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TITLE: Fragile Things
SERIES: My Otome
AUTHOR: Dreiser
EMAIL: dreiser7@yahoo.com
YAHOO ID: dreiser7
MY WEBSITE: http://www.dreiser.org/
CONTENT: F/F romance. F/F sex. Haruka/Shizuru.
WARNING: Major character deaths, angst, violence, and extreme situations.
SUMMARY: In a single moment of violence, those who matter most to Haruka Armitage and Shizuru Viola are lost. Together they try to restore the broken pieces of their lives and learn to exist without the person they love.
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing but my relief the summer heat is starting to end.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I told you it would take longer! lol. Finally done though.
Fragile Things
By: Dreiser
Four (Part Two)
Seventeen years ago on this day, Natsuki told Shizuru she loved her for the very first time. Shizuru would always remember it, how she blushed and stammered, then lifted her head and got that stubborn look on her features, determined as she said it, not wanting Shizuru to doubt her. How could she though? She saw it in her Natsuki’s eyes and felt it in her touch. Shizuru had known for a very long time that Natsuki loved her but it was still special, hearing her say it.
This was their anniversary, the only day that Shizuru wanted to celebrate and until a year ago they always would. Taking romantic trips, going out for dinner and dancing, spending a day at the beach, each year they did something to commemorate Natsuki saying those words. Now Natsuki was dead and Shizuru was alone, no longer happy, no longer loved.
She had always been very careful to monitor how much she drank. Painfully aware of what could happen when she lost control but Shizuru couldn’t be sober, not even the littlest bit, not on this day. It hurt too much to have that tiny piece of her mind that had an ability to think coherently. Shizuru wanted it all wiped away, for the alcohol to obliterate the memories of those times.
Madame Tien had known better than to argue when Shizuru stated she was taking the day off and no one was to disturb her. Instead she nodded her head and went to warn her girls that their charming but volatile bodyguard wouldn’t be requesting any of their time this evening. Alone in her room with her bottles of alcohol, Shizuru drank the day away until it turned into night and she tried not to think about Natsuki and all the things they had done before, the ways they would celebrate. She tried but she couldn’t seem to help herself so she drank more, she drank herself into oblivion until she was passed out on her futon.
While most of the girls at the brothel were wise enough to obey Madame Tien’s instructions, Rebecca wasn’t. Ever since Shizuru had saved her from Hoang the brunette had become an obsession of sorts. When she was a customer, Shizuru had been kind but not at all picky. Her only requirement was that the worker had to be open to being with another woman. She didn’t have any sort of preference for hair color, body shape, breast size, or height. Any girl that was willing to share her bed was satisfactory but despite Rebecca fulfilling that one simple request, Shizuru didn’t want her. Rebecca had even overheard her specifically tell the Madame that she would be with anyone but her. The whims of the clientele had never been something that Rebecca cared about or ever took personally before. You had to distance yourself, create a wall of sorts, between yourself and them. That was the only way you could stay sane doing this kind of work but hearing Shizuru say that hurt somehow.
Perhaps it was because of how the other girls would talk about Shizuru. Gushing about her charming nature and talent in bed, happy about her willingness to reciprocate pleasure and her always generous tips. Rebecca had never thought those who visited their brothel and treated them nicely were good people. They were just people. Maybe ones who were a bit kinder but she didn’t see that as making them better than anyone else. Things like that never moved her but hearing Shizuru speak of her to Madame Tien and hearing the other workers praise her, Rebecca found herself more and more interested in the woman.
That day in the market Rebecca thought Hoang might kill her. She knew it was possible. It wasn’t like anyone in the market place would stand up for a prostitute. They would watch him kill her and maybe, if she was lucky, they would tell the police when they arrived too late to do anything. Then Shizuru appeared out of nowhere, her eyes blazing and her expression fierce, and she had gotten rid of Hoang so easily, like he was nothing more than an insect to be squashed.
Why did she do it? The question echoed in her mind but Rebecca didn’t have an answer. She was sure from hearing Shizuru speak to the Madame about her that Shizuru cared for her the least but she still saved her from Hoang. She acted when no one else would and when Rebecca tried to thank her she behaved as if it was nothing. It made no sense to Rebecca and she desperately wanted to understand why, to understand the woman who saved her.
Their clients saw them as something not quite human, a living and breathing object perhaps, but not as another person with emotions and hopes and dreams. They were something they rented for a time, something bought and paid for, and they weren’t to be concerned with when their time was over. That being so, why did Shizuru care? She hadn’t paid for Rebecca, she hadn’t touched her, not even once. The only thing that they had of value, their bodies, was the one thing Shizuru didn’t want from her. What was the reason to save her then?
Warnings would come often from the other workers, sometimes the ones who had spent nights with Shizuru, that despite her beauty, charm, and kindness there was a darkness there. They said it was certainly true what the brunette said, that she had killed people before, murdered out of rage and revenge, they said they could see it in her eyes, feel it in her aura. Rebecca never experienced any such thing but she saw the sadness surrounding Shizuru and it she wanted to help her somehow.
It was the reason she ignored the instruction to leave Shizuru alone on this day. There was an instinct pushing her forward, telling her of all days this was the one when Shizuru would need her. When she shouldn’t be left to her own devices and so she pushed the door open to the small room, frowning at the stench of alcohol that permeated the air. Shizuru was collapsed on her futon, empty bottles surrounding her and a full glass of blue fire lying close at her side.
Setting down the bowl of water she carried with her, Rebecca kneeled at Shizuru’s side, pushing sweat dampened hair from her eyes and wondering what it was that made the woman punish herself so. She had just placed a small cloth in the cool water, wetting it down and was turning to place it on Shizuru’s forehead when a strong hand gripped her wrist and she turned to see Shizuru staring at her glassy eyes. Rebecca had seen many terrible things in her life but the torment in that rust colored gaze wasn’t anything she had ever experienced before and it was enough to stop her heart for an instant.
“My Natsuki,” Shizuru’s voice was nothing but a rasp and her breath was thick with alcohol. “You’ve returned to me.” Rebecca tried to reply, to say she wasn’t this Natsuki, but she found herself unable as the brunette moved in an entirely sensual manner, reaching for Rebecca with tender hands, and smiling at her so sweetly that Rebecca forgot to breathe. “You remembered our special day like always. I should have known Natsuki would. She treats me with such care, after all.”
“Shizuru-san,” Rebecca said her name in a whisper. Trembling as she was pulled close for an embrace and she knew it was wrong, letting Shizuru hold her like this when she thought she was someone else, but she’d wanted it for so long.
