if that feeling would ever pass. The cynical side of her didn't think so.
---
Shizuru woke to an unfamiliar room and unfamiliar sounds and she was in that place between sleep and waking when your mind is muddled. Her eyes fell onto a blue jacket resting over the back of a chair. Close in color, close in design, so close to one she knew well. "Natsuki," Shizuru murmured, her voice broken but a desperate hope clinging to it.
Then the door opened and she saw Haruka, bruised and bandaged, and she remembered her Natsuki was dead. Shizuru hated this, hated remembering each time she woke, she hated her dreams for making her think otherwise because it made reality that much worse. It was why she didn't sleep much anymore. An easy way to avoid the pain of waking from these dreams where Natsuki was still alive. Getting out of bed, it all returned to her, the battle and those men. There were two of them left, two who killed her Natsuki and she wanted to finish them off but Haruka had stopped her. Shizuru felt a rage rise up in her, one that hadn't been equaled since she learned of Natsuki's death and she growled Haruka's name, eyes narrowing as the blonde calmly shut the door, leaving them alone.
"You saved them," Shizuru accused, flexing her fingers and she felt her element emerge into her hands as she stepped closer to Haruka. "You saved the ones who killed my Natsuki. I was going to finish them, kill them as they begged for their lives but you stopped me. Why would you do that?"
"I didn't save anybody," said Haruka stubbornly and her eyes were dark. "I knocked you out and then I killed them. Collapsed that damn castle on their heads and crushed them under a ton of rocks."
"I wanted to see them all die," Shizuru hissed and she rested the tip of her naginata at Haruka's chin. "Why take that from me?"
Staring at the naginata and frowning deeply, Haruka shoved it away and stared Shizuru down. "You're not the only one who lost somebody," she said gruffly. "Yukino died too, you know. I wanted them gone just as much and maybe I wanted to cause it. What about that?"
There was a stillness in Shizuru's mind on hearing this and a strange sort of calm swept over her. It wasn't like before, when Natsuki was alive, there wasn't that crystal clarity of her emotions and her mind, but the raging inside her had ceased and she could hear her own thoughts again. The disconnect had left her and it felt as if she was seeing Haruka for the first time in years.
"Haruka," Shizuru murmured her name in just a whisper, her expression forlorn, unable to say anything more.
"We both lost somebody," Haruka continued, shoving her hands into the pockets of her pants, and looking at Shizuru plaintively. "I don't want you to do this alone. You don't have to. I want to be there with you. I'm not stupid," Haruka cut off whatever Shizuru was going to say next, most likely a denial she would hunt the rest of the people on the list. "I know you're going after them and I want to be there. I need it," Haruka said this in a mumble, her face darkening, and Shizuru could see the pain there, the self-hatred, and she knew where it came from. She knew how Haruka blamed herself for Yukino's death just as she blamed herself for Natsuki's. "It won't be right otherwise."
"I'm going to kill them," said Shizuru simply. "You can't stop me again."
"I know," said Haruka and there was an acceptance on her face but a sadness as well. "It's inimical."
A smile formed on her lips before she could help it and Shizuru chuckled, tilting her head to one side as she said, "Inevitable." When Haruka blinked at her, the smile grew wider and Shizuru stepped closer, curling a lock of blonde hair around her finger. "Haruka meant to say it's inevitable."
"Oh," Haruka muttered, a blush on her cheeks, embarrassed at her habit of mixing up words, even in serious times such as these. It was nice though, having Shizuru correct her, it reminded her of Yukino and as much as it hurt it was nice as well because it was from happier times, better times than these, ones that Haruka never wanted to forget. "Bubuzuke," she said quietly, turning Shizuru's attention to her, putting their faces closer together and making Haruka's face turn redder yet. "We're with the Aswad. I figured it's not safe, going back to Aries or Windbloom while we're doing this. You know Sara and Nao, they're not going to like it, and Fumi-sama might revoke our ability to materialize--"
"The Founder would have done that immediately if she was going to do it at all," said Shizuru calmly, stepping away from Haruka and removing the papers she had safely hidden in her pants pocket. She wondered why the blonde hadn't taken them but she realized as much as Haruka said she needed to be a part of this, to see them gone, she didn't want to have these people carried with her, these people who wanted the women they loved dead. Looking about the room, she saw a pen on the desk and crossing over to it, she drew lines through the first ten names. There were fifty seven left, fifty seven people to kill, fifty seven who commanded cells for Fidelus Altus, fifty seven who plotted, who murdered, fifty seven who would have killed her Natsuki just like the ten who were disposed of last night. This wouldn't end until they were dead. Folding the papers in her hands, she put them back into her pocket and looked to Haruka. "You don't have to do this. I can manage on my own."
"No," Haruka shook her head, an obstinate look on her features. "We both lost somebody and we're doing this together." Shizuru simply stared at her, no expression on her face, and it disturbed Haruka, making her move forward. She reached out to the other Otome, holding her hands and looking into her eyes, trying to find something of her old friend in there, something left to hope for. "You're the only one who knows," Haruka said in a painful mutter, squeezing her hands tighter, and stepping closer yet. "You're the only one who knows what it feels like. I won't let you do this alone. Not when you're the only one who understands. Like I said, it wouldn't be right."
Dropping her head, Shizuru's eyes fixed on Haruka's wedding ring, glittering even in the darkness of this room, and she murmured, "I wanted a ring that had a jewel the color of Natsuki's eyes when we were married. That way I could look at it and see her always."
"Shizuru," Haruka held her face and wiped at tears Shizuru didn't even know she had shed until this moment.
