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TITLE: A Thousand Glimpses
SERIES: All My Children
AUTHOR:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
dreiser
EMAIL: dreiser7@yahoo.com
YAHOO ID: dreiser7
MY WEBSITE: http://www.dreiser.org/
CONTENT: F/F romance. F/F sex. Bianca/Reese. Breeze.
SUMMARY: Reese Williams had experienced a thousand glimpses of the life she always wanted but until she met Bianca Montgomery she never thought she could have it for herself.
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing but my new temporary job that I start on Monday.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This chapter contains sex. I've gotten a more than few requests for updates privately so I'm posting the chapter without my beta's feedback. I'll add corrections later but let me know if you spot anything glaring as I love getting genuine C&C since it only helps me improve my writing.
I've never linked the song whose lyrics I used to get the title for this fic so I'm doing it now. The song in question is Leaves Eyes by Leaves Eyes.
If you're anal like me and want to see Reese's dress Click Here.
A Thousand Glimpses
By: Dreiser
Fourteen
Thursday afternoon, Reese got into Audrey's perversely small Audi to catch a two o'clock flight on Air France at the Charles de Gaulle International Airport. Bianca had offered to take Reese but the architect deflected the suggestion the best she could, distracting the other woman with kisses and whispered confessions of how much she was going to miss her. Though it made her feel awful to do this, Reese thought it was for the best. If Bianca drove her to the airport Reese knew that she would begin to feel guilty and would want to tell the brunette why she was flying to New York. That was something she wanted to keep to herself.
Reese knew what Bianca thought, it was easy enough to tell from the conversations they had and the affectionate way she treated her in public. She thought that Reese was out like she was. That her parents knew she was a lesbian and they accepted it, and her, completely and she didn't want the brunette to think otherwise. Especially now that she was taking this trip because soon it could very well be the truth.
There was also the fact that Reese was ashamed of her past. How she spent years denying her sexuality, hiding it from herself and others, going so far as to become engaged to a man she wasn't attracted to or in love with because it was easier… because it was what was expected of her and Reese always did what was expected. It was who she was but she wanted to change all that and this trip would do it. Coming out to her parents would change everything because for the first time since she was a small child they would finally know who she really was, not who she thought they wanted her to be. The prospect was terrifying but Reese knew it was necessary.
Besides that, it was what she wanted to do. She was happy and it wasn't an act, it wasn't secretly forced, it was the honest truth and Reese wanted her parents to know the reason behind that happiness. To know it was because of Bianca and Miranda and the future she saw herself having with them, the family they would create together. Reese wanted her father to know that she finally understood what he meant whenever he spoke about the seeing her mother up on that stage and instantly falling in love because the same thing happened to her in the Parc des Buttes Chaumont. Sometimes she thought she couldn't really continue in her life with Bianca if she didn't do this.
Whether it be for better or for worse, Reese had to tell her parents who she was and despite her more pragmatic side telling her to prepare for a maelstrom from her mother, she couldn't prevent the hopeful feeling she had as she stepped on her plane. Just because she had something in her life that brought that feeling to her and Reese never had that before. She never had someone who made her feel so very appreciated and cared for like Bianca and Miranda did. It left her bewildered at times, how their faces would light up and they would smile at her, saying her name with such happiness, letting her know that somehow or another just her being there with them was enough to create that joy in them.
That all she had to do was to be herself, nothing more and nothing less, that was all they wanted from her. Such a simple thing but it was an acceptance that made Reese want to cry on receiving it because all her life being herself had never been good enough. Herself was always awkward and artificial and Reese never felt comfortable in her own skin because she was forever trying to be something other than what her instincts told her to be. Even without her mother's criticism and cutting remarks, Reese never felt quite right in their circle.
Black sheep was her role in the family. Utterly untalented at music and lacking the natural social skills to charm people on sight, Reese only found her niche when she was in her senior year of high school, realizing her love for architecture and design. Even then she didn't quite fit because she was enamored with the math and science behind the buildings, not the art of design like her father and grandfather, and she rejected attending Cornell, choosing to run off to Paris and receive her education at l’Ecole National Superiere des Beaux Arts.
Even in Paris, her great escape, she didn't feel comfortable. Something wasn't right and Reese knew it was because she was hiding who she really was. Hiding it from her parents and even from herself, refusing to accept her lesbianism, thinking if she did it would be just another thing that made her stand out from the rest of her family, proving that she truly wasn't one of them. So Reese ignored it, she tried to reason away her attraction to women and her romance with Audrey as all the things she knew her mother would call it if she ever found out. That it was a passing fancy, a phase, or she was simply confused but Reese knew that wasn't the truth.
Women had always held a certain allure for Reese, even when she was too young for it to be sexual. She vaguely recalled her first grade teacher, Miss Sheldon, with her curly black hair and bright smile and how she would have done anything to make her happy. Even agreeing to share a table with the trouble making boys in the class who were fond of throwing toys at her until Reese got fed up and threw them right back. Reese remembered being eight years old and crying when she found out Miss Sheldon had gotten married.
Innumerable moments like that occurred throughout her life and Reese knew what they meant but she buried that knowledge deep enough it was almost like she didn't realize at all. It wasn't that her parents were bigots but Reese was well aware it was one thing to have gay friends and it was quite another for their daughter to be a lesbian. Her being gay was yet another thing that wasn't what they pictured for her, another wrecked expectation, another glaring disappointment, and it was the thing that made her feel the most isolated from them.
A part of Reese thought she would never reveal her sexuality because she couldn't see her parents accepting her, loving her, if they knew the truth. She didn't see anyone doing that really. Then she met Bianca and little by little all her habits, her quirks, they kept rising to the surface and they were all accepted with such an easy grace and kindness that Reese finally felt as if someone truly knew her. There were thing she kept from Bianca, like Simon and the broken engagement, but to Reese they were distant memories. It was as if these things happened to her in a past life, they seemed to so very far away and she refused to let them ruin her relationship with Bianca.
Her life was almost perfect and if she could somehow make her parents see, help them understand that she was finally happy, that she found what she had been looking for all her life in her romance with Bianca and they accepted that, accepted her, everything would be perfect and that feeling of isolation might actually go away. Of course, Reese wasn't naïve enough to think her parents would magically be fine with her being a lesbian, she was sure there would be a degree of shock and perhaps some polite outrage from her mother but if they gave her any sign, no matter how small, that in the end they would accept her… love her for who she actually was instead of who she had been pretending to be for all these years then Reese would consider her trip an enormous success.
The fact that she was willing to make due with so little from parents, scraps of affection and understanding, thrown away like pieces of an abandoned meal to a starving dog, might depress some but to Reese it was simply a reality she had lived with for years. In the end, none of it mattered, not even having their approval because if things didn't go as she hoped Reese would still have Bianca and Miranda waiting for her in Paris. She knew absolutely they were her future and if she had them eventually she could forget everything else and leave it in the past.
Eight hours on an airplane was never a fun experience. Although having a seat in first class did make it a bit more tolerable. If there was one thing she despised more than anything else about international travel it was the jet lag from the long flights and time difference. Since France was six hours ahead of New York by the time she arrived at JFK it was just past four o'clock and the sun was still high in the sky. Feeling completely fatigued and her mind hazy thanks to a lurking headache building behind her eyelids, Reese took the first cab she saw and headed towards The Carlton on Madison Avenue. Though it was technically early in the day, she was exhausted and wanted nothing more than to sleep, letting her brain finally have a rest after hours of contemplating and theorizing her parents reaction to her coming out.
Heading up to her usual room, Reese waited until was safely hidden behind its door to call Bianca. The other woman was in the middle of work and Reese knew she would be interrupting but before she left Bianca specifically requested she phone once she arrived in New York, insisting if she didn't know that the plane landed safely from Reese herself she would spend the day worrying. Bianca's voice was like a balm on her weary soul and hearing it made her feel that much better about the purpose of this trip. After a few minutes they said their reluctant goodbyes and the way Bianca said she missed her made Reese believe that it was actually the truth and not just a polite statement being made.
When she woke up early the next morning, her exhaustion was replaced with immense hunger and she quickly dressed and headed to Murray's Bagels in Greenwich Village at six a.m. It was a habit of hers whenever she returned to New York to spend her day visiting her favorite places to eat and just letting the atmosphere of the city wash over her. Walking out of the establishment eating an everything bagel and holding a bag with a pumpernickel one inside, Reese decided to spend the morning wandering around the city, trying her best to calm herself down before the early lunch she was having with her parents at their favorite restaurant.
As she began her trek about New York, munching happily away on her breakfast, Reese found herself thinking how much she would love to visit the city with Bianca and Miranda. Though people might not consider it the most family friendly place, Reese thought there was an endless amount of things they could do together that would be fantastic fun for Miranda. From visiting F.A.O. Schwarz to seeing the Sony Wonder Technology Lab. It was early in the morning when Reese walked into Central Park and as she did, she smiled at the sight of Alice's Tea Cup, considering it yet another place she could go with Miranda. The elaborate tea sets and fancy treats were things that the little girl would adore and despite it being incredibly child friendly there was a romance to their restaurants that Reese knew she would enjoy sharing with Bianca.
Taking a seat at Bethesda Terrace, Reese looked at the Angel of Waters sculpture for a moment and took in the familiar scenery. This had always been her favorite area of the park and when she was younger she used to come here and just sit and think. Later she brought her sketch book and created her earliest designs at this very spot. Which is why she had her sketch book with her now, pulling it from her briefcase with a smile, and settling in for several peaceful hours of sketching as she let the scenery inspire her.
It was late in the morning when the grumble of her stomach led Reese to debate whether she wanted to head over to Katz's Delicatessen for a pastrami on rye but in the end, she decided as much as she loved their sandwiches if she ate one she wouldn't have any appetite for lunch. A fact that would surely be harped on by her mother who wasn't fond of the places Reese liked to frequent for food in the city, thinking that they were beneath her or something else profoundly ridiculous that she chose to ignore. Which is why Reese found herself once again in Greenwich Village at one of her favorite restaurants that she was sure Miranda, even with her picky eating habits, would love.
Peanut Butter & Co. was a small shop on Sullivan Street that Reese happened upon during one of her recent trips home and had quickly become addicted to though she wasn't entirely positive why. Growing up she had never been given much peanut butter. In fact, she never had much of any of the usual foods that children became enamored by just because her mother never approved of them. When she was in middle school she developed a fondness for the snack though and when she discovered that there was a place dedicated to making nothing but various types of peanut butter sandwiches Reese knew she had to see it for herself. After eating their Fluffer Nutter and The Elvis, she considered it a needed stop during every visit to New York. Since it was a delicious but not entirely filling meal, Reese felt safe to order her usual grilled peanut butter sandwich, stuffed with bananas and honey, but deciding to leave out the bacon.
Giving into temptation and wanting Miranda to experience a bit of the shop for herself, Reese purchased a jar of the Dark Chocolate Dreams peanut butter and some Marshmallow Fluff then caught a cab to return to The Carlton. She spent her time going over what she was going to say to her parents and how she was going to say it. Whatever she did say wouldn't be voiced in the restaurant though. While Reese could admit it appealed to her, the idea of coming out in public, just because of the safety she would find in having other people present even if they weren't paying attention to her, she couldn't do it. She knew in the long run it would probably make her mother resent her more for taking such measures and despite everything, those manners that had hammered into Reese refused to let her create a possible scene.
Not that she thought her parents would ever do such a thing. That wasn't their way. Although she was confident in her father's affection and love for her, Reese didn't consider him particularly demonstrative and she certainly didn't think her mother was any different. Her father would give her hugs and a kiss to the head when he could tell she was upset over something but Reese couldn't ever recall this happening with her mother, even as a small child. She knew why, it was impossible not to when you attended any function with the Dillingham family.