“It was my fault,” said Shizuru in desolate tones, still holding Rebecca close, a hand moving up to stroke her hair. “I should have protected my Natsuki.” A broken chuckle and Shizuru’s head dropped down, hidden in the curve of her neck, her breath hot on Rebecca’s skin. “I can’t do things well like you can, Shizuru. You said this once, didn’t you? Natsuki told me.” Her head tipped up and those eyes were looking at her with such sorrow that Rebecca was frozen by it. “It isn’t the truth though. Natsuki is better than me in so many ways and she never saw that for herself. She saves people, she saved me, and I bring nothing but pain.”
“What did you do?” asked Rebecca softly, fearing the answer, but thinking somehow Shizuru needed to say it.
“Haruka helped me kill them,” Shizuru murmured, her face tucked back into Rebecca’s neck and her hands clinging to her sides, holding onto the girl for dear life, as if afraid she might disappear at any moment. “She took care of me when I couldn’t take care of myself as we hunted the men that killed Natsuki and Yukino.” That hollow and broken laugh again, then Shizuru said, “Natsuki must know for herself how much Yukino despises me for what I did to her. Haruka tried to put an end to my madness and for that I almost killed her. That’s why I had to leave. Sara was right, she would never be safe as long as I was with her.”
Silence hung in the air along with the stench of alcohol then Shizuru touched her face, looking up at her with an expression of utter misery and hopelessness. “Natsuki will never forgive me, will she?” Shizuru questioned. “For murdering those men who took her life away. It’s not the way that Natsuki did things and she’s only here now to say a proper goodbye. Knowing what this day means to me.” Shizuru’s fingers seemed to twitch and she was holding Rebecca’s in a tight grip, her eyes wide and wet with unshed tears as she said, “I’ve done too many monstrous things for Natsuki to love me anymore.”
“No!” Rebecca cried out, shaking her head furiously. She didn’t know who this Natsuki was but she thought anyone who really loved Shizuru would be able to forgive her of even the most heinous deeds. “She does love you, I’m sure of it!”
“Natsuki is too kind,” murmured Shizuru and her eyes were heavy. The alcohol was overtaking her again, slipping her back into a deep sleep. Her words slurred as she continued, “Why must I live without her? It doesn’t seem worthwhile.”
Protests were on the tip of her tongue, reasons why Shizuru should live, why her life had value but Shizuru wouldn’t hear them. She had drifted into unconsciousness, her breath steady and hot on Rebecca’s skin. Holding the brunette in her arms, Rebecca thought she understood a little better what tormented Shizuru but was no closer to knowing how to help.
——
It had been eight months since Shizuru’s disappearance and in that time Haruka had adjusted to her life at Garderobe. Rising early in the morning for training, she taught classes until late in the afternoon, then continued with her training and returned to either her quarters or Sara’s for an early dinner. The schedule sometimes changed, depending if a student needed her help or if Sara was gone on a mission for Garderobe but one day was surprisingly similar to the next. Rather than finding herself driven mad by the monotony as she would’ve in the past Haruka was oddly soothed by it.
Numerous and terrible changes had occurred recently and it was a relief to have things remain the same. Nevertheless, Shizuru’s absence still tore at Haruka. She cursed her inability to look for the other woman due to her sentence which kept her confined to the academy campus. Nao had tried searching for her but lost Shizuru’s trail shortly after she entered Zipang. The far east region of Earl was uncharted territory for the most part and was difficult to navigate.
That didn’t keep Haruka from inquiring and often demanding for others to search for Shizuru. Giving up on her friend wasn’t an option for Haruka and she knew what Sara said. That she and Shizuru weren’t good for each other, that they only fed their grief when together, but Haruka didn’t care. It had been too long and she missed Shizuru. No matter how kind people were, how understanding, they couldn’t grasp what it was like to lose Yukino. Just Shizuru knew that and Haruka wanted her back.
Sara did help though. Her bright eyes and eager smile, they were different but so close to Yukino’s, close enough that Haruka felt as if some measure of her wife had returned to her and it was a comfort. In the beginning she hated herself for it, she refused to let herself feel that way, thinking she didn’t deserve such a thing but she came to crave it. More than half her life had been spent at Yukino’s side and Haruka didn’t know how to exist without her. Being with Sara, experiencing a shadow of Yukino, let Haruka to feel like herself again, if only by the smallest amount and it was a relief.
Haruka knew it was awful, that she was using the younger Otome, but she couldn’t seem to stop. Seeing those pieces of Yukino in Sara and finding happiness and solace in them was what gave her focus and kept her going. Haruka was certain that without it she would lose what little of her old self that was returning. Besides, it wasn’t like she was trying to replace Yukino with Sara or seeing them as the same person. She knew they were different, Haruka was painfully aware of that.
An easy example was how Yukino was raised with servants, just like Shizuru, but she was quite adept at cooking after a few lessons from Haruka. While Sara wasn’t nearly so proficient.
Her parents were absorbed by their lives in the military, working long hours, and Haruka had to fend for herself as a child and quickly learned making her meals was a part of that. When they had taken their wilderness exam Haruka was sure that Shizuru made her cook everything as another part of her deception but she later found out Shizuru simply didn’t know how. Haruka had tried to teach her during their chore assignment in the kitchen but it was a disaster and teaching Sara had similar results. Sara was fine with reheating frozen meals and making sandwiches but that was the extent of her culinary skills. Things like that, clear and defined differences that Sara had from Yukino, kept Haruka from ever falling into the dangerous territory of mistaking one woman for the other. It simply wasn’t possible for her to ignore such glaring contrasts.
Tired from a day of teaching and training, Haruka decided to make a simple soup. She sat on the counter stirring the soup, watching Sara set the table in the dining room. The staff quarters weren’t the most luxurious place in Garderobe but it hardly mattered to Haruka. Growing up, she often lived in places slightly bigger than a closet, all of them having to sleep and eat in the same room. Having a roof over your head, a warm bed to sleep in, and food in your stomach, were the things her parents said truly mattered. She had that here along with people who cared for her and a woman close enough to Yukino that it was nearly like being with her again on certain days. As far as Haruka was concerned life was good.
It could be so much better though. If Shizuru was here. If Yukino was alive.
But those were things she couldn’t do anything about. Especially the latter and Haruka knew she had try and move on. Waiting was her plan for now, waiting for a year to pass, when she would be allowed to leave Garderobe. Once that occurred she would search for Shizuru. She couldn’t give up on the other woman. Not when she was the only person who understood how much it hurt, how empty her life had become, how this was all just a farce of normalcy that was eating away at her. Besides, Fumi-sama hadn’t abandoned Shizuru either. The Founder stalwartly maintained Shizuru as the 3rd Column in the materialization system for Garderobe and as long as she did that they couldn’t choose another Otome to replace her. Not that anyone really wanted to.
“I heard you sent a student crashing into the forest today,” Sara called out in playful accusation. The younger blonde had finished setting the table and was walking into the kitchen, a mischievous twinkle in her eyes. “I told you it’s not good to use your full strength against them. They’ll just end up overwhelmed, even if they’re Pearls.”