She hadn't cried before this, she couldn't cry. Not while she had been consumed by the rage and the need to kill those who murdered her Natsuki. Now those men were dead. Only their colleagues remained and Shizuru felt the rage recede just a little, just enough for these tears to emerge. She was sobbing now, her head buried in the crook of Haruka's neck as she felt the misery and the grief fall over her like a tidal wave. The blonde held her close, never letting her go, weathering through the storm of her emotions. Shizuru clung to her, holding onto the only solid thing she had left in her life, the only real thing. Though she believed she would never feel happiness or love while her Natsuki was dead, there was still a strange comfort in this moment and it was all because of Haruka.
Because she understood.
To be continued...
SERIES: My Otome
AUTHOR: Dreiser
EMAIL: dreiser7@yahoo.com
YAHOO ID: dreiser7
MY WEBSITE: http://www.dreiser.org/
CONTENT: F/F romance. F/F sex. Haruka/Shizuru.
WARNING: Major character deaths, angst, violence, and extreme situations.
SUMMARY: In a single moment of violence, those who matter most to Haruka Armitage and Shizuru Viola are lost. Together they try to restore the broken pieces of their lives and learn to exist without the person they love.
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing but my love of Shark Week on Discovery Channel.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Please read the warning again. There's a lot of violence in this chapter.
Fragile Things
By: Dreiser
Two
Haruka and Yukino spent most of their lives in the public eye because of their positions. It wasn't really possible for them to have much privacy but what little they did have they guarded fiercely. Their wedding was an example of this, a small and private affair with only close friends and family invited, and the guest list ending at fifty. While the reception was an enormous televised event that had thousands packed into the largest banquet hall in Aries. They didn't necessarily want such a large reception but it was something they had to do in order to prevent insulting foreign leaders and dignitaries as well as the politicians and important figures from Aries by not sending them invitations. Even the decision to televise the event was done to pacify the citizens who had shown an enormous interest in the wedding of their President and her Otome.
Because of this, Haruka wasn't surprised that Yukino's funeral and wake turned out exactly the same. The funeral was like their wedding, a small and private affair, for only friends and family, and the wake was a massive gathering in the city park for Caeles. Where there was already talk of creating a memorial statue of Yukino in the center square. Thousands came to mourn the death of a President whose immense popularity hadn't been matched in several decades. Haruka sat on that stage, looking at their tear filled eyes and their grief stricken faces, and she knew she was responsible. It was her job, her duty, her desire, to protect Yukino, to be keep her safe, to be with her always. And she had failed in every way possible. Yukino was dead because of her failure and she was sure they blamed her. She blamed herself, so why wouldn't they?
Giving speeches wasn't something Haruka was good at on her best day but giving one just a week after Yukino's death? She found it a near impossible task but she had to do it, she had to speak about Yukino, not because people expected it but because she wanted to. Haruka was the one who knew Yukino best. Yukino was more than just a politician to her, more than just a President, more than just an admired figure, she was the woman that Haruka loved, her best friend, the person who had been by her side since she was seven years old, and now she was gone.
They all looked at her differently now. Differently but the same. The same look of sympathy, the same look of worry, and she hated it. No one had ever looked at her that way before but they did now and she didn't deserve that look. It was false, she knew it was, it had to be. Where was the resentment? Where was the hatred? Where were all the feelings that Haruka had for herself? They were buried deep down in those peoples hearts who looked at her that way and she despised that they were hiding it from her. She wanted to see it, she needed to see it, to know someone else acknowledged her betrayal, her failure, but no one would.
Instead, they looked at her with that expression of sympathy and worry, filling her with loathing.
President Tarquin finished speaking and Haruka knew that was her signal, that she was to take his place at the podium. She would have to look at all those people she had failed and she clenched her fists, crumpling the speech in her hands. There was a buzzing in her ears and she felt dizzy and almost displaced but somehow she rose to her feet and walked across the stage. A sea of people looked up at her but it was quiet enough that you could have heard a pin drop and her chest felt constricted, like she was wrapped up in a binding that was being pulled tighter and tighter until she could barely breathe. Her hands wouldn't stop shaking as she pressed the crumpled speech onto the podium and smoothed it out. Seconds, minutes, hours, she didn't know how much time passed as she stared down at it. Then she lifted her head and looked out at everyone she failed and wondered how she could do this, how she could possibly explain what Yukino meant to her.
"Yukino," Haruka said her name in rough tones, barely scraping past her throat. She dropped her gaze, staring down at the speech, overwhelmed at everything that was there, everything that she felt but didn't know if she could say. Even though it was all laid out, all nice and neat and easily understood, she couldn't grasp how she could force herself to say it all. Just saying Yukino's name was too difficult, too painful, but to say all of this? To explain how she felt for Yukino, how she didn't want to exist without her? No, no, she couldn't do it. Shaking her head and crumpling the speech in her hands once again, ripping the paper under her nails, Haruka continued, "Yukino wanted the best for Aries and Earl. For people to have the best lives they could, for things to be right, for them to be fair."
People were crying. They had been crying before, during President Tarquin's speech, but they were crying more now. Or were they just crying louder? Either way they were crying and Haruka couldn't ignore it and she felt her own tears start to emerge but she blinked them back and swallowed hard and lifted her head, forcing herself to look out at the people of Aries. They were her people, they believed in her all these years, they put their faith in her to protect their President but in the end she let them down, she hadn't done her duty and she had to face that and them.
