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TITLE: Fragile Things
SERIES: My Otome
AUTHOR: Dreiser
EMAIL: dreiser7@yahoo.com
YAHOO ID: dreiser7
MY WEBSITE: http://www.dreiser.org/
CONTENT: F/F romance. F/F sex. Haruka/Shizuru.
WARNING: Major character deaths, angst, violence, and extreme situations.
SUMMARY: In a single moment of violence, those who matter most to Haruka Armitage and Shizuru Viola are lost. Together they try to restore the broken pieces of their lives and learn to exist without the person they love.
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing but my many long abandoned rics that I really do love and need to finish.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I know I abandoned this fic for a really long time and I'm sorry. I've always loved it and I promise I'm going to do my best to finish it just because I have the story entirely plotted out and I really do want to write it as I've come to love it and Shizuru/Haruka as a couple. Anyway! Here's an update!
Fragile Things
By: Dreiser
Six
Growing up with parents in the military gave Haruka a different childhood experience than most and she was aware it affected her personality in certain ways. She knew she had a habit of being abrasive and impatient, that she didn’t like to wait and hardly ever listened, that she often did what she felt was right without considering others. She had been raised to believe actions are more important than words and had little use for discussion. Yukino had always been the exception, and although it pained her to wait and discuss, she always did for Yukino and she always listened. There was no one else whose opinion she respected more and so Haruka always wanted to hear what Yukino had to say. Even when they disagreed.
Her parents regularly spoke of her failings. What she needed to improve and while it hurt to hear this as a child when she was older she saw the reasoning behind it. If you don’t know your own mistakes how can you correct them? That was why Haruka never backed away from criticism, whether it be from herself or others, and she was glaringly aware of her own limitations.
For instance, Haruka knew she was terrible at reading people and their moods, their emotions. She was fine when they were blatant and on display but when they were more subtle, hidden under the surface, masked by subterfuge she became confused and irritated. To her it was like playing games, doing things like that, and Haruka had no patience for games when it came to emotions. She thought it was a waste of time, something petty and cowardly, and she despised it.
It was why she didn’t like Shizuru when she first met her. The way she hid her feelings away, buried her true self beneath that image of charm and guile, but the more she got to know the brunette the more she found it was a defense mechanism of sorts. Shizuru’s way of protecting herself from people who had no interest in who she truly was as a person and were instead invested in the idea of her. Realizing this transferred Haruka’s disdain from Shizuru to those who made the brunette react this way. Even now, when she saw students at Garderobe treating Shizuru with blind awe and worship she felt a great swell of annoyance come up in her and had to restrain herself from scaring them off with a harsh word or severe glare.
As hapless as Haruka was at reading people she was still able to recognize the fact that Shizuru had been in a terrible mood for weeks now. Why she was in a terrible mood was beyond Haruka’s understanding. It didn’t have to do with Natsuki’s death, the loss they continued to feel for the women they loved was a constant topic between them. There was something else behind Shizuru’s mood swings, something she didn’t want to discuss, something other than Natsuki and Haruka had no idea what.
Every time she attempted to broach the subject Shizuru deftly moved them onto other topics with such skill it wasn’t until Haruka was alone that she realized what the other Otome had done. While Haruka found this avoidance immensely irritating she had never been much for talking in the first place. She believed it was better to be a person of action and as such she decided to act to remove Shizuru’s terrible mood on her own. After countless hours of contemplation Haruka landed onto the one thing she had always known the brunette to enjoy. Something she hoped would improve Shizuru’s increasingly disgruntled attitude.
Which is why Haruka burst into Shizuru’s office, her arms overflowing with numerous containers of tea. Shizuru was sitting at her desk, preparing for a staff meeting with the other Columns, and she had just seconds to take in the sight of Haruka before the tea was unceremoniously dumped onto her desk. Peering at Haruka over the mountain of tea, Shizuru raised an eyebrow in silent inquiry as she took in the triumphant and absurdly proud grin the blonde wore.
“There!” Haruka declared, dusting off her hands and placing them on her hips. “What do you think about that, bubuzuke?”
“I think it’s an impressive amount of tea that Haruka has presented me with,” said Shizuru slowly, amusement lacing her words along with an honest confusion. “However, I do find myself curious as to why she’s given me such a vast supply.”
“You like tea,” said Haruka simply.
“Yes, I do, but that doesn’t explain why Haruka has given me so much of it to me,” said Shizuru, still puzzled.
Scratching her cheek and grimacing, expecting to hear the denials she’d been dealing with for the past few weeks, Haruka muttered, “I wanted to cheer you up. Since you won’t tell me what’s wrong, this is all I could think of. I know you like tea. You sometimes smile when you drink it and you’re always trying new kinds of tea so I just figured…”
“That you would purchase the contents of an entire tea shop for me?” Shizuru pursued teasingly.
“Something like that,” said Haruka, an embarrassed flush clinging to her cheeks, her stance suddenly defensive. It was in moments like these that she missed Yukino the most. She had a talent for things like this, for understanding people, reading what was hidden beneath the surface and it was a skill that Haruka had never managed to attain no matter how hard she tried. On some level she knew she wasn’t clever enough to grasp it. Yukino and Shizuru, they were so much smarter than her, Sara too, and Haruka wondered in her darker moments how such intelligent people found any measure of worth in her. They were beyond her in so many ways and that was horribly evident now. It was such an inadequate and simple solution, presenting tea to Shizuru as a gift in some pathetic hope of improving her mood and Haruka felt an uncharacteristic surge of humiliation and moved to gather as many of the containers as she could into her arms. “Never mind,” she said harshly. “It was a dumb idea.”
“No!” Shizuru exclaimed, rising to her feet in a sudden movement, leaning across the table and placing her hands Haruka’s arms, stilling her retreat. “It isn’t stupid of Haruka, not in the least,” she murmured in heartfelt tones, her fingers moving on the blonde’s arms in a reassuring caress. “Thoughtful, sweet, and unexpected, but not dumb. Never that.”
“It’s just tea,” said Haruka who had a stubborn look on her face as she placed the containers back on Shizuru’s desk. “I’d have done something better but it’s all I could think of since you won’t tell me what’s really wrong.” Folding her arms across her chest, she said, “You going to change your mind about that and tell me what’s bugging you?”
There was exasperation and aggravation in violet eyes but a silent plea as well and Shizuru knew Haruka wanted to know not out of curiosity as so many others would but rather out of a genuine concern for her. That concern almost made Shizuru reveal the real reason behind her discontent. Her unhappiness with the developing relationship between Haruka and Sara. If she was to be brutally honest, Shizuru would admit that Nao had been right in her previous assessment. She was jealous.
Shizuru was considering whether or not to tell Haruka exactly that when Nao’s sardonic drawl announced the redhead’s presence. “Don’t tell me you expect us to drink all that,” Nao remarked and the two Columns turned to see her walking into the room followed by Sara. “Not everyone shares your obsession for tea, Shizuru. I’d rather have a beer.”
“On the contrary,” began Shizuru, moving from behind her desk and walking over to Haruka. “This was a most precious gift from Haruka. Therefore, it isn’t meant to be shared.” All too aware of Sara’s eyes on her, narrowed and discerning, Shizuru smiled winsomely at Haruka whose face took on a dark red hue, obviously thinking the brunette was teasing her again. Giving into a feeling of whimsy and a bit of malice towards Sara, she leaned over and pressed a soft kiss onto Haruka’s left cheek while cupping the right with her hand. When she pulled away, Haruka was redder than ever and wore a slight scowl on her features. Shizuru wasn’t sure why but she somehow found the reaction altogether charming and tried to concentrate on that instead of the feelings created by the chaste kiss and Haruka’s gesture of kindness. Trying to push it from her mind, Shizuru focused on Nao and remarked, “Beer wouldn’t be at all appropriate in a meeting between the Columns.”
“Another reason why I could do without this job,” said Nao, settling herself on the couch and peering up at Shizuru with a sardonic expression. “I’m still not sure Fumi-sama didn’t volunteer me for this job just to torture me. I could be married to a rich Duke right now and living the high life if it wasn’t for her little proclamation about making me the 4th Column.”
“You could always retire,” Sara pointed out. Stepping in between Shizuru and Haruka, she hooked her arm with Haruka’s and guided her over to the couch. Shizuru wore a veiled smile at the gesture, finding it a subtle but altogether deliberate method of putting distance between herself and Haruka on Sara’s part. They sat down, Sara ensuring Haruka was against the arm of the couch leaving no room for Shizuru to sit next to her. Sara then turned her attention to Shizuru, her green eyes calculating and calm as if to tell Shizuru her attempt to antagonize her had failed, and suggested, “Should we start?”
The meeting proceeded much as they had in the past. Shizuru was strangely comforted by the idea of running Garderobe much in the same manner that Natsuki had. Feeling that if she continued on that path it was a way of keeping Natsuki’s legacy as Principal alive. It also helped to aid her when she felt lost as to the manner she should conduct herself as Principal. It was a role she didn’t feel at all suited to at times but with Natsuki as an example Shizuru was certain there wasn’t any chance of failure.
Things were civilized, with quiet discussion on all matters, until Shizuru announced Sara’s newest assignment. A diplomatic mission to Zipang which would keep her away from Garderobe for at least a month. There were immediate protests from Sara, her cheeks hot and eyes blazing, and each one was dismissed from Shizuru with cool logic. In the end there was a stalemate with Shizuru calling on Sara’s duty as the 1st Column, reminding her how all diplomatic matters were hers to handle, and this was no exception. Sara listened to this with obvious resentment, her mouth tight in a frown, before she was forced to agree.
After all, everything that Shizuru said was the truth. They were her responsibilities and this was a mission she should be going on, not any of the other Columns, and being away from Garderobe for a month or more was par the course for Sara. None of that changed the fact that Sara believed that Shizuru wasn’t sending her away for the mission. She was sending her away to keep her from Haruka and what enraged Sara the most was it was well within Shizuru’s rights as Principal to do this.
There was no oversight for the Principal, she was the chosen leader of the Columns, and there had been very few instances in the history of the Otome where her decisions were overridden. As much as Sara felt Shizuru’s reasons for sending her on this mission weren’t what she claimed that wasn’t enough to refuse her orders. Nao wouldn’t support her. She had only exhibited a lazy amusement at the sight of Sara bickering with Shizuru and Haruka was unusually subdued. This left Sara alone in this political battle and she was intelligent enough to recognize it wasn’t a fight she could win.
It didn’t stop her from trying to get a final shot in when their meeting was at an end. Rising to her feet, Haruka standing at her side, Sara looked at Shizuru with narrowed eyes and remarked, “Selfishness doesn’t suit the leader of Garderobe.” She turned on her heel and started to walk out of the office, following after a still amused Nao, but paused when she noticed Haruka hadn’t moved. “Haruka?” she questioned, a gentle demand in her voice.
“If it’s all right,” began Shizuru smoothly, offering a glittering smile. “I need to talk to your oneesama in private.”