Snorting in disdain at this, Haruka replied, “And they’ll never get that way in battle? Don’t you think it’s better for them to learn about that kind of feeling when they’re safe at the academy instead of on a mission for their Master?” Observing the soup coming to a slow simmer, Haruka continued, “They freeze up then they’ll die. I’m trying to make it so it only happens with me.”
“Haruka,” Sara murmured her name with some surprise. “You’ve thought about this, haven’t you?”
“Maybe,” muttered Haruka, her cheeks tinged in a blush and she hopped down from the counter to turn off the burner. Reaching for two bowls, she set them down on the counter and began to ladle the hot soup into them. “When I started I just followed Miss Maria’s curriery, you know? But she’s almost too soft. Just has them fight each other. Never her. When we went to Garderobe unless you came up against a much stronger student you didn’t learn what it’s like, facing someone who can crush you in a second. With what we do that can happen a lot. You have to learn to control your fear or you’ll wind up dead.”
“Curriculum,” corrected Sara fondly and Haruka scowled as she handed the younger woman a bowl of soup. Sara grinned, looking over her shoulder as she walked into the dining room and said, “Despite your attacks on the Pearls you’re becoming the most popular teacher on campus. I heard a few Corals gushing over you when I came back from visiting Queen Mashiro earlier.”
“If it was Vaea and her group it’s because I was helping them with extra credit,” said Haruka, sitting down at the table with Sara. Staring at the soup, she said quietly, “And they don’t like me that much. It’s not how it is with Shizuru. They all loved her.”
Sighing heavily, Sara took a sip of the soup and pondered if she should take the opening Haruka presented her with or lead the conversation elsewhere. Certainly Haruka would allow it. She hated discussing Shizuru with the older blonde, hated the way the other Otome got a guilt ridden look on her features and gave a feeling of quiet longing. It was almost worse than how she was when she started thinking about Yukino’s death. At least that Sara could understand, anyone could see how much Haruka and Yukino loved one another, the devotion that they shared which lasted over half of their lives, but Shizuru…
What Shizuru ever did to merit such love and loyalty from Haruka baffled Sara. She knew they were close, she had been at Garderobe with them, and was well aware of their friends and rivals status that stemmed from their relationship as roommates. But that didn’t explain Haruka’s fixation with Shizuru. Why a day didn’t go by where she wasn’t mentioned in some way and how Haruka would look desperately lonely at just the thought of her. Haruka had so many people here who cared about her, who wanted to see her recover, to regain her old spirit so why did Shizuru matter so much? She was the person who injured her to the point of near death. They both lost someone that day and Sara knew that Haruka felt that just Shizuru could understand how much that hurt but it still didn’t sit right with her. All of her life she had devoted herself to the idea if you worked hard enough, if you were educated enough, and you tried your best you could achieve your goals.
Her goal was to support Haruka, to provide her with companionship and friendship, and to help her move on. Sara devoted herself to this as much as she did her duties as a Column and she thought slowly but surely she was succeeding but there was always Shizuru in the background. Haunting them like a ghost and it was a constant frustration to Haruka’s progress.
“Anh-oneesama agreed to go look for her,” Sara revealed, well aware of Haruka’s request to the older Otome.
“Really? When?” Haruka’s head whipped up and one question followed the other in a rush. “Where is she going to look?”
“Quang Bihn,” said Sara, a small frown tugging at her lips and her hand gripping her spoon tightly. It shouldn’t upset her, how excited Haruka was to hear news of Shizuru, how happy she became at just the prospect of someone finding her, but it did. Maybe it was just easier to be jealous of the living than the dead. They provided a more substantial target. “Nao lost her on the border of Zipang and Quang Bihn and Anh-oneesama thinks she could be in the capital city. She leaves in three days.” Looking at Haruka’s face that was suddenly so much lighter and shining with hope, Sara hated saying what was next though she knew she had to. “Haruka,” she murmured. “What if she never returns? Shizuru might prefer being by herself. She was a good Otome but she served more for the Principal than herself and now—”
“She’ll come back if I have to drag her here kicking and screaming,” said Haruka obstinately. “I don’t care what she did to me or what she says she wants. It’s not right, leaving her on her own. I know what she’s thinking, how she blames herself and nobody deserves to go through that alone. Especially not when they got friends waiting for them.”
“All right,” said Sara softly and she resigned herself to the reality that Haruka wouldn’t let this go. She only had a dim hope that the other blonde might give up but she never truly believed it. Haruka never abandoned her friends and that was what she considered Shizuru. Lifting her head, Sara gave her best and brightest smile and declared, “If Anh-oneesama can’t bring her back then I’ll search with you when your punishment is over.”
“Sara,” Haruka’s eyes went wide and a slow smile curved on her features, one that caused Sara’s heart to skip a beat and her cheeks to warm. Seeing that well worth the idea of aiding Shizuru’s return and there was the fact that Sara knew, deep down, it would make Haruka happy. That she would smile like this more often when Shizuru was with them again. “Thank you.”
“We’ll see how Anh-oneesama does,” said Sara wisely, taking a sip of the soup. “I think she should fair better than Nao. She’s from the east and Shizuru was her heya-gakkari. In some ways she might know Shizuru better than the rest of us.”
——
To a certain extent, Anh Lu was sheltered. She supposed in many ways that was the life of a Princess. Attending Garderobe was her first time stepping foot in another country. As her father’s Otome she rarely left An Nam unless she was on a diplomatic mission guarding him. Becoming the Infinite Wisdom Azurite did open up new worlds to her and she had seen many things over the years that her siblings never would because of her position. But despite all she had seen that sheltered Princess she once was never quite went away. Anh knew that, particularly in moments like this.
Shizuru Viola had always been different than her. The daughter of a Duke instead of a King, she wasn’t isolated and kept hidden for her own safety, brought out only for special occasions of state. Shizuru was doted on by her father to the degree that she could do whatever she wanted. While Anh had learned the art of charm and guile from life at court it seemed to come naturally to Shizuru and there was a freedom to her that Anh envied. She never feared rejection and simply went after what she wanted. Anh had been pursued in such a way at Garderobe and couldn’t help but want the girl for her heya-gakkari because of it.
An Nam was an old fashioned nation in many ways, rejecting newer technology, and steeped in tradition. Anh sometimes felt hindered by it in her youth and longed for the modern ways of their neighboring countries. She heard tales of Quang Bihn and their lawlessness and hedonism, legalizing things like gambling and prostitution, which would never happen in her own homeland. The tiny country was a traveling point for the eastern lands of Earl and it was easy to get lost here there were so many people. It didn’t surprise Anh too much that Shizuru would be found here but she didn’t expect to discover her in this place.
Working in a brothel.
