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TITLE: A Thousand Glimpses
SERIES: All My Children
AUTHOR:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
dreiser
EMAIL: dreiser7@yahoo.com
YAHOO ID: dreiser7
MY WEBSITE: http://www.dreiser.org/
CONTENT: F/F romance. F/F sex. Bianca/Reese. Breeze.
SUMMARY: Reese Williams had experienced a thousand glimpses of the life she always wanted but until she met Bianca Montgomery she never thought she could have it for herself.
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing but my relief at warmer weather for longer dog walks.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: The continuation of the angst and another suitable mp3.
Last of Days by A Fine Frenzy
A Thousand Glimpses
By: Dreiser
Twenty One
According to her father, ever since she was born, Reese was an extraordinarily healthy person and it was the truth. Reese never had any broken bones, any minor or major surgeries, she didn't even tend to get hangovers when she drank a little more than usual. In her entire life, she had only experienced the effects of nausea once and that was more than enough. Reese never wanted to feel that way again, to have that sensation of her stomach curdling, and the bitter taste rising in her mouth. She didn't want to but here she was, with that same feeling, unable to control her natural reaction to hearing Bianca's words, to finally knowing the truth behind that haunted look in her eyes.
It made her sick and she had to swallow hard, forcing that response back down, but even as Reese got control of the effect hearing about Bianca's rape had on her body she couldn't do the same with her emotions. The despair and the rage and the overwhelming desire to fix this, to undo this horrible wrong done to Bianca, was so strong in Reese and she didn't know how to express everything she wanted to say and so she didn't say anything at all.
Her hands still trembling, Reese watched as Bianca closed her eyes tight, her body losing a good amount of the tension it was holding and Bianca dropped her head, hiding her face in the familiar spot between Reese's shoulder and her neck she often favored. Her breath came in shallow bursts and her voice was thick and unhappy as she said, "I want to be past it. I really think I should be."
Unable to respond, Reese looked incredulously at Bianca, an automatic disbelief seizing her on hearing these words. How could Bianca feel that way? To Reese, it was almost like hearing Bianca blamed herself for the rape. There was something so utterly wrong about it that she couldn't understand even a little of what it meant. Moving slowly back and dipping her head to meet their eyes, Reese held Bianca's face in her hands, caressing her skin as she asked softly, "Why do you say that?"
Dragging her eyes away from Reese only to flinch and shudder as another crash of thunder shook the house, Bianca's gaze had that far off look again and Reese knew before she spoke an answer to her question wouldn't be coming. "He was waiting for me at the boarding house," Bianca said distantly. "I was staying with Myrtle back then because felt I was too old to live with Mom… I wanted space but I didn't want her to worry and Myrtle has always been so good to me. It just seemed right to move in with her but she forgot to lock the door sometimes. I'm sure that's how he got in."
"Bianca," Reese said her name brokenly because that's how she felt, completely broken. She could feel herself falling apart on hearing the awful details of the rape, not wanting to hear, not wanting to know, but wanting to be there for Bianca all the same and the brunette wanted to tell her this and Reese wasn't about to stop her. She couldn't be the one to put that distance between them, no matter how much knowing this would hurt.
"I was scared from the beginning, finding him there, but I didn't think he would," Bianca trailed off, wandering away from Reese, her arms wrapping around her body as if to ward off an invisible chill. "We danced," she gave a bitter laugh, a short burst, looking back at Reese with those dark eyes that remained haunted and shone with tears. "He said he wanted me to work my magic on him, make him a better person, to heal him with my love. I was stupid, I made him angry when I said I couldn't, that it was impossible, and he started to… but I ran away, I ran, only I couldn't run fast enough and he caught me." Bianca was staring out the large bay windows, her expression lifeless and vacant, watching as lightning struck in the distance. Drawn forward, her eyes fixed on Bianca's face that remained painfully detached and disconnected, Reese moved to stand at her side, carefully reaching out to her as she heard Bianca whisper, "He always catches me."
The anger remained, bubbling underneath the surface, and Reese did her best to contain it. Removing it from her voice and expression as she took Bianca's hand in her own, making herself form a reassuring smile when Bianca looked at her, her pale features utterly lost and filled with so much pain. "Not anymore," Reese said in a fervent promise. "You're safe here with me."
"Safe," echoed Bianca and a wan smile formed on her features. Her eyes were drawn away from Reese once again and she said, sounding resentful in her reflection, "Except in my memories."
Horrible, all of it was so horrible, and Reese didn't want to ask Bianca this. She didn't want to press for more answers, making the other woman talk about things she wasn't ready for. Acting like some sort of vulture, preying on the brunette's misery, but that rage, that anger, it wouldn't go away just like the fear about Michael and where he was now and could he come after them. Was that reason for Nathan's constant protection? For her family's worry about their safety? And so the question slipped from her lips, where was he? Rotting away in prison? Locked away until the end of time? Bianca turned to her, dark eyes filled with guilt and anguish, shadows forming underneath.
"He's dead," Bianca's voice was barely audible. "I killed him."
There was a roaring in her ears and Reese felt strangely separate from her body and she knew she said what, that she was staring at Bianca with disbelief because the idea that this kind and gentle woman could do such a thing was unfathomable. A person that Reese had felt from the moment that she met her she was one of the nicest human beings on the planet, someone who would never harm another living soul. How could a woman like that kill another person? Though she understood the instinct, the need, and she was glad to know he was dead, that the monster who had violated Bianca with such a brutal act was gone forever but the reality that Bianca was responsible was so very foreign to Reese that she couldn't grasp it.