"Yukino got killed for doing that," Haruka said, her expression steely but there was misery in her eyes, plain for them all to see. "She got killed trying to protect everyone in Earl and I wasn't there." Her jaw set painfully and she grit her teeth, staring down at her ripped speech, there were only shreds of paper left in her hands, and that buzzing returned in her ears and it was all that she could hear. "I was supposed to protect her," Haruka rasped and she lost all awareness of the crowd of thousands, of the television cameras, of the fact that millions were watching her. All she knew was her own grief and guilt and it all came spilling out in an uncontrolled wave and there was nothing she could do to stop it. "I failed her," Haruka confessed in an utterance that held the barest trace of a sob and she heard the protests from the people and looked up and saw that expression she so hated. The one of sympathy and worry and she shook her head wildly, the tears spilling from her eyes, denying that look from her people, Yukino's people, didn't they understand that she failed her? Didn't they see it was all her fault? Her robe materialized without her calling for it and Haruka stepped back from the podium, her voice a whisper that somehow managed to reach them, "I failed you all."
That expression, they wore it as they watched her fly into the air, escaping the wake, trapped by her guilt and misery, leaving behind all those who loved her and never once held blame for her in their hearts.
---
For as long as Shizuru could remember people treated her like she was perfect. They believed this like it was some kind of irrefutable truth, even Natsuki believed this in the beginning, but it was nothing more than a belief. It wasn't fact, it wasn't reality, it was how they perceived her to be from the way she presented herself to the world, the mask she wore, the deception she put on, the act she performed. If she was as perfect as they all thought then she would have found them by now. Fidelus Altus, the terrorists who murdered her Natsuki, she looked for them constantly since Natsuki's death, barely sleeping, hardly eating, just doing enough to survive into the next day but it was useless.
Her tricks weren't working, all those clever methods, the things that Natsuki loved about her, the ones that made her trust Shizuru with so many missions without a second thought, they failed her time and time again in her search. She made sure she didn't look like herself, her hair, her clothes, were all different. They never suspected who they were speaking to until she materialized her robe and then she saw the fear in their eyes, the certainty they would die if they didn't give her the information she needed but it wasn't ever enough, what she learned. It never brought her any closer to those who murdered Natsuki and as hours turned into days and she still had no idea where they were she could feel herself slipping.
Fidelus Altus was gone, eluding her grasp, and was driving Shizuru to near madness.
Near, that was a lie, she was mad, she had lost what little remained of her mind, her humanity, her soul perhaps, when Natsuki was taken from her. People didn't understand it, they tried to talk to her, to reason. Nao of all people had attempted such a thing which told Shizuru the level of desperation there must have been. They felt sorry for her, Shizuru knew that, still they had some ridiculous hope she would return to who she was when Natsuki was alive, not realizing that person died with the Principal because it had been Natsuki and her love who sustained her existence.
Really, they were foolish, leaving her with a GEM.
Taking it away was the only method of revoking her powers as an Otome unless Fumi herself did it and so far that wasn't happening which made Shizuru think it never would. Nao didn't ask for her GEM though and neither had Sara. They just looked at her with those sad eyes and tried to comfort, tried to look for the person who she wasn't anymore, and Shizuru pitied them for it. Hoping for things that just weren't possible. The tears though, the ones Nao had shed, they were real as was the regret in her voice and the grief on her features but it didn't matter. Nao couldn't understand, no one could understand what she felt with the exception of Haruka.
Haruka loved Yukino as she loved Natsuki but Haruka didn't have a mask like she did. She was honest, guilelessly so, it was second nature for her to display emotions without artifice. Shizuru was different, she buried them away, she pretended they weren't there or they were something else entirely. Never allowing people to know what she honestly felt. Only Natsuki had gotten past that mask, beyond those walls, Natsuki was the one person that knew who she truly was and now she was dead.
And with her death it was as if Shizuru's only connection to humanity was severed. Certainly it felt that way. For so long Natsuki had been the reason behind all her actions, all her emotions, they all came back to Natsuki. She knew it wasn't healthy but she didn't care, it didn't matter to her because she had her Natsuki, didn’t she? That was all that counted but now? Her Natsuki had been murdered by small minded, selfish, men who couldn't see past their own greed to what she was trying to do for the world.
Shizuru swore she would kill them. It was what she lived for now, killing the ones who took Natsuki from her, and Shizuru wouldn't rest until she succeeded but her efforts had come to naught. She exhausted all her contacts, all her leads, but she hadn't gotten any closer to finding Fidelus Altus and the revenge, the one thing keeping her going, holding her puppet strings aloft, snapped under the pressure of this inescapable failure. Shizuru returned to the quarters she shared with Natsuki at Garderobe only to find herself overwhelmed. There were too many memories and mementos of their life together, and on seeing them that last piece of her, the part that had remained miraculously whole, finally shattered from the grief.
These things in this room, they should have been precious keepsakes of her Natsuki but instead they were terrible reminders, they silently taunted her, forcing Shizuru to confront the fact that the woman she loved was gone and would never return. She would never wear these clothes, never sleep in this bed, never use this brush, and it was the same as when she heard about Natsuki's death, there was a fog in her mind, a red veil falling over her eyes. Shizuru felt strangely disconnected from her body, as if she was very far away, observing it all and watching as she destroyed everything in her path. Everything that reminded her of what she could no longer have, everything that she had lost, until she collapsed amongst the wreckage, eyes dry because there were no more tears to shed, no emotions to have and hold, not with Natsuki gone and Shizuru stared into space, unable to track time as it passed. Just distantly registering the husky sound of someone saying her name.
There was the sound of the crushed furniture being moved and footsteps then there was a face in front of her. One that wasn't sad and sympathetic or even grief stricken, one instead that was hard and held a cold detachment, the sort that was reflected in green eyes that regarded her head on.
"Aswad's Leader," said Shizuru, her voice flat and lacking all emotion. "What do you want?"
"Viola," Midori returned in much the same tones, crouching in front of Shizuru. "I liked your Principal. She kept her promises, like the little Queen of Windbloom. I was sorry to hear of her death, she was a good friend to the Aswad while she lived and we will never forget that. I also regret the loss of the President of Aries. She was the rare honest person in a dishonest world."