The sheltered days as a Princess in her palace came rushing back to her and Anh felt an immediate distaste and disgust as she walked into the building. Shizuru teased her often, saying she only had morals when she was sober, and maybe that was true, she knew what she became when she drank and she often thought it was because of how she was raised. There were so many rules she had to follow as An Nam royalty, strict etiquette she had to obey, and it was stifling. When she was drunk she let all of that go and her desires were set free at last and it was a dangerous thing to witness.
After a quick conversation with the brothel owner, Anh was relieved to learn Shizuru wasn’t one of the prostitutes but was instead a bodyguard. But still, the idea of Shizuru in this place, with these people, it was such a downfall, such a waste. Anh tried to plan her words as she followed Madame Tien through cramped hallways until they came to a large dining room where several prostitutes sat at a long table. At the end of it was Shizuru, a sword in her lap and a crooked smile on her features as she flirted with several of the women.
“Shizuru-san,” Madame Tien called out. “You have a visitor.”
The clang of pots and pans continued but all conversation stopped as Shizuru looked at Anh. Her rust colored eyes narrowed and her lips curled in something of a mocking smile. “Anh-oneesama,” she drawled. “What brings you to Quang Bihn?”
“We want you to come back,” said Anh tightly, keeping her gaze fixed on Shizuru instead of the workers who looked at them with open curiosity. Anh tried to ignore the girl at Shizuru’s side who held her hand and looked like a pale imitation of Natsuki but found it impossible.
“Ara,” Shizuru clucked her tongue and formed an face of exaggerated sadness. “I’m afraid I can’t. I have a job here.”
“A job?” repeated Anh incredulously, unable to hide her contempt any longer. “You call this a job? You were once a Column of Garderobe, the most feared Otome among our numbers, and you’ve been reduced to this? A lowly bodyguard in a brothel?”
At this, even the clang of the pots stopped and the workers all stared at Shizuru in shock save for Madame Tien who had a knowing look in her gaze. Shizuru’s eyes narrowed and she rose to her feet, jian in hand as she said, “I think we should continue this conversation in private, Anh-oneesama.”
Though she moved with her usual elegance, there was a difference to Shizuru. The stench of alcohol was carried with her and once they were alone Anh could see a glaze in her eyes along with an emptiness. This wasn’t the woman she had known and part of Anh wondered if it was foolish to think they would ever see that person again. Shizuru closed the door to her small room then turned to face her, a cold look on her features, and a silent ultimatum in the air.
“What would Natsuki-san think?” Anh demanded, the words bursting from her lips before she could help herself. Natsuki had always been Shizuru’s weak point, the one thing that made her stop and consider, sometimes even hesitate, and Anh hoped by invoking her name she might get Shizuru to rethink her current behavior. “You working here? You bedding prostitutes?”
“My Natsuki is dead, she cannot think anything,” Shizuru spat out. “Is that all Anh-oneesama came to say?”
“The afternoon has hardly begun and you already reek of alcohol,” Anh continued, disapproving but worried as she neared the other woman. “Shizuru,” she reached out to touch the brunette but found her hand seized.
“If Anh-oneesama only came to lecture me I have better things to do,” said Shizuru, her voice flat.
“Why are you doing this to yourself?” asked Anh, searching for some sign of the girl who had followed after her in Garderobe wearing a brilliant smile and playful look on her features. “Natsuki-san wouldn’t have approved.”
“Anh-oneesama shouldn’t act as if sex without love is such a tremendous crime,” Shizuru said smoothly, lifting an eyebrow and releasing Anh’s hand. “It isn’t as if we were ever in love when we were together. I fail to see the difference.”
“You never paid me, nor I you!” Anh exclaimed, her cheeks red, her expression furious.
“There is that,” Shizuru allowed with a chuckle, moving across the room to pour a glass of alcohol. Hearing Anh’s protest on seeing this, Shizuru went on, “When I drink my mind isn’t as sharp and I can pretend I don’t remember. It’s the one thing that helps me to go on and those women don’t deserve your scorn, Anh-oneesama. When I’m with them I know for a few instants what it is to be happy again.” Shizuru took a long drink and when she was done, she said, “You shouldn’t judge.”
“Haruka asked me to bring you back,” said Anh when the silence got to her. She didn’t know what else to say, how to communicate with the Shizuru who stood before her as a virtual stranger, so she just told the truth. “Begged, actually.”
“Haruka doesn’t beg,” said Shizuru in swift reply, her voice flinty, and her hands gripped the glass hard enough that Anh thought it had a chance of cracking in her hold. “You’re lying.”
“She begged for you,” said Anh candidly and she chanced stepping closer to the other woman who was staring into her glass of alcohol. “She’s long recovered from those injuries you gave her and has taken over teaching Miss Maria’s classes at Garderobe. Shizuru,” Anh said her name softly, touching the brunette’s arm and smiling when Shizuru gazed at her with a lost look on her features. “If you don’t return with me now, she’ll come for you when her sentence is over. She wants you back.”
“Why?” asked Shizuru helplessly.
There were so many things she wanted to elaborate on. Why would Haruka want her around when Sara was right? When they only fed each other’s misery? When she nearly killed her? When she made her do things she never would have when she was in her right mind? When she was nothing but a burden and a curse to the other woman? Why would Haruka want any of that?
“Haruka needs you,” said Anh simply and she paused to dig through the pockets of her dress. After a few moments she presented Shizuru with the Bewitching Smile Amethyst GEM which sparkled in the dim light of the room and said, “This is yours.”
“What’s wrong with Haruka?” Shizuru questioned in a whisper, her eyes focused on the GEM, and her face shadowed. “Why does she need me? Sara was supposed to take care of her. She promised.”
“Sara isn’t you and Sara can’t be Yukino, no matter how much Haruka wants her to be,” Anh murmured sadly. They didn’t discuss it, the other Otome and the staff at Garderobe, but they all saw it. Witnessed the ways that Haruka tried to see Yukino in Sara and found relief in that and though they were glad to see Haruka’s spirits lifted it worried them all the same.
Her frown deepened and Shizuru slowly reached for her GEM with trembling hands and placed it in her ear, shuddering at the heat she immediately felt and the power that swept over her body. It was like a homecoming but it filled her with dread. Could she really do this again? Be an Otome? Live up to all those expectations? She didn’t know but she did know that Anh wasn’t lying to her when she said that Haruka needed her. Shizuru could see the truth of it in her eyes and that was the only thing that mattered. She left to keep Haruka safe from her but if Haruka needed her, if she wanted her, then Shizuru had to return. There was no other choice in her mind, not when Haruka was the only person who understood the misery that was losing Natsuki.
When they opened the door to her room, Rebecca was there, tears in her eyes and Shizuru held her close, then gave into temptation for the first and final time, pulling the girl in for a kiss. It was short and it was sweet and when it was done she gave Rebecca all of her money and touched her cheek, telling her to go to Laudenbach like she always dreamed. Then she materialized her robe to begin her flight back to Garderobe, back to Haruka, and back to what remained of her life.