"I went to see him," said Bianca in a hush, pulling her hand from Reese's and walking towards the window, watching as the rain began to slow and the storm ebbed away in the night. "I don't know why but I went to see him. I had a gun, to keep myself safe and he started to come after me, just like before, and I couldn't let him hurt me again, hurt my baby, so I killed him."
Suddenly it all made sense, that troubled look that would form when Reese brought up Miranda's parentage, the reluctance to speak about it and the unusual nature of a single lesbian in her early twenties having a toddler. She felt sick again, sick and confused, because it didn't make sense, such a sweet child coming from such a violent act. Miranda had nothing to do with her origins, with that monster who raped Bianca, she knew that but the idea it was where she came from was just wrong.
"Miranda," Reese whispered the child's name and Bianca whipped her head around, her eyes narrowed, her gaze flashing.
"She's an innocent. Miranda is proof that something good can come from something evil," said Bianca fiercely and Reese's eyes went wide, horrified as she realized that Bianca thought she felt differently. "Just like my sister."
"Sweetheart," Reese rushed forward, holding Bianca's face in her hands, stroking her pale features and drawing the brunette's dark gaze to look into her own, to see the sincerity there, the truth behind her words. "I know that. I just…" Her words fading, she did her best to search for the right way to explain what she was feeling, so there wouldn’t be any misunderstanding, and finally she drew her eyes back to Bianca and said, "I hate that Miranda could be effected by what he did to you, that anyone would treat her badly because of it, that she would be hurt by it. She's such a wonderful child."
"I won't let it touch her," Bianca said this like it was a vow and Reese could see the sincerity in her features along with the unwavering strength. Reese knew that the brunette would never let Miranda suffer because of what Michael Cambias did. "I promised myself and I promised Kendall that Miranda wouldn't ever be hurt the way she was or grow up feeling the way that she did. Forever out of place, rejected, and alone. That she wouldn't doubt herself because she would be surrounded by love from the start, and she would know where she belonged, always secure in the knowledge that she's wanted."
"I'm sure Miranda feels that way," said Reese quietly, her voice reassuring.
"She has nothing to do with him," said Bianca, her voice low and almost dangerous. "Nothing."
"I know," Reese repeated, moving in closer, resting her forehead against Bianca's, looking into her eyes.
Shuddering and falling into Reese, the brunette seemed to collapse in her arms, and Bianca clung to her, fingers digging into Reese's back and her breath heating her skin, warming it. "Having her saved me," Bianca confessed quietly and as she stayed tucked away in Reese's arms, the blonde looked down at her, kissing the crown of dark hair, nuzzling it in an affectionate gesture, giving her support both emotionally and physically, going on instinct how to best comfort the other woman. "I don't think I could have ever seen past my own pain if it wasn't for her and Kendall. I still remember being so lost, each day went by in a daze. When I found out that I was pregnant and I was so scared. I didn't know how to deal with it, I tried to ignore it, just like I tried to ignore the rape, pretending that it never happened and my mother… she wanted me to have an abortion. She thought it was what was best for me, that it would help me move on from the rape if I did that, and I know she felt that way because when it happened to her she didn't have a choice. Abortions weren't legal and they were hardly safe and I know my rape brought her back to that time, just like my pregnancy brought Kendall face to face with how she was conceived."
Lifting her head, Bianca looked at Reese with large and lamenting eyes, begging her to understand, "Kendall saw me at the clinic and she could have tried to make me feel guilty or bad about what I was thinking of doing. Instead she was understanding and kind and she made me see what I would be losing if I went through with the abortion. It would be like getting rid of Kendall and I couldn't live with that. Soon as I made the decision to have Miranda, to raise her as my daughter and to give her everything Kendall never had, somehow everything became easier and living suddenly wasn't as hard. I actually felt happy again."
It was strange, feeling this grateful to a person she never met, but Reese did feel that way. She was so very grateful to Kendall for helping Bianca through what had to be the darkest time in her life and she smiled softly, cupping the brunette's cheek and she wanted to kiss Bianca, she wanted it so very badly, but she wondered if it was appropriate. In this moment, all the natural ease that accompanied her relationship with Bianca disappeared as she fixated on their time together. Wondering if she had ever been too rough, too forceful, had brought the other woman back to her memories of the rape and she hesitated.
Whether or not that hesitation was noticed by Bianca wasn't known to Reese, she didn't think it was because the brunette was looking at her with those dark eyes that no longer had that haunted look in them. Instead they were filled with affection and she felt nimble fingers tangle in her hair as Bianca met their lips for a kiss that was less loving than it was grateful. As they parted, Bianca's face remained close to Reese, her breath warm on her skin as she murmured, "Thank you for listening."
"I wanted to," replied Reese quiet but powerful. "I needed to. Bianca," Reese said her name in a whisper, cupping her face in her hands, stroking her skin tenderly. "Please know that you can tell me anything."
Another wan smile but this one lighter, happier, than before and Bianca said in wry tones, "Then I think I'll tell you that I might finally be able to go to sleep now that the storm has passed."
Noticing that indeed, the thunder and the lightning had dissipated and the rain had died down to a drizzle, Reese moved to hold Bianca's hand and they made their way back to the bedroom. Getting into bed, one after the other, and Reese lay still, not sure what to do, how much to touch, what was allowed and what would be uncomfortable for the brunette, hating this paranoid and awkward feeling she suddenly had around Bianca, knowing it was ridiculous and entirely her fault. Then Bianca scooted over, resting an arm on her stomach and tucking her face into the crook of Reese's neck, releasing a contented sigh.