"You came to tell me this," Shizuru said in something of a hiss, pushing herself to her feet, standing over the other woman, rage in her eyes. "You came to tell me what everyone says, Leader of the Aswad? What's the use in that? It won't bring my Natsuki back to me."
"Nothing can do that," said Midori bluntly, rising up and meeting Shizuru's eyes. "I'm here to say the Aswad always repay their debts and we owed one to your Principal." She paused, pulling out several folded pieces of paper from her pocket, handing them to Shizuru. "This is our repayment."
Pushing back the corners of the papers, looking through their pages, Shizuru saw familiar names and faces. They were nobles she had met, who had met Natsuki, and she saw locations, numerous places that covered all of Earl, she saw this and she felt herself tremble as she let herself have a moment of desperate hope this was what she wanted it to be. Her head jerked up and her eyes were wild and frantic, almost animalistic, and if this wasn't what she thought, if Aswad's Leader was deceiving her, giving her false expectations, Shizuru would kill her where she stood.
"This," Shizuru could barely push the word past her lips and her body, it wouldn't stop shaking, it felt as if she might vibrate out of her skin, and she could feel the papers crumpling in her grasp but she stopped herself. They had to be kept safe if they were what she thought. "What is this?"
"The names and locations of all the high ranking members of Fidelus Altus," said Midori who formed the most vicious sort of smile, the kind that spoke of bloodlust and revenge. Shizuru automatically returned it, her rust colored eyes red with the death she was imagining. "Our gift to you."
Seconds, minutes, hours, days, she searched for just a drop of this information and now it was before her in perfect little black and white words, easily read, easily understood, and Shizuru stared at those names, those faces, those places, and knew she would see every last one of them. She would see them and she would kill those who resided there, she would wipe away the existence of those who took Natsuki from her. It was all she had left to live for, this revenge, and if she could feel anything she knew she would feel a savage joy to know this. But there was nothing to feel, there had been nothing since they killed Natsuki, and Shizuru doubted there ever would be again.
"Forgiveness isn't a trait of the Aswad," Midori informed coolly and Shizuru looked up at her, observing the easy tilt of her head and the ruthless curl of her lips. "Blood for blood, blade for blade, that is our law."
"It's a good one," said Shizuru, mimicking that expression, her gaze manic with a horrifying glee, filled with the echoes of her misery and pain. Her robe materialized without her saying the words, the power surging through her body, and she looked down at the papers, knowing they would all die, that she would remove them from this world just as they removed her Natsuki but she had to know one thing first. "Who was it?" Shizuru asked, her voice trembling, and she could feel that disconnect happening again, she could feel the monster rising up inside of her. "Who planned it?"
"The first ten," replied Midori calmly, her finger moving over the names. "They're together in hiding. There's a remote castle in Artai, just beyond the highest mountain range, a land perpetually in the depths of winter. They're a band of cowards, each fearing the other would reveal their role in the attack and so they force themselves to remain as a group, pretending to share a brotherhood based on noble superiority." Midori's face transformed into an awful parody of happiness as she said, "I can take you there."
For some reason Shizuru's mind, crazed as it was, already focused on her revenge, turned to Haruka. She had seen footage of the wake, watched the other Otome fly off with that tortured expression on her face and she knew the blonde blamed herself for Yukino's death just as she blamed herself for Natsuki's. This was something that Haruka should be there for, hunting these killers down, bringing them to justice. Haruka had every right to be included, the sane part of Shizuru told her that, the tiny piece grasping onto her humanity, the part that she thought had long since been destroyed with Natsuki's death. And it was that part of her that made her hesitate and turn to Midori now.
"We must see Haruka," said Shizuru and she had some distant realization that was the first time she hadn't added an honorific. She always used it in the past to tease, to poke at the blonde, but she couldn't do that anymore. Not to the only person that Shizuru thought might actually understand what she felt in her loss of Natsuki. There was a kinship she felt to Haruka that she couldn't explain, even before this horror, but now that it had occurred, there was something else there. A darkness that tied her to the woman from Aries and while Shizuru didn't want to pursue the reasons she felt this way she knew she couldn't do this without Haruka. "She needs to be there."
"The General?" Midori questioned, surprise etched onto her features. "I didn't think you would want her involved. Despite her bluster and bravado she's a soft person. I doubt she has the stomach for this."
"We must see Haruka," Shizuru repeated and her eyes flashed at the redhead in warning. Midori dipped her head in concession, instinctively knowing not to argue with the Otome, that she was not in the mindset to hear dissenting opinions and perhaps never would be again.
---
It was strange, being in this house without Yukino. When the brunette graduated from Windbloom University she had been given the house as part of her inheritance from her grandmother. They hadn't ever really gotten a chance to live in it because by the time they were allowed to be together Yukino was in office as the President and the President of Aries always resided in quarters at The Hexagon, which is what they did for the twelve years of Yukino's presidency. Once she was out of office they retreated to the state of Mar, with its beaches and forests, only leaving to begin their long delayed honeymoon which was shortly interrupted by Natsuki announcing Haruka was chosen to be the next 5th Column.
Sitting on the couch, Haruka stared at the pictures on the wall. The photographs of herself and Yukino, of Yukino's family, of her family, and she knew logically they had a long life together. They had been together since she was seven, becoming a couple when she was sixteen, and now she was thirty six but it didn't seem anywhere near long enough. Her gaze dropped down to her wedding ring. It was simple yet intricate in its design, lacking the flashy gemstones that other women would have desired. Yukino had the ring made especially for Haruka out of karzanite, a metal indigenous to Aries, it was glittering and solid in its strength, engraved with the Chrysant family crest and motto.