Their world consisted of wealth and privilege and very set ideas of what people should be and how they should act. Ideas that never fit who Reese actually was and resulted in her feeling at odds with her mother and her mother's side of the family her entire life. Enough that she left for Paris in a desperate attempt to escape this feeling although it never went away, not until she met Bianca.
While Reese was with Bianca she finally felt like she belonged, that she had found her place in the world and that place was with the brunette and her daughter. Audrey always told her sometimes you have to make your own family rather than force yourself to fit into the one you're born into and while she did put some merit into this belief she never thought she would find someone to do that with. Only she had and it felt right and so eerily perfect that Reese somehow couldn't help but think if she just explained it to her parents in precisely the perfect way they would see it for themselves. They would see how happy she was and see that she had discovered at last just what she wanted to do with her life.
Being back in the city made Reese fall into old routines and she changed into a blue dress and black overcoat that she thought her mother would approve of. The dress was slightly sheer at the very top but had a matching long sleeved jacket you were meant to wear with it and was all held together with a small black belt. Altogether it created a modest but feminine look and it was a style Reese's mother often favored in her own clothing. Which is the main reason that Reese decided to wear it now. It had always been one of their regular arguments, Reese's choice in wardrobe, and she knew that even if her mother didn't say anything she would be pleased that Reese wore a dress to their lunch instead of her usual choice of pants. Hailing a cab and carefully sitting so there weren't any wrinkles in the material, she didn't notice the traffic despite the beeping of horns and usual colorful language because she was so lost in thought.
Soon they were stopped at 72 West 36th Street and Reese was staring at the familiar sight of Keens Steakhouse. One of the oldest restaurants in the city, her parents enjoyed it not only for the excellent food but its long history. A love for historical structures and museums was the only thing Reese really thought she had in common with her mother. Those rare happy times, the moments where she genuinely felt she connected with her mother were always on the sightseeing trips they took. They had traveled throughout the country to explore local landmarks often forgotten by the people who lived in the area because they weren't seen as normal tourist spots.
Walking inside the restaurant, Reese found her parents immediately, her eyes locking onto their distinguished figures. Her mother's blonde hair was done up in the bun, a style she favored more often than not and she wore a dark gray dress that had a straight neckline and when Reese approached their table she was gratified to see the silent look of approval her mother gave her. That was one thing she had on her side and hopefully as lunch progressed she would gain several others. Certainly she would need them once they returned home and continued their conversation. In fact, she planned on spending most of their lunch trying to make her mother as happy with her as possible in a calculated attempt to somehow cushion the blow of her coming out later. Though she wasn't sure how good of a strategy this was.
"Reese," Forrest said her name warmly and despite her mother giving the tiniest of disapproving frowns, he rose from his seat and greeted her with a hug. When they separated, he pulled out Reese's chair for her and said, "You look beautiful."
"Thank you," said Reese quietly and she shifted her attention to her mother. "I decided to wear it because Mother said the color suits me."
Looking to his wife with a smile, perhaps one a little too bright and maybe a little forced in its enthusiasm, Forrest replied, "It does suit you. I've always agreed with her that you don't wear enough dresses. You look so pretty in them, it's a shame you prefer pants."
Silence as Forrest and Reese waited for a reply, both hoping for some sort of compliment or agreement, but Claire simply narrowed her blue eyes slightly and questioned, "How have you spent the day?"
"Exploring the city mostly," said Reese, giving a smile and receiving one from her mother in return. It was a pastime that her mother often indulged in herself and recalling her wanderings, she remarked, "I saw that they closed Lundy's again."
"Too many neighborhood landmarks have been shutting their doors permanently," Claire sighed and her eyes drifted around the restaurant, taking in its old world charm and wooden décor. "I have been encouraged by the news that Chumley's should be reopening in 2009."
Before Reese could reply, their usual waiter, George, arrived at the table and chirped off what he thought would be their orders, laughing and wearing a large grin when the family agreed with his assessment. They were silent again then Reese cleared her throat and offered her mother a faint smile as she said, "I've been to the construction site for the Philharmonie de Paris in the Parc de la Villette after receiving your message, Mother. I think you would be impressed by the design, it's very well suited for acoustics but retains a classic charm."
"I would love to play there one day," said Claire and there was a wistful envy in her voice. Her lips twisted in an ironic smile and she arched an eyebrow at Reese. "Perhaps I would go by boat. I've still no idea how you and your father can fare so well on those long overseas flights."
"Take your prescription," Forrest and Reese said together, laughing softly on realizing they had chimed in with the exact same remark. This was an argument constantly brought up by everyone who knew Claire, including the members of her symphony orchestra. Though she was miserable on long flights and often got terribly sick, she refused to take the medication prescribed to her because she didn't like the idea of being on drugs, even doctor recommended kind. It was stance that was considered ridiculous by all who knew her.
"I refuse," said Claire plainly and Reese had to hold back the desire to laugh at the sniff of disdain her mother gave.
Their relationship wasn't the best one but it was in moments like this, when Claire was being so very human, that Reese couldn't help the wave of affection she felt for her. Sometimes Reese honestly felt that it wasn't so much that that her mother didn't love her, it was just that she didn't know how to go about expressing it. Claire was drenched in the rules of society and Reese knew all too well from dealing with her grandparents what a stodgy upbringing her mother had. Showing her emotions wasn't how Claire was raised and unfortunately that had consequences with how she dealt with her own daughter. Leading Reese to her feelings of inadequacy throughout the years.
The food arrived shortly and they settled in for a quiet lunch, though when Reese couldn't finish her mutton chop her mother, as expected, needled her about her eating habits while at home in the city. Forrest soon commented on Claire's great love for Papaya King hotdogs which caused her mother to protest that they were an institution in New York and it was practically required for those who grew up in the city to love them. With this unusually playful conversation continuing on, they got into her father's Lexus LS 460 and began the trip back to the house.
During the drive Reese did everything to keep her parents happy, agreeing with her mother's comments that she shouldn't become so absorbed in her work and telling her father she would do everything possible to come back again for another visit. When her father parked in the underground garage for their building at 995 Fifth Avenue and they headed into the private elevator to the floor their condo resided, Reese wondered absently why they referred to it as their house and not a condo. Maybe it was too much time spent in the city and anything you could own was considered a house in this area? Reese wasn't sure but they always referred to it that way, ever since she was a little girl, when she first learned from her mother that you should always be polite to the doorman and find out his birthday so you could get him a gift.
Having a brief chat with their longtime maid, Etta, when she took their coats went on longer than usual because Reese felt her nerves getting the best of her. Perhaps sensing this or even seeing it, Etta gave Reese a pat to the back as the architect followed her parents into the living room. Sitting across from them on one of horrifically uncomfortable but matching antique Victorian sofas her mother adored, Reese swallowed hard and tried to go through her rehearsed speech in her mind but suddenly she found those memorized words escaping her completely. It was then, perhaps against her better judgment, that Reese decided that it would be best to just blurt it out, to tell them in the manner she had Simon. Or as close as she could get considering how much more frightened she truly felt by the results of this confession.
Clearing her throat and shifting nervously on the sofa, Reese looked to her father who met her gaze with an encouraging expression and a little nod, as if silently telling her to go ahead, that it would be all right. Taking this to heart, Reese said, "I decided to come for a visit because you're right, Mother. We shouldn't be talking about important things like the reasons behind my ending the engagement to Simon over the phone. It should be done in person so you can see for yourselves how serious I am and so I can explain it properly."
"I wish you would," said Claire and her eyebrows drew down just a tad, giving her a well recognized look of subtle disapproval. She folded her hands neatly on her lap and said, "I find myself at a loss, Reese. Things appeared to be going so well between you. What happened?"
"I care for Simon, I always will, he's such a good man and I saw how much you approved of him," Reese looked away from her parents, unable to face them and keep going. "That's why I agreed to the engagement. You never liked anyone the way you liked him and I knew he loved me. I thought that eventually I would love him the same way except that never happened and the wedding kept getting closer…" Afraid of what she would see but compelled all the same, Reese turned to her parents and was surprised to see the look of empathy on both their faces. Naturally it was more subdued on her mother's but it was there all the same, making her want to continue. "I couldn't marry him, feeling that way. It wouldn't have been right. Not for me and certainly not for Simon. I'm sorry that I disappointed you, that was never my intention."
"Don't say that," Forrest murmured in that sad tone that always served to tug at her heart and despite her best efforts, Reese felt her eyes begin to fill with tears. "I've told you before, you didn't disappoint us. You could never do that. Isn't that right, Claire?"
There was a moment of silence then Claire said in a soft command, "Reese, look at me." Unable to fight her mother, especially when she made a direct request, Reese lifted her head and saw her mother's blue eyes gazing at her with a light of veiled understanding. "I have never lied to you and I will not start now. I was disappointed when you ended the engagement to Simon and yes, I was upset, but my disappointment and my momentary feelings of anger aside, you are my daughter. That is a reality that will never change. I hope that one day you might find someone to care for as I do your father. At one time, I had thought that was Simon but clearly I was wrong."
This was it, Reese realized, staring at her mother and seeing the awkward kindness on her classic features that nevertheless was an honest attempt to soothe her worries and make her feel better about the situation. "Actually," said Reese and her mouth felt so very dry and her voice was hoarse and it felt as if her heart would beat out of her chest she was so nervous. "I have found someone like that."
"Really," Claire said, her voice holding little inflection.
"What's his name?" asked Forrest, displaying much more enthusiasm and curiosity at this news. "Where did you meet him?"
"Bianca and I met her in the park," said Reese and when the only response she got was overwhelming silence then the muted sound of her mother's gasp, she knew things were not going to go as well as she hoped. Darting her eyes to her father who was looking at her with a good deal of shock on his features, she said to him in pleading tones, "This is why I couldn't marry Simon. I'm gay." She didn't know it was possible but she heard her mother swallow and it was in that moment that Reese decided she would do as she had always done since she was a child, she would look to her father for reassurance and understanding. Turning her attention to him, she said, "I've tried to hide it for so long. From the both of you, even from myself, but I always knew. That's why I never felt comfortable with myself or completely happy. Everything was always off just because I couldn't admit who I really was but now I can and I'm finally happy. Isn't it like you said, Dad? That's all you want for me?"
"I never expected this," said Forrest and he sounded genuinely bewildered.
"You don't know what you're saying," Claire declared and her jaw was stiff, a visible twitch present, as she looked at her daughter. "This person has influenced you in some way. It's happened most likely because you're vulnerable from ending the engagement to Simon."
"Bianca hasn't influenced me," replied Reese with a good deal of outrage, her eyes going wide. "Mother," Reese said, moving forward to sit on the edge of the couch and looking into the older woman's gaze, silently imploring. "I’m a lesbian. I've known it for years, I just couldn't accept it. Not until I met Bianca. She hasn't done anything to influence or convert me or whatever you want to call it. All she's done is care about me."
Claire's were bright and hard, just so very hard and almost merciless as they narrowed at Reese, then she stated, "I don't believe you. I will not believe my daughter is…" She trailed off, refusing to say the words, staring at the far side of the room. "This is preposterous."
"No," Reese argued, shaking her head, and feeling her cheeks grow hot with anger. "What's preposterous is parents refusing to listen to their daughter when she tries to tell them the truth about herself for the first time in her life. This is who I am, Mother, not who you want me to be and I'm sorry if you can't handle it but that's how it is. Your daughter is a lesbian, whether you like it or not."
"Reese," Forrest said her name softly and there was an unvoiced question there, a desire for further explanation, and it wasn't something that she could ignore, especially when it helped to quiet her mother temporarily.