Sleep was elusive for Reese though, nipping at the edges of her mind, and all she could do was run each and every time she touched Bianca, kissed her, had sex with her, over and over. Not in that pleasant way she had so many times before, reliving the moments fondly, but picking them apart, analyzing Bianca's reactions, trying to discern if she had ever made the brunette uncomfortable with her touch, the idea that she had tormenting her, creating a feeling of wariness in her, an uncertainty that hadn't existed before.
The anger was still there, building under her carefully placed mask of loving support, and Reese could feel it consuming her as she looked at Bianca's sleeping features, calm and at peace. Pushing a lock of dark hair from Bianca's eyes, rubbing it in between her fingers, enjoying the silken texture, Reese brooded over what happened to the other woman. That man, Michael Cambias, had raped her, had run after her, trapped her, and forced himself on her. Again, she felt the nausea rise up with the rage and she tried to settle it down, tried to push it away, but she couldn't, not even when she looked at Bianca who was sleeping safe in her arms.
Violence wasn't something Reese had ever dealt with. She led a somewhat sheltered life due to her parents money and her mother's status in New York society. Rape and murder, these were things she heard about on nightly news or read in the paper. Until now, it wasn't something she had knowledge of on a personal level and the idea that someone as sweet, as gentle, as Bianca was the one who experienced them firsthand made her sick to her stomach. Her mother taught her to hold her emotions in because anytime she expressed them as a child they were dismissed and this didn't change as she aged. She had done it for so long, hiding things away, that it became second nature and she tried to do the same with this. Hold in her rage, hold in the sick feeling that this had been done to Bianca, because she knew they couldn't help the other woman but for the first time Reese doubted her ability to do this. Along with the anger, the sickness, came an intense need to protect.
From the start there was a delicacy she sensed in Bianca, that as strong and as capable as she was, the kindness she displayed, her gentle nature, caused Reese to see something fragile in her and more than once she feared the idea of people taking advantage of Bianca. Hearing about the rape just increased this belief, this instinct, and Reese knew she would do anything to keep it from hurting Bianca again. She couldn't wipe the memories away anymore than she could the rape itself and if she could do that, she would be taking away Miranda, who was the one good thing to come from it. But Reese could watch over her though, she could be more careful, she could be more observant, make absolutely certain she wasn't causing those memories resurface, that she wasn't the reason for added pain in Bianca's life.
Bit by bit, Reese went through her time with Bianca, doing this occupied most of her night and by the time the door creaked open and Miranda poked her head inside, holding a box of Cocoa Puffs in hand, Reese had formulated a plan, a new method of being in her time with Bianca, making sure she watched herself, her actions, as closely as possible as to not hurt the brunette. Climbing out of bed, careful not to wake Bianca, she went about the Saturday ritual of serving breakfast for Miranda and joining the little girl in front of the television to watch cartoons as they ate. A half an hour after they began this tradition, Bianca wandered into the living room, a sleepy expression clinging to her features along with a worried light in her eyes and instinctively Reese knew that she was wondering about her reaction to the rape in the light of the morning.
Encouraging Miranda to pick out her clothes for the day and to think up fun things for them to do, they were soon alone and Reese focused on Bianca, studying her features, hesitating in her response as she tried to judge what to say. She wanted to kiss her so very badly, to touch, to hug, to reassure physically but she had gone over so many moments like these in the dark of the night and each time she did she swore there were instances where this instinct of hers wasn't welcome on Bianca's part and that was more than Reese could bear. Reese didn't want to do that to Bianca, she didn't want to be the source of more pain, and this is what caused her to pause in her response and when she saw the hurt reflected in Bianca's dark eyes it didn't dawn on her it was the slowed reaction, the thought behind her innocuous holding of their hands, that caused it instead of the fact they were touching at all. Reese started to pull her hand away but Bianca wouldn't allow it and so there it stayed as Bianca kept her gaze steady with the architect's not budging in the slightest as she studied the other woman.
"Are you all right, knowing this?" asked Bianca and there was a steel there along with an unspoken question, and Reese knew if she gave the smallest hint that her answer was no things would end between them.
Fear rising up in her and that restraint she had been working so hard to develop throughout the night disappearing in an instant, Reese held Bianca's face in her hands and kissed her. It wasn't a kiss of passion or comfort, it was an entreaty, desperate and full of love, wanting Bianca to know how all right she was. It still hurt, it still incited rage, it still made her sick, knowing that Bianca had been raped but it didn't make her want Bianca any less. It just increased her already protective instinct towards the brunette, it made her want to shield Bianca and Miranda all from the evils in the world.
Miranda came skipping back into the room, clothing in hand, with a request to visit the Zoo de Vincennes and they readily agreed. After the kiss, Reese thought at first maybe she had overreacted. That she didn't need to watch herself so closely with Bianca, go over their every interaction, but throughout their day, looking at the animals in the zoo, explaining to Miranda where they came from and all their habits, there was a slow withdrawal on Bianca's part. Noticing this caused Reese to return to her watchful routine, guarding herself, evaluating her actions before they occurred so she wouldn't hurt, wouldn't offend, and there was this air, horrible and stiff and awkward and utterly unlike anything that had been there before that wouldn't cease.