To a valiant heart, nothing is impossible.
"I want you to marry me," Yukino had said, smiling sweetly at her, slipping the ring onto Haruka's finger. Logically she knew that the ring should be given at the wedding ceremony itself but Yukino wanted Haruka to have it right away. To see what she had made for her because it would further help to explain and express her feelings for the blonde. "I love you, Haruka-chan. You've always been my family and it should finally be official."
The Chrysants were a well respected family in Aries. They were a legacy, their ancestor Anzai Chrysant had helped to facilitate the great rebellion from Artai, freeing Aries from their grip and helping to create their nation in the process. He was one of their founders, bringing about the democratic political system that existed to this day and to wear the crest of his family, to see their motto etched onto the ring she wore, it gave Haruka a sense of pride that she couldn't ever properly explain. She had failed them though, failed this great and grand family, failed them by not protecting Yukino, failed them by not saving the woman she loved and Haruka could never forgive herself for that.
This ring, this house, this life, she didn't deserve it and Haruka didn't know what to do with herself. There was her duty as an Otome, as a Column, she supposed, but everything seemed so empty and pointless without Yukino by her side. It was as if she existed in a haze and nothing was solid in this state, nothing effected her, and Haruka hated it, she hated being this way, it was like giving up but what was left to fight for anymore?
A knock to the door and Haruka rose to answer it, not thinking, moving on instinct and habit, though she did feel some measure of surprise to see the figures of Shizuru and the Leader of the Aswad on her doorstep. "Shizuru," said Haruka. Her friend didn't look any better than she had when the blonde caught a glimpse of her on the television the day of the murders. That manic look was on her face and her eyes were on edge, glinting from obvious lack of sleep, and there was a sort of madness and grief that couldn't be reasoned with. "Come in."
Shizuru shook her head, then moved closer, leaving only a small space between them as she said, "Midori has found them." The brunette held up several pages of paper and Haruka moved her gaze to them then back to Shizuru. "We know where they are, Haruka. Fidelus Altus, the ones who killed my Natsuki and your Yukino, we know where all their leaders are." Lowering the papers, Shizuru seemed to get closer yet and there was an offering and a warning in her gaze as she said, "We're leaving now. Going after the ones who ordered the attack. Will you come?"
Going after them was the polite way to say it, the Shizuru way to say it, the old Shizuru maybe, this person in front of her most likely said it out of habit but Haruka knew what those polite words really meant. Shizuru was after blood and when they found those people, the ones who killed Natsuki and Yukino, they would kill them, and Haruka knew this would happen. She knew it the day she spoke with Cardinal at the site of the attack, when she looked at the smoldering wreckage and imagined the broken remains of the woman she loved. Haruka knew and she had wanted it to happen, she wanted Shizuru to kill them, and she wanted to be there when it took place and now that day had arrived.
Despite her status in the Aries army, being raised by parents in the military, having her entire life being one of a soldier, Haruka wasn't someone who considered herself particularly brutal. People died in war, they died in conflict, but Haruka never sought out revenge. She never went into battle intending to kill another human being. Killing not out of necessity in duty and self-preservation but rather out of pain and misery and terrible, insistent, vengeance that wouldn't allow her to be at rest until those who killed the person she loved were dead themselves. That being so, she hesitated on accompanying Shizuru for this mission even though she wanted and wished them dead. Then Yukino's face flashed in her mind and staring down at the wedding ring that shone brightly by the streetlight, Haruka knew her answer.
"Yes," Haruka said quiet and firm, lifting violet eyes and removing her wedding ring. She carefully stored it in her jacket pocket where it would be safe from any damage her robe might take in battle. Removing the ring had become a habit after mission where her injuries and carelessness almost caused her to lose it while she was in battle. With Yukino gone, Haruka couldn't bear losing it. This ring was the last important gift from the woman she loved. It was something to be treasured and needed to be kept safe always. "I'm with you, Shizuru."
That said, they took to the air, beginning the journey into the mountains of Artai and Haruka didn't know how many hours had passed when Midori flew closer to her, riding on the back of her slave, looking at her with a curious expression. "General," Midori said this in a respectful greeting. "Do not take this as an insult but I was surprised by you agreeing to join us. Your history suggests that you would have chosen otherwise."
"Soldiers don't carry out acts of revenge," muttered Haruka, the words of her father returning to her, and she wondered if he thought she would end up doing this and was trying to warn her away. It was impossible though. She couldn't ignore what they had done, she couldn't let it go, bury it under her military training, and force down her emotions. That had never been something she was good at and often got her into trouble with superiors in the army but that was who she was and Haruka knew the futility of trying to change essential pieces of yourself. Turning to Midori, a grim set to her jaw, Haruka replied, "Yukino wasn't a President to me. She was my wife. The normal rules don't apply."
Satisfied with this answer, Midori flew ahead and Haruka was by herself, the wind whipping in her face and the air growing colder the further they journeyed into Artai territory. She was used to this, the bitter cold, the endless snow, she had gone on countless missions in Artai as the Topaz due to their volatile relationship with Aries but she never did manage to stop hating it. There was a dismal feeling to this country, this land, a sense of death and despair and Haruka never did wonder why men who came from here attacked her country so. She almost felt as if their twisted ideals were born of this awful land that never produced anything but the harshest cold and countless miseries.
They flew through the snow, obscuring their vision, moving lower, through the trees to deflect it, though their shields helped some. Soon they came upon the sight of a castle in the distance, hidden in the mountains, flickering lights revealing the people within. Both Otome looked to Midori who gave a wicked smile and dipped her head, acknowledging that this was where they were hiding. Fidelus Altus, the ones who planned the attack, the ones who killed Natsuki and Yukino, and they fixed their eyes on their target, blood boiling and a wild sort of frenzy beginning to seize them.