To be continued...
SERIES: My Otome
AUTHOR: Dreiser
EMAIL: dreiser7@yahoo.com
YAHOO ID: dreiser7
MY WEBSITE: http://www.dreiser.org/
CONTENT: F/F romance. F/F sex. Haruka/Shizuru.
WARNING: Major character deaths, angst, violence, and extreme situations.
SUMMARY: In a single moment of violence, those who matter most to Haruka Armitage and Shizuru Viola are lost. Together they try to restore the broken pieces of their lives and learn to exist without the person they love.
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing but my relief the summer heat is starting to end.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I told you it would take longer! lol. Finally done though.
Fragile Things
By: Dreiser
Four (Part Two)
Seventeen years ago on this day, Natsuki told Shizuru she loved her for the very first time. Shizuru would always remember it, how she blushed and stammered, then lifted her head and got that stubborn look on her features, determined as she said it, not wanting Shizuru to doubt her. How could she though? She saw it in her Natsuki’s eyes and felt it in her touch. Shizuru had known for a very long time that Natsuki loved her but it was still special, hearing her say it.
This was their anniversary, the only day that Shizuru wanted to celebrate and until a year ago they always would. Taking romantic trips, going out for dinner and dancing, spending a day at the beach, each year they did something to commemorate Natsuki saying those words. Now Natsuki was dead and Shizuru was alone, no longer happy, no longer loved.
She had always been very careful to monitor how much she drank. Painfully aware of what could happen when she lost control but Shizuru couldn’t be sober, not even the littlest bit, not on this day. It hurt too much to have that tiny piece of her mind that had an ability to think coherently. Shizuru wanted it all wiped away, for the alcohol to obliterate the memories of those times.
Madame Tien had known better than to argue when Shizuru stated she was taking the day off and no one was to disturb her. Instead she nodded her head and went to warn her girls that their charming but volatile bodyguard wouldn’t be requesting any of their time this evening. Alone in her room with her bottles of alcohol, Shizuru drank the day away until it turned into night and she tried not to think about Natsuki and all the things they had done before, the ways they would celebrate. She tried but she couldn’t seem to help herself so she drank more, she drank herself into oblivion until she was passed out on her futon.
While most of the girls at the brothel were wise enough to obey Madame Tien’s instructions, Rebecca wasn’t. Ever since Shizuru had saved her from Hoang the brunette had become an obsession of sorts. When she was a customer, Shizuru had been kind but not at all picky. Her only requirement was that the worker had to be open to being with another woman. She didn’t have any sort of preference for hair color, body shape, breast size, or height. Any girl that was willing to share her bed was satisfactory but despite Rebecca fulfilling that one simple request, Shizuru didn’t want her. Rebecca had even overheard her specifically tell the Madame that she would be with anyone but her. The whims of the clientele had never been something that Rebecca cared about or ever took personally before. You had to distance yourself, create a wall of sorts, between yourself and them. That was the only way you could stay sane doing this kind of work but hearing Shizuru say that hurt somehow.
Perhaps it was because of how the other girls would talk about Shizuru. Gushing about her charming nature and talent in bed, happy about her willingness to reciprocate pleasure and her always generous tips. Rebecca had never thought those who visited their brothel and treated them nicely were good people. They were just people. Maybe ones who were a bit kinder but she didn’t see that as making them better than anyone else. Things like that never moved her but hearing Shizuru speak of her to Madame Tien and hearing the other workers praise her, Rebecca found herself more and more interested in the woman.
That day in the market Rebecca thought Hoang might kill her. She knew it was possible. It wasn’t like anyone in the market place would stand up for a prostitute. They would watch him kill her and maybe, if she was lucky, they would tell the police when they arrived too late to do anything. Then Shizuru appeared out of nowhere, her eyes blazing and her expression fierce, and she had gotten rid of Hoang so easily, like he was nothing more than an insect to be squashed.
Why did she do it? The question echoed in her mind but Rebecca didn’t have an answer. She was sure from hearing Shizuru speak to the Madame about her that Shizuru cared for her the least but she still saved her from Hoang. She acted when no one else would and when Rebecca tried to thank her she behaved as if it was nothing. It made no sense to Rebecca and she desperately wanted to understand why, to understand the woman who saved her.
Their clients saw them as something not quite human, a living and breathing object perhaps, but not as another person with emotions and hopes and dreams. They were something they rented for a time, something bought and paid for, and they weren’t to be concerned with when their time was over. That being so, why did Shizuru care? She hadn’t paid for Rebecca, she hadn’t touched her, not even once. The only thing that they had of value, their bodies, was the one thing Shizuru didn’t want from her. What was the reason to save her then?
Warnings would come often from the other workers, sometimes the ones who had spent nights with Shizuru, that despite her beauty, charm, and kindness there was a darkness there. They said it was certainly true what the brunette said, that she had killed people before, murdered out of rage and revenge, they said they could see it in her eyes, feel it in her aura. Rebecca never experienced any such thing but she saw the sadness surrounding Shizuru and it she wanted to help her somehow.
It was the reason she ignored the instruction to leave Shizuru alone on this day. There was an instinct pushing her forward, telling her of all days this was the one when Shizuru would need her. When she shouldn’t be left to her own devices and so she pushed the door open to the small room, frowning at the stench of alcohol that permeated the air. Shizuru was collapsed on her futon, empty bottles surrounding her and a full glass of blue fire lying close at her side.
Setting down the bowl of water she carried with her, Rebecca kneeled at Shizuru’s side, pushing sweat dampened hair from her eyes and wondering what it was that made the woman punish herself so. She had just placed a small cloth in the cool water, wetting it down and was turning to place it on Shizuru’s forehead when a strong hand gripped her wrist and she turned to see Shizuru staring at her glassy eyes. Rebecca had seen many terrible things in her life but the torment in that rust colored gaze wasn’t anything she had ever experienced before and it was enough to stop her heart for an instant.
“My Natsuki,” Shizuru’s voice was nothing but a rasp and her breath was thick with alcohol. “You’ve returned to me.” Rebecca tried to reply, to say she wasn’t this Natsuki, but she found herself unable as the brunette moved in an entirely sensual manner, reaching for Rebecca with tender hands, and smiling at her so sweetly that Rebecca forgot to breathe. “You remembered our special day like always. I should have known Natsuki would. She treats me with such care, after all.”
“Shizuru-san,” Rebecca said her name in a whisper. Trembling as she was pulled close for an embrace and she knew it was wrong, letting Shizuru hold her like this when she thought she was someone else, but she’d wanted it for so long.
“It was my fault,” said Shizuru in desolate tones, still holding Rebecca close, a hand moving up to stroke her hair. “I should have protected my Natsuki.” A broken chuckle and Shizuru’s head dropped down, hidden in the curve of her neck, her breath hot on Rebecca’s skin. “I can’t do things well like you can, Shizuru. You said this once, didn’t you? Natsuki told me.” Her head tipped up and those eyes were looking at her with such sorrow that Rebecca was frozen by it. “It isn’t the truth though. Natsuki is better than me in so many ways and she never saw that for herself. She saves people, she saved me, and I bring nothing but pain.”