Her fault, it had to be her fault, Reese was used to this. She had been told this so many times over the years, had it hammered into her head by her mother that the problems in her relationships were brought about by herself and she couldn't help thinking it in this moment. If she had been going over their time together, how she touched Bianca, the moments she had been too rough, too forceful, selfish in her desires, then of course Bianca must have been doing the same and the way she was reacting told Reese that Bianca had found her lacking and the architect felt a wave of self-hatred wash over her.
More than anything she wanted to be with Bianca, she wanted to make her future with her and Miranda, for them to become a family but with this revelation, this knowledge of the brunette's rape, as much as she wanted that maybe her mother was right, she just wasn't good enough. Lacking, always lacking, that was what she said and Reese found herself believing it more and more as the day went on and that horrible stifling air continued and Bianca pulled away from her touch.
Finding out about Bianca's rape, it filled her with such anger, but it hurt as well. It hurt to know such a very good person, someone so genuine, who helped others could be violated in such a way. Reese couldn't imagine anything hurting more but feeling Bianca become distant from her, sensing this gulf forming between them, did this.
They went back to the house and the feeling wouldn't go away no matter how hard Reese tried to erase it, to ignore it, but it remained and she fell back on instinct. When things became too difficult, when her mother's insults, and her lack of understanding left her feeling overwhelmed, Reese would escape the situation. She would run from it, go to someplace safe, where she could try and forget those feelings, imagine the type of acceptance that before this point she had always felt with Bianca and as they day went on and that painful hesitation, that glaring distance, continued on and she couldn't take it.
Running away would be easy but Reese refused to do that. During the night, she promised herself she would be there for Bianca, that she would protect her, keep her safe from the memories, from the hurt, how could she do that if she ran away? Reese had to stay and she knew that but she also had to do what was best for Bianca, what would make her feel better, what would ease her suffering, return her to the happy and carefree soul she had been before last night. It wasn't happening though. Jokes were made, stories were told, games were played but that intolerable formality, this reticence in their interactions, wouldn't leave and as Reese observed Bianca alone with Miranda as she came back from the bathroom, she finally witnessed a real smile on her features. Bright and brilliant and Reese knew how Bianca was acting, it was her fault, her presence was causing it and while realizing this crushed her spirits she knew what she had to do.
Excuses were made, a deadline at work, things that had to be completed and she was back at her house. Alone for dinner for the first time in months but Reese wasn't hungry and looking around her house, it struck her how empty it was, how there was a thick layer of dust on her furniture from lack of use and Reese knew she didn't belong here. Her place was with Bianca and she wanted so very badly to return to her but the memories of that uncomfortable air, how Bianca moved from her, both physically and emotionally, and she knew it was her fault. That she hadn't been considerate enough, that she brought back memories of the rape with her own selfishness, and this thought haunted Reese and she couldn't return. She didn't know if she was welcome and that thought was almost as painful as believing she had ever hurt Bianca with her actions.
Big and empty and cold, that was how her bed felt, and Reese tried to sleep. She tried for what seemed like hours on end but she couldn't. Her mind just kept replaying events. The day she spent with Bianca, the horrible distance, the times they had been together and how she treated her, what unhappiness she might have created. These things went over and over in her mind and Reese couldn't rid herself of them no matter how hard she tried and god, all she wanted was for things to return to how they used to be. For that ease and that effortlessness to reappear but it seemed to Reese as if it was gone permanently, that they could never get it back, and this filled her with a misery almost as great as the rage and protectiveness on hearing about Bianca's rape.
None of this would do. This had to be corrected. Things had to go back to how they were before. She just had to try harder, she just had to be more careful, pay closer attention. Make sure she never caused Bianca to return to that terrible night. Reese would have to prove herself and she was used to this, living with her mother, and she would do it again, she would do it for Bianca if it was needed for her to fix things because Reese couldn't go on without her. That simply wasn't an option.
To be continued...
SERIES: All My Children
AUTHOR:
dreiserEMAIL: dreiser7@yahoo.com
YAHOO ID: dreiser7
MY WEBSITE: http://www.dreiser.org/
CONTENT: F/F romance. F/F sex. Bianca/Reese. Breeze.
SUMMARY: Reese Williams had experienced a thousand glimpses of the life she always wanted but until she met Bianca Montgomery she never thought she could have it for herself.
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing but my relief at warmer weather for longer dog walks.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: The continuation of the angst and another suitable mp3.
Last of Days by A Fine Frenzy
A Thousand Glimpses
By: Dreiser
Twenty One
According to her father, ever since she was born, Reese was an extraordinarily healthy person and it was the truth. Reese never had any broken bones, any minor or major surgeries, she didn't even tend to get hangovers when she drank a little more than usual. In her entire life, she had only experienced the effects of nausea once and that was more than enough. Reese never wanted to feel that way again, to have that sensation of her stomach curdling, and the bitter taste rising in her mouth. She didn't want to but here she was, with that same feeling, unable to control her natural reaction to hearing Bianca's words, to finally knowing the truth behind that haunted look in her eyes.
It made her sick and she had to swallow hard, forcing that response back down, but even as Reese got control of the effect hearing about Bianca's rape had on her body she couldn't do the same with her emotions. The despair and the rage and the overwhelming desire to fix this, to undo this horrible wrong done to Bianca, was so strong in Reese and she didn't know how to express everything she wanted to say and so she didn't say anything at all.