"I've never felt this way before," said Reese in a rush, looking to him with wide eyes, begging for him to see and understand. "Whenever you talked about seeing mother onstage and instantly falling in love, I thought it was just a story, something you made up in your head to make it all seem more romantic than what it was. Then I met Bianca and I finally understood because I felt the same thing myself." Moving her gaze to her mother who stared at her with flinty blue eyes, Reese went on, "I've never been attracted to men physically or emotionally. It has always been women, even when I was young, and I tried to fight it because I thought you would never accept it… accept me," Reese's voice broke, thick with tears and misery, dragging her gaze away from her mother who wouldn't react, who only stared at her with those emotionless eyes.
Time was being fickle again and seconds seemed like hours and it dragged on and on, with Reese waiting for a reaction, something that would tell her maybe she was wrong. Maybe her mother could accept it, accept her, for who she really was. That maybe her father would speak up to give some words of comfort and a meager amount of understanding. Except that moment never arrived and she was left sitting there, tears in her eyes as she stared at her parents, a mother who refused to meet her gaze and a father who looked at her in helpless confusion.
"Okay," said Reese roughly, rubbing her eyes with the back of her hand and rising to her feet. "I guess I'll go."
Short steps to the entrance of the living room never seemed so long and then she heard her father murmur he would go with her but no response came from her mother. Forrest removed Reese's coat from the hall closet and he put it on her trembling figure, his hands lingering on her shoulders then he pulled her in for a hug and she breathed in the scent of his after shave, the shoulder of his shirt becoming wet with her tears as she cried and clung to him, wanting to hear him say that he still loved her but the words never came. She only had this hug.
Mike, the longtime doorman for the building, hailed a cab for her, a look of deep concern on his weathered features and Reese dimly recalled telling the cabbie to take her back to The Carlton and asking him to please wait for her to return. He gave an affirmative grunt, remarking that it was going to cost her but Reese didn't care about that. The only thing she cared about was getting out of this city and away from her parents. She hadn't unpacked, some tiny part of her maybe expecting this response, and Reese quickly gathered her bag then went downstairs to pay her bill. Throughout the ride to JFK, she kept playing it over and over in her mind. The look of restrained horror on her mother's face before she became so utterly cold and unfeeling and her father's honestly perplexed reaction appearing as if he didn't know who she was anymore.
Making her way through the airport until she found the Air France counter, Reese mumbled that she needed to change her flight, that she had to go back to Paris tonight. In much more polite terms than the cabbie, the woman told Reese it would cost her and she replied it didn't matter. She had to leave tonight, she couldn't be in New York any longer. The woman took this as a joke, perhaps, and chuckled then rescheduled Reese for the 12:50 p.m. flight, remarking Reese could make it if she ran, before tacking several hundred dollars onto the bill for this favor.
Though she didn't run, Reese did make her flight and she sat numbly in her seat, waiting for departure and wondering how it went all wrong. She wasn't an idiot despite her optimism when leaving for this trip, she knew her parents wouldn't take it well but she didn't think it would go this badly. Somehow she was convinced that she would get something from them, some small hint they could understand eventually, that they would still love her, and perhaps even accept her down the line but there was nothing. Just coldness and confusion.
A sort of daze surrounded her during the flight back to Paris. Why had it gone this way? Why didn't her father say anything? She could tell he wanted to but nothing… he said nothing, not even when they were alone. Staring out the window, looking at the clouds as the plane cut through them, Reese thought that perhaps it was because he didn't understand. Her father had always been more open emotionally with Reese, he was the expressive parent, but there was an incredibly logical side to him. One that Reese thought she inherited and she knew from experience that her father didn't like to comment on things he didn't understand and she could tell quite clearly from his reaction to her coming out that he didn't understand this. Still, he could have said something, anything, to reassure her and she would have walked away having some sort of hope that in the end everything could work out. That her parents would eventually accept her lesbianism.
He didn't say anything though and Reese didn't have that hope. All she was left with was a sense of desolation and misery. Things had been so very good when she left Paris. Her relationship with Bianca was the first real and true romance she ever had in her life. It wasn't forced and it wasn't about what she should be, it was about discovering who she was, finally finding someone who cared for the reality of who she was as a person and it made her so happy, enough that she thought her happiness would be enough to influence her parents. Only that wasn't the truth, they wanted her to be who they pictured for all these years, who Reese had been pretending to be and she couldn’t do it anymore, not when she finally had someone who accepted her for who she was. She couldn't go back into that box or she would suffocate.
Sleep eluded her during the flight but she could feel her mind shutting down as if she was resting and eventually she spent the remainder of the time simply staring out the window, unable to think about her parents rejection any longer. By the time she exited the plane, Reese didn't know if she could think about anything anymore. She was operating on instinct and maybe that's why she told the taxi driver at Charles de Gaulle to take her to Bianca's house. Certainly the brunette was on her mind just as much as her parents but when she got out of the taxi and was left standing alone in front of the house on Avenue Mathurin Moreau, Reese didn't know what to do, what to say, or even what she was doing there. It wasn't like she could tell Bianca what happened, if she did she would only end up hurting her.
How couldn't it hurt? Discovering that the woman you're dating just destroyed her relationship with her parents because she revealed your romance? Reese didn't want Bianca to feel guilty that she was seeing her, she didn't want her to feel responsible, not when this was really all Reese's fault for going on along with her parents for all these years. For always letting her mother have her way, allowing her to control her life, and trying so hard to be what she thought they wanted instead of simply being herself.
It was the middle of the night too, just past one a.m., and Reese didn't want to wake Miranda. Still, despite that, she remained where she was, staring at the pepto bismol pink arches dimly lit by a nearby street lamp, wanting so very badly to see Bianca because even if she couldn't tell her what happened on her trip to New York with her parents she knew somehow that the other woman could comfort her, just with her mere presence. Ducking her head and rubbing her eyes, Reese knelt down and opened her small suitcase, pulling out her BlackBerry and pressing the speed dial button for Bianca's cell phone, thinking it was the safest way to contact the brunette without waking Miranda in the process.
"Hello?" Bianca's sleepy voice sounded sweet in her ear and Reese had to swallow the emotion that welled up on hearing it.
"Bianca," Reese tried to say her name normally, whatever that was, but she knew she failed. She knew because she could hear the rustling of sheets and she gave a short bursting laugh at this, realizing she had already worried the other woman.
"Reese? Are you all right? Did something happen in New York?" asked Bianca and one question came quickly after the other, each sounding more worried than the last and Reese rubbed at her eyes again, not wanting the brunette to see tears when she came to the door.
"I'm not in New York," said Reese wryly, finding an almost twisted humor in how short her trip was. "I'm standing outside your house."
"What? Hold on," Bianca instructed forcefully but gently at the same time and it reminded Reese of how she spoke to Miranda. She wondered absently how she would have turned out if her mother had been like Bianca. Certainly she wouldn't be in this situation now. Moments later, the front door opened and the younger woman was standing in front of her, a fluffy black robe pulled tight around her body. Her dark eyes were filled with concern and she stepped forward, taking Reese's hand and pulling her carefully forward. "Come in."
Reese watched Bianca end their call and place her BlackBerry on a nearby table before turning her attention to the blonde. Wearing the blue dress she wrongly thought would please her mother enough to make some sort of dent in her usual wall of defenses, Reese shoved her hands into the pockets of her overcoat, tucking her cell phone away in the process. She looked away from Bianca, trying to concentrate on what she needed to say, how she could reassure the other woman she was all right but no ideas came and then she felt the delicate touch of Bianca's hands on her face, holding it so very tenderly, moving her head until they were looking into each other's eyes.
"Hey," Bianca murmured and her fingers spread out across Reese's skin, calming her with their light touch. "What's going on?"
Words, words, she needed words. Something to say, anything to say, she needed to speak but Reese couldn't. All she could do was blink away the tears forming in her eyes and duck her head down, avoiding Bianca's dark and seeking gaze that made her want to tell her everything despite the pain she knew it would cause and the damage she was sure it would do to their relationship. Damage that she couldn't allow to occur because Reese was sure as crushed as she was by her parents rejection to lose Bianca and Miranda on top of it would completely wreck what was left of her. Enough that she wasn't sure there would be anything left in the end, merely a shell of a person.
That comforting murmur, low and soothing, nonsensical in its message but healing all the same and Bianca pulled her into an embrace, wrapping Reese up in her arms, her fingers tangling in blonde hair and massaging her scalp. "Don't cry," said Bianca in a hush. "Please, don't cry. You don't have to tell me what's wrong if you don't want to. I promise I won't make you."
She did cry though, she couldn't help but cry, only it wasn't from sadness from her parents rejection but from relief at Bianca's comfort and her acceptance. The brunette didn't have the slightest clue why Reese showed up on her doorstep in the middle of the night, obviously upset and unable to control her emotions, and she didn’t ask why. Bianca wanted to know, anyone would, but she was more concerned with taking care of Reese than she was with her own curiosity and it made her cry to realize this. To have yet more proof that Bianca really did care for her and it was as if life was giving her another sign of how this woman was better than everyone else she ever dealt with. Her parents included.
Distraught over her parents and desperate to have proof of Bianca's feelings for her, to possess the knowledge that what she had gone through in New York was worth it, Reese lifted her head and captured the other woman's lips in a fierce kiss. They had kissed countless times before and there had been many types of kisses, soft and sweet, deep and passionate, playful and flirty, but this wasn't like anything they experienced before. It was steeped in need and a boiling type of desire, one that threatened to overtake them both, falling over them in a wave and when they parted, they were breathing hard and Bianca was looking at her with dark and shining eyes that somehow understood.
"Is this what you want?" asked Bianca in a whisper and she reached out with a pale hand, cupping Reese's breast and looking at her with those dark eyes that flashed with so much promise and intent that the blonde felt herself become wet at the sight of it. "Because I won't--"
Another kiss because Reese couldn't let Bianca finish that sentence. Couldn't let her say whatever came next because it wasn't what she wanted tonight, it wasn't what she needed, and she knew where it came from. She knew that Bianca didn't want to take advantage of her and that's why she was saying it but Reese also knew such a thing simply wasn't possible. Not after everything she went through during her life with her parents. The idea that Bianca with her good heart and pure honesty could ever do something amoral to benefit her desires just wasn't possible in Reese's mind and she didn't want to hear the mere suggestion of it, even from Bianca herself.
"Take me to bed," Reese breathed this more than said it, her voice a throaty instruction.
There was the barest hint of a yes then Bianca's hand was in hers and she was being led down the hall to the brunette's bedroom. Reese wasn't aware of the door shutting until she heard the clack of the wood then she felt Bianca's hand on the small of her back, tracing upwards, making her tremble and turn around, holding the brunette's face in her hands like it was a piece of fine china, kissing her with an urgency she had never felt before, groaning when Bianca returned that kiss, sucking on her tongue and her hands falling down to cup her rear, pulling them close together, close enough where it seemed like there wasn't any space between them. Only there was because they still had their clothes on and that was the last thing Reese wanted, she needed them not to have any barriers, even the most superficial, and she tugged at Bianca's robe until it fell to the floor in a puddle. Her hands paused at the edge of the other woman's shirt and despite her lust, despite her need, Reese looked up at her with worried and plaintive eyes, wondering if this is what Bianca really wanted or if she was somehow forcing her.
As always, Bianca seemed to sense what Reese was thinking and her delicate hands rested on top of Reese's, encouraging them upwards with a gentle push as she murmured, "Go ahead. I want you to."