Never one to be easily antagonized, Sara returned the smile with a bright one of her own, dipping her head at Shizuru before turning on her heel and exiting the office. A confused look on her features, Haruka turned to Shizuru. “What’s going on?” she asked with a frown. “Why are you acting this way with Sara?”
“I’m sure I don’t know what Haruka means. I’ve simply sent Sara on a mission that falls under her duties as the 1st Column. What is so unusual about that?” asked Shizuru guilelessly.
“Maybe,” Haruka allowed, muttering and rubbing the back of her head. She had a look of consternation as she sat on the couch and peered up at Shizuru. “It just didn’t seem that way. I mean, it was more like you wanted to get rid of her than send her on a mission.” Scratching her cheek, Haruka paused, then reached for Shizuru’s hand, tugging her down until they were sitting next to each other on the couch. “When you were gone we all ran this place together. It wasn’t easy but we did it because we’re a team, you know? And it’s gotten easier with you back but just now… it didn’t seem like we were still a team. More like you were our master and we’re your servants.” Haruka had a painfully earnest look on her face as she gazed at Shizuru. “I don’t like feeling that way, Shizuru. It’s not how things should be with any of us.”
“Haruka,” said Shizuru quietly, swallowing the lump that suddenly appeared in her throat. “I’m sorry. I didn’t intend—”
“I know that,” interrupted Haruka, scoffing and offering a lopsided smirk. She lightly rapped Shizuru on her forehead, violet eyes shining as she drawled, “Just don’t do it again, huh?” When Shizuru returned her smile, Haruka slapped her own knees hard then said, “So! What did you want to talk to me about?”
Blinking at the sudden change in topic, Shizuru shook her head then tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. It was hard, even after all of these years, to get used to how easily Haruka forgave and moved on. The former General never seemed to dwell long on the bad things in life. Only Yukino’s death had ever truly slowed Haruka down. It was a testament to how much Haruka loved Yukino that she couldn’t move past her death when countless times before Haruka would immediately recover from whatever was thrown in her path, whether it caused her physical or emotional turmoil.
“I wish to honor Natsuki and Yukino’s final works,” said Shizuru. When Haruka blinked at her, she continued solemnly, “The Earl Defense Force and the plans they made for it were worthy ones. They shouldn’t be abandoned because of selfish and greedy men who hide behind acts of terrorism. I don’t believe that my Natsuki or your Yukino would have wanted that.” Taking Haruka’s hands in her own, Shizuru squeezed them gently. “Though they didn’t know it at the time, they died for the idea they had, that dream of the future. Because of that, I think we should keep it alive for them and ensure it comes true.”
Silence then Haruka enthusiastically nodded, squeezing Shizuru’s hands in a tight grip, her voice hoarse as she said, “You’re right. We shouldn’t give up on it. Yukino wouldn’t have wanted that. Neither would the Principal.”
“Then we’ll complete their work,” said Shizuru softly, her fingers lightly stroking Haruka’s palms. “Together.”
——
The next day, Sara left for Zipang and Haruka and Shizuru began their work to revive the plans for the Earl Defense Force and the restructuring of the Otome. From early in the day to well into the night they worked, day after day, until more than a month had passed and Sara’s mission in Zipang had been extended due to the unexpected appearance of the Schwartz. As a Column of Garderobe, Sara had naturally offered the Shogun her assistance. It wouldn’t be right to do otherwise.
Though she had an abundance of time alone with Haruka to broach the topic of Sara and her opinions on the burgeoning relationship between them, Shizuru never brought it up. She didn’t want to speak about Sara while she was with Haruka. Instead she wanted to concentrate on their time together and their work with the EDF which was quickly becoming something of an obsession for them both. As if bringing the organization back to life was somehow akin to revitalizing their lost loves though they knew painfully well this was impossible.
Late one evening, their work was interrupted by the noticeable rumbling of Haruka’s stomach. “That’s it, bubuzuke,” Haruka declared forcefully, rising to her feet and giving her midsection a smack that caused to Shizuru to wince in sympathetic pain. “We need to take a dinner break. I’m starving! My stomach even says so.”
“I wasn’t aware Haruka’s stomach enjoyed conversing with her,” said Shizuru teasingly, neatly putting away their paperwork. They had taken to working in their quarters for added comfort and privacy and the brunette headed towards her kitchen as she said, “I’m sure I must have something that would make it quiet again. Perhaps something from Aries cuisine?”
“Forget cooking,” said Haruka dismissively, stretching her arms over her head and tilting her head from side to side. “Lets just get something to eat in Wind City.” At this suggestion, Shizuru froze and Haruka blinked. “What? You’re allowed, aren’t you?”
“I am,” said Shizuru slowly. “The terms of my sentence does allow passage into Windbloom. It was needed in order for me to take up duties as the interim Principal. Diplomatic meetings would have been difficult should I be trapped at Garderobe.”
“Then lets go out,” said Haruka easily. “You should get away from this place. It’s got to be stippling, right?”
“I think Haruka means stifling,” murmured Shizuru with a fond smile. “And I never find it that way when she is with me.” When Haruka reddened at this, Shizuru darted her eyes away from the other woman before forming a winsome smile. “But I do have all of Haruka’s favorite foods from her homeland. Including a marvelous strawberry tart from a bakery in Mar. It would be a shame to waste it. Especially when it’s been purchased just for her.”
Frowning and following after Shizuru as she walked into her kitchen, Haruka replied, “We can eat that anytime. You’ve been stuck in here ever since you got back. Don’t you want a change in scenery?”
Standing in front of the refrigerator, her hand on the door, Shizuru’s hand turned white from how hard she was gripping it. Though she wasn’t the keenest person in the world, Haruka noticed this and the stiff set of Shizuru’s shoulders. Walking up behind the other woman, Haruka lightly rested her hand on Shizuru’s back. Well aware of the questions that were about to be given voice, Shizuru looked over her shoulder, offering a weak smile. “I would prefer to stay in,” she said quietly.
Haruka’s frown deepened as she stated, “You don’t hide.” Shizuru didn’t reply and Haruka turned the other woman around, ducking her head so their eyes would meet. “You don’t,” Haruka reiterated, as if to convince herself of this fact. “What is it?” Shizuru said Haruka’s name with a quiet sigh and looked off to one side, a stubborn set to her features that didn’t disappear, even when the blonde cupped her cheek in an achingly tender touch. “Tell me,” Haruka insisted.
“I did monstrous things to avenge Natsuki’s death,” said Shizuru, looking Haruka in the eyes, her gaze steady. “Horrible things read about and witnessed by the innocents of Windbloom and I…” Ducking her head down, Shizuru’s jaw clenched and she said stiffly, “I am nowhere as brave as Haruka would make me out to be. From certain things, I would very much like to hide.”
“Shizuru,” said Haruka softly and Shizuru waited for the rest of the sentence, for the ridicule, for the skepticism, but it never came. Instead she was gathered up in Haruka’s arms, held in a fierce embrace. “It wasn’t you.”
Laughing harshly at this, Shizuru said, “Then who was it? Someone who looked exactly like me and wears my GEM?”
“You know what I mean,” Haruka grumbled, pulling back and scowling at Shizuru. “Back when all that was happening, you weren’t yourself. Neither of us were. Maybe what you did, it wasn’t right, but it wasn’t all wrong either. Those men… they went along their whole lives thinking they were better than everybody else. That they could do whatever they wanted because of the status and power they were born into.” Haruka’s expression grew dark and she clenched her hands into fists. “It’s not justice how I was taught in Aries, by my parents and the military, but they deserved what they got. They killed thousands.”
“I almost killed innocents, Haruka,” said Shizuru, shaking out of the blonde’s grasp. “You never did that.”
“No, but I was with you all that time, wasn’t I?” Haruka retorted, glaring at Shizuru. “I guarded you every second of every day and I killed people too so don’t make it out like I’m some kind of saint. If you’re a horrible monster than so am I.”
“No,” Shizuru shook her head and said the word emphatically, knowing she spoke the truth. “It wasn't you. The plan for the revenge, the killings, you never would have done that on you own, Haruka. I dragged you into it.” Unbidden, Shizuru stepped forward, lightly touching Haruka’s face as she said in a whisper, “You did it for me. So I wouldn’t have to be alone.”
A dark red hue emerged on Haruka’s features and she looked at her feet. “Doesn’t matter why I did it,” she said after a long moment, looking up at Shizuru with an intense gaze. “The results are still the same.” She paused, looking away from Shizuru as she continued, “We both lost somebody. Maybe I don’t show it the same but I was just as angry about Yukino as you were about Natsuki. I just… my parents, you know?” Haruka said quietly, appearing almost brooding. “I grew up with war and I got used to awful things and it’s not the same with Yukino, she was my wife, but it wasn’t anything I hadn’t seen before.”
They never spoke of Haruka’s experiences with the Aries military. In the back of her mind, Shizuru knew how Haruka grew up, she was aware of how different it was from her luxurious upbringing as a daughter of an Archduke, but they never spoke about all the things Haruka had witnessed because of it. She wondered if Haruka even told Yukino. Part of Shizuru thought that Haruka would have wanted to shield her wife from those sort of things. Certainly it seemed like a Haruka thing to do. It was something chivalrous and kind, which to Shizuru fit very neatly into a Haruka characteristic.
“We shouldn’t pretend as if it didn’t happen,” said Shizuru and Haruka jerked her head up to look at her with wide eyes. “All those awful things we’ve seen and what we did in their names, all of it happened, and not thinking about it or speaking of it doesn’t take it away. Instead it simply festers, like a wound becomes infected.” Slowly, as if compelled, Shizuru reached for Haruka, pulling her into an embrace and when the blonde wrapped her arms around her waist, Shizuru felt like she could breathe again. “Ignoring it won’t help anything, Haruka,” she murmured.
“Then,” Haruka said this slowly, her brow furrowing as she looked at Shizuru. “We’ll go out to dinner in Wind City?” Before Shizuru could reply, she went on, “If we’re not ignoring and hiding anymore it only makes sense. Don’t you worry, bubuzuke,” she puffed her cheeks up then formed a rakish grin. “I won’t let anybody say something to you.”
“Haruka is most gallant,” said Shizuru, chuckling and wearing a fond expression. When Haruka blinked at her, Shizuru chuckled again and tapped her on the nose. “Which is to say she’s thoughtful and courageous, exactly as a prince should be.”
“You’re making fun of me, aren’t you?” questioned Haruka, frowning as she studied Shizuru.
“I considered it flirting but if Haruka rather call it making fun then I do find that agreeable,” said Shizuru airily, turning and walking out of the kitchen and towards her bedroom.
“Hey!” Haruka called, still frowning and putting her hands on her hips. “Where are you going?”
“To change my clothes,” said Shizuru, looking over her shoulder and flashing Haruka a winning smile. “If we’re going out for dinner then I want to look my best for Haruka. It’s the least I can do for my date.”
Left alone in the kitchen, Haruka wore a dumb expression as she silently mouthed the word date. Seconds later she scowled and rolled her eyes, shoving her hands into the pockets of her jacket, convinced Shizuru was messing with her yet again.