“What did you do?” asked Rebecca softly, fearing the answer, but thinking somehow Shizuru needed to say it.
“Haruka helped me kill them,” Shizuru murmured, her face tucked back into Rebecca’s neck and her hands clinging to her sides, holding onto the girl for dear life, as if afraid she might disappear at any moment. “She took care of me when I couldn’t take care of myself as we hunted the men that killed Natsuki and Yukino.” That hollow and broken laugh again, then Shizuru said, “Natsuki must know for herself how much Yukino despises me for what I did to her. Haruka tried to put an end to my madness and for that I almost killed her. That’s why I had to leave. Sara was right, she would never be safe as long as I was with her.”
Silence hung in the air along with the stench of alcohol then Shizuru touched her face, looking up at her with an expression of utter misery and hopelessness. “Natsuki will never forgive me, will she?” Shizuru questioned. “For murdering those men who took her life away. It’s not the way that Natsuki did things and she’s only here now to say a proper goodbye. Knowing what this day means to me.” Shizuru’s fingers seemed to twitch and she was holding Rebecca’s in a tight grip, her eyes wide and wet with unshed tears as she said, “I’ve done too many monstrous things for Natsuki to love me anymore.”
“No!” Rebecca cried out, shaking her head furiously. She didn’t know who this Natsuki was but she thought anyone who really loved Shizuru would be able to forgive her of even the most heinous deeds. “She does love you, I’m sure of it!”
“Natsuki is too kind,” murmured Shizuru and her eyes were heavy. The alcohol was overtaking her again, slipping her back into a deep sleep. Her words slurred as she continued, “Why must I live without her? It doesn’t seem worthwhile.”
Protests were on the tip of her tongue, reasons why Shizuru should live, why her life had value but Shizuru wouldn’t hear them. She had drifted into unconsciousness, her breath steady and hot on Rebecca’s skin. Holding the brunette in her arms, Rebecca thought she understood a little better what tormented Shizuru but was no closer to knowing how to help.
——
It had been eight months since Shizuru’s disappearance and in that time Haruka had adjusted to her life at Garderobe. Rising early in the morning for training, she taught classes until late in the afternoon, then continued with her training and returned to either her quarters or Sara’s for an early dinner. The schedule sometimes changed, depending if a student needed her help or if Sara was gone on a mission for Garderobe but one day was surprisingly similar to the next. Rather than finding herself driven mad by the monotony as she would’ve in the past Haruka was oddly soothed by it.
Numerous and terrible changes had occurred recently and it was a relief to have things remain the same. Nevertheless, Shizuru’s absence still tore at Haruka. She cursed her inability to look for the other woman due to her sentence which kept her confined to the academy campus. Nao had tried searching for her but lost Shizuru’s trail shortly after she entered Zipang. The far east region of Earl was uncharted territory for the most part and was difficult to navigate.
That didn’t keep Haruka from inquiring and often demanding for others to search for Shizuru. Giving up on her friend wasn’t an option for Haruka and she knew what Sara said. That she and Shizuru weren’t good for each other, that they only fed their grief when together, but Haruka didn’t care. It had been too long and she missed Shizuru. No matter how kind people were, how understanding, they couldn’t grasp what it was like to lose Yukino. Just Shizuru knew that and Haruka wanted her back.
Sara did help though. Her bright eyes and eager smile, they were different but so close to Yukino’s, close enough that Haruka felt as if some measure of her wife had returned to her and it was a comfort. In the beginning she hated herself for it, she refused to let herself feel that way, thinking she didn’t deserve such a thing but she came to crave it. More than half her life had been spent at Yukino’s side and Haruka didn’t know how to exist without her. Being with Sara, experiencing a shadow of Yukino, let Haruka to feel like herself again, if only by the smallest amount and it was a relief.
Haruka knew it was awful, that she was using the younger Otome, but she couldn’t seem to stop. Seeing those pieces of Yukino in Sara and finding happiness and solace in them was what gave her focus and kept her going. Haruka was certain that without it she would lose what little of her old self that was returning. Besides, it wasn’t like she was trying to replace Yukino with Sara or seeing them as the same person. She knew they were different, Haruka was painfully aware of that.
An easy example was how Yukino was raised with servants, just like Shizuru, but she was quite adept at cooking after a few lessons from Haruka. While Sara wasn’t nearly so proficient.
Her parents were absorbed by their lives in the military, working long hours, and Haruka had to fend for herself as a child and quickly learned making her meals was a part of that. When they had taken their wilderness exam Haruka was sure that Shizuru made her cook everything as another part of her deception but she later found out Shizuru simply didn’t know how. Haruka had tried to teach her during their chore assignment in the kitchen but it was a disaster and teaching Sara had similar results. Sara was fine with reheating frozen meals and making sandwiches but that was the extent of her culinary skills. Things like that, clear and defined differences that Sara had from Yukino, kept Haruka from ever falling into the dangerous territory of mistaking one woman for the other. It simply wasn’t possible for her to ignore such glaring contrasts.
Tired from a day of teaching and training, Haruka decided to make a simple soup. She sat on the counter stirring the soup, watching Sara set the table in the dining room. The staff quarters weren’t the most luxurious place in Garderobe but it hardly mattered to Haruka. Growing up, she often lived in places slightly bigger than a closet, all of them having to sleep and eat in the same room. Having a roof over your head, a warm bed to sleep in, and food in your stomach, were the things her parents said truly mattered. She had that here along with people who cared for her and a woman close enough to Yukino that it was nearly like being with her again on certain days. As far as Haruka was concerned life was good.
It could be so much better though. If Shizuru was here. If Yukino was alive.
But those were things she couldn’t do anything about. Especially the latter and Haruka knew she had try and move on. Waiting was her plan for now, waiting for a year to pass, when she would be allowed to leave Garderobe. Once that occurred she would search for Shizuru. She couldn’t give up on the other woman. Not when she was the only person who understood how much it hurt, how empty her life had become, how this was all just a farce of normalcy that was eating away at her. Besides, Fumi-sama hadn’t abandoned Shizuru either. The Founder stalwartly maintained Shizuru as the 3rd Column in the materialization system for Garderobe and as long as she did that they couldn’t choose another Otome to replace her. Not that anyone really wanted to.
“I heard you sent a student crashing into the forest today,” Sara called out in playful accusation. The younger blonde had finished setting the table and was walking into the kitchen, a mischievous twinkle in her eyes. “I told you it’s not good to use your full strength against them. They’ll just end up overwhelmed, even if they’re Pearls.”