Her hands still trembling, Reese watched as Bianca closed her eyes tight, her body losing a good amount of the tension it was holding and Bianca dropped her head, hiding her face in the familiar spot between Reese's shoulder and her neck she often favored. Her breath came in shallow bursts and her voice was thick and unhappy as she said, "I want to be past it. I really think I should be."
Unable to respond, Reese looked incredulously at Bianca, an automatic disbelief seizing her on hearing these words. How could Bianca feel that way? To Reese, it was almost like hearing Bianca blamed herself for the rape. There was something so utterly wrong about it that she couldn't understand even a little of what it meant. Moving slowly back and dipping her head to meet their eyes, Reese held Bianca's face in her hands, caressing her skin as she asked softly, "Why do you say that?"
Dragging her eyes away from Reese only to flinch and shudder as another crash of thunder shook the house, Bianca's gaze had that far off look again and Reese knew before she spoke an answer to her question wouldn't be coming. "He was waiting for me at the boarding house," Bianca said distantly. "I was staying with Myrtle back then because felt I was too old to live with Mom… I wanted space but I didn't want her to worry and Myrtle has always been so good to me. It just seemed right to move in with her but she forgot to lock the door sometimes. I'm sure that's how he got in."
"Bianca," Reese said her name brokenly because that's how she felt, completely broken. She could feel herself falling apart on hearing the awful details of the rape, not wanting to hear, not wanting to know, but wanting to be there for Bianca all the same and the brunette wanted to tell her this and Reese wasn't about to stop her. She couldn't be the one to put that distance between them, no matter how much knowing this would hurt.
"I was scared from the beginning, finding him there, but I didn't think he would," Bianca trailed off, wandering away from Reese, her arms wrapping around her body as if to ward off an invisible chill. "We danced," she gave a bitter laugh, a short burst, looking back at Reese with those dark eyes that remained haunted and shone with tears. "He said he wanted me to work my magic on him, make him a better person, to heal him with my love. I was stupid, I made him angry when I said I couldn't, that it was impossible, and he started to… but I ran away, I ran, only I couldn't run fast enough and he caught me." Bianca was staring out the large bay windows, her expression lifeless and vacant, watching as lightning struck in the distance. Drawn forward, her eyes fixed on Bianca's face that remained painfully detached and disconnected, Reese moved to stand at her side, carefully reaching out to her as she heard Bianca whisper, "He always catches me."
The anger remained, bubbling underneath the surface, and Reese did her best to contain it. Removing it from her voice and expression as she took Bianca's hand in her own, making herself form a reassuring smile when Bianca looked at her, her pale features utterly lost and filled with so much pain. "Not anymore," Reese said in a fervent promise. "You're safe here with me."
"Safe," echoed Bianca and a wan smile formed on her features. Her eyes were drawn away from Reese once again and she said, sounding resentful in her reflection, "Except in my memories."
Horrible, all of it was so horrible, and Reese didn't want to ask Bianca this. She didn't want to press for more answers, making the other woman talk about things she wasn't ready for. Acting like some sort of vulture, preying on the brunette's misery, but that rage, that anger, it wouldn't go away just like the fear about Michael and where he was now and could he come after them. Was that reason for Nathan's constant protection? For her family's worry about their safety? And so the question slipped from her lips, where was he? Rotting away in prison? Locked away until the end of time? Bianca turned to her, dark eyes filled with guilt and anguish, shadows forming underneath.
"He's dead," Bianca's voice was barely audible. "I killed him."
There was a roaring in her ears and Reese felt strangely separate from her body and she knew she said what, that she was staring at Bianca with disbelief because the idea that this kind and gentle woman could do such a thing was unfathomable. A person that Reese had felt from the moment that she met her she was one of the nicest human beings on the planet, someone who would never harm another living soul. How could a woman like that kill another person? Though she understood the instinct, the need, and she was glad to know he was dead, that the monster who had violated Bianca with such a brutal act was gone forever but the reality that Bianca was responsible was so very foreign to Reese that she couldn't grasp it.
"I went to see him," said Bianca in a hush, pulling her hand from Reese's and walking towards the window, watching as the rain began to slow and the storm ebbed away in the night. "I don't know why but I went to see him. I had a gun, to keep myself safe and he started to come after me, just like before, and I couldn't let him hurt me again, hurt my baby, so I killed him."
Suddenly it all made sense, that troubled look that would form when Reese brought up Miranda's parentage, the reluctance to speak about it and the unusual nature of a single lesbian in her early twenties having a toddler. She felt sick again, sick and confused, because it didn't make sense, such a sweet child coming from such a violent act. Miranda had nothing to do with her origins, with that monster who raped Bianca, she knew that but the idea it was where she came from was just wrong.
"Miranda," Reese whispered the child's name and Bianca whipped her head around, her eyes narrowed, her gaze flashing.
"She's an innocent. Miranda is proof that something good can come from something evil," said Bianca fiercely and Reese's eyes went wide, horrified as she realized that Bianca thought she felt differently. "Just like my sister."
"Sweetheart," Reese rushed forward, holding Bianca's face in her hands, stroking her pale features and drawing the brunette's dark gaze to look into her own, to see the sincerity there, the truth behind her words. "I know that. I just…" Her words fading, she did her best to search for the right way to explain what she was feeling, so there wouldn’t be any misunderstanding, and finally she drew her eyes back to Bianca and said, "I hate that Miranda could be effected by what he did to you, that anyone would treat her badly because of it, that she would be hurt by it. She's such a wonderful child."