——-
The restaurant that Haruka chose was isolated and out of the way, just like the table they sat at, well from the eyes of any curious patrons. Shizuru noticed, with a great deal of fondness, how Haruka noticeably placed herself in the way of attention, deliberately using her body to block Shizuru from anyone's sight.
They ordered food and drinks, then were left alone to their own devices, and Shizuru noticed Haruka twisting her wedding ring around her finger. Moving on instinct, she reached for Haruka's hand, stilling this action. "Haruka," Shizuru said, smiling at the perplexed look Haruka gave her. Sliding her fingers through Haruka's, she joined their hands. "Why are you nervous?"
"I'm not nervous!" protested Haruka, her cheeks turning red and her expression indignant.
"Then why was Haruka playing with her wedding ring?" questioned Shizuru, a knowing look in her eyes. "You only do this when you feel anxious. I've noticed it often in the past and the habit has yet to change."
Haruka grumbled and she clenched her jaw, looking off to one side as she muttered, "You don't play fair, you know that, bubuzuke? Most people don't notice stuff like that but you..."
"But I?" prompted Shizuru guilelessly.
"But you notice everything," Haruka finished in thoroughly irritated tones. "It's annoying." Before Shizuru could respond, Haruka's hold seemed to tighten imperceptibly as she said, "Sometimes I think about the work we're doing with the EDF and I wonder if it's what Yukino would want. I mean," Haruka lifted her gaze and looked and Shizuru with wide and almost pleading eyes. "I'm not Yukino. I never could be. She was so much smarter than me in so many different ways and I don't think I could ever do the same things as her and sometimes I get stuck thinking if I'm doing things how she would want."
"I often feel the same in my duties as Principal," Shizuru revealed, smiling at the look of shock Haruka wore. "What?" she teased, tilting her head to one side. "Does Haruka truly think me so very confident?"
Snorting humorously, Haruka replied, "You got to admit you play up the image, Shizuru."
"Perhaps," allowed Shizuru with a soft smile. "All the same, the role as Principal is not one I was trained for and I often find myself questioning my actions. I find it helpful to try and imagine what Natsuki would do if she was in my place."
"Yeah," said Haruka quietly. "It's not the same though. I think maybe you and Natsuki, because you were Otome, you were closer with your work than Yukino and I ever were. Even if I try to figure what Yukino would do I can't ever really know for sure. She was so different from me." Haruka gave a derisive chuckle and said, "That's probably why I was in love with her."
"Is Haruka saying that she doesn't love herself?" asked Shizuru and though there was a light teasing to her question, Haruka could see a genuine concern lurking in her gaze.
"I don't know," Haruka admitted, scratching her cheek. "I think I know better than anybody what all my faults are and that's what has me wondering if I could ever do Yukino's dream any justice. No matter how hard I try, I can't ever be her."
"Why do you think that would ever be necessary?" Shizuru questioned with a frown. "Haruka has always proven herself able to any task she's put her mind to. Why would this be any different?"
"This isn't what I do, Shizuru," said Haruka, frustration creeping into her voice. She stared at her hand, once again twisting her wedding ring around her finger. Silence reigned for several moments until she said in a near whisper, "Yukino made this just for me, you know that?" Haruka lifted her head and offered a weak smile. "Remember when I got engaged? You and all the other Otome, even the Principal, making fun of me for not proposing. I was the obvious one to do it, me being bigger, stronger, all that... but I was happy Yukino proposed instead of me. That she told me how worried she was when I was stuck as a damn stone statue, afraid that she'd never get me back, and how she didn't want to waste anymore time." Staring at the ring again, Haruka muttered, "I was so happy back then." Running her finger over the engraving, Haruka continued, "I don't know if I'll ever be that happy again." Lifting her head, Haruka looked at Shizuru with a firm expression. "Yukino was stronger than me in so many ways that I could never explain. If I was the one gone, I know she could keep going."
"I understand," said Shizuru quietly. When Haruka stared at her blankly, Shizuru offered a winsome smile and said, "I saw that strength for myself after the enrollment battle and I defeated you for my Natsuki. She was less than pleased with me. I must admit, I rather prefer Haruka's wrath to Yukino's. Hers seemed scarier somehow."
Laughing at this, Haruka shook her head. "She was furious at you," Haruka grinned. "Maybe more than I was."
"She told me as much," revealed Shizuru with a smile. She paused, suddenly becoming serious as she said, "I want you to know, I regret my actions still. How I held back during our battles at the academy. I know you forgave me but--"
"Bridge under the water, bubuzuke," said Haruka carelessly, waving her hand and forming a lopsided grin. "Besides, you were fighting for the Principal and that's what made all the difference, didn't it? I understand that."
Amused at Haruka's verbal foible but feeling no need to correct it, Shizuru smiled softly. A smile that faded as she thought of all the things Natsuki had given her over the years. Things that were destroyed utterly or damaged and hiding in storage. She felt Haruka's hand on hers, holding it gently, and Shizuru looked up to the question in Haruka's gaze. "I wish Natsuki and I married. I know she loved me, truly and deeply, but sometimes I dream of the wedding we should have had." Shizuru looked at the candle on their table, focusing on the flame, as she continued, "There's nothing left, is there?"
"Shizuru?" Haruka asked with a frown.
"Our room," murmured Shizuru, a sad smile curving on her lips. "You were there, weren't you, Haruka? You gathered our things and put them somewhere safe for me. There wasn't anything left when I was done, was there? After I left the scene of the--" Shizuru stopped suddenly, unsure how to phrase it, crime, murder, tragedy? In the end, she settled on not calling it anything at all. "I returned to our quarters and I was mad with grief. I doubt there was much to recover."
"There were a few things that were okay," said Haruka quietly, still holding onto Shizuru's hand. A look of concern was furrowed on Haruka's brow as she said, "Do you want me to tell you what I kept? I only threw away the stuff that there was no way you'd ever be able to fix it, things that were crushed and shattered, but everything else I put in storage." An anxious look formed on Haruka's features. "I should've asked you before I did anything. Gotten permission."
"No, Haruka," said Shizuru quickly, squeezing her hand in reassurance. "You did the right thing. It's as I told you before, returning to that place, where I had shared so much with my Natsuki, it's unimaginable for me now. I would be overwhelmed and I fear it would return me to that dark place which I've only recently escaped from. Haruka did the right thing. She is, as she has always been, a thoughtful and true friend."
"Bubuzuke," muttered Haruka, the tips of her ears turning red, and Shizuru delighted in the sight. It was an honest and enchanting reaction and it was one of the many small reasons why Haruka had wormed her way into Shizuru's heart. Her total lack of subterfuge, how nothing remained hidden with her, and everything in the end, was laid bare. Haruka coughed and a determined look seized her features as she murmured, "I think when you're ready, we should go through everything. I'm sure there's got to be things in there that you'd want. Things Natsuki gave to you that'd bring back happy memories."
"I believe Haruka is correct in her estimation," said Shizuru softly, "but this is not the time."
The waitress returned with their food and soon, Haruka was too busy dealing with Shizuru's flirting and her insistence on feeding Haruka bits and pieces of her meal. Eventually, Haruka gave in with a grumble and a severely dirty look, opening her mouth and allowing Shizuru to feed her a bite of her dessert, a slice of strawberry cake that reminded Haruka of happier days. Though, she had to admit, this had been one of the most enjoyable evenings she experienced in some time.
----
It was a great relief to the Garderobe students when Haruka remained in charge of the Fighting Tactics classes. While she was a stern teacher who sometimes had moments where she utterly lacked patience, she was a kind one as well, and many found her far less intimidating than Miss Maria. Perhaps because Haruka would laugh and she would smile and when she complimented you, it was boisterous on such a level you couldn't doubt you did a good job. This quickly endeared her to many Otome trainees who would have sorely missed her as an instructor.
As loved as Haruka was by the students, the more they knew her, the less remote she became. She transformed from a distant idol into a real person and many could no longer put her on the far away pedestals that many of their Otome heroes resided on. For Haruka, this was ideal. She never could stand being idolized, she found the very concept ridiculous and she was glad the trainees were now seeing her as a person, no different from them.
However, it was quite a different attitude when it came to Shizuru.
Despite their actions involving Fidelus Altus and the whispers of revenge and rage and madness, or maybe for some because of it, Shizuru remained a revered figure for many trainees. Her elusive distance paired with perfect manners and charming smiles kept her ever present fanbase attracted and it irritated Haruka just the same as when they were students. Age did mellow her some though and instead of scaring off the admirers with shouts and threats, she settled for looks that could kill and a very obvious disapproval that barely simmered beneath the surface, a glower on her features when she bore witness to some of Shizuru's more enthusiastic fans. This was certainly her reaction when Shizuru appeared towards the end of her Fighting Tactics class and several trainees immediately clamored around her for attention.
Haruka huffed and ignored it, focusing on the students that always sought her after class, asking her for further advice on their fighting techniques and sometimes requesting additional training. She was going through her schedule to arrange a training session for five of the Corals who were currently battling for the top ranked position when she felt a soft touch at the small of her back. It was strange, knowing it was Shizuru without turning to look at her. Haruka never had this with anyone but Yukino, an ability to sense their presence. After all, she was hardly the most observant person in the world. That was what sidelined her in many of her battles. The inability to see anything beyond the surface. Deception and guile was never in her nature and neither was watching her back for underhanded attacks. That being so, Haruka never quite managed to see things unless their confronted her head on. She never had a sixth sense about anything unless it pertained to Yukino.
Maybe she didn't have that for Shizuru but Haruka knew her. She knew her better than anyone else knew Shizuru and it meant something to Haruka that she could feel Shizuru's presence without looking at her. It was comforting in a strange way, to have that closeness again and it reassured her immensely.
"Are you finished for the day?" Shizuru's voice echoed in her ear and Haruka grunted in affirmation. She nodded at her students, reminding the time and place for the training session, and they chimed their consensus eagerly. Haruka sighed, looking at the shine of admiration in their eyes, sure it was directed at Shizuru and wondering why blind hero worship couldn't at least escape the better trainees. Rolling her eyes, Haruka grasped Shizuru's hand in her own, leading them quickly away from the students. As they walked, Shizuru tilted her head to one side, an affectionate smile curving on her lips as she reached out to curl a lock of Haruka's hair around her finger. "Haruka is a popular instructor. I've been told that enrollment in all levels of the Fighting Tactics classes has increased tenfold since she took over for Miss Maria. She must be proud."
"Being an Otome isn't a popularity contest," said Haruka derisively.
"No, it's about guts, isn't it?" Shizuru teased and Haruka scoffed. Clucking her tongue and sighing, Shizuru hooked her arm in Haruka's and led her across the grounds. "Popularity might not matter to Haruka but surely it makes her feel good to know the students enjoy her classes." Haruka grumbled in response and Shizuru smiled mischievously, poking Haruka in the side and ducking her head to meet their eyes. "It is flattering to hear, is it not?"