This was all the permission that Reese needed and in seconds Bianca was topless and the blonde was once again holding the welcome weight of the brunette's breasts in her hand. Moving closer yet, she dipped her head down, capturing a dusky pink nipple in her mouth and sucking, all while her free hand traveled around Bianca's waist, pulling her forward, needing Bianca to be pressed against her as much as possible. Needing to know she was there and she enjoyed what Reese was doing to her. Something that she was in very little doubt about when she heard the low moan from the other woman and felt the sharp tangle of fingers in her hair as Bianca's chest thrust proudly outwards, moving further into her mouth. Reese needed to kiss her and so she left those breasts, momentarily satisfied to cup one in her right hand as she kissed Bianca, tasting from her hard and deep and delighting in the soft sighs of passion and the subtle shake of her body.
When they parted Bianca wore a sensual smile that held a touch of teasing all the same, then she said in a low voice, thick with desire that Reese was wearing too many clothes. Realizing this to be the truth, Reese helped make short work of her clothing until soon they were both standing naked in front of one another and she could hardly concentrate on what was happening, she was so enamored with the sight of Bianca. The dark haired woman was lush with curves and valleys and Reese knew she would be beautiful but she didn't realize how much and as irrational as it was, it made her start to cry again, to think someone this beautiful, on the inside and out, wanted her. It was more than Reese knew what to do with but Bianca knew, she knew and she gathered Reese in her arms, soothing her with murmurs and kisses and caresses until Reese's tears dwindled down to nothing then she led her over to the bed. Bianca was going to ask her if she was sure again, she was going to question if this was what Reese really wanted, what she needed, and she couldn't have that so Reese rose up on the bed, pulling Bianca forward until the other woman was on top of her and she kissed her without any sign of restraint.
Some portion of Reese always held back, that was how she was, she couldn't help it with how she was raised. Though she had tried again and again to get rid of this instinct, particularly when she was with Bianca she didn't seem to have that ability. Until now, until she knew that if she didn't get rid of it, if she didn't destroy that unwelcome part of her, she could ruin their relationship. Bianca would always be left questioning if what they did was really what Reese wanted and not what Reese thought was expected and she couldn't have that. Not when it was so very far from the truth. Her hands sliding over Bianca's hips, full and warm to her touch, Reese maneuvered them so the brunette was lying back on the bed, already mussed from the sleep that she had interrupted and she set about the task of learning Bianca's body. Memorizing it with her lips, fingers, and tongue, exploring it with the same focused intent she had for a project at work, but with far more pleasure behind the results, breathing in Bianca's sighs and moving with the slight shudders in her chest.
Sex wasn't anything new to Reese but this was different. Her encounters with men were stifling and left her ill at ease and she always felt as if there was something wrong with her because no matter who it was with, things never felt quite right. It was better with women, with Audrey, but that hesitation lingered and she could never entirely relax and let go, her mind always going a hundred miles a minute, analyzing everything that was happening, taking away the spontaneity of the moment, removing the emotion. When she touched Bianca, when she kissed her, when she breathed in her gasps and moans it was intuition and it was feeling. Reese wasn't thinking and planning what she had to do next to make the brunette feel good, somehow she just knew, and it was that insight that had her leaving a path of kisses down Bianca's stomach, her hands spreading across the other woman's thighs, palms flat and she looked up, silently asking permission.
Just a jerk of her head and those dark eyes looking at her with such intensity it froze Reese for a moment, she was so caught up in it, captivated by the lust she saw there and marveling she was the cause of it. Stretching her fingers out, she nudged Bianca's legs apart and lowered her head and drawn by some inexplicable need to feel and touch, she rested the side of her face against the other woman's thigh as she caressed Bianca in slow small circles. It was strange, to feel this much desire, this much passion, and to feel so very content. There was no rush in this moment, there was no plan, it was just about being with Bianca and that was all it took to make Reese happy.
A breath of air, lightly blown from her lips and onto Bianca's pussy, and the brunette's hips rose slightly then a sardonic sort of chuckle filled the air. Reese felt delicate fingers that had proven to be deceptively strong thread into her hair, encouraging a more in depth exploration and she didn't see how she could refuse. Particularly when it was precisely what she wanted. Dipping her head down, Reese flattened her tongue to have first taste of the other woman and though she would never admit it, she had wondered what Bianca would taste like. Would she be the same or different from the others? Reese hoped the latter because that was Bianca's place in her life, being so startlingly outside the norm that she swept Reese off her feet just with her very presence and this time was no exception. The brunette had a salty texture but it was also strangely sweet all the same, reminding the architect of her personality, and Reese found it fitting that she couldn't get enough.
With a smile curving onto her lips, delighting in the trembles and the sighs, Reese sucked on Bianca's clit, lightly flicking her tongue and her smile becoming that much larger as she felt the fingers threaded in her hair contract involuntarily. Moving her tongue in circles over Bianca's clit, her pace increasing as she felt the other woman's hips move up off the bed and her thighs clamping down, Reese slipped her hands under Bianca's rear and lifted her upwards, bringing her closer yet as she continued her exploration. She didn't know where the strength came from but Reese was grateful for it because when Bianca had an orgasm she felt it with every inch of her, in her mouth, in her hands, in her mind, and it arrived with such power and beauty that Reese wanted to cry at it but she felt as if she hadn't anymore tears.
Bianca slowly relaxed and Reese felt a subtle tug at her hand, urging her forward and she slid over the brunette, enjoying the feel of skin on skin and sighing happily when the brunette captured her lips for a kiss. It was long and it was gentle and it was caring, so incredibly caring that it left Reese knowing exactly how much Bianca felt for her in this moment and suddenly Reese was kissing the other woman harder, needing more, desperately wanting further proof of the brunette's feelings for her because it was what she required most. As they separated, Bianca looked at her with dark eyes that to Reese seemed to almost glitter and she laid her hand flat against the blonde's cheek, stroking her skin in a soft caress then she slid closer, her lips a breath from Reese's as she murmured, "Tell me what you want?"
The words, they were missing again, and Reese didn't know what to say, how to explain everything she wanted from Bianca because it all seemed like so very much, but she thought somehow Bianca understood. A smile spread across her pale features that were filled with such compassion and she whispered quietly that it would be okay, that she would make her feel good, then Bianca kissed her so sweetly, with a sort of tenderness that took Reese's breath away, and she felt that part of her brain that always planned, that always focused on logic, shut down completely and she surrendered to Bianca's touch, shaking from desire and arching into clever hands as they moved across her body.
There wasn't a part of her Bianca didn't touch, that she didn't kiss, that she didn't caress and Reese almost felt like she was being driven mad by it, from the attention that the brunette was giving her because it all seemed like too much, more than she deserved, and certainly more than she had ever been given. All the same, Reese didn't want it to stop, she never wanted it to stop, but there was something very specific she wanted Bianca to do. Most of her sexual encounters had been with men and they were painful at their worst and tolerable at their best and while her experiences, few as they were, with women were better Reese always felt something was missing.
Sometimes sex could be very good, especially when a woman went down on her, but no matter what, no matter who, Reese never experienced any sort of connection when she was penetrated. It just didn't do anything for her and it left her feeling empty and alone because she knew she should feel something, anything, but there was nothing. She wanted Bianca to be inside her and she somehow managed to say the words. The brunette looked at her with those dark eyes and they held such desire, such want for her, that Reese felt herself defenses crumble and she trembled as Bianca kissed her, murmuring her acquiesce against Reese's lips, continuing her kisses as her hand slipped down, until skilled fingers were lightly teasing at the outside of her pussy. A breath, a whisper, nothing more than a hush and Bianca asked if this was all right and Reese could only nod and kiss her, urgent in her need, and then she gasped as she felt Bianca's fingers slip inside.
People made noise during sex or at least everyone Reese had been with made noise. Even Bianca did, not a lot but some. Reese was always quiet, her orgasms were soundless, a silent scream and a muffled bite of the sheets and the pillow. Tonight was no different as Bianca slowly thrust into her, establishing a rhythm while her thumb lightly played over Reese's clit. The blonde squeezed her eyes shut and she released a muted cry of pleasure, unable to believe she had been right and deliriously happy that she was at the same time. Why was it different? Why didn't it feel awkward and invasive having Bianca inside of her? Reese didn't know and she wasn't sure she would ever have the answer but god, she was so appreciative of this fact, and spellbound by the connection she had with Bianca, especially when she opened her eyes and locked her gaze with the other woman's and she saw everything that Bianca was feeling.
Love wasn't something that Reese knew a lot about. It had evaded her for most of her life but she recognized that was what she felt in this moment, with Bianca moving inside of her deeper, harder, faster, her thumb a teasing caress on her clit and her lips full and lush on hers in a kiss that absorbed Reese's cries, taking them as her own. When Reese came, it was fast, like a strike of lightning then it was over and it was as if she was a great work of art that had been damaged and Bianca was the one who restored her because she finally felt like someone had seen her for who she really was, the person hidden under all those layers. She was happy to realize this, so ridiculously happy but for some reason she was crying too. Crying silent and gasping tears and she couldn’t stop. Reese had everything she wanted with Bianca, everything she needed, and it was all so perfect. How could her parents reject her for that?
"Reese," Bianca murmured and she felt herself gathered up in the brunette's arms, being held close as Bianca pulled a sheet over them and they sank back onto the bed. "It's all right," she soothed, her hands combing through the blonde's hair, and Reese felt the soft press of Bianca's lips against the top of her head in a kiss. "I'll take care of you. Just rest, okay?"
Implicitly trusting the other woman and exhausted emotionally and physically, Reese closed her eyes, comforted by the gentle stroke of Bianca's fingers through her hair and the rise and fall of her chest as she lay in the brunette's embrace. Reese buried her face in the crook of Bianca's neck, breathing in her scent that was light and delicately feminine, and she drifted off to sleep, utterly content and at peace for perhaps the first time in her life and she knew it was because of the woman holding her close. The one who finally made her feel loved.
To be continued...
SERIES: All My Children
AUTHOR:
dreiserEMAIL: dreiser7@yahoo.com
YAHOO ID: dreiser7
MY WEBSITE: http://www.dreiser.org/
CONTENT: F/F romance. F/F sex. Bianca/Reese. Breeze.
SUMMARY: Reese Williams had experienced a thousand glimpses of the life she always wanted but until she met Bianca Montgomery she never thought she could have it for herself.
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing but my new temporary job that I start on Monday.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This chapter contains sex. I've gotten a more than few requests for updates privately so I'm posting the chapter without my beta's feedback. I'll add corrections later but let me know if you spot anything glaring as I love getting genuine C&C since it only helps me improve my writing.
I've never linked the song whose lyrics I used to get the title for this fic so I'm doing it now. The song in question is Leaves Eyes by Leaves Eyes.
If you're anal like me and want to see Reese's dress Click Here.
A Thousand Glimpses
By: Dreiser
Fourteen
Thursday afternoon, Reese got into Audrey's perversely small Audi to catch a two o'clock flight on Air France at the Charles de Gaulle International Airport. Bianca had offered to take Reese but the architect deflected the suggestion the best she could, distracting the other woman with kisses and whispered confessions of how much she was going to miss her. Though it made her feel awful to do this, Reese thought it was for the best. If Bianca drove her to the airport Reese knew that she would begin to feel guilty and would want to tell the brunette why she was flying to New York. That was something she wanted to keep to herself.
Reese knew what Bianca thought, it was easy enough to tell from the conversations they had and the affectionate way she treated her in public. She thought that Reese was out like she was. That her parents knew she was a lesbian and they accepted it, and her, completely and she didn't want the brunette to think otherwise. Especially now that she was taking this trip because soon it could very well be the truth.