Shizuru summoned her naginata and flew at the castle, transforming the double blades into a chain. She swung it through the air, cutting through the guards shooting at her, wincing as a bullet grazed her arm. In an elegant display, Shizuru destroyed the large drawbridge and declared their entrance into battle. There were guards everywhere with swords and guns but Shizuru dismissed them with a flick of her wrist, the chain cutting through the air and into their bodies, leaving only pieces of them to remain. It was then that Midori and Haruka arrived.
Midori grinned, taking in the carnage that Shizuru had wrought in just seconds and said, "They should be in the west tower. It's the most protected."
No acknowledge came from Shizuru, just her naginata changing back into the double blades in a movement of deadly grace, cutting through those who would block her path as if they were nothing more than insects underneath her boot. Something always happened to her when she was in battle. She tried to speak Natsuki about it once but stopped because she could see how it frightened the other woman. Shizuru never wanted to frighten, to distance herself from Natsuki, but all the same she wanted to understand it, to know if it was normal. This feeling of separation she always had, being outside herself, a total disconnect from her emotions, it was a strange sensation, as if she was a robot and put onto this automatic mode of operation, killing those who stood against her with little remorse because it was her duty. The way that Natsuki reacted, the fear and the worry, it told Shizuru it wasn't normal and she always suspected that but the look in Natsuki's eyes told her it was much worse than that.
It was then that Shizuru knew when it came to battle she became a monster.
There were no emotions to be had, not like Haruka, who became almost giddy, swept up in the excitement, in the challenge of the fight, Shizuru felt nothing at all, not even as she killed these men. She blinked, wiping away the blood that flew in her face, obscuring her vision and she flew through the corridors of the castle. Sixty eight, Shizuru noted, her naginata slicing through the belly of a guard who tried to surprise her as he jumped around the corner. That was how many she had killed so far but they were pawns, underlings, they weren't the ones who killed her Natsuki. The paper had their pictures and they didn't have magic to change their appearance so she knew she could find them. Haruka was following her, she could hear her shouts from behind and it was comforting somehow, to have her close. An odd fraction of normalcy.
Dizzying, that was this passage way, twisting and turning, and more and more soldiers came out of the woodwork and Shizuru knew they must be getting close. Haruka was closer behind her now and Shizuru looked back, watching her dispose of two of the guards and Shizuru wondered what Haruka must be feeling. The blonde wasn't like her, she had always been kinder, far more gentle and good than anyone gave her credit for, and she knew Haruka didn't lose herself in the battle like she did. Haruka didn't become a monster who had no grasp of good and evil and any sort of morality, Haruka knew who she was, even in gruesome moments like this, where they were slaughtering hundreds out of revenge. And Haruka would feel guilty about this but Shizuru never would, she never could, it wasn't in her to have emotions, not about this. Sometimes she thought she hadn't been born with emotions, that she was just given the ability to pretend, to act as if she did, and it was only Natsuki who allowed her to truly feel for the first time. But now Natsuki was gone and Shizuru didn't think she would ever feel anything again, other than misery and madness.
More guards, more traps, Shizuru moved through them all, her naginata changing into a chain, cutting through them all and she flew through the rain of blood and Haruka was shouting at her, she was shouting but Shizuru couldn't stop, she couldn't find out what Haruka wanted. Not now, they were much too close, she could sense it. Soon they would be with those who killed her Natsuki and she would have her revenge.
Shouldn't she be feeling something? Shizuru wondered. Even when she never did, shouldn't this be different? She had been wanting this since the moment she knew Fidelus Altus killed Natsuki. It was all she wanted, for each and every member of this organization to perish by her hand, for them to suffer as she did, for them to suffer as Natsuki had. But there was nothing. There was no terrible joy from their deaths, just that same feeling of detachment and it made Shizuru rage inside. This should give her something, some measure of relief, something to ease the pain of losing Natsuki. When they came upon twenty more guards, Shizuru screamed out, slicing their heads off and watching with a mad sort of glee as they flew through the air as she broke down the door to the west tower.
All ten of their faces were burned into her mind, Shizuru would never forget them, they would forever be linked to Natsuki, for they were the ones who took her away and floating in that room, naginata in hand, blood dripping onto the floor, she saw them all now. Part of her wondered at the idiocy of it, all of them staying together in the same place. Didn't they know this made it that much easier for her to kill them? Or perhaps they wanted to die together, in some ridiculous attempt at brotherhood, their farcical bond as nobles. Shizuru sneered at the thought.
Begging, they were begging for their lives, these men who killed her Natsuki, and Shizuru didn't reply. She simply changed her element from its chain form back into the double blades and she held it in her hand, landing on the ground and taking a single step forward. One of them pulled out a gun and she formed a vicious smile, tilting her head to one side, feeling the faint breeze as the bullet passed through her hair and she brought her arm forward in an easy stroke, just a light flick of her hand really, and watched with terrifying satisfaction as his head fell to the ground. They were screaming now and more guns were brought out but Haruka was in the room and her axe extended, slicing through the guns and as she did this, Shizuru killed more of them, stabbing them through their stomachs and slicing upwards, delighting in the sickening gurgle they produced.
Haruka was shouting again. The blonde had always been loud but this was much louder than Shizuru was used to and Haruka was telling her to stop but how could she stop? There were still others left to kill. Three to be exact, three of them left, three men left who killed her Natsuki and she knew one of the ten had been killed by Haruka, the other Otome had done it when they tried to shoot her, she had seen it, and Shizuru wondered if Haruka felt anything when she did it because Shizuru still didn't. There was nothing, not even a monstrous joy, there was something distant, a small sort of relief they were dead but there was no happiness to be had, not while Natsuki was dead.