"I guess," admitted Haruka reluctantly, puffing out her cheeks. "Mostly it's nice to see them learning from me, you know? I like knowing I'm actually helping them and sometimes..." She trailed off, her cheeks turning red, and she muttered, "It's stupid."
"If Haruka thinks it, I'm sure it's anything but," murmured Shizuru with quiet strength and when Haruka turned to her she saw the unwavering support in rust colored eyes and it warmed her heart. "Tell me?"
"Sometimes I think about what's going to happen when they leave here," said Haruka quietly. "How screwed up things are right now with the world leaders and the nobles. Our work with the EDF makes me see that and I picture them fighting each other for the sake of corrupt Masters that don't deserve their loyalty and I hope maybe, somehow, some of the things I've taught them helps." Haruka shook her head and released a bitter laugh. "It's stupid. Thinking I'd be that important in the end."
"It isn't stupid," said Shizuru strongly, moving to stand in front of Haruka. She reached out slowly, touching Haruka's face with the palm of her hand, fingers extending gently over her skin in a soft caress. "It's wonderful to want such a thing."
"I just want it to be better for them," said Haruka quietly. "The Otome system has never been perfect but looking at all the things Natsuki and Yukino found... it just makes all the bad things so much clearer. We can't ignore it anymore."
"There was a great deal of wrong to be found," Shizuru agreed, leading Haruka down the path, pausing at the entrance to the small grove where they had trained together so many years ago. She surprised Haruka by arranging her dress carefully and sitting down on the grass, peering up at Haruka with an inviting look in her eyes. Haruka soon settled next to her and Shizuru said, "I think we will be successful in our endeavor. Certainly, our opposers will be less tempted to threaten us after our recent actions, and there are far more countries who will gain from our plans than those who will suffer. It will ensure that all nations in Earl operate on an even playing field as far as Otome are concerned."
"Sort of hard to believe we've got so many countries who've never had an Otome," said Haruka thoughtfully. "I guess it makes sense though. The academy isn't exactly cheap. I never liked it," she muttered, frowning severely. "The idea that the rich could just pay for their own personal army and Garderobe didn't get any real say over where Otome went. That as long as you could foot the bill and your candidate was good enough, you got yourself the most powerful soldier on Earl."
"Of course," said Shizuru with mild humor. "Some soldiers are more powerful than others."
Making a noise at this, Haruka eyed Shizuru and said, "It's pretty lucky you ended up as a Column, bubuzuke. I think Artai and Cardair would've wet themselves if you'd ended up working for the Windbloom royals."
"I rather think my father would have allowed me to laze about the house, to be honest," said Shizuru playfully.
"Daddy's girl," remarked Haruka, a grin forming and she laid down on the grass, peering up at Shizuru. "It figures."
"It was hard to be anything but a daddy's girl due to my mother's death," said Shizuru honestly. "I barely remember her, to be honest. She died when I was so young and my father has always been a constant presence in my life. He spoiled me," she said this with a chuckle and Haruka snorted, causing Shizuru to beam at her. "I suppose he didn't know any other way. I've always felt like he was trying to make up for the fact that my mother was gone and because of that he gave me whatever he thought I wanted. In the end, perhaps, it did me more harm than good."
"My folks are almost identical in personality," said Haruka casually. Her face screwed up in a comical expression and she muttered, "It's kind of weird when I think about it. I mean, there are times when they'd say the exact same thing at the exact same time. At least they don't look alike."
"Is that why Haruka loved Yukino so? Because she was different from herself?" asked Shizuru with a genuine curiosity.
"Once you helped me figure things out it sort of felt like I always loved her," Haruka revealed, looking up at Shizuru. "We'd known each other since we were kids, you know? I think maybe it started with how kind she was. I can't help mixing up my words. I've tried since I was young to stop it and there were a million things I did to help but nothing ever worked and I just got used to people thinking stuff about me because of it. That I was stupid mostly. I got used to people making fun of me for it, laughing behind my back." Haruka said scornfully, "They'd never say anything to my face. Too afraid, I guess, and it's not like insulting people is a brave thing to do so it makes sense. Anyway," Haruka sighed. "Yukino never did that. She just accepted it as part of who I was and she never made me feel stupid, even with her being so much smarter. It was like everything I did and said mattered to her and I never felt that way with anyone else."
"Natsuki was the first person to reject me," said Shizuru humorously. Haruka's eyebrows immediately shot up and Shizuru laughed at her reaction, smiling happily. "It's shocking, isn't it? Until her everyone I thought to approach always accepted my affections when I made an offer but Natsuki..." Shizuru shook her head and her eyes had a far off look as she focused on the distance, lost in the memories. "She wanted more than what I had to give and she made me reconsider my life and my choices. Haruka was my first friend, the first person besides my father to truly know me, but Natsuki forced me to lower my defenses and trust another. She never held back from me either, she always spoke her mind, and once I let her in, she never allowed me to deflect her for long. I always knew I needed her more than she needed me but when she died--" Shizuru swallowed hard and looked down at Haruka. "That became so abundantly clear."
"She'd want you to go on," said Haruka in a murmur. "I didn't know the Principal that well but I'm pretty sure about that."
"Haruka is right, Natsuki would want that," said Shizuru softly, her fingers digging into the dirt, and trying not to think about how hard it still was to get up and make it through the day knowing Natsuki was gone. "I also think she would want me to try and be close to another as I was to her in order to help myself but I don't think it's possible. I've been playing my part for so very long and sometimes I think Natsuki will always be the only one able to see it for what it is other than Haruka."
Considering Shizuru thoughtfully, Haruka tapped her fingers lightly on the top of her hand, only stopping when Shizuru entwined their fingers and studying them, Haruka murmured, "I never liked how people look at you. Maybe it bugs me because I know I that I can't see the trees for the forest. I've never been good at figuring things out that aren't obvious and if I'm like that and I can see when you're putting on your little act, why can't they? They just go blindly along when you're pretending like it's the real you and I hate that." Haruka stared up at Shizuru, a hard look on her features. "I hate it because it kept you separate from people for years because you couldn't trust anyone who believed that show you put on. I can't blame you for feeling that way, bubuzuke, but it's not right. Never has been."
"Haruka," said Shizuru quietly and she didn't know why tears were in her eyes but they were and she saw Haruka frown deeper and curse, pushing herself up and hurriedly wiping the tears away as they fell. Shaking her head and laughing in a strangely joyful manner, she confessed, "I don't know why I'm crying."
"That makes two of us then," Haruka muttered, finished wiping away the tears, and wearing a wry smile Shizuru laughed at. Haruka's touch lingered on Shizuru's face, cupping it in her hands, and she looked steadfast into Shizuru's eyes, holding her in a solemn gaze. "I don't know a lot but I know you and you know me, Shizuru. None of that fake stuff, the airs, and the stupid reputations matter. You and me, we know each other, and I'll always be there for you."
"Where is this coming from?" asked Shizuru, feeling a mild panic, wondering if Haruka knew something she didn't. Just the thought of losing Haruka caused immense dread, and Shizuru was positive she wouldn't survive it, not after Natsuki dying.
"Dunno," Haruka scoffed and heaving a sigh as she flopped back on the grass. "Maybe it's all the plans for the EDF and the meetings we've been having with the world leaders? I just feel like we're going to get threats soon and things are going to get tough but none of that matters to me. Not if I'm helping achieve Yukino's dream and not so long as I've got you with me." She formed a wild grin and whapped Shizuru in the midsection as she declared, "You and me, bubuzuke! We can do anything we put our minds to. Especially when it's for Natsuki and Yukino."
"Yes," said Shizuru, smiling softly, "especially when it's for them."
Whatever Haruka was going to say next was silenced by the familiar cry of her name and Shizuru instinctively frowned on hearing it. Moments later, Sara Gallagher was landing in front of them, dematerializing her robe and wearing a huge grin that Haruka matched as she leapt to her feet. The feeling was uncomfortable and unsettling, watching as they embraced in a hug, Sara laughing gleefully as Haruka lifted her off the ground, chastising Sara affectionately for being gone so long. With not a little irritation, Shizuru rose to her feet and left them alone, thinking Haruka most likely wouldn't notice she was missing and if she did maybe she would feel a bit guilty. Though it was spiteful of her, that thought gave her a small measure of comfort.
----
Haruka did indeed notice Shizuru's absence and it caused her to frown and wonder at it but her thoughts were soon focused on Sara and news of her trip to Zipang. She had returned only temporarily, having to speak to Shizuru on behalf of the Shogun, before returning to aid the nation with the investigation of the Schwartz attacks. They had theories on who hired the Schwartz but nothing solid and Sara had promised her assistance until the real culprits were caught.
They settled in Haruka's quarters, as was their habit, and Haruka set about making a quick and easy meal consisting of dishes she knew to be Sara's favorites. Thanks to her childhood as a military brat, Haruka had traveled all over Aries, and she learned to cook quite an array of food, including the traditional meals of Mar, which was where Sara grew up. Watching as Sara dug into her meal with certain zeal, Haruka grinned. As mature as Sara was, she reminded Haruka of a child when she ate. There was a simple joy when Sara had a good meal and it pleased Haruka to provide that for her.
"You've been spending a lot of time with the Shogun then," remarked Haruka, sitting next to Sara at the table, and reaching for her drink. Sara nodded and took another bite of her food before washing it down with a drink of wine.
"Zipang is expanding rapidly, as you know," said Sara seriously, straightening in her chair. "He suspects certain western nations are feeling the strain of their increasing wealth and power. Frightened of the idea of what they could become and perhaps they mean to stop Zipang's rise while it's still a possibility. To do this openly would mean war and with how unstable the treaty of nations has become since Artai's defeat, that's hardly the soundest strategy. Hence, hiring the Schwartz."
"They're just cowards," said Haruka, her voice thick with disdain. "You have any clue who it is?"
"A few suspects but nothing solid," said Sara, sounding thoroughly disappointed to admit this. Shaking her head and taking another bite of her food, she muttered around it, "Maybe Viola wasn't just trying to get rid of me by sending me off to Zipang. They have a lot going on and as advanced as they're becoming they don't have the experience to deal with it."
"Shizuru wouldn't send you off for putty reasons," Haruka defended fiercely. "She's doing her best as Principal and it's hard for her, trying to do Natsuki's work. I know how hard it's been for me, helping her with the EDF, always thinking and wondering about how Yukino would handle things, always second guessing myself and that's just some of the time. It's not like that's my main duty around here. Shizuru's doing Natsuki's job all the time with her position as the 3rd Column." Huffing and folding her arms over her chest, she grumbled, "Fumi-sama should pick a 2nd Column already. How long has it been?"
"Petty reasons," Sara corrected gently, watching Haruka with careful eyes. "And it's been two and half years now but I think you already know that, Haruka."
Staring Sara down, well aware of how right she was, how she couldn't seem to stop counting the minutes, days, months, and years since Yukino died. It was ever present in her mind and she wished it wasn't. That she could forget but it was out of the question and maybe that was why Haruka reached for the bottle of wine and poured herself a glass. She hardly ever drank but tonight it seemed like a good idea. Particularly with Sara looking at her with impossibly kind eyes.