There was also the fact that Reese was ashamed of her past. How she spent years denying her sexuality, hiding it from herself and others, going so far as to become engaged to a man she wasn't attracted to or in love with because it was easier… because it was what was expected of her and Reese always did what was expected. It was who she was but she wanted to change all that and this trip would do it. Coming out to her parents would change everything because for the first time since she was a small child they would finally know who she really was, not who she thought they wanted her to be. The prospect was terrifying but Reese knew it was necessary.
Besides that, it was what she wanted to do. She was happy and it wasn't an act, it wasn't secretly forced, it was the honest truth and Reese wanted her parents to know the reason behind that happiness. To know it was because of Bianca and Miranda and the future she saw herself having with them, the family they would create together. Reese wanted her father to know that she finally understood what he meant whenever he spoke about the seeing her mother up on that stage and instantly falling in love because the same thing happened to her in the Parc des Buttes Chaumont. Sometimes she thought she couldn't really continue in her life with Bianca if she didn't do this.
Whether it be for better or for worse, Reese had to tell her parents who she was and despite her more pragmatic side telling her to prepare for a maelstrom from her mother, she couldn't prevent the hopeful feeling she had as she stepped on her plane. Just because she had something in her life that brought that feeling to her and Reese never had that before. She never had someone who made her feel so very appreciated and cared for like Bianca and Miranda did. It left her bewildered at times, how their faces would light up and they would smile at her, saying her name with such happiness, letting her know that somehow or another just her being there with them was enough to create that joy in them.
That all she had to do was to be herself, nothing more and nothing less, that was all they wanted from her. Such a simple thing but it was an acceptance that made Reese want to cry on receiving it because all her life being herself had never been good enough. Herself was always awkward and artificial and Reese never felt comfortable in her own skin because she was forever trying to be something other than what her instincts told her to be. Even without her mother's criticism and cutting remarks, Reese never felt quite right in their circle.
Black sheep was her role in the family. Utterly untalented at music and lacking the natural social skills to charm people on sight, Reese only found her niche when she was in her senior year of high school, realizing her love for architecture and design. Even then she didn't quite fit because she was enamored with the math and science behind the buildings, not the art of design like her father and grandfather, and she rejected attending Cornell, choosing to run off to Paris and receive her education at l’Ecole National Superiere des Beaux Arts.
Even in Paris, her great escape, she didn't feel comfortable. Something wasn't right and Reese knew it was because she was hiding who she really was. Hiding it from her parents and even from herself, refusing to accept her lesbianism, thinking if she did it would be just another thing that made her stand out from the rest of her family, proving that she truly wasn't one of them. So Reese ignored it, she tried to reason away her attraction to women and her romance with Audrey as all the things she knew her mother would call it if she ever found out. That it was a passing fancy, a phase, or she was simply confused but Reese knew that wasn't the truth.
Women had always held a certain allure for Reese, even when she was too young for it to be sexual. She vaguely recalled her first grade teacher, Miss Sheldon, with her curly black hair and bright smile and how she would have done anything to make her happy. Even agreeing to share a table with the trouble making boys in the class who were fond of throwing toys at her until Reese got fed up and threw them right back. Reese remembered being eight years old and crying when she found out Miss Sheldon had gotten married.
Innumerable moments like that occurred throughout her life and Reese knew what they meant but she buried that knowledge deep enough it was almost like she didn't realize at all. It wasn't that her parents were bigots but Reese was well aware it was one thing to have gay friends and it was quite another for their daughter to be a lesbian. Her being gay was yet another thing that wasn't what they pictured for her, another wrecked expectation, another glaring disappointment, and it was the thing that made her feel the most isolated from them.
A part of Reese thought she would never reveal her sexuality because she couldn't see her parents accepting her, loving her, if they knew the truth. She didn't see anyone doing that really. Then she met Bianca and little by little all her habits, her quirks, they kept rising to the surface and they were all accepted with such an easy grace and kindness that Reese finally felt as if someone truly knew her. There were thing she kept from Bianca, like Simon and the broken engagement, but to Reese they were distant memories. It was as if these things happened to her in a past life, they seemed to so very far away and she refused to let them ruin her relationship with Bianca.
Her life was almost perfect and if she could somehow make her parents see, help them understand that she was finally happy, that she found what she had been looking for all her life in her romance with Bianca and they accepted that, accepted her, everything would be perfect and that feeling of isolation might actually go away. Of course, Reese wasn't naïve enough to think her parents would magically be fine with her being a lesbian, she was sure there would be a degree of shock and perhaps some polite outrage from her mother but if they gave her any sign, no matter how small, that in the end they would accept her… love her for who she actually was instead of who she had been pretending to be for all these years then Reese would consider her trip an enormous success.
The fact that she was willing to make due with so little from parents, scraps of affection and understanding, thrown away like pieces of an abandoned meal to a starving dog, might depress some but to Reese it was simply a reality she had lived with for years. In the end, none of it mattered, not even having their approval because if things didn't go as she hoped Reese would still have Bianca and Miranda waiting for her in Paris. She knew absolutely they were her future and if she had them eventually she could forget everything else and leave it in the past.
Eight hours on an airplane was never a fun experience. Although having a seat in first class did make it a bit more tolerable. If there was one thing she despised more than anything else about international travel it was the jet lag from the long flights and time difference. Since France was six hours ahead of New York by the time she arrived at JFK it was just past four o'clock and the sun was still high in the sky. Feeling completely fatigued and her mind hazy thanks to a lurking headache building behind her eyelids, Reese took the first cab she saw and headed towards The Carlton on Madison Avenue. Though it was technically early in the day, she was exhausted and wanted nothing more than to sleep, letting her brain finally have a rest after hours of contemplating and theorizing her parents reaction to her coming out.
Heading up to her usual room, Reese waited until was safely hidden behind its door to call Bianca. The other woman was in the middle of work and Reese knew she would be interrupting but before she left Bianca specifically requested she phone once she arrived in New York, insisting if she didn't know that the plane landed safely from Reese herself she would spend the day worrying. Bianca's voice was like a balm on her weary soul and hearing it made her feel that much better about the purpose of this trip. After a few minutes they said their reluctant goodbyes and the way Bianca said she missed her made Reese believe that it was actually the truth and not just a polite statement being made.
When she woke up early the next morning, her exhaustion was replaced with immense hunger and she quickly dressed and headed to Murray's Bagels in Greenwich Village at six a.m. It was a habit of hers whenever she returned to New York to spend her day visiting her favorite places to eat and just letting the atmosphere of the city wash over her. Walking out of the establishment eating an everything bagel and holding a bag with a pumpernickel one inside, Reese decided to spend the morning wandering around the city, trying her best to calm herself down before the early lunch she was having with her parents at their favorite restaurant.
As she began her trek about New York, munching happily away on her breakfast, Reese found herself thinking how much she would love to visit the city with Bianca and Miranda. Though people might not consider it the most family friendly place, Reese thought there was an endless amount of things they could do together that would be fantastic fun for Miranda. From visiting F.A.O. Schwarz to seeing the Sony Wonder Technology Lab. It was early in the morning when Reese walked into Central Park and as she did, she smiled at the sight of Alice's Tea Cup, considering it yet another place she could go with Miranda. The elaborate tea sets and fancy treats were things that the little girl would adore and despite it being incredibly child friendly there was a romance to their restaurants that Reese knew she would enjoy sharing with Bianca.
Taking a seat at Bethesda Terrace, Reese looked at the Angel of Waters sculpture for a moment and took in the familiar scenery. This had always been her favorite area of the park and when she was younger she used to come here and just sit and think. Later she brought her sketch book and created her earliest designs at this very spot. Which is why she had her sketch book with her now, pulling it from her briefcase with a smile, and settling in for several peaceful hours of sketching as she let the scenery inspire her.
It was late in the morning when the grumble of her stomach led Reese to debate whether she wanted to head over to Katz's Delicatessen for a pastrami on rye but in the end, she decided as much as she loved their sandwiches if she ate one she wouldn't have any appetite for lunch. A fact that would surely be harped on by her mother who wasn't fond of the places Reese liked to frequent for food in the city, thinking that they were beneath her or something else profoundly ridiculous that she chose to ignore. Which is why Reese found herself once again in Greenwich Village at one of her favorite restaurants that she was sure Miranda, even with her picky eating habits, would love.
Peanut Butter & Co. was a small shop on Sullivan Street that Reese happened upon during one of her recent trips home and had quickly become addicted to though she wasn't entirely positive why. Growing up she had never been given much peanut butter. In fact, she never had much of any of the usual foods that children became enamored by just because her mother never approved of them. When she was in middle school she developed a fondness for the snack though and when she discovered that there was a place dedicated to making nothing but various types of peanut butter sandwiches Reese knew she had to see it for herself. After eating their Fluffer Nutter and The Elvis, she considered it a needed stop during every visit to New York. Since it was a delicious but not entirely filling meal, Reese felt safe to order her usual grilled peanut butter sandwich, stuffed with bananas and honey, but deciding to leave out the bacon.
Giving into temptation and wanting Miranda to experience a bit of the shop for herself, Reese purchased a jar of the Dark Chocolate Dreams peanut butter and some Marshmallow Fluff then caught a cab to return to The Carlton. She spent her time going over what she was going to say to her parents and how she was going to say it. Whatever she did say wouldn't be voiced in the restaurant though. While Reese could admit it appealed to her, the idea of coming out in public, just because of the safety she would find in having other people present even if they weren't paying attention to her, she couldn't do it. She knew in the long run it would probably make her mother resent her more for taking such measures and despite everything, those manners that had hammered into Reese refused to let her create a possible scene.
Not that she thought her parents would ever do such a thing. That wasn't their way. Although she was confident in her father's affection and love for her, Reese didn't consider him particularly demonstrative and she certainly didn't think her mother was any different. Her father would give her hugs and a kiss to the head when he could tell she was upset over something but Reese couldn't ever recall this happening with her mother, even as a small child. She knew why, it was impossible not to when you attended any function with the Dillingham family.
Their world consisted of wealth and privilege and very set ideas of what people should be and how they should act. Ideas that never fit who Reese actually was and resulted in her feeling at odds with her mother and her mother's side of the family her entire life. Enough that she left for Paris in a desperate attempt to escape this feeling although it never went away, not until she met Bianca.
While Reese was with Bianca she finally felt like she belonged, that she had found her place in the world and that place was with the brunette and her daughter. Audrey always told her sometimes you have to make your own family rather than force yourself to fit into the one you're born into and while she did put some merit into this belief she never thought she would find someone to do that with. Only she had and it felt right and so eerily perfect that Reese somehow couldn't help but think if she just explained it to her parents in precisely the perfect way they would see it for themselves. They would see how happy she was and see that she had discovered at last just what she wanted to do with her life.
Being back in the city made Reese fall into old routines and she changed into a blue dress and black overcoat that she thought her mother would approve of. The dress was slightly sheer at the very top but had a matching long sleeved jacket you were meant to wear with it and was all held together with a small black belt. Altogether it created a modest but feminine look and it was a style Reese's mother often favored in her own clothing. Which is the main reason that Reese decided to wear it now. It had always been one of their regular arguments, Reese's choice in wardrobe, and she knew that even if her mother didn't say anything she would be pleased that Reese wore a dress to their lunch instead of her usual choice of pants. Hailing a cab and carefully sitting so there weren't any wrinkles in the material, she didn't notice the traffic despite the beeping of horns and usual colorful language because she was so lost in thought.
Soon they were stopped at 72 West 36th Street and Reese was staring at the familiar sight of Keens Steakhouse. One of the oldest restaurants in the city, her parents enjoyed it not only for the excellent food but its long history. A love for historical structures and museums was the only thing Reese really thought she had in common with her mother. Those rare happy times, the moments where she genuinely felt she connected with her mother were always on the sightseeing trips they took. They had traveled throughout the country to explore local landmarks often forgotten by the people who lived in the area because they weren't seen as normal tourist spots.