"I won't let it touch her," Bianca said this like it was a vow and Reese could see the sincerity in her features along with the unwavering strength. Reese knew that the brunette would never let Miranda suffer because of what Michael Cambias did. "I promised myself and I promised Kendall that Miranda wouldn't ever be hurt the way she was or grow up feeling the way that she did. Forever out of place, rejected, and alone. That she wouldn't doubt herself because she would be surrounded by love from the start, and she would know where she belonged, always secure in the knowledge that she's wanted."
"I'm sure Miranda feels that way," said Reese quietly, her voice reassuring.
"She has nothing to do with him," said Bianca, her voice low and almost dangerous. "Nothing."
"I know," Reese repeated, moving in closer, resting her forehead against Bianca's, looking into her eyes.
Shuddering and falling into Reese, the brunette seemed to collapse in her arms, and Bianca clung to her, fingers digging into Reese's back and her breath heating her skin, warming it. "Having her saved me," Bianca confessed quietly and as she stayed tucked away in Reese's arms, the blonde looked down at her, kissing the crown of dark hair, nuzzling it in an affectionate gesture, giving her support both emotionally and physically, going on instinct how to best comfort the other woman. "I don't think I could have ever seen past my own pain if it wasn't for her and Kendall. I still remember being so lost, each day went by in a daze. When I found out that I was pregnant and I was so scared. I didn't know how to deal with it, I tried to ignore it, just like I tried to ignore the rape, pretending that it never happened and my mother… she wanted me to have an abortion. She thought it was what was best for me, that it would help me move on from the rape if I did that, and I know she felt that way because when it happened to her she didn't have a choice. Abortions weren't legal and they were hardly safe and I know my rape brought her back to that time, just like my pregnancy brought Kendall face to face with how she was conceived."
Lifting her head, Bianca looked at Reese with large and lamenting eyes, begging her to understand, "Kendall saw me at the clinic and she could have tried to make me feel guilty or bad about what I was thinking of doing. Instead she was understanding and kind and she made me see what I would be losing if I went through with the abortion. It would be like getting rid of Kendall and I couldn't live with that. Soon as I made the decision to have Miranda, to raise her as my daughter and to give her everything Kendall never had, somehow everything became easier and living suddenly wasn't as hard. I actually felt happy again."
It was strange, feeling this grateful to a person she never met, but Reese did feel that way. She was so very grateful to Kendall for helping Bianca through what had to be the darkest time in her life and she smiled softly, cupping the brunette's cheek and she wanted to kiss Bianca, she wanted it so very badly, but she wondered if it was appropriate. In this moment, all the natural ease that accompanied her relationship with Bianca disappeared as she fixated on their time together. Wondering if she had ever been too rough, too forceful, had brought the other woman back to her memories of the rape and she hesitated.
Whether or not that hesitation was noticed by Bianca wasn't known to Reese, she didn't think it was because the brunette was looking at her with those dark eyes that no longer had that haunted look in them. Instead they were filled with affection and she felt nimble fingers tangle in her hair as Bianca met their lips for a kiss that was less loving than it was grateful. As they parted, Bianca's face remained close to Reese, her breath warm on her skin as she murmured, "Thank you for listening."
"I wanted to," replied Reese quiet but powerful. "I needed to. Bianca," Reese said her name in a whisper, cupping her face in her hands, stroking her skin tenderly. "Please know that you can tell me anything."
Another wan smile but this one lighter, happier, than before and Bianca said in wry tones, "Then I think I'll tell you that I might finally be able to go to sleep now that the storm has passed."
Noticing that indeed, the thunder and the lightning had dissipated and the rain had died down to a drizzle, Reese moved to hold Bianca's hand and they made their way back to the bedroom. Getting into bed, one after the other, and Reese lay still, not sure what to do, how much to touch, what was allowed and what would be uncomfortable for the brunette, hating this paranoid and awkward feeling she suddenly had around Bianca, knowing it was ridiculous and entirely her fault. Then Bianca scooted over, resting an arm on her stomach and tucking her face into the crook of Reese's neck, releasing a contented sigh.
Sleep was elusive for Reese though, nipping at the edges of her mind, and all she could do was run each and every time she touched Bianca, kissed her, had sex with her, over and over. Not in that pleasant way she had so many times before, reliving the moments fondly, but picking them apart, analyzing Bianca's reactions, trying to discern if she had ever made the brunette uncomfortable with her touch, the idea that she had tormenting her, creating a feeling of wariness in her, an uncertainty that hadn't existed before.
The anger was still there, building under her carefully placed mask of loving support, and Reese could feel it consuming her as she looked at Bianca's sleeping features, calm and at peace. Pushing a lock of dark hair from Bianca's eyes, rubbing it in between her fingers, enjoying the silken texture, Reese brooded over what happened to the other woman. That man, Michael Cambias, had raped her, had run after her, trapped her, and forced himself on her. Again, she felt the nausea rise up with the rage and she tried to settle it down, tried to push it away, but she couldn't, not even when she looked at Bianca who was sleeping safe in her arms.