"I wish I didn't," Haruka muttered, finishing off the drink and setting it down on the table, walking into the living room and standing by the long windows, gazing out at the campus. Sometimes she wondered at the design of these quarters. How she managed to get a nice view but Shizuru, who lived right next to her, got stuck looking at a bunch of buildings. She started at a soft touch to her shoulder and turned to see Sara standing beside her. "Sorry," she sighed. "I don't know what's wrong with me." Studying Sara's features, tender and filled with concern for her, she felt a familiar tug in her heart. Unable to help herself, she touched that face, absently noting how soft the skin was. "Some homecoming, huh? But I did miss you."
"Of course you did," said Sara, a mischievous smile on her lips. "The daily calls and weekly gifts assured me of that." Haruka reddened at this and looked away from Sara who relished this reaction. "I just have one question. Why so much food?"
"You don't eat right if I'm not watching you!" Haruka protested indignantly. "You'll just eat whatever junk is in front of you."
"Mou!" Sara exclaimed, bouncing around Haruka to stand in front of her. "I think you just love to exaggerate my terrible eating habits. Which really aren't all that bad."
"One week I caught you eating nothing but candy bars," reminded Haruka sternly.
"Some of them were protein bars," said Sara, though her cheeks still held a flush of embarrassment.
"My point stands," said Haruka with dry humor. She found herself reaching out again, fingering a lock of Sara's light blonde hair between her fingers thoughtfully. "When do you have to go back?"
"Tomorrow or the day after," Sara replied in a whisper.
Haruka nodded solemnly at this and questioned, "When will you return? For good this time?"
"I don't know," said Sara sadly and she looked like she wanted to say something more. She wanted to apologize for leaving but she knew Haruka well enough that she wouldn't appreciate it. Hearing Sara apologize for doing her duty wasn't needed, not when it was something that Haruka understood and accepted as a part of their lives as Otome. "Soon, I hope."
"We'll just have to make the most of the time we have," said Haruka strongly.
She nodded and beamed at Sara who laughed and agreed, moving in for a hug. Haruka returned the hug, noting the shine of tears in Sara's eyes and the way she clung to her, almost as if she was afraid of their inevitable parting. It reminded her so much of Yukino that it was painful but it was a pleasant ache. One that Haruka wouldn't lose for anything. Perhaps that's why Haruka didn't back away as she watched Sara lift her head and rise up on her toes, her actions were hesitant and easily telegraphed, even for Haruka. She knew what was coming and when their lips met in a breath of a kiss, nothing more than a light touch of their lips, it hardly came as a surprise. The fact that she wanted it to happen again was though. It wasn't anything like her first kiss with Yukino. That was all instinct and passion and emotion pouring out of Haruka, it was all of her love held back by confusion finally being let loose and Yukino matched her affections completely. This kiss with Sara, it was a soft thing, fearful in a way, and Haruka could see Sara waiting for her rejection and it was more than she could take.
Sara had done so much for her and maybe she didn't make Haruka feel like Yukino did but who could ever do that? Haruka didn't think it was even possible for her to love someone as much as she loved Yukino. To share that all encompassing connection but just the same, she did feel something for Sara, and she hated seeing that look on her face. Not when Sara was so much like Yukino in how she treated her. Only Yukino ever treated her gently, with any measure of care, everyone else saw how she fought and how rough her personality was and treated her accordingly. Never thinking twice of speaking bluntly to her, never considering how their words or actions might hurt her feelings, but Yukino treated her like she was a precious and delicate thing. This kiss they just shared, hesitant and meager as it was, reminded Haruka of that. Of how Sara saw more than the front she presented, beyond the bluster and the bragging, to who she really was. The fact that Sara did all of that for her and still believed that Haruka would spurn her...
"Don't cry," said Haruka roughly, wiping away the tears that had started to fall, "not because of me." Sara laughed and started to reply but Haruka pulled her closer and lowered her head, capturing her lips in a firm kiss.
In the back of her mind, Haruka did wonder why this didn't feel like a betrayal to Yukino. Was it because Sara reminded her so much of Yukino? Or was she just more concerned with erasing the sadness in those bright green eyes? Sara had shown time and time again how much she cared for her and the idea that she didn't think herself worthy, it tore at Haruka, and she wanted to rid Sara of those feelings. Especially when being with Sara brought Haruka a measure of comfort and happiness, reminding her of happier times with Yukino. She couldn't lose that, she needed it to survive. Of that, Haruka was sure.
All her life, she had only been with Yukino, only kissed and touched Yukino, and she never wanted it to be any other way but Yukino was gone and while she knew she shouldn't compare, Haruka couldn't help it. Kissing Sara lacked the intensity, the utter need, of her embraces with Yukino but it was soothing and it was sweet and Haruka did find it enjoyable. Enough that she wanted to do it again the instant they separated but was stopped by the amusing sight of Sara's small wire rimmed glasses filled with steam. This happened one or two times with Yukino and it never failed to entertain and beguile Haruka and it was no different now with Sara. The younger Otome blushed at this and started to reach for her glasses but Haruka removed them for her, carefully folding them up and putting them in the pocket of her pants.
"Can you see?" asked Haruka humorously, caressing the side of Sara's face, taking in the way she leaned into her touch.
"Haruka," Sara pouted playfully, poking Haruka in the stomach. "I'm not blind."
"Good," Haruka breathed and she kissed Sara again. For the first time, she felt as if Sara was truly kissing her back, showing her desire and need, and when Sara's tongue pressed at her lips gently seeking entrance, Haruka allowed her in. She didn't feel the same warm and familiar pool of want in her belly when Yukino kissed her but she could feel how very much Sara wanted her in this kiss. And for Haruka, that was enough, and she tried to return the kiss whole heartedly, pulling Sara closer until there wasn't a space between their bodies and when they parted it was only for lack of air. Sara buried her face in the crook of Haruka's neck and she laughed again, this time carefree and joyful, and Haruka was content to know she was the reason for Sara's happiness. Kissing the crown of Sara's head, charmed at the way her hair was disheveled and sticking every direction, just like Yukino's often did, Haruka said in a throaty murmur, "You'll come back as soon as you can?"
"I promise," replied Sara breathlessly, smiling wide and Haruka reciprocated that smile and the kiss that followed.
To be continued...
SERIES: My Otome
AUTHOR: Dreiser
EMAIL: dreiser7@yahoo.com
YAHOO ID: dreiser7
MY WEBSITE: http://www.dreiser.org/
CONTENT: F/F romance. F/F sex. Haruka/Shizuru.
WARNING: Major character deaths, angst, violence, and extreme situations.
SUMMARY: In a single moment of violence, those who matter most to Haruka Armitage and Shizuru Viola are lost. Together they try to restore the broken pieces of their lives and learn to exist without the person they love.
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing but my many long abandoned rics that I really do love and need to finish.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I know I abandoned this fic for a really long time and I'm sorry. I've always loved it and I promise I'm going to do my best to finish it just because I have the story entirely plotted out and I really do want to write it as I've come to love it and Shizuru/Haruka as a couple. Anyway! Here's an update!
Fragile Things
By: Dreiser
Six
Growing up with parents in the military gave Haruka a different childhood experience than most and she was aware it affected her personality in certain ways. She knew she had a habit of being abrasive and impatient, that she didn’t like to wait and hardly ever listened, that she often did what she felt was right without considering others. She had been raised to believe actions are more important than words and had little use for discussion. Yukino had always been the exception, and although it pained her to wait and discuss, she always did for Yukino and she always listened. There was no one else whose opinion she respected more and so Haruka always wanted to hear what Yukino had to say. Even when they disagreed.
Her parents regularly spoke of her failings. What she needed to improve and while it hurt to hear this as a child when she was older she saw the reasoning behind it. If you don’t know your own mistakes how can you correct them? That was why Haruka never backed away from criticism, whether it be from herself or others, and she was glaringly aware of her own limitations.
For instance, Haruka knew she was terrible at reading people and their moods, their emotions. She was fine when they were blatant and on display but when they were more subtle, hidden under the surface, masked by subterfuge she became confused and irritated. To her it was like playing games, doing things like that, and Haruka had no patience for games when it came to emotions. She thought it was a waste of time, something petty and cowardly, and she despised it.
It was why she didn’t like Shizuru when she first met her. The way she hid her feelings away, buried her true self beneath that image of charm and guile, but the more she got to know the brunette the more she found it was a defense mechanism of sorts. Shizuru’s way of protecting herself from people who had no interest in who she truly was as a person and were instead invested in the idea of her. Realizing this transferred Haruka’s disdain from Shizuru to those who made the brunette react this way. Even now, when she saw students at Garderobe treating Shizuru with blind awe and worship she felt a great swell of annoyance come up in her and had to restrain herself from scaring them off with a harsh word or severe glare.
As hapless as Haruka was at reading people she was still able to recognize the fact that Shizuru had been in a terrible mood for weeks now. Why she was in a terrible mood was beyond Haruka’s understanding. It didn’t have to do with Natsuki’s death, the loss they continued to feel for the women they loved was a constant topic between them. There was something else behind Shizuru’s mood swings, something she didn’t want to discuss, something other than Natsuki and Haruka had no idea what.
Every time she attempted to broach the subject Shizuru deftly moved them onto other topics with such skill it wasn’t until Haruka was alone that she realized what the other Otome had done. While Haruka found this avoidance immensely irritating she had never been much for talking in the first place. She believed it was better to be a person of action and as such she decided to act to remove Shizuru’s terrible mood on her own. After countless hours of contemplation Haruka landed onto the one thing she had always known the brunette to enjoy. Something she hoped would improve Shizuru’s increasingly disgruntled attitude.
Which is why Haruka burst into Shizuru’s office, her arms overflowing with numerous containers of tea. Shizuru was sitting at her desk, preparing for a staff meeting with the other Columns, and she had just seconds to take in the sight of Haruka before the tea was unceremoniously dumped onto her desk. Peering at Haruka over the mountain of tea, Shizuru raised an eyebrow in silent inquiry as she took in the triumphant and absurdly proud grin the blonde wore.
“There!” Haruka declared, dusting off her hands and placing them on her hips. “What do you think about that, bubuzuke?”
“I think it’s an impressive amount of tea that Haruka has presented me with,” said Shizuru slowly, amusement lacing her words along with an honest confusion. “However, I do find myself curious as to why she’s given me such a vast supply.”
“You like tea,” said Haruka simply.
“Yes, I do, but that doesn’t explain why Haruka has given me so much of it to me,” said Shizuru, still puzzled.
Scratching her cheek and grimacing, expecting to hear the denials she’d been dealing with for the past few weeks, Haruka muttered, “I wanted to cheer you up. Since you won’t tell me what’s wrong, this is all I could think of. I know you like tea. You sometimes smile when you drink it and you’re always trying new kinds of tea so I just figured…”
“That you would purchase the contents of an entire tea shop for me?” Shizuru pursued teasingly.