The shouting had turned into pleading, Haruka was pleading with her, and Shizuru looked at her but she didn't see her, she just saw the men behind her, cowering for their lives, their weapons destroyed and the fear on their faces. They thought Haruka would save them and she could see the disgust on the blonde's features at this. Shizuru shoved past her, raising her naginata and cutting into one of them, leaving only two, and she watched him scream out as she twisted the blades into him. Haruka was pulling at her arm and shouting she would end this and Shizuru wasn't listening, she was watching him die, watching and wondering what it had been like when Natsuki died. Hoping it wasn't like this, that it had been fast and painless and she knew she couldn't let him die peacefully as her Natsuki did and she forced the blades in deeper.
Bricks were falling, Shizuru realized, and she turned to Haruka, screaming in furious indignation upon seeing the head of axe smashed through the castle floor. Haruka was collapsing the building, she was allowing them a death far less horrible than what Shizuru imagined and wanted and she wouldn't allow it, she couldn't, and she turned to the others, preparing to cut them down. But there was a pressure at the back of her head and she felt her vision swimming into darkness and her body held in surprisingly soft arms and it was like Natsuki was with her again except the hair fluttering in her face, it wasn't black, it was blonde and Shizuru knew it wasn't her Natsuki.
It would never be her Natsuki.
"Thank you," one of the nobles said, his voice shaking and his features pale. Haruka glared at him, faintly aware of Midori entering the room, riding on her slave.
"Don't thank me," Haruka said, her voice full of disgust, and there was a grim finality on her face as she shifted Shizuru in her arms, treating her as if she was delicate china and not a woman who had killed well over a hundred men in just a matter of minutes. "You're still going to die."
Then she flew off the ground, lifting her axe and collapsing the ceiling, grimacing at their screams as the weight of hundreds of bricks fell on them, crushing their bodies as she escaped into the night sky, Midori on her tail. They remained there, looking down at the crumbling castle that Haruka had destroyed with the swing of her axe, and she knew that Yukino wouldn't approve of what she had just done. The problem was, Yukino wasn't here anymore and she couldn't tell her these things were wrong. Haruka could feel herself deteriorating, losing her morals, her beliefs, and she hated it, she hated it as much as she hated her own feeling of worthlessness at Yukino's death, but this was all she had now.
"She won't be pleased," Midori remarked casually, floating closer to Haruka, who turned to the other woman with a blank expression. "I think she wanted to kill each of them personally."
"Maybe," said Haruka with a snort, cradling Shizuru closer, and looking down at her features. Even unconscious they were troubled, lines on her brow, her lips turned into a frown, and she had the strange urge to wipe them away. "But I'm not letting bubuzuke take all the blame. When she snaps out of this she'll hate herself but now it's not just her, is it? I killed them too and she won't be alone in this."
"It isn't the same, General," said Midori and if Haruka didn't know the woman better she could have sworn there was a touch of empathy in her tones. "You saw the way she killed those men and what you did is nowhere close in comparison."
"They're still dead," said Haruka, looking at Midori with narrowed eyes. Releasing a sigh and shrugging her shoulders, Midori relented and Haruka frowned, muttering an apology which the redhead easily accepted. They began a slow flight away from Artai, through a far more mild snowstorm, and Haruka looked to Midori and questioned, "Can we stay with you until this is finished?"
Returning to Aries or Windbloom simply wasn't smart. There was no evidence that they were responsible for the attack on the castle, the deaths of all those people, but Haruka knew her fellow Columns weren't stupid and they would soon figure out it was their doing. If they were to go to either country they would be quickly tracked down and that wasn't something they could allow. Not when so much more had to be done. Haruka instinctively knew that Shizuru wouldn't be satisfied until every name on that list was taken care of and as much as she hated what happened tonight, seeing how those men died, being a part of such brutal deaths, she couldn't leave Shizuru to do it alone. Not when they both lost someone in that attack, not when they both understood the pain and misery it caused, and not when it was her friend who was suffering.
"The Aswad always welcomes powerful allies," said Midori simply and Haruka dipped her head in thanks.
The rest of their flight was silent, passing through Artai into Cardair, and further into the Black Valley. Things looked so different, a desert wasteland transformed into an oasis but security was just as tight as it ever was, Midori saying a phrase, low and mumbled, momentarily disarming the barrier shield around the large compound that was the Aswad's new home. Once they landed they were swarmed with well wishers who said little but looked at them with solemn and respectful eyes, watching as Midori led them to their new quarters, safe from inquisitive onlookers.
Gently placing Shizuru down on one bed and sitting down on the other, Haruka stared at the brunette. Shizuru would be angry when she woke up. Furious, in fact, but Haruka knew she had done the right thing. She couldn't let Shizuru kill them all, take all the blame, all the responsibility, not when she wanted them dead just as much and it wouldn't be fair, to let Shizuru shoulder that burden alone, not when they wanted the same awful thing. Staring at her hands, realizing they had killed not out of self-defense, not out of duty, but out of an uncontrolled desire for revenge, they felt dirty to Haruka. Sticky and soiled and she was curious if that feeling would ever pass. The cynical side of her didn't think so.
---
Shizuru woke to an unfamiliar room and unfamiliar sounds and she was in that place between sleep and waking when your mind is muddled. Her eyes fell onto a blue jacket resting over the back of a chair. Close in color, close in design, so close to one she knew well. "Natsuki," Shizuru murmured, her voice broken but a desperate hope clinging to it.