Violence wasn't something Reese had ever dealt with. She led a somewhat sheltered life due to her parents money and her mother's status in New York society. Rape and murder, these were things she heard about on nightly news or read in the paper. Until now, it wasn't something she had knowledge of on a personal level and the idea that someone as sweet, as gentle, as Bianca was the one who experienced them firsthand made her sick to her stomach. Her mother taught her to hold her emotions in because anytime she expressed them as a child they were dismissed and this didn't change as she aged. She had done it for so long, hiding things away, that it became second nature and she tried to do the same with this. Hold in her rage, hold in the sick feeling that this had been done to Bianca, because she knew they couldn't help the other woman but for the first time Reese doubted her ability to do this. Along with the anger, the sickness, came an intense need to protect.
From the start there was a delicacy she sensed in Bianca, that as strong and as capable as she was, the kindness she displayed, her gentle nature, caused Reese to see something fragile in her and more than once she feared the idea of people taking advantage of Bianca. Hearing about the rape just increased this belief, this instinct, and Reese knew she would do anything to keep it from hurting Bianca again. She couldn't wipe the memories away anymore than she could the rape itself and if she could do that, she would be taking away Miranda, who was the one good thing to come from it. But Reese could watch over her though, she could be more careful, she could be more observant, make absolutely certain she wasn't causing those memories resurface, that she wasn't the reason for added pain in Bianca's life.
Bit by bit, Reese went through her time with Bianca, doing this occupied most of her night and by the time the door creaked open and Miranda poked her head inside, holding a box of Cocoa Puffs in hand, Reese had formulated a plan, a new method of being in her time with Bianca, making sure she watched herself, her actions, as closely as possible as to not hurt the brunette. Climbing out of bed, careful not to wake Bianca, she went about the Saturday ritual of serving breakfast for Miranda and joining the little girl in front of the television to watch cartoons as they ate. A half an hour after they began this tradition, Bianca wandered into the living room, a sleepy expression clinging to her features along with a worried light in her eyes and instinctively Reese knew that she was wondering about her reaction to the rape in the light of the morning.
Encouraging Miranda to pick out her clothes for the day and to think up fun things for them to do, they were soon alone and Reese focused on Bianca, studying her features, hesitating in her response as she tried to judge what to say. She wanted to kiss her so very badly, to touch, to hug, to reassure physically but she had gone over so many moments like these in the dark of the night and each time she did she swore there were instances where this instinct of hers wasn't welcome on Bianca's part and that was more than Reese could bear. Reese didn't want to do that to Bianca, she didn't want to be the source of more pain, and this is what caused her to pause in her response and when she saw the hurt reflected in Bianca's dark eyes it didn't dawn on her it was the slowed reaction, the thought behind her innocuous holding of their hands, that caused it instead of the fact they were touching at all. Reese started to pull her hand away but Bianca wouldn't allow it and so there it stayed as Bianca kept her gaze steady with the architect's not budging in the slightest as she studied the other woman.
"Are you all right, knowing this?" asked Bianca and there was a steel there along with an unspoken question, and Reese knew if she gave the smallest hint that her answer was no things would end between them.
Fear rising up in her and that restraint she had been working so hard to develop throughout the night disappearing in an instant, Reese held Bianca's face in her hands and kissed her. It wasn't a kiss of passion or comfort, it was an entreaty, desperate and full of love, wanting Bianca to know how all right she was. It still hurt, it still incited rage, it still made her sick, knowing that Bianca had been raped but it didn't make her want Bianca any less. It just increased her already protective instinct towards the brunette, it made her want to shield Bianca and Miranda all from the evils in the world.
Miranda came skipping back into the room, clothing in hand, with a request to visit the Zoo de Vincennes and they readily agreed. After the kiss, Reese thought at first maybe she had overreacted. That she didn't need to watch herself so closely with Bianca, go over their every interaction, but throughout their day, looking at the animals in the zoo, explaining to Miranda where they came from and all their habits, there was a slow withdrawal on Bianca's part. Noticing this caused Reese to return to her watchful routine, guarding herself, evaluating her actions before they occurred so she wouldn't hurt, wouldn't offend, and there was this air, horrible and stiff and awkward and utterly unlike anything that had been there before that wouldn't cease.
Her fault, it had to be her fault, Reese was used to this. She had been told this so many times over the years, had it hammered into her head by her mother that the problems in her relationships were brought about by herself and she couldn't help thinking it in this moment. If she had been going over their time together, how she touched Bianca, the moments she had been too rough, too forceful, selfish in her desires, then of course Bianca must have been doing the same and the way she was reacting told Reese that Bianca had found her lacking and the architect felt a wave of self-hatred wash over her.
More than anything she wanted to be with Bianca, she wanted to make her future with her and Miranda, for them to become a family but with this revelation, this knowledge of the brunette's rape, as much as she wanted that maybe her mother was right, she just wasn't good enough. Lacking, always lacking, that was what she said and Reese found herself believing it more and more as the day went on and that horrible stifling air continued and Bianca pulled away from her touch.
Finding out about Bianca's rape, it filled her with such anger, but it hurt as well. It hurt to know such a very good person, someone so genuine, who helped others could be violated in such a way. Reese couldn't imagine anything hurting more but feeling Bianca become distant from her, sensing this gulf forming between them, did this.
They went back to the house and the feeling wouldn't go away no matter how hard Reese tried to erase it, to ignore it, but it remained and she fell back on instinct. When things became too difficult, when her mother's insults, and her lack of understanding left her feeling overwhelmed, Reese would escape the situation. She would run from it, go to someplace safe, where she could try and forget those feelings, imagine the type of acceptance that before this point she had always felt with Bianca and as they day went on and that painful hesitation, that glaring distance, continued on and she couldn't take it.