“Something like that,” said Haruka, an embarrassed flush clinging to her cheeks, her stance suddenly defensive. It was in moments like these that she missed Yukino the most. She had a talent for things like this, for understanding people, reading what was hidden beneath the surface and it was a skill that Haruka had never managed to attain no matter how hard she tried. On some level she knew she wasn’t clever enough to grasp it. Yukino and Shizuru, they were so much smarter than her, Sara too, and Haruka wondered in her darker moments how such intelligent people found any measure of worth in her. They were beyond her in so many ways and that was horribly evident now. It was such an inadequate and simple solution, presenting tea to Shizuru as a gift in some pathetic hope of improving her mood and Haruka felt an uncharacteristic surge of humiliation and moved to gather as many of the containers as she could into her arms. “Never mind,” she said harshly. “It was a dumb idea.”
“No!” Shizuru exclaimed, rising to her feet in a sudden movement, leaning across the table and placing her hands Haruka’s arms, stilling her retreat. “It isn’t stupid of Haruka, not in the least,” she murmured in heartfelt tones, her fingers moving on the blonde’s arms in a reassuring caress. “Thoughtful, sweet, and unexpected, but not dumb. Never that.”
“It’s just tea,” said Haruka who had a stubborn look on her face as she placed the containers back on Shizuru’s desk. “I’d have done something better but it’s all I could think of since you won’t tell me what’s really wrong.” Folding her arms across her chest, she said, “You going to change your mind about that and tell me what’s bugging you?”
There was exasperation and aggravation in violet eyes but a silent plea as well and Shizuru knew Haruka wanted to know not out of curiosity as so many others would but rather out of a genuine concern for her. That concern almost made Shizuru reveal the real reason behind her discontent. Her unhappiness with the developing relationship between Haruka and Sara. If she was to be brutally honest, Shizuru would admit that Nao had been right in her previous assessment. She was jealous.
Shizuru was considering whether or not to tell Haruka exactly that when Nao’s sardonic drawl announced the redhead’s presence. “Don’t tell me you expect us to drink all that,” Nao remarked and the two Columns turned to see her walking into the room followed by Sara. “Not everyone shares your obsession for tea, Shizuru. I’d rather have a beer.”
“On the contrary,” began Shizuru, moving from behind her desk and walking over to Haruka. “This was a most precious gift from Haruka. Therefore, it isn’t meant to be shared.” All too aware of Sara’s eyes on her, narrowed and discerning, Shizuru smiled winsomely at Haruka whose face took on a dark red hue, obviously thinking the brunette was teasing her again. Giving into a feeling of whimsy and a bit of malice towards Sara, she leaned over and pressed a soft kiss onto Haruka’s left cheek while cupping the right with her hand. When she pulled away, Haruka was redder than ever and wore a slight scowl on her features. Shizuru wasn’t sure why but she somehow found the reaction altogether charming and tried to concentrate on that instead of the feelings created by the chaste kiss and Haruka’s gesture of kindness. Trying to push it from her mind, Shizuru focused on Nao and remarked, “Beer wouldn’t be at all appropriate in a meeting between the Columns.”
“Another reason why I could do without this job,” said Nao, settling herself on the couch and peering up at Shizuru with a sardonic expression. “I’m still not sure Fumi-sama didn’t volunteer me for this job just to torture me. I could be married to a rich Duke right now and living the high life if it wasn’t for her little proclamation about making me the 4th Column.”
“You could always retire,” Sara pointed out. Stepping in between Shizuru and Haruka, she hooked her arm with Haruka’s and guided her over to the couch. Shizuru wore a veiled smile at the gesture, finding it a subtle but altogether deliberate method of putting distance between herself and Haruka on Sara’s part. They sat down, Sara ensuring Haruka was against the arm of the couch leaving no room for Shizuru to sit next to her. Sara then turned her attention to Shizuru, her green eyes calculating and calm as if to tell Shizuru her attempt to antagonize her had failed, and suggested, “Should we start?”
The meeting proceeded much as they had in the past. Shizuru was strangely comforted by the idea of running Garderobe much in the same manner that Natsuki had. Feeling that if she continued on that path it was a way of keeping Natsuki’s legacy as Principal alive. It also helped to aid her when she felt lost as to the manner she should conduct herself as Principal. It was a role she didn’t feel at all suited to at times but with Natsuki as an example Shizuru was certain there wasn’t any chance of failure.
Things were civilized, with quiet discussion on all matters, until Shizuru announced Sara’s newest assignment. A diplomatic mission to Zipang which would keep her away from Garderobe for at least a month. There were immediate protests from Sara, her cheeks hot and eyes blazing, and each one was dismissed from Shizuru with cool logic. In the end there was a stalemate with Shizuru calling on Sara’s duty as the 1st Column, reminding her how all diplomatic matters were hers to handle, and this was no exception. Sara listened to this with obvious resentment, her mouth tight in a frown, before she was forced to agree.
After all, everything that Shizuru said was the truth. They were her responsibilities and this was a mission she should be going on, not any of the other Columns, and being away from Garderobe for a month or more was par the course for Sara. None of that changed the fact that Sara believed that Shizuru wasn’t sending her away for the mission. She was sending her away to keep her from Haruka and what enraged Sara the most was it was well within Shizuru’s rights as Principal to do this.
There was no oversight for the Principal, she was the chosen leader of the Columns, and there had been very few instances in the history of the Otome where her decisions were overridden. As much as Sara felt Shizuru’s reasons for sending her on this mission weren’t what she claimed that wasn’t enough to refuse her orders. Nao wouldn’t support her. She had only exhibited a lazy amusement at the sight of Sara bickering with Shizuru and Haruka was unusually subdued. This left Sara alone in this political battle and she was intelligent enough to recognize it wasn’t a fight she could win.
It didn’t stop her from trying to get a final shot in when their meeting was at an end. Rising to her feet, Haruka standing at her side, Sara looked at Shizuru with narrowed eyes and remarked, “Selfishness doesn’t suit the leader of Garderobe.” She turned on her heel and started to walk out of the office, following after a still amused Nao, but paused when she noticed Haruka hadn’t moved. “Haruka?” she questioned, a gentle demand in her voice.
“If it’s all right,” began Shizuru smoothly, offering a glittering smile. “I need to talk to your oneesama in private.”
Never one to be easily antagonized, Sara returned the smile with a bright one of her own, dipping her head at Shizuru before turning on her heel and exiting the office. A confused look on her features, Haruka turned to Shizuru. “What’s going on?” she asked with a frown. “Why are you acting this way with Sara?”
“I’m sure I don’t know what Haruka means. I’ve simply sent Sara on a mission that falls under her duties as the 1st Column. What is so unusual about that?” asked Shizuru guilelessly.
“Maybe,” Haruka allowed, muttering and rubbing the back of her head. She had a look of consternation as she sat on the couch and peered up at Shizuru. “It just didn’t seem that way. I mean, it was more like you wanted to get rid of her than send her on a mission.” Scratching her cheek, Haruka paused, then reached for Shizuru’s hand, tugging her down until they were sitting next to each other on the couch. “When you were gone we all ran this place together. It wasn’t easy but we did it because we’re a team, you know? And it’s gotten easier with you back but just now… it didn’t seem like we were still a team. More like you were our master and we’re your servants.” Haruka had a painfully earnest look on her face as she gazed at Shizuru. “I don’t like feeling that way, Shizuru. It’s not how things should be with any of us.”
“Haruka,” said Shizuru quietly, swallowing the lump that suddenly appeared in her throat. “I’m sorry. I didn’t intend—”
“I know that,” interrupted Haruka, scoffing and offering a lopsided smirk. She lightly rapped Shizuru on her forehead, violet eyes shining as she drawled, “Just don’t do it again, huh?” When Shizuru returned her smile, Haruka slapped her own knees hard then said, “So! What did you want to talk to me about?”
Blinking at the sudden change in topic, Shizuru shook her head then tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. It was hard, even after all of these years, to get used to how easily Haruka forgave and moved on. The former General never seemed to dwell long on the bad things in life. Only Yukino’s death had ever truly slowed Haruka down. It was a testament to how much Haruka loved Yukino that she couldn’t move past her death when countless times before Haruka would immediately recover from whatever was thrown in her path, whether it caused her physical or emotional turmoil.
“I wish to honor Natsuki and Yukino’s final works,” said Shizuru. When Haruka blinked at her, she continued solemnly, “The Earl Defense Force and the plans they made for it were worthy ones. They shouldn’t be abandoned because of selfish and greedy men who hide behind acts of terrorism. I don’t believe that my Natsuki or your Yukino would have wanted that.” Taking Haruka’s hands in her own, Shizuru squeezed them gently. “Though they didn’t know it at the time, they died for the idea they had, that dream of the future. Because of that, I think we should keep it alive for them and ensure it comes true.”
Silence then Haruka enthusiastically nodded, squeezing Shizuru’s hands in a tight grip, her voice hoarse as she said, “You’re right. We shouldn’t give up on it. Yukino wouldn’t have wanted that. Neither would the Principal.”
“Then we’ll complete their work,” said Shizuru softly, her fingers lightly stroking Haruka’s palms. “Together.”
——
The next day, Sara left for Zipang and Haruka and Shizuru began their work to revive the plans for the Earl Defense Force and the restructuring of the Otome. From early in the day to well into the night they worked, day after day, until more than a month had passed and Sara’s mission in Zipang had been extended due to the unexpected appearance of the Schwartz. As a Column of Garderobe, Sara had naturally offered the Shogun her assistance. It wouldn’t be right to do otherwise.
Though she had an abundance of time alone with Haruka to broach the topic of Sara and her opinions on the burgeoning relationship between them, Shizuru never brought it up. She didn’t want to speak about Sara while she was with Haruka. Instead she wanted to concentrate on their time together and their work with the EDF which was quickly becoming something of an obsession for them both. As if bringing the organization back to life was somehow akin to revitalizing their lost loves though they knew painfully well this was impossible.
Late one evening, their work was interrupted by the noticeable rumbling of Haruka’s stomach. “That’s it, bubuzuke,” Haruka declared forcefully, rising to her feet and giving her midsection a smack that caused to Shizuru to wince in sympathetic pain. “We need to take a dinner break. I’m starving! My stomach even says so.”
“I wasn’t aware Haruka’s stomach enjoyed conversing with her,” said Shizuru teasingly, neatly putting away their paperwork. They had taken to working in their quarters for added comfort and privacy and the brunette headed towards her kitchen as she said, “I’m sure I must have something that would make it quiet again. Perhaps something from Aries cuisine?”
“Forget cooking,” said Haruka dismissively, stretching her arms over her head and tilting her head from side to side. “Lets just get something to eat in Wind City.” At this suggestion, Shizuru froze and Haruka blinked. “What? You’re allowed, aren’t you?”
“I am,” said Shizuru slowly. “The terms of my sentence does allow passage into Windbloom. It was needed in order for me to take up duties as the interim Principal. Diplomatic meetings would have been difficult should I be trapped at Garderobe.”