Walking inside the restaurant, Reese found her parents immediately, her eyes locking onto their distinguished figures. Her mother's blonde hair was done up in the bun, a style she favored more often than not and she wore a dark gray dress that had a straight neckline and when Reese approached their table she was gratified to see the silent look of approval her mother gave her. That was one thing she had on her side and hopefully as lunch progressed she would gain several others. Certainly she would need them once they returned home and continued their conversation. In fact, she planned on spending most of their lunch trying to make her mother as happy with her as possible in a calculated attempt to somehow cushion the blow of her coming out later. Though she wasn't sure how good of a strategy this was.
"Reese," Forrest said her name warmly and despite her mother giving the tiniest of disapproving frowns, he rose from his seat and greeted her with a hug. When they separated, he pulled out Reese's chair for her and said, "You look beautiful."
"Thank you," said Reese quietly and she shifted her attention to her mother. "I decided to wear it because Mother said the color suits me."
Looking to his wife with a smile, perhaps one a little too bright and maybe a little forced in its enthusiasm, Forrest replied, "It does suit you. I've always agreed with her that you don't wear enough dresses. You look so pretty in them, it's a shame you prefer pants."
Silence as Forrest and Reese waited for a reply, both hoping for some sort of compliment or agreement, but Claire simply narrowed her blue eyes slightly and questioned, "How have you spent the day?"
"Exploring the city mostly," said Reese, giving a smile and receiving one from her mother in return. It was a pastime that her mother often indulged in herself and recalling her wanderings, she remarked, "I saw that they closed Lundy's again."
"Too many neighborhood landmarks have been shutting their doors permanently," Claire sighed and her eyes drifted around the restaurant, taking in its old world charm and wooden décor. "I have been encouraged by the news that Chumley's should be reopening in 2009."
Before Reese could reply, their usual waiter, George, arrived at the table and chirped off what he thought would be their orders, laughing and wearing a large grin when the family agreed with his assessment. They were silent again then Reese cleared her throat and offered her mother a faint smile as she said, "I've been to the construction site for the Philharmonie de Paris in the Parc de la Villette after receiving your message, Mother. I think you would be impressed by the design, it's very well suited for acoustics but retains a classic charm."
"I would love to play there one day," said Claire and there was a wistful envy in her voice. Her lips twisted in an ironic smile and she arched an eyebrow at Reese. "Perhaps I would go by boat. I've still no idea how you and your father can fare so well on those long overseas flights."
"Take your prescription," Forrest and Reese said together, laughing softly on realizing they had chimed in with the exact same remark. This was an argument constantly brought up by everyone who knew Claire, including the members of her symphony orchestra. Though she was miserable on long flights and often got terribly sick, she refused to take the medication prescribed to her because she didn't like the idea of being on drugs, even doctor recommended kind. It was stance that was considered ridiculous by all who knew her.
"I refuse," said Claire plainly and Reese had to hold back the desire to laugh at the sniff of disdain her mother gave.
Their relationship wasn't the best one but it was in moments like this, when Claire was being so very human, that Reese couldn't help the wave of affection she felt for her. Sometimes Reese honestly felt that it wasn't so much that that her mother didn't love her, it was just that she didn't know how to go about expressing it. Claire was drenched in the rules of society and Reese knew all too well from dealing with her grandparents what a stodgy upbringing her mother had. Showing her emotions wasn't how Claire was raised and unfortunately that had consequences with how she dealt with her own daughter. Leading Reese to her feelings of inadequacy throughout the years.
The food arrived shortly and they settled in for a quiet lunch, though when Reese couldn't finish her mutton chop her mother, as expected, needled her about her eating habits while at home in the city. Forrest soon commented on Claire's great love for Papaya King hotdogs which caused her mother to protest that they were an institution in New York and it was practically required for those who grew up in the city to love them. With this unusually playful conversation continuing on, they got into her father's Lexus LS 460 and began the trip back to the house.
During the drive Reese did everything to keep her parents happy, agreeing with her mother's comments that she shouldn't become so absorbed in her work and telling her father she would do everything possible to come back again for another visit. When her father parked in the underground garage for their building at 995 Fifth Avenue and they headed into the private elevator to the floor their condo resided, Reese wondered absently why they referred to it as their house and not a condo. Maybe it was too much time spent in the city and anything you could own was considered a house in this area? Reese wasn't sure but they always referred to it that way, ever since she was a little girl, when she first learned from her mother that you should always be polite to the doorman and find out his birthday so you could get him a gift.
Having a brief chat with their longtime maid, Etta, when she took their coats went on longer than usual because Reese felt her nerves getting the best of her. Perhaps sensing this or even seeing it, Etta gave Reese a pat to the back as the architect followed her parents into the living room. Sitting across from them on one of horrifically uncomfortable but matching antique Victorian sofas her mother adored, Reese swallowed hard and tried to go through her rehearsed speech in her mind but suddenly she found those memorized words escaping her completely. It was then, perhaps against her better judgment, that Reese decided that it would be best to just blurt it out, to tell them in the manner she had Simon. Or as close as she could get considering how much more frightened she truly felt by the results of this confession.
Clearing her throat and shifting nervously on the sofa, Reese looked to her father who met her gaze with an encouraging expression and a little nod, as if silently telling her to go ahead, that it would be all right. Taking this to heart, Reese said, "I decided to come for a visit because you're right, Mother. We shouldn't be talking about important things like the reasons behind my ending the engagement to Simon over the phone. It should be done in person so you can see for yourselves how serious I am and so I can explain it properly."
"I wish you would," said Claire and her eyebrows drew down just a tad, giving her a well recognized look of subtle disapproval. She folded her hands neatly on her lap and said, "I find myself at a loss, Reese. Things appeared to be going so well between you. What happened?"
"I care for Simon, I always will, he's such a good man and I saw how much you approved of him," Reese looked away from her parents, unable to face them and keep going. "That's why I agreed to the engagement. You never liked anyone the way you liked him and I knew he loved me. I thought that eventually I would love him the same way except that never happened and the wedding kept getting closer…" Afraid of what she would see but compelled all the same, Reese turned to her parents and was surprised to see the look of empathy on both their faces. Naturally it was more subdued on her mother's but it was there all the same, making her want to continue. "I couldn't marry him, feeling that way. It wouldn't have been right. Not for me and certainly not for Simon. I'm sorry that I disappointed you, that was never my intention."
"Don't say that," Forrest murmured in that sad tone that always served to tug at her heart and despite her best efforts, Reese felt her eyes begin to fill with tears. "I've told you before, you didn't disappoint us. You could never do that. Isn't that right, Claire?"
There was a moment of silence then Claire said in a soft command, "Reese, look at me." Unable to fight her mother, especially when she made a direct request, Reese lifted her head and saw her mother's blue eyes gazing at her with a light of veiled understanding. "I have never lied to you and I will not start now. I was disappointed when you ended the engagement to Simon and yes, I was upset, but my disappointment and my momentary feelings of anger aside, you are my daughter. That is a reality that will never change. I hope that one day you might find someone to care for as I do your father. At one time, I had thought that was Simon but clearly I was wrong."
This was it, Reese realized, staring at her mother and seeing the awkward kindness on her classic features that nevertheless was an honest attempt to soothe her worries and make her feel better about the situation. "Actually," said Reese and her mouth felt so very dry and her voice was hoarse and it felt as if her heart would beat out of her chest she was so nervous. "I have found someone like that."
"Really," Claire said, her voice holding little inflection.
"What's his name?" asked Forrest, displaying much more enthusiasm and curiosity at this news. "Where did you meet him?"
"Bianca and I met her in the park," said Reese and when the only response she got was overwhelming silence then the muted sound of her mother's gasp, she knew things were not going to go as well as she hoped. Darting her eyes to her father who was looking at her with a good deal of shock on his features, she said to him in pleading tones, "This is why I couldn't marry Simon. I'm gay." She didn't know it was possible but she heard her mother swallow and it was in that moment that Reese decided she would do as she had always done since she was a child, she would look to her father for reassurance and understanding. Turning her attention to him, she said, "I've tried to hide it for so long. From the both of you, even from myself, but I always knew. That's why I never felt comfortable with myself or completely happy. Everything was always off just because I couldn't admit who I really was but now I can and I'm finally happy. Isn't it like you said, Dad? That's all you want for me?"
"I never expected this," said Forrest and he sounded genuinely bewildered.
"You don't know what you're saying," Claire declared and her jaw was stiff, a visible twitch present, as she looked at her daughter. "This person has influenced you in some way. It's happened most likely because you're vulnerable from ending the engagement to Simon."
"Bianca hasn't influenced me," replied Reese with a good deal of outrage, her eyes going wide. "Mother," Reese said, moving forward to sit on the edge of the couch and looking into the older woman's gaze, silently imploring. "I’m a lesbian. I've known it for years, I just couldn't accept it. Not until I met Bianca. She hasn't done anything to influence or convert me or whatever you want to call it. All she's done is care about me."
Claire's were bright and hard, just so very hard and almost merciless as they narrowed at Reese, then she stated, "I don't believe you. I will not believe my daughter is…" She trailed off, refusing to say the words, staring at the far side of the room. "This is preposterous."
"No," Reese argued, shaking her head, and feeling her cheeks grow hot with anger. "What's preposterous is parents refusing to listen to their daughter when she tries to tell them the truth about herself for the first time in her life. This is who I am, Mother, not who you want me to be and I'm sorry if you can't handle it but that's how it is. Your daughter is a lesbian, whether you like it or not."
"Reese," Forrest said her name softly and there was an unvoiced question there, a desire for further explanation, and it wasn't something that she could ignore, especially when it helped to quiet her mother temporarily.
"I've never felt this way before," said Reese in a rush, looking to him with wide eyes, begging for him to see and understand. "Whenever you talked about seeing mother onstage and instantly falling in love, I thought it was just a story, something you made up in your head to make it all seem more romantic than what it was. Then I met Bianca and I finally understood because I felt the same thing myself." Moving her gaze to her mother who stared at her with flinty blue eyes, Reese went on, "I've never been attracted to men physically or emotionally. It has always been women, even when I was young, and I tried to fight it because I thought you would never accept it… accept me," Reese's voice broke, thick with tears and misery, dragging her gaze away from her mother who wouldn't react, who only stared at her with those emotionless eyes.
Time was being fickle again and seconds seemed like hours and it dragged on and on, with Reese waiting for a reaction, something that would tell her maybe she was wrong. Maybe her mother could accept it, accept her, for who she really was. That maybe her father would speak up to give some words of comfort and a meager amount of understanding. Except that moment never arrived and she was left sitting there, tears in her eyes as she stared at her parents, a mother who refused to meet her gaze and a father who looked at her in helpless confusion.
"Okay," said Reese roughly, rubbing her eyes with the back of her hand and rising to her feet. "I guess I'll go."
Short steps to the entrance of the living room never seemed so long and then she heard her father murmur he would go with her but no response came from her mother. Forrest removed Reese's coat from the hall closet and he put it on her trembling figure, his hands lingering on her shoulders then he pulled her in for a hug and she breathed in the scent of his after shave, the shoulder of his shirt becoming wet with her tears as she cried and clung to him, wanting to hear him say that he still loved her but the words never came. She only had this hug.