Then the door opened and she saw Haruka, bruised and bandaged, and she remembered her Natsuki was dead. Shizuru hated this, hated remembering each time she woke, she hated her dreams for making her think otherwise because it made reality that much worse. It was why she didn't sleep much anymore. An easy way to avoid the pain of waking from these dreams where Natsuki was still alive. Getting out of bed, it all returned to her, the battle and those men. There were two of them left, two who killed her Natsuki and she wanted to finish them off but Haruka had stopped her. Shizuru felt a rage rise up in her, one that hadn't been equaled since she learned of Natsuki's death and she growled Haruka's name, eyes narrowing as the blonde calmly shut the door, leaving them alone.
"You saved them," Shizuru accused, flexing her fingers and she felt her element emerge into her hands as she stepped closer to Haruka. "You saved the ones who killed my Natsuki. I was going to finish them, kill them as they begged for their lives but you stopped me. Why would you do that?"
"I didn't save anybody," said Haruka stubbornly and her eyes were dark. "I knocked you out and then I killed them. Collapsed that damn castle on their heads and crushed them under a ton of rocks."
"I wanted to see them all die," Shizuru hissed and she rested the tip of her naginata at Haruka's chin. "Why take that from me?"
Staring at the naginata and frowning deeply, Haruka shoved it away and stared Shizuru down. "You're not the only one who lost somebody," she said gruffly. "Yukino died too, you know. I wanted them gone just as much and maybe I wanted to cause it. What about that?"
There was a stillness in Shizuru's mind on hearing this and a strange sort of calm swept over her. It wasn't like before, when Natsuki was alive, there wasn't that crystal clarity of her emotions and her mind, but the raging inside her had ceased and she could hear her own thoughts again. The disconnect had left her and it felt as if she was seeing Haruka for the first time in years.
"Haruka," Shizuru murmured her name in just a whisper, her expression forlorn, unable to say anything more.
"We both lost somebody," Haruka continued, shoving her hands into the pockets of her pants, and looking at Shizuru plaintively. "I don't want you to do this alone. You don't have to. I want to be there with you. I'm not stupid," Haruka cut off whatever Shizuru was going to say next, most likely a denial she would hunt the rest of the people on the list. "I know you're going after them and I want to be there. I need it," Haruka said this in a mumble, her face darkening, and Shizuru could see the pain there, the self-hatred, and she knew where it came from. She knew how Haruka blamed herself for Yukino's death just as she blamed herself for Natsuki's. "It won't be right otherwise."
"I'm going to kill them," said Shizuru simply. "You can't stop me again."
"I know," said Haruka and there was an acceptance on her face but a sadness as well. "It's inimical."
A smile formed on her lips before she could help it and Shizuru chuckled, tilting her head to one side as she said, "Inevitable." When Haruka blinked at her, the smile grew wider and Shizuru stepped closer, curling a lock of blonde hair around her finger. "Haruka meant to say it's inevitable."
"Oh," Haruka muttered, a blush on her cheeks, embarrassed at her habit of mixing up words, even in serious times such as these. It was nice though, having Shizuru correct her, it reminded her of Yukino and as much as it hurt it was nice as well because it was from happier times, better times than these, ones that Haruka never wanted to forget. "Bubuzuke," she said quietly, turning Shizuru's attention to her, putting their faces closer together and making Haruka's face turn redder yet. "We're with the Aswad. I figured it's not safe, going back to Aries or Windbloom while we're doing this. You know Sara and Nao, they're not going to like it, and Fumi-sama might revoke our ability to materialize--"
"The Founder would have done that immediately if she was going to do it at all," said Shizuru calmly, stepping away from Haruka and removing the papers she had safely hidden in her pants pocket. She wondered why the blonde hadn't taken them but she realized as much as Haruka said she needed to be a part of this, to see them gone, she didn't want to have these people carried with her, these people who wanted the women they loved dead. Looking about the room, she saw a pen on the desk and crossing over to it, she drew lines through the first ten names. There were fifty seven left, fifty seven people to kill, fifty seven who commanded cells for Fidelus Altus, fifty seven who plotted, who murdered, fifty seven who would have killed her Natsuki just like the ten who were disposed of last night. This wouldn't end until they were dead. Folding the papers in her hands, she put them back into her pocket and looked to Haruka. "You don't have to do this. I can manage on my own."
"No," Haruka shook her head, an obstinate look on her features. "We both lost somebody and we're doing this together." Shizuru simply stared at her, no expression on her face, and it disturbed Haruka, making her move forward. She reached out to the other Otome, holding her hands and looking into her eyes, trying to find something of her old friend in there, something left to hope for. "You're the only one who knows," Haruka said in a painful mutter, squeezing her hands tighter, and stepping closer yet. "You're the only one who knows what it feels like. I won't let you do this alone. Not when you're the only one who understands. Like I said, it wouldn't be right."
Dropping her head, Shizuru's eyes fixed on Haruka's wedding ring, glittering even in the darkness of this room, and she murmured, "I wanted a ring that had a jewel the color of Natsuki's eyes when we were married. That way I could look at it and see her always."
"Shizuru," Haruka held her face and wiped at tears Shizuru didn't even know she had shed until this moment.
She hadn't cried before this, she couldn't cry. Not while she had been consumed by the rage and the need to kill those who murdered her Natsuki. Now those men were dead. Only their colleagues remained and Shizuru felt the rage recede just a little, just enough for these tears to emerge. She was sobbing now, her head buried in the crook of Haruka's neck as she felt the misery and the grief fall over her like a tidal wave. The blonde held her close, never letting her go, weathering through the storm of her emotions. Shizuru clung to her, holding onto the only solid thing she had left in her life, the only real thing. Though she believed she would never feel happiness or love while her Natsuki was dead, there was still a strange comfort in this moment and it was all because of Haruka.
Because she understood.
To be continued...
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