“Then lets go out,” said Haruka easily. “You should get away from this place. It’s got to be stippling, right?”
“I think Haruka means stifling,” murmured Shizuru with a fond smile. “And I never find it that way when she is with me.” When Haruka reddened at this, Shizuru darted her eyes away from the other woman before forming a winsome smile. “But I do have all of Haruka’s favorite foods from her homeland. Including a marvelous strawberry tart from a bakery in Mar. It would be a shame to waste it. Especially when it’s been purchased just for her.”
Frowning and following after Shizuru as she walked into her kitchen, Haruka replied, “We can eat that anytime. You’ve been stuck in here ever since you got back. Don’t you want a change in scenery?”
Standing in front of the refrigerator, her hand on the door, Shizuru’s hand turned white from how hard she was gripping it. Though she wasn’t the keenest person in the world, Haruka noticed this and the stiff set of Shizuru’s shoulders. Walking up behind the other woman, Haruka lightly rested her hand on Shizuru’s back. Well aware of the questions that were about to be given voice, Shizuru looked over her shoulder, offering a weak smile. “I would prefer to stay in,” she said quietly.
Haruka’s frown deepened as she stated, “You don’t hide.” Shizuru didn’t reply and Haruka turned the other woman around, ducking her head so their eyes would meet. “You don’t,” Haruka reiterated, as if to convince herself of this fact. “What is it?” Shizuru said Haruka’s name with a quiet sigh and looked off to one side, a stubborn set to her features that didn’t disappear, even when the blonde cupped her cheek in an achingly tender touch. “Tell me,” Haruka insisted.
“I did monstrous things to avenge Natsuki’s death,” said Shizuru, looking Haruka in the eyes, her gaze steady. “Horrible things read about and witnessed by the innocents of Windbloom and I…” Ducking her head down, Shizuru’s jaw clenched and she said stiffly, “I am nowhere as brave as Haruka would make me out to be. From certain things, I would very much like to hide.”
“Shizuru,” said Haruka softly and Shizuru waited for the rest of the sentence, for the ridicule, for the skepticism, but it never came. Instead she was gathered up in Haruka’s arms, held in a fierce embrace. “It wasn’t you.”
Laughing harshly at this, Shizuru said, “Then who was it? Someone who looked exactly like me and wears my GEM?”
“You know what I mean,” Haruka grumbled, pulling back and scowling at Shizuru. “Back when all that was happening, you weren’t yourself. Neither of us were. Maybe what you did, it wasn’t right, but it wasn’t all wrong either. Those men… they went along their whole lives thinking they were better than everybody else. That they could do whatever they wanted because of the status and power they were born into.” Haruka’s expression grew dark and she clenched her hands into fists. “It’s not justice how I was taught in Aries, by my parents and the military, but they deserved what they got. They killed thousands.”
“I almost killed innocents, Haruka,” said Shizuru, shaking out of the blonde’s grasp. “You never did that.”
“No, but I was with you all that time, wasn’t I?” Haruka retorted, glaring at Shizuru. “I guarded you every second of every day and I killed people too so don’t make it out like I’m some kind of saint. If you’re a horrible monster than so am I.”
“No,” Shizuru shook her head and said the word emphatically, knowing she spoke the truth. “It wasn't you. The plan for the revenge, the killings, you never would have done that on you own, Haruka. I dragged you into it.” Unbidden, Shizuru stepped forward, lightly touching Haruka’s face as she said in a whisper, “You did it for me. So I wouldn’t have to be alone.”
A dark red hue emerged on Haruka’s features and she looked at her feet. “Doesn’t matter why I did it,” she said after a long moment, looking up at Shizuru with an intense gaze. “The results are still the same.” She paused, looking away from Shizuru as she continued, “We both lost somebody. Maybe I don’t show it the same but I was just as angry about Yukino as you were about Natsuki. I just… my parents, you know?” Haruka said quietly, appearing almost brooding. “I grew up with war and I got used to awful things and it’s not the same with Yukino, she was my wife, but it wasn’t anything I hadn’t seen before.”
They never spoke of Haruka’s experiences with the Aries military. In the back of her mind, Shizuru knew how Haruka grew up, she was aware of how different it was from her luxurious upbringing as a daughter of an Archduke, but they never spoke about all the things Haruka had witnessed because of it. She wondered if Haruka even told Yukino. Part of Shizuru thought that Haruka would have wanted to shield her wife from those sort of things. Certainly it seemed like a Haruka thing to do. It was something chivalrous and kind, which to Shizuru fit very neatly into a Haruka characteristic.
“We shouldn’t pretend as if it didn’t happen,” said Shizuru and Haruka jerked her head up to look at her with wide eyes. “All those awful things we’ve seen and what we did in their names, all of it happened, and not thinking about it or speaking of it doesn’t take it away. Instead it simply festers, like a wound becomes infected.” Slowly, as if compelled, Shizuru reached for Haruka, pulling her into an embrace and when the blonde wrapped her arms around her waist, Shizuru felt like she could breathe again. “Ignoring it won’t help anything, Haruka,” she murmured.
“Then,” Haruka said this slowly, her brow furrowing as she looked at Shizuru. “We’ll go out to dinner in Wind City?” Before Shizuru could reply, she went on, “If we’re not ignoring and hiding anymore it only makes sense. Don’t you worry, bubuzuke,” she puffed her cheeks up then formed a rakish grin. “I won’t let anybody say something to you.”
“Haruka is most gallant,” said Shizuru, chuckling and wearing a fond expression. When Haruka blinked at her, Shizuru chuckled again and tapped her on the nose. “Which is to say she’s thoughtful and courageous, exactly as a prince should be.”
“You’re making fun of me, aren’t you?” questioned Haruka, frowning as she studied Shizuru.
“I considered it flirting but if Haruka rather call it making fun then I do find that agreeable,” said Shizuru airily, turning and walking out of the kitchen and towards her bedroom.
“Hey!” Haruka called, still frowning and putting her hands on her hips. “Where are you going?”
“To change my clothes,” said Shizuru, looking over her shoulder and flashing Haruka a winning smile. “If we’re going out for dinner then I want to look my best for Haruka. It’s the least I can do for my date.”
Left alone in the kitchen, Haruka wore a dumb expression as she silently mouthed the word date. Seconds later she scowled and rolled her eyes, shoving her hands into the pockets of her jacket, convinced Shizuru was messing with her yet again.
——-
The restaurant that Haruka chose was isolated and out of the way, just like the table they sat at, well from the eyes of any curious patrons. Shizuru noticed, with a great deal of fondness, how Haruka noticeably placed herself in the way of attention, deliberately using her body to block Shizuru from anyone's sight.
They ordered food and drinks, then were left alone to their own devices, and Shizuru noticed Haruka twisting her wedding ring around her finger. Moving on instinct, she reached for Haruka's hand, stilling this action. "Haruka," Shizuru said, smiling at the perplexed look Haruka gave her. Sliding her fingers through Haruka's, she joined their hands. "Why are you nervous?"
"I'm not nervous!" protested Haruka, her cheeks turning red and her expression indignant.
"Then why was Haruka playing with her wedding ring?" questioned Shizuru, a knowing look in her eyes. "You only do this when you feel anxious. I've noticed it often in the past and the habit has yet to change."
Haruka grumbled and she clenched her jaw, looking off to one side as she muttered, "You don't play fair, you know that, bubuzuke? Most people don't notice stuff like that but you..."
"But I?" prompted Shizuru guilelessly.
"But you notice everything," Haruka finished in thoroughly irritated tones. "It's annoying." Before Shizuru could respond, Haruka's hold seemed to tighten imperceptibly as she said, "Sometimes I think about the work we're doing with the EDF and I wonder if it's what Yukino would want. I mean," Haruka lifted her gaze and looked and Shizuru with wide and almost pleading eyes. "I'm not Yukino. I never could be. She was so much smarter than me in so many different ways and I don't think I could ever do the same things as her and sometimes I get stuck thinking if I'm doing things how she would want."
"I often feel the same in my duties as Principal," Shizuru revealed, smiling at the look of shock Haruka wore. "What?" she teased, tilting her head to one side. "Does Haruka truly think me so very confident?"
Snorting humorously, Haruka replied, "You got to admit you play up the image, Shizuru."
"Perhaps," allowed Shizuru with a soft smile. "All the same, the role as Principal is not one I was trained for and I often find myself questioning my actions. I find it helpful to try and imagine what Natsuki would do if she was in my place."
"Yeah," said Haruka quietly. "It's not the same though. I think maybe you and Natsuki, because you were Otome, you were closer with your work than Yukino and I ever were. Even if I try to figure what Yukino would do I can't ever really know for sure. She was so different from me." Haruka gave a derisive chuckle and said, "That's probably why I was in love with her."
"Is Haruka saying that she doesn't love herself?" asked Shizuru and though there was a light teasing to her question, Haruka could see a genuine concern lurking in her gaze.
"I don't know," Haruka admitted, scratching her cheek. "I think I know better than anybody what all my faults are and that's what has me wondering if I could ever do Yukino's dream any justice. No matter how hard I try, I can't ever be her."
"Why do you think that would ever be necessary?" Shizuru questioned with a frown. "Haruka has always proven herself able to any task she's put her mind to. Why would this be any different?"
"This isn't what I do, Shizuru," said Haruka, frustration creeping into her voice. She stared at her hand, once again twisting her wedding ring around her finger. Silence reigned for several moments until she said in a near whisper, "Yukino made this just for me, you know that?" Haruka lifted her head and offered a weak smile. "Remember when I got engaged? You and all the other Otome, even the Principal, making fun of me for not proposing. I was the obvious one to do it, me being bigger, stronger, all that... but I was happy Yukino proposed instead of me. That she told me how worried she was when I was stuck as a damn stone statue, afraid that she'd never get me back, and how she didn't want to waste anymore time." Staring at the ring again, Haruka muttered, "I was so happy back then." Running her finger over the engraving, Haruka continued, "I don't know if I'll ever be that happy again." Lifting her head, Haruka looked at Shizuru with a firm expression. "Yukino was stronger than me in so many ways that I could never explain. If I was the one gone, I know she could keep going."
"I understand," said Shizuru quietly. When Haruka stared at her blankly, Shizuru offered a winsome smile and said, "I saw that strength for myself after the enrollment battle and I defeated you for my Natsuki. She was less than pleased with me. I must admit, I rather prefer Haruka's wrath to Yukino's. Hers seemed scarier somehow."
Laughing at this, Haruka shook her head. "She was furious at you," Haruka grinned. "Maybe more than I was."
"She told me as much," revealed Shizuru with a smile. She paused, suddenly becoming serious as she said, "I want you to know, I regret my actions still. How I held back during our battles at the academy. I know you forgave me but--"
"Bridge under the water, bubuzuke," said Haruka carelessly, waving her hand and forming a lopsided grin. "Besides, you were fighting for the Principal and that's what made all the difference, didn't it? I understand that."