Mike, the longtime doorman for the building, hailed a cab for her, a look of deep concern on his weathered features and Reese dimly recalled telling the cabbie to take her back to The Carlton and asking him to please wait for her to return. He gave an affirmative grunt, remarking that it was going to cost her but Reese didn't care about that. The only thing she cared about was getting out of this city and away from her parents. She hadn't unpacked, some tiny part of her maybe expecting this response, and Reese quickly gathered her bag then went downstairs to pay her bill. Throughout the ride to JFK, she kept playing it over and over in her mind. The look of restrained horror on her mother's face before she became so utterly cold and unfeeling and her father's honestly perplexed reaction appearing as if he didn't know who she was anymore.
Making her way through the airport until she found the Air France counter, Reese mumbled that she needed to change her flight, that she had to go back to Paris tonight. In much more polite terms than the cabbie, the woman told Reese it would cost her and she replied it didn't matter. She had to leave tonight, she couldn't be in New York any longer. The woman took this as a joke, perhaps, and chuckled then rescheduled Reese for the 12:50 p.m. flight, remarking Reese could make it if she ran, before tacking several hundred dollars onto the bill for this favor.
Though she didn't run, Reese did make her flight and she sat numbly in her seat, waiting for departure and wondering how it went all wrong. She wasn't an idiot despite her optimism when leaving for this trip, she knew her parents wouldn't take it well but she didn't think it would go this badly. Somehow she was convinced that she would get something from them, some small hint they could understand eventually, that they would still love her, and perhaps even accept her down the line but there was nothing. Just coldness and confusion.
A sort of daze surrounded her during the flight back to Paris. Why had it gone this way? Why didn't her father say anything? She could tell he wanted to but nothing… he said nothing, not even when they were alone. Staring out the window, looking at the clouds as the plane cut through them, Reese thought that perhaps it was because he didn't understand. Her father had always been more open emotionally with Reese, he was the expressive parent, but there was an incredibly logical side to him. One that Reese thought she inherited and she knew from experience that her father didn't like to comment on things he didn't understand and she could tell quite clearly from his reaction to her coming out that he didn't understand this. Still, he could have said something, anything, to reassure her and she would have walked away having some sort of hope that in the end everything could work out. That her parents would eventually accept her lesbianism.
He didn't say anything though and Reese didn't have that hope. All she was left with was a sense of desolation and misery. Things had been so very good when she left Paris. Her relationship with Bianca was the first real and true romance she ever had in her life. It wasn't forced and it wasn't about what she should be, it was about discovering who she was, finally finding someone who cared for the reality of who she was as a person and it made her so happy, enough that she thought her happiness would be enough to influence her parents. Only that wasn't the truth, they wanted her to be who they pictured for all these years, who Reese had been pretending to be and she couldn’t do it anymore, not when she finally had someone who accepted her for who she was. She couldn't go back into that box or she would suffocate.
Sleep eluded her during the flight but she could feel her mind shutting down as if she was resting and eventually she spent the remainder of the time simply staring out the window, unable to think about her parents rejection any longer. By the time she exited the plane, Reese didn't know if she could think about anything anymore. She was operating on instinct and maybe that's why she told the taxi driver at Charles de Gaulle to take her to Bianca's house. Certainly the brunette was on her mind just as much as her parents but when she got out of the taxi and was left standing alone in front of the house on Avenue Mathurin Moreau, Reese didn't know what to do, what to say, or even what she was doing there. It wasn't like she could tell Bianca what happened, if she did she would only end up hurting her.
How couldn't it hurt? Discovering that the woman you're dating just destroyed her relationship with her parents because she revealed your romance? Reese didn't want Bianca to feel guilty that she was seeing her, she didn't want her to feel responsible, not when this was really all Reese's fault for going on along with her parents for all these years. For always letting her mother have her way, allowing her to control her life, and trying so hard to be what she thought they wanted instead of simply being herself.
It was the middle of the night too, just past one a.m., and Reese didn't want to wake Miranda. Still, despite that, she remained where she was, staring at the pepto bismol pink arches dimly lit by a nearby street lamp, wanting so very badly to see Bianca because even if she couldn't tell her what happened on her trip to New York with her parents she knew somehow that the other woman could comfort her, just with her mere presence. Ducking her head and rubbing her eyes, Reese knelt down and opened her small suitcase, pulling out her BlackBerry and pressing the speed dial button for Bianca's cell phone, thinking it was the safest way to contact the brunette without waking Miranda in the process.
"Hello?" Bianca's sleepy voice sounded sweet in her ear and Reese had to swallow the emotion that welled up on hearing it.
"Bianca," Reese tried to say her name normally, whatever that was, but she knew she failed. She knew because she could hear the rustling of sheets and she gave a short bursting laugh at this, realizing she had already worried the other woman.
"Reese? Are you all right? Did something happen in New York?" asked Bianca and one question came quickly after the other, each sounding more worried than the last and Reese rubbed at her eyes again, not wanting the brunette to see tears when she came to the door.
"I'm not in New York," said Reese wryly, finding an almost twisted humor in how short her trip was. "I'm standing outside your house."
"What? Hold on," Bianca instructed forcefully but gently at the same time and it reminded Reese of how she spoke to Miranda. She wondered absently how she would have turned out if her mother had been like Bianca. Certainly she wouldn't be in this situation now. Moments later, the front door opened and the younger woman was standing in front of her, a fluffy black robe pulled tight around her body. Her dark eyes were filled with concern and she stepped forward, taking Reese's hand and pulling her carefully forward. "Come in."
Reese watched Bianca end their call and place her BlackBerry on a nearby table before turning her attention to the blonde. Wearing the blue dress she wrongly thought would please her mother enough to make some sort of dent in her usual wall of defenses, Reese shoved her hands into the pockets of her overcoat, tucking her cell phone away in the process. She looked away from Bianca, trying to concentrate on what she needed to say, how she could reassure the other woman she was all right but no ideas came and then she felt the delicate touch of Bianca's hands on her face, holding it so very tenderly, moving her head until they were looking into each other's eyes.
"Hey," Bianca murmured and her fingers spread out across Reese's skin, calming her with their light touch. "What's going on?"
Words, words, she needed words. Something to say, anything to say, she needed to speak but Reese couldn't. All she could do was blink away the tears forming in her eyes and duck her head down, avoiding Bianca's dark and seeking gaze that made her want to tell her everything despite the pain she knew it would cause and the damage she was sure it would do to their relationship. Damage that she couldn't allow to occur because Reese was sure as crushed as she was by her parents rejection to lose Bianca and Miranda on top of it would completely wreck what was left of her. Enough that she wasn't sure there would be anything left in the end, merely a shell of a person.
That comforting murmur, low and soothing, nonsensical in its message but healing all the same and Bianca pulled her into an embrace, wrapping Reese up in her arms, her fingers tangling in blonde hair and massaging her scalp. "Don't cry," said Bianca in a hush. "Please, don't cry. You don't have to tell me what's wrong if you don't want to. I promise I won't make you."
She did cry though, she couldn't help but cry, only it wasn't from sadness from her parents rejection but from relief at Bianca's comfort and her acceptance. The brunette didn't have the slightest clue why Reese showed up on her doorstep in the middle of the night, obviously upset and unable to control her emotions, and she didn’t ask why. Bianca wanted to know, anyone would, but she was more concerned with taking care of Reese than she was with her own curiosity and it made her cry to realize this. To have yet more proof that Bianca really did care for her and it was as if life was giving her another sign of how this woman was better than everyone else she ever dealt with. Her parents included.
Distraught over her parents and desperate to have proof of Bianca's feelings for her, to possess the knowledge that what she had gone through in New York was worth it, Reese lifted her head and captured the other woman's lips in a fierce kiss. They had kissed countless times before and there had been many types of kisses, soft and sweet, deep and passionate, playful and flirty, but this wasn't like anything they experienced before. It was steeped in need and a boiling type of desire, one that threatened to overtake them both, falling over them in a wave and when they parted, they were breathing hard and Bianca was looking at her with dark and shining eyes that somehow understood.
"Is this what you want?" asked Bianca in a whisper and she reached out with a pale hand, cupping Reese's breast and looking at her with those dark eyes that flashed with so much promise and intent that the blonde felt herself become wet at the sight of it. "Because I won't--"
Another kiss because Reese couldn't let Bianca finish that sentence. Couldn't let her say whatever came next because it wasn't what she wanted tonight, it wasn't what she needed, and she knew where it came from. She knew that Bianca didn't want to take advantage of her and that's why she was saying it but Reese also knew such a thing simply wasn't possible. Not after everything she went through during her life with her parents. The idea that Bianca with her good heart and pure honesty could ever do something amoral to benefit her desires just wasn't possible in Reese's mind and she didn't want to hear the mere suggestion of it, even from Bianca herself.
"Take me to bed," Reese breathed this more than said it, her voice a throaty instruction.
There was the barest hint of a yes then Bianca's hand was in hers and she was being led down the hall to the brunette's bedroom. Reese wasn't aware of the door shutting until she heard the clack of the wood then she felt Bianca's hand on the small of her back, tracing upwards, making her tremble and turn around, holding the brunette's face in her hands like it was a piece of fine china, kissing her with an urgency she had never felt before, groaning when Bianca returned that kiss, sucking on her tongue and her hands falling down to cup her rear, pulling them close together, close enough where it seemed like there wasn't any space between them. Only there was because they still had their clothes on and that was the last thing Reese wanted, she needed them not to have any barriers, even the most superficial, and she tugged at Bianca's robe until it fell to the floor in a puddle. Her hands paused at the edge of the other woman's shirt and despite her lust, despite her need, Reese looked up at her with worried and plaintive eyes, wondering if this is what Bianca really wanted or if she was somehow forcing her.
As always, Bianca seemed to sense what Reese was thinking and her delicate hands rested on top of Reese's, encouraging them upwards with a gentle push as she murmured, "Go ahead. I want you to."
This was all the permission that Reese needed and in seconds Bianca was topless and the blonde was once again holding the welcome weight of the brunette's breasts in her hand. Moving closer yet, she dipped her head down, capturing a dusky pink nipple in her mouth and sucking, all while her free hand traveled around Bianca's waist, pulling her forward, needing Bianca to be pressed against her as much as possible. Needing to know she was there and she enjoyed what Reese was doing to her. Something that she was in very little doubt about when she heard the low moan from the other woman and felt the sharp tangle of fingers in her hair as Bianca's chest thrust proudly outwards, moving further into her mouth. Reese needed to kiss her and so she left those breasts, momentarily satisfied to cup one in her right hand as she kissed Bianca, tasting from her hard and deep and delighting in the soft sighs of passion and the subtle shake of her body.
When they parted Bianca wore a sensual smile that held a touch of teasing all the same, then she said in a low voice, thick with desire that Reese was wearing too many clothes. Realizing this to be the truth, Reese helped make short work of her clothing until soon they were both standing naked in front of one another and she could hardly concentrate on what was happening, she was so enamored with the sight of Bianca. The dark haired woman was lush with curves and valleys and Reese knew she would be beautiful but she didn't realize how much and as irrational as it was, it made her start to cry again, to think someone this beautiful, on the inside and out, wanted her. It was more than Reese knew what to do with but Bianca knew, she knew and she gathered Reese in her arms, soothing her with murmurs and kisses and caresses until Reese's tears dwindled down to nothing then she led her over to the bed. Bianca was going to ask her if she was sure again, she was going to question if this was what Reese really wanted, what she needed, and she couldn't have that so Reese rose up on the bed, pulling Bianca forward until the other woman was on top of her and she kissed her without any sign of restraint.