Snorting in disdain at this, Haruka replied, “And they’ll never get that way in battle? Don’t you think it’s better for them to learn about that kind of feeling when they’re safe at the academy instead of on a mission for their Master?” Observing the soup coming to a slow simmer, Haruka continued, “They freeze up then they’ll die. I’m trying to make it so it only happens with me.”
“Haruka,” Sara murmured her name with some surprise. “You’ve thought about this, haven’t you?”
“Maybe,” muttered Haruka, her cheeks tinged in a blush and she hopped down from the counter to turn off the burner. Reaching for two bowls, she set them down on the counter and began to ladle the hot soup into them. “When I started I just followed Miss Maria’s curriery, you know? But she’s almost too soft. Just has them fight each other. Never her. When we went to Garderobe unless you came up against a much stronger student you didn’t learn what it’s like, facing someone who can crush you in a second. With what we do that can happen a lot. You have to learn to control your fear or you’ll wind up dead.”
“Curriculum,” corrected Sara fondly and Haruka scowled as she handed the younger woman a bowl of soup. Sara grinned, looking over her shoulder as she walked into the dining room and said, “Despite your attacks on the Pearls you’re becoming the most popular teacher on campus. I heard a few Corals gushing over you when I came back from visiting Queen Mashiro earlier.”
“If it was Vaea and her group it’s because I was helping them with extra credit,” said Haruka, sitting down at the table with Sara. Staring at the soup, she said quietly, “And they don’t like me that much. It’s not how it is with Shizuru. They all loved her.”
Sighing heavily, Sara took a sip of the soup and pondered if she should take the opening Haruka presented her with or lead the conversation elsewhere. Certainly Haruka would allow it. She hated discussing Shizuru with the older blonde, hated the way the other Otome got a guilt ridden look on her features and gave a feeling of quiet longing. It was almost worse than how she was when she started thinking about Yukino’s death. At least that Sara could understand, anyone could see how much Haruka and Yukino loved one another, the devotion that they shared which lasted over half of their lives, but Shizuru…
What Shizuru ever did to merit such love and loyalty from Haruka baffled Sara. She knew they were close, she had been at Garderobe with them, and was well aware of their friends and rivals status that stemmed from their relationship as roommates. But that didn’t explain Haruka’s fixation with Shizuru. Why a day didn’t go by where she wasn’t mentioned in some way and how Haruka would look desperately lonely at just the thought of her. Haruka had so many people here who cared about her, who wanted to see her recover, to regain her old spirit so why did Shizuru matter so much? She was the person who injured her to the point of near death. They both lost someone that day and Sara knew that Haruka felt that just Shizuru could understand how much that hurt but it still didn’t sit right with her. All of her life she had devoted herself to the idea if you worked hard enough, if you were educated enough, and you tried your best you could achieve your goals.
Her goal was to support Haruka, to provide her with companionship and friendship, and to help her move on. Sara devoted herself to this as much as she did her duties as a Column and she thought slowly but surely she was succeeding but there was always Shizuru in the background. Haunting them like a ghost and it was a constant frustration to Haruka’s progress.
“Anh-oneesama agreed to go look for her,” Sara revealed, well aware of Haruka’s request to the older Otome.
“Really? When?” Haruka’s head whipped up and one question followed the other in a rush. “Where is she going to look?”
“Quang Bihn,” said Sara, a small frown tugging at her lips and her hand gripping her spoon tightly. It shouldn’t upset her, how excited Haruka was to hear news of Shizuru, how happy she became at just the prospect of someone finding her, but it did. Maybe it was just easier to be jealous of the living than the dead. They provided a more substantial target. “Nao lost her on the border of Zipang and Quang Bihn and Anh-oneesama thinks she could be in the capital city. She leaves in three days.” Looking at Haruka’s face that was suddenly so much lighter and shining with hope, Sara hated saying what was next though she knew she had to. “Haruka,” she murmured. “What if she never returns? Shizuru might prefer being by herself. She was a good Otome but she served more for the Principal than herself and now—”
“She’ll come back if I have to drag her here kicking and screaming,” said Haruka obstinately. “I don’t care what she did to me or what she says she wants. It’s not right, leaving her on her own. I know what she’s thinking, how she blames herself and nobody deserves to go through that alone. Especially not when they got friends waiting for them.”
“All right,” said Sara softly and she resigned herself to the reality that Haruka wouldn’t let this go. She only had a dim hope that the other blonde might give up but she never truly believed it. Haruka never abandoned her friends and that was what she considered Shizuru. Lifting her head, Sara gave her best and brightest smile and declared, “If Anh-oneesama can’t bring her back then I’ll search with you when your punishment is over.”
“Sara,” Haruka’s eyes went wide and a slow smile curved on her features, one that caused Sara’s heart to skip a beat and her cheeks to warm. Seeing that well worth the idea of aiding Shizuru’s return and there was the fact that Sara knew, deep down, it would make Haruka happy. That she would smile like this more often when Shizuru was with them again. “Thank you.”
“We’ll see how Anh-oneesama does,” said Sara wisely, taking a sip of the soup. “I think she should fair better than Nao. She’s from the east and Shizuru was her heya-gakkari. In some ways she might know Shizuru better than the rest of us.”
——
To a certain extent, Anh Lu was sheltered. She supposed in many ways that was the life of a Princess. Attending Garderobe was her first time stepping foot in another country. As her father’s Otome she rarely left An Nam unless she was on a diplomatic mission guarding him. Becoming the Infinite Wisdom Azurite did open up new worlds to her and she had seen many things over the years that her siblings never would because of her position. But despite all she had seen that sheltered Princess she once was never quite went away. Anh knew that, particularly in moments like this.
Shizuru Viola had always been different than her. The daughter of a Duke instead of a King, she wasn’t isolated and kept hidden for her own safety, brought out only for special occasions of state. Shizuru was doted on by her father to the degree that she could do whatever she wanted. While Anh had learned the art of charm and guile from life at court it seemed to come naturally to Shizuru and there was a freedom to her that Anh envied. She never feared rejection and simply went after what she wanted. Anh had been pursued in such a way at Garderobe and couldn’t help but want the girl for her heya-gakkari because of it.
An Nam was an old fashioned nation in many ways, rejecting newer technology, and steeped in tradition. Anh sometimes felt hindered by it in her youth and longed for the modern ways of their neighboring countries. She heard tales of Quang Bihn and their lawlessness and hedonism, legalizing things like gambling and prostitution, which would never happen in her own homeland. The tiny country was a traveling point for the eastern lands of Earl and it was easy to get lost here there were so many people. It didn’t surprise Anh too much that Shizuru would be found here but she didn’t expect to discover her in this place.
Working in a brothel.