Running away would be easy but Reese refused to do that. During the night, she promised herself she would be there for Bianca, that she would protect her, keep her safe from the memories, from the hurt, how could she do that if she ran away? Reese had to stay and she knew that but she also had to do what was best for Bianca, what would make her feel better, what would ease her suffering, return her to the happy and carefree soul she had been before last night. It wasn't happening though. Jokes were made, stories were told, games were played but that intolerable formality, this reticence in their interactions, wouldn't leave and as Reese observed Bianca alone with Miranda as she came back from the bathroom, she finally witnessed a real smile on her features. Bright and brilliant and Reese knew how Bianca was acting, it was her fault, her presence was causing it and while realizing this crushed her spirits she knew what she had to do.
Excuses were made, a deadline at work, things that had to be completed and she was back at her house. Alone for dinner for the first time in months but Reese wasn't hungry and looking around her house, it struck her how empty it was, how there was a thick layer of dust on her furniture from lack of use and Reese knew she didn't belong here. Her place was with Bianca and she wanted so very badly to return to her but the memories of that uncomfortable air, how Bianca moved from her, both physically and emotionally, and she knew it was her fault. That she hadn't been considerate enough, that she brought back memories of the rape with her own selfishness, and this thought haunted Reese and she couldn't return. She didn't know if she was welcome and that thought was almost as painful as believing she had ever hurt Bianca with her actions.
Big and empty and cold, that was how her bed felt, and Reese tried to sleep. She tried for what seemed like hours on end but she couldn't. Her mind just kept replaying events. The day she spent with Bianca, the horrible distance, the times they had been together and how she treated her, what unhappiness she might have created. These things went over and over in her mind and Reese couldn't rid herself of them no matter how hard she tried and god, all she wanted was for things to return to how they used to be. For that ease and that effortlessness to reappear but it seemed to Reese as if it was gone permanently, that they could never get it back, and this filled her with a misery almost as great as the rage and protectiveness on hearing about Bianca's rape.
None of this would do. This had to be corrected. Things had to go back to how they were before. She just had to try harder, she just had to be more careful, pay closer attention. Make sure she never caused Bianca to return to that terrible night. Reese would have to prove herself and she was used to this, living with her mother, and she would do it again, she would do it for Bianca if it was needed for her to fix things because Reese couldn't go on without her. That simply wasn't an option.
To be continued...
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I have friended you, by the way...hope that's alright
:)
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i love new friends :)
Heartache in a Good Way
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I can totally see the infernal cycle of Reese going back over every time they've been intimate, wondering whether she was inadvertently insensitive, watching her reactions so carefully that Bianca senses something is wrong, assumes it's because she told Reese about the rape and starts withdrawing. Which inevitably leads Reese to notice, think she screwed up and head out.
It's one of those misundertandings that soaps are so fond of, but it's not contrived, it's based on the reality of what's going on for the characters, so it actually has the emotional impact it's meant to have.
You totally rock.
Poor Reese, now I feel really bad for her, but you managed to make her relateable again. Thank you for that.
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I don't know that my head is clear enough tonight to explain why that is.
I guess Reese doesn't behave rationally as far as I can tell, which I guess means that her instincts and mine don't overlap much.
This update is providing some much needed insight about the universe within which Reese operates.
There are so many other totally WTF things that Reese does, I still have a ways to go to fully understand what's going on with her.
One of them for instance is this habit she has of stepping forward and volunteering to do something that she's totally not equipped to handle. How many times does she have to get run over to figure out that since Bianca's at home with this stuff, she should be the one to handle it?
Sure she'd like to show off to make Bianca proud, but it's just not working, so staying back until she figures out the rules of the game would be the smart (and more humble) thing to do.
The other thing I don't get is does she really think that Bianca's going to ditch her if she's less than perfect? We haven't seen any indication that Bianca would do that. At the end of the day, she understood the deception about her parents' rejection, she accepted what happened with Simon and why Reese did not tell her about it, she accepted that nothing was going on between Reese and Zach...It makes it hard for me to root for Reese when I get overwhelmed thinking about how much she'd have to change for the two of them to have a chance.
Maybe it would be as simple as Reese accepting the fact that she's not perfect and that she cannot fake it. Then she can just be herself and let Bianca decide whether that's good enough or not.
Of course there's a whole other category of issues related to her confusion about Zach which I just can't find a satisfying explanation for.
I'm hoping you insightful people can help me figure this out, because until then, I'll be wondering whether getting back together is the right thing for either of them or the girls.
Sorry Reese, but you can't fix this . . .
Arg!
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great work!
more!
:)
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From chapter one, I've loved how Reese tries to relate to the world around her so we can see how her perspective is changed by the events she's living. This chapter is no different, we really see her try to wrap her head around what's happened to Bianca.
Another wan smile but this one lighter, happier, than before and Bianca said in wry tones, "Then I think I'll tell you that I might finally be able to go to sleep now that the storm has passed."
I just adored this line, as well.
What am amazing love story
I just found out about this story and I can't find the words to describe how wonderfully written this is. It touches my heart at a thousand place.
I can't wait to read more.
great addition, great writing
Re: great addition, great writing
Re: great addition, great writing
on another note i've been reading your story from inception and really dig it. love the build up and writing style.
I am dying for an update...
For months now I am following this storyline and I can only hope that you are still writing the next chapter(s).
I can't remember ever reading something that is written with such beauty and details.
Love Clem (from The Netherlands)