Some portion of Reese always held back, that was how she was, she couldn't help it with how she was raised. Though she had tried again and again to get rid of this instinct, particularly when she was with Bianca she didn't seem to have that ability. Until now, until she knew that if she didn't get rid of it, if she didn't destroy that unwelcome part of her, she could ruin their relationship. Bianca would always be left questioning if what they did was really what Reese wanted and not what Reese thought was expected and she couldn't have that. Not when it was so very far from the truth. Her hands sliding over Bianca's hips, full and warm to her touch, Reese maneuvered them so the brunette was lying back on the bed, already mussed from the sleep that she had interrupted and she set about the task of learning Bianca's body. Memorizing it with her lips, fingers, and tongue, exploring it with the same focused intent she had for a project at work, but with far more pleasure behind the results, breathing in Bianca's sighs and moving with the slight shudders in her chest.
Sex wasn't anything new to Reese but this was different. Her encounters with men were stifling and left her ill at ease and she always felt as if there was something wrong with her because no matter who it was with, things never felt quite right. It was better with women, with Audrey, but that hesitation lingered and she could never entirely relax and let go, her mind always going a hundred miles a minute, analyzing everything that was happening, taking away the spontaneity of the moment, removing the emotion. When she touched Bianca, when she kissed her, when she breathed in her gasps and moans it was intuition and it was feeling. Reese wasn't thinking and planning what she had to do next to make the brunette feel good, somehow she just knew, and it was that insight that had her leaving a path of kisses down Bianca's stomach, her hands spreading across the other woman's thighs, palms flat and she looked up, silently asking permission.
Just a jerk of her head and those dark eyes looking at her with such intensity it froze Reese for a moment, she was so caught up in it, captivated by the lust she saw there and marveling she was the cause of it. Stretching her fingers out, she nudged Bianca's legs apart and lowered her head and drawn by some inexplicable need to feel and touch, she rested the side of her face against the other woman's thigh as she caressed Bianca in slow small circles. It was strange, to feel this much desire, this much passion, and to feel so very content. There was no rush in this moment, there was no plan, it was just about being with Bianca and that was all it took to make Reese happy.
A breath of air, lightly blown from her lips and onto Bianca's pussy, and the brunette's hips rose slightly then a sardonic sort of chuckle filled the air. Reese felt delicate fingers that had proven to be deceptively strong thread into her hair, encouraging a more in depth exploration and she didn't see how she could refuse. Particularly when it was precisely what she wanted. Dipping her head down, Reese flattened her tongue to have first taste of the other woman and though she would never admit it, she had wondered what Bianca would taste like. Would she be the same or different from the others? Reese hoped the latter because that was Bianca's place in her life, being so startlingly outside the norm that she swept Reese off her feet just with her very presence and this time was no exception. The brunette had a salty texture but it was also strangely sweet all the same, reminding the architect of her personality, and Reese found it fitting that she couldn't get enough.
With a smile curving onto her lips, delighting in the trembles and the sighs, Reese sucked on Bianca's clit, lightly flicking her tongue and her smile becoming that much larger as she felt the fingers threaded in her hair contract involuntarily. Moving her tongue in circles over Bianca's clit, her pace increasing as she felt the other woman's hips move up off the bed and her thighs clamping down, Reese slipped her hands under Bianca's rear and lifted her upwards, bringing her closer yet as she continued her exploration. She didn't know where the strength came from but Reese was grateful for it because when Bianca had an orgasm she felt it with every inch of her, in her mouth, in her hands, in her mind, and it arrived with such power and beauty that Reese wanted to cry at it but she felt as if she hadn't anymore tears.
Bianca slowly relaxed and Reese felt a subtle tug at her hand, urging her forward and she slid over the brunette, enjoying the feel of skin on skin and sighing happily when the brunette captured her lips for a kiss. It was long and it was gentle and it was caring, so incredibly caring that it left Reese knowing exactly how much Bianca felt for her in this moment and suddenly Reese was kissing the other woman harder, needing more, desperately wanting further proof of the brunette's feelings for her because it was what she required most. As they separated, Bianca looked at her with dark eyes that to Reese seemed to almost glitter and she laid her hand flat against the blonde's cheek, stroking her skin in a soft caress then she slid closer, her lips a breath from Reese's as she murmured, "Tell me what you want?"
The words, they were missing again, and Reese didn't know what to say, how to explain everything she wanted from Bianca because it all seemed like so very much, but she thought somehow Bianca understood. A smile spread across her pale features that were filled with such compassion and she whispered quietly that it would be okay, that she would make her feel good, then Bianca kissed her so sweetly, with a sort of tenderness that took Reese's breath away, and she felt that part of her brain that always planned, that always focused on logic, shut down completely and she surrendered to Bianca's touch, shaking from desire and arching into clever hands as they moved across her body.
There wasn't a part of her Bianca didn't touch, that she didn't kiss, that she didn't caress and Reese almost felt like she was being driven mad by it, from the attention that the brunette was giving her because it all seemed like too much, more than she deserved, and certainly more than she had ever been given. All the same, Reese didn't want it to stop, she never wanted it to stop, but there was something very specific she wanted Bianca to do. Most of her sexual encounters had been with men and they were painful at their worst and tolerable at their best and while her experiences, few as they were, with women were better Reese always felt something was missing.
Sometimes sex could be very good, especially when a woman went down on her, but no matter what, no matter who, Reese never experienced any sort of connection when she was penetrated. It just didn't do anything for her and it left her feeling empty and alone because she knew she should feel something, anything, but there was nothing. She wanted Bianca to be inside her and she somehow managed to say the words. The brunette looked at her with those dark eyes and they held such desire, such want for her, that Reese felt herself defenses crumble and she trembled as Bianca kissed her, murmuring her acquiesce against Reese's lips, continuing her kisses as her hand slipped down, until skilled fingers were lightly teasing at the outside of her pussy. A breath, a whisper, nothing more than a hush and Bianca asked if this was all right and Reese could only nod and kiss her, urgent in her need, and then she gasped as she felt Bianca's fingers slip inside.
People made noise during sex or at least everyone Reese had been with made noise. Even Bianca did, not a lot but some. Reese was always quiet, her orgasms were soundless, a silent scream and a muffled bite of the sheets and the pillow. Tonight was no different as Bianca slowly thrust into her, establishing a rhythm while her thumb lightly played over Reese's clit. The blonde squeezed her eyes shut and she released a muted cry of pleasure, unable to believe she had been right and deliriously happy that she was at the same time. Why was it different? Why didn't it feel awkward and invasive having Bianca inside of her? Reese didn't know and she wasn't sure she would ever have the answer but god, she was so appreciative of this fact, and spellbound by the connection she had with Bianca, especially when she opened her eyes and locked her gaze with the other woman's and she saw everything that Bianca was feeling.
Love wasn't something that Reese knew a lot about. It had evaded her for most of her life but she recognized that was what she felt in this moment, with Bianca moving inside of her deeper, harder, faster, her thumb a teasing caress on her clit and her lips full and lush on hers in a kiss that absorbed Reese's cries, taking them as her own. When Reese came, it was fast, like a strike of lightning then it was over and it was as if she was a great work of art that had been damaged and Bianca was the one who restored her because she finally felt like someone had seen her for who she really was, the person hidden under all those layers. She was happy to realize this, so ridiculously happy but for some reason she was crying too. Crying silent and gasping tears and she couldn’t stop. Reese had everything she wanted with Bianca, everything she needed, and it was all so perfect. How could her parents reject her for that?
"Reese," Bianca murmured and she felt herself gathered up in the brunette's arms, being held close as Bianca pulled a sheet over them and they sank back onto the bed. "It's all right," she soothed, her hands combing through the blonde's hair, and Reese felt the soft press of Bianca's lips against the top of her head in a kiss. "I'll take care of you. Just rest, okay?"
Implicitly trusting the other woman and exhausted emotionally and physically, Reese closed her eyes, comforted by the gentle stroke of Bianca's fingers through her hair and the rise and fall of her chest as she lay in the brunette's embrace. Reese buried her face in the crook of Bianca's neck, breathing in her scent that was light and delicately feminine, and she drifted off to sleep, utterly content and at peace for perhaps the first time in her life and she knew it was because of the woman holding her close. The one who finally made her feel loved.
To be continued...
Tags:
Wow.
Re: Wow.
Double wow!!
Re: Double wow!!
In my mind, part of the reason Reese falls hard for Bianca is that she's the first person who really understands and accepts her. I figured that would play heavily into the fact that Bianca knows when to press Reese for details and when not to. Which also explains why/how Reese could have kept her engagement to Simon and her parents rejection a secret all those months.
Wow.
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I'm going to have Reese explain things the best she can to the inquisitive Bianca. She'll want to press for details but sometimes even Binks knows when not to pursue the issue. Plus Reese can be distracting. I'd like to have Reese just tell her everything but following wacky canon and all that.
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Even more credit is due for the "telling the parents" scene. I was very lucky when I came out to my parents, but I know through friends and other unpleasant stories that not all families take the coming out of a child/family member/loved one well. From what we've seen of Reese, those awkward scenes with her father, and the stories of her family, I believe this was very painfully accurate. There is also that degree of pain knowing what this is putting Reese through in not being able to share the experience with Bianca, and what it will do in the future when it all comes to light.
All in all, a great installment to an awesome series. I anxiously await the next part :)
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so all in all, you continue to rock in your association with my fandoms, and I salute you.
the end.
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Personally, I think
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Hey, don't diss the anime, it's just as entertaining for lesbian drama and cliched romances (though one or two good ones do come along every once in a while). It's awesome to find another Asuka/Rei fan. I've watched at least an episode of about half of those series you have fanfic for, so yay for fandoms in common :)
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I can totally picture Reese's mom as you described her. Really nicely done.
Reese showing up all distraught at Bianca's door leading to their first time works too. I figured since we've seen that Binks can tell how Reese feels right away, there had to be some reason Reese got away with not talking about why she was upset (as she would have to be) when she got back from NY. Had to be something big that would enable her to push her relationship with her parents into the background.
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To be honest, I had always pictured their first time coming about this way to further cement an emotional bond on Reese's part. There wasn't any other option in my mind for a first time sex scene so I guess I'm glad other people find it believable. lol.
Hootie!
The coming out was effective and really invited us into Reese's relationship with her parents - how hopeful and heartbroken she was by their rejection. And it worked well to have her immediately return to Bianca. It was nice to see Reese- an emotional runner, actually run toward someone than away. Plus, Bianca's just a perfect character to turn to when you need a good dose of sweetness.
I'm really interested in how you'll handle the next chapter. How will they handle Miranda seeing Reese in the morning? Or did Bianca send her home later that night? Plus, you know... all that other stuff goin' on...
Re: Hootie!
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Their relationship wasn't the best one but it was in moments like this, when Camille was being so very human, that Reese couldn't help the wave of affection she felt for her.
I think this sentence sums up the relationships between a lot of kids and their parents, especially when they fill they can do nothing to appease them. I know I've felt that towards my own mom, and you capture that well.
My heart dropped in my chest, it broke, for Reese when her coming out played out that way. Gosh. Then, this:
"I'm not in New York," said Reese wryly, finding an almost twisted humor in how short her trip was. "I'm standing outside your house."
Even more. My heart! Then, the sex that follows because of everything being built up for Reese and Bianca going along with it, because well, it's Bianca, and that's pretty much how she rolls.
Just beautiful, this whole chapter, simply beautiful!
(And, yay, for finally being all caught up! Except, in my tiredness, I retyped bits wrong again between documents, stupid sleep-deprivedness.)
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I'm happy you liked this chapter. I've had it planned out for awhile so it was satisfying to write it and it's nice to know people like the things I've anal retentively plotted out for a month or so. lol. Makes it seem less nerdy.
...
but in a very, very good way :]
Nothing beats a case of the midterm blues faster than well written fic. Especially sexy, well written fic.
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And loved that she went straight back to Bianca for comfort. Her new family...truly.
Really wonderful stuff. Thanks for this. I really needed it.
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I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter.
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Thanks for writing this and sharing it.
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