The sheltered days as a Princess in her palace came rushing back to her and Anh felt an immediate distaste and disgust as she walked into the building. Shizuru teased her often, saying she only had morals when she was sober, and maybe that was true, she knew what she became when she drank and she often thought it was because of how she was raised. There were so many rules she had to follow as An Nam royalty, strict etiquette she had to obey, and it was stifling. When she was drunk she let all of that go and her desires were set free at last and it was a dangerous thing to witness.
After a quick conversation with the brothel owner, Anh was relieved to learn Shizuru wasn’t one of the prostitutes but was instead a bodyguard. But still, the idea of Shizuru in this place, with these people, it was such a downfall, such a waste. Anh tried to plan her words as she followed Madame Tien through cramped hallways until they came to a large dining room where several prostitutes sat at a long table. At the end of it was Shizuru, a sword in her lap and a crooked smile on her features as she flirted with several of the women.
“Shizuru-san,” Madame Tien called out. “You have a visitor.”
The clang of pots and pans continued but all conversation stopped as Shizuru looked at Anh. Her rust colored eyes narrowed and her lips curled in something of a mocking smile. “Anh-oneesama,” she drawled. “What brings you to Quang Bihn?”
“We want you to come back,” said Anh tightly, keeping her gaze fixed on Shizuru instead of the workers who looked at them with open curiosity. Anh tried to ignore the girl at Shizuru’s side who held her hand and looked like a pale imitation of Natsuki but found it impossible.
“Ara,” Shizuru clucked her tongue and formed an face of exaggerated sadness. “I’m afraid I can’t. I have a job here.”
“A job?” repeated Anh incredulously, unable to hide her contempt any longer. “You call this a job? You were once a Column of Garderobe, the most feared Otome among our numbers, and you’ve been reduced to this? A lowly bodyguard in a brothel?”
At this, even the clang of the pots stopped and the workers all stared at Shizuru in shock save for Madame Tien who had a knowing look in her gaze. Shizuru’s eyes narrowed and she rose to her feet, jian in hand as she said, “I think we should continue this conversation in private, Anh-oneesama.”
Though she moved with her usual elegance, there was a difference to Shizuru. The stench of alcohol was carried with her and once they were alone Anh could see a glaze in her eyes along with an emptiness. This wasn’t the woman she had known and part of Anh wondered if it was foolish to think they would ever see that person again. Shizuru closed the door to her small room then turned to face her, a cold look on her features, and a silent ultimatum in the air.
“What would Natsuki-san think?” Anh demanded, the words bursting from her lips before she could help herself. Natsuki had always been Shizuru’s weak point, the one thing that made her stop and consider, sometimes even hesitate, and Anh hoped by invoking her name she might get Shizuru to rethink her current behavior. “You working here? You bedding prostitutes?”
“My Natsuki is dead, she cannot think anything,” Shizuru spat out. “Is that all Anh-oneesama came to say?”
“The afternoon has hardly begun and you already reek of alcohol,” Anh continued, disapproving but worried as she neared the other woman. “Shizuru,” she reached out to touch the brunette but found her hand seized.
“If Anh-oneesama only came to lecture me I have better things to do,” said Shizuru, her voice flat.
“Why are you doing this to yourself?” asked Anh, searching for some sign of the girl who had followed after her in Garderobe wearing a brilliant smile and playful look on her features. “Natsuki-san wouldn’t have approved.”
“Anh-oneesama shouldn’t act as if sex without love is such a tremendous crime,” Shizuru said smoothly, lifting an eyebrow and releasing Anh’s hand. “It isn’t as if we were ever in love when we were together. I fail to see the difference.”
“You never paid me, nor I you!” Anh exclaimed, her cheeks red, her expression furious.
“There is that,” Shizuru allowed with a chuckle, moving across the room to pour a glass of alcohol. Hearing Anh’s protest on seeing this, Shizuru went on, “When I drink my mind isn’t as sharp and I can pretend I don’t remember. It’s the one thing that helps me to go on and those women don’t deserve your scorn, Anh-oneesama. When I’m with them I know for a few instants what it is to be happy again.” Shizuru took a long drink and when she was done, she said, “You shouldn’t judge.”
“Haruka asked me to bring you back,” said Anh when the silence got to her. She didn’t know what else to say, how to communicate with the Shizuru who stood before her as a virtual stranger, so she just told the truth. “Begged, actually.”
“Haruka doesn’t beg,” said Shizuru in swift reply, her voice flinty, and her hands gripped the glass hard enough that Anh thought it had a chance of cracking in her hold. “You’re lying.”
“She begged for you,” said Anh candidly and she chanced stepping closer to the other woman who was staring into her glass of alcohol. “She’s long recovered from those injuries you gave her and has taken over teaching Miss Maria’s classes at Garderobe. Shizuru,” Anh said her name softly, touching the brunette’s arm and smiling when Shizuru gazed at her with a lost look on her features. “If you don’t return with me now, she’ll come for you when her sentence is over. She wants you back.”
“Why?” asked Shizuru helplessly.
There were so many things she wanted to elaborate on. Why would Haruka want her around when Sara was right? When they only fed each other’s misery? When she nearly killed her? When she made her do things she never would have when she was in her right mind? When she was nothing but a burden and a curse to the other woman? Why would Haruka want any of that?
“Haruka needs you,” said Anh simply and she paused to dig through the pockets of her dress. After a few moments she presented Shizuru with the Bewitching Smile Amethyst GEM which sparkled in the dim light of the room and said, “This is yours.”
“What’s wrong with Haruka?” Shizuru questioned in a whisper, her eyes focused on the GEM, and her face shadowed. “Why does she need me? Sara was supposed to take care of her. She promised.”
“Sara isn’t you and Sara can’t be Yukino, no matter how much Haruka wants her to be,” Anh murmured sadly. They didn’t discuss it, the other Otome and the staff at Garderobe, but they all saw it. Witnessed the ways that Haruka tried to see Yukino in Sara and found relief in that and though they were glad to see Haruka’s spirits lifted it worried them all the same.
Her frown deepened and Shizuru slowly reached for her GEM with trembling hands and placed it in her ear, shuddering at the heat she immediately felt and the power that swept over her body. It was like a homecoming but it filled her with dread. Could she really do this again? Be an Otome? Live up to all those expectations? She didn’t know but she did know that Anh wasn’t lying to her when she said that Haruka needed her. Shizuru could see the truth of it in her eyes and that was the only thing that mattered. She left to keep Haruka safe from her but if Haruka needed her, if she wanted her, then Shizuru had to return. There was no other choice in her mind, not when Haruka was the only person who understood the misery that was losing Natsuki.
When they opened the door to her room, Rebecca was there, tears in her eyes and Shizuru held her close, then gave into temptation for the first and final time, pulling the girl in for a kiss. It was short and it was sweet and when it was done she gave Rebecca all of her money and touched her cheek, telling her to go to Laudenbach like she always dreamed. Then she materialized her robe to begin her flight back to Garderobe, back to Haruka, and back to what remained of her life.
To be continued...
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