Amused at Haruka's verbal foible but feeling no need to correct it, Shizuru smiled softly. A smile that faded as she thought of all the things Natsuki had given her over the years. Things that were destroyed utterly or damaged and hiding in storage. She felt Haruka's hand on hers, holding it gently, and Shizuru looked up to the question in Haruka's gaze. "I wish Natsuki and I married. I know she loved me, truly and deeply, but sometimes I dream of the wedding we should have had." Shizuru looked at the candle on their table, focusing on the flame, as she continued, "There's nothing left, is there?"
"Shizuru?" Haruka asked with a frown.
"Our room," murmured Shizuru, a sad smile curving on her lips. "You were there, weren't you, Haruka? You gathered our things and put them somewhere safe for me. There wasn't anything left when I was done, was there? After I left the scene of the--" Shizuru stopped suddenly, unsure how to phrase it, crime, murder, tragedy? In the end, she settled on not calling it anything at all. "I returned to our quarters and I was mad with grief. I doubt there was much to recover."
"There were a few things that were okay," said Haruka quietly, still holding onto Shizuru's hand. A look of concern was furrowed on Haruka's brow as she said, "Do you want me to tell you what I kept? I only threw away the stuff that there was no way you'd ever be able to fix it, things that were crushed and shattered, but everything else I put in storage." An anxious look formed on Haruka's features. "I should've asked you before I did anything. Gotten permission."
"No, Haruka," said Shizuru quickly, squeezing her hand in reassurance. "You did the right thing. It's as I told you before, returning to that place, where I had shared so much with my Natsuki, it's unimaginable for me now. I would be overwhelmed and I fear it would return me to that dark place which I've only recently escaped from. Haruka did the right thing. She is, as she has always been, a thoughtful and true friend."
"Bubuzuke," muttered Haruka, the tips of her ears turning red, and Shizuru delighted in the sight. It was an honest and enchanting reaction and it was one of the many small reasons why Haruka had wormed her way into Shizuru's heart. Her total lack of subterfuge, how nothing remained hidden with her, and everything in the end, was laid bare. Haruka coughed and a determined look seized her features as she murmured, "I think when you're ready, we should go through everything. I'm sure there's got to be things in there that you'd want. Things Natsuki gave to you that'd bring back happy memories."
"I believe Haruka is correct in her estimation," said Shizuru softly, "but this is not the time."
The waitress returned with their food and soon, Haruka was too busy dealing with Shizuru's flirting and her insistence on feeding Haruka bits and pieces of her meal. Eventually, Haruka gave in with a grumble and a severely dirty look, opening her mouth and allowing Shizuru to feed her a bite of her dessert, a slice of strawberry cake that reminded Haruka of happier days. Though, she had to admit, this had been one of the most enjoyable evenings she experienced in some time.
----
It was a great relief to the Garderobe students when Haruka remained in charge of the Fighting Tactics classes. While she was a stern teacher who sometimes had moments where she utterly lacked patience, she was a kind one as well, and many found her far less intimidating than Miss Maria. Perhaps because Haruka would laugh and she would smile and when she complimented you, it was boisterous on such a level you couldn't doubt you did a good job. This quickly endeared her to many Otome trainees who would have sorely missed her as an instructor.
As loved as Haruka was by the students, the more they knew her, the less remote she became. She transformed from a distant idol into a real person and many could no longer put her on the far away pedestals that many of their Otome heroes resided on. For Haruka, this was ideal. She never could stand being idolized, she found the very concept ridiculous and she was glad the trainees were now seeing her as a person, no different from them.
However, it was quite a different attitude when it came to Shizuru.
Despite their actions involving Fidelus Altus and the whispers of revenge and rage and madness, or maybe for some because of it, Shizuru remained a revered figure for many trainees. Her elusive distance paired with perfect manners and charming smiles kept her ever present fanbase attracted and it irritated Haruka just the same as when they were students. Age did mellow her some though and instead of scaring off the admirers with shouts and threats, she settled for looks that could kill and a very obvious disapproval that barely simmered beneath the surface, a glower on her features when she bore witness to some of Shizuru's more enthusiastic fans. This was certainly her reaction when Shizuru appeared towards the end of her Fighting Tactics class and several trainees immediately clamored around her for attention.
Haruka huffed and ignored it, focusing on the students that always sought her after class, asking her for further advice on their fighting techniques and sometimes requesting additional training. She was going through her schedule to arrange a training session for five of the Corals who were currently battling for the top ranked position when she felt a soft touch at the small of her back. It was strange, knowing it was Shizuru without turning to look at her. Haruka never had this with anyone but Yukino, an ability to sense their presence. After all, she was hardly the most observant person in the world. That was what sidelined her in many of her battles. The inability to see anything beyond the surface. Deception and guile was never in her nature and neither was watching her back for underhanded attacks. That being so, Haruka never quite managed to see things unless their confronted her head on. She never had a sixth sense about anything unless it pertained to Yukino.
Maybe she didn't have that for Shizuru but Haruka knew her. She knew her better than anyone else knew Shizuru and it meant something to Haruka that she could feel Shizuru's presence without looking at her. It was comforting in a strange way, to have that closeness again and it reassured her immensely.
"Are you finished for the day?" Shizuru's voice echoed in her ear and Haruka grunted in affirmation. She nodded at her students, reminding the time and place for the training session, and they chimed their consensus eagerly. Haruka sighed, looking at the shine of admiration in their eyes, sure it was directed at Shizuru and wondering why blind hero worship couldn't at least escape the better trainees. Rolling her eyes, Haruka grasped Shizuru's hand in her own, leading them quickly away from the students. As they walked, Shizuru tilted her head to one side, an affectionate smile curving on her lips as she reached out to curl a lock of Haruka's hair around her finger. "Haruka is a popular instructor. I've been told that enrollment in all levels of the Fighting Tactics classes has increased tenfold since she took over for Miss Maria. She must be proud."
"Being an Otome isn't a popularity contest," said Haruka derisively.
"No, it's about guts, isn't it?" Shizuru teased and Haruka scoffed. Clucking her tongue and sighing, Shizuru hooked her arm in Haruka's and led her across the grounds. "Popularity might not matter to Haruka but surely it makes her feel good to know the students enjoy her classes." Haruka grumbled in response and Shizuru smiled mischievously, poking Haruka in the side and ducking her head to meet their eyes. "It is flattering to hear, is it not?"
"I guess," admitted Haruka reluctantly, puffing out her cheeks. "Mostly it's nice to see them learning from me, you know? I like knowing I'm actually helping them and sometimes..." She trailed off, her cheeks turning red, and she muttered, "It's stupid."
"If Haruka thinks it, I'm sure it's anything but," murmured Shizuru with quiet strength and when Haruka turned to her she saw the unwavering support in rust colored eyes and it warmed her heart. "Tell me?"
"Sometimes I think about what's going to happen when they leave here," said Haruka quietly. "How screwed up things are right now with the world leaders and the nobles. Our work with the EDF makes me see that and I picture them fighting each other for the sake of corrupt Masters that don't deserve their loyalty and I hope maybe, somehow, some of the things I've taught them helps." Haruka shook her head and released a bitter laugh. "It's stupid. Thinking I'd be that important in the end."
"It isn't stupid," said Shizuru strongly, moving to stand in front of Haruka. She reached out slowly, touching Haruka's face with the palm of her hand, fingers extending gently over her skin in a soft caress. "It's wonderful to want such a thing."
"I just want it to be better for them," said Haruka quietly. "The Otome system has never been perfect but looking at all the things Natsuki and Yukino found... it just makes all the bad things so much clearer. We can't ignore it anymore."
"There was a great deal of wrong to be found," Shizuru agreed, leading Haruka down the path, pausing at the entrance to the small grove where they had trained together so many years ago. She surprised Haruka by arranging her dress carefully and sitting down on the grass, peering up at Haruka with an inviting look in her eyes. Haruka soon settled next to her and Shizuru said, "I think we will be successful in our endeavor. Certainly, our opposers will be less tempted to threaten us after our recent actions, and there are far more countries who will gain from our plans than those who will suffer. It will ensure that all nations in Earl operate on an even playing field as far as Otome are concerned."
"Sort of hard to believe we've got so many countries who've never had an Otome," said Haruka thoughtfully. "I guess it makes sense though. The academy isn't exactly cheap. I never liked it," she muttered, frowning severely. "The idea that the rich could just pay for their own personal army and Garderobe didn't get any real say over where Otome went. That as long as you could foot the bill and your candidate was good enough, you got yourself the most powerful soldier on Earl."
"Of course," said Shizuru with mild humor. "Some soldiers are more powerful than others."
Making a noise at this, Haruka eyed Shizuru and said, "It's pretty lucky you ended up as a Column, bubuzuke. I think Artai and Cardair would've wet themselves if you'd ended up working for the Windbloom royals."
"I rather think my father would have allowed me to laze about the house, to be honest," said Shizuru playfully.
"Daddy's girl," remarked Haruka, a grin forming and she laid down on the grass, peering up at Shizuru. "It figures."
"It was hard to be anything but a daddy's girl due to my mother's death," said Shizuru honestly. "I barely remember her, to be honest. She died when I was so young and my father has always been a constant presence in my life. He spoiled me," she said this with a chuckle and Haruka snorted, causing Shizuru to beam at her. "I suppose he didn't know any other way. I've always felt like he was trying to make up for the fact that my mother was gone and because of that he gave me whatever he thought I wanted. In the end, perhaps, it did me more harm than good."
"My folks are almost identical in personality," said Haruka casually. Her face screwed up in a comical expression and she muttered, "It's kind of weird when I think about it. I mean, there are times when they'd say the exact same thing at the exact same time. At least they don't look alike."
"Is that why Haruka loved Yukino so? Because she was different from herself?" asked Shizuru with a genuine curiosity.
"Once you helped me figure things out it sort of felt like I always loved her," Haruka revealed, looking up at Shizuru. "We'd known each other since we were kids, you know? I think maybe it started with how kind she was. I can't help mixing up my words. I've tried since I was young to stop it and there were a million things I did to help but nothing ever worked and I just got used to people thinking stuff about me because of it. That I was stupid mostly. I got used to people making fun of me for it, laughing behind my back." Haruka said scornfully, "They'd never say anything to my face. Too afraid, I guess, and it's not like insulting people is a brave thing to do so it makes sense. Anyway," Haruka sighed. "Yukino never did that. She just accepted it as part of who I was and she never made me feel stupid, even with her being so much smarter. It was like everything I did and said mattered to her and I never felt that way with anyone else."
"Natsuki was the first person to reject me," said Shizuru humorously. Haruka's eyebrows immediately shot up and Shizuru laughed at her reaction, smiling happily. "It's shocking, isn't it? Until her everyone I thought to approach always accepted my affections when I made an offer but Natsuki..." Shizuru shook her head and her eyes had a far off look as she focused on the distance, lost in the memories. "She wanted more than what I had to give and she made me reconsider my life and my choices. Haruka was my first friend, the first person besides my father to truly know me, but Natsuki forced me to lower my defenses and trust another. She never held back from me either, she always spoke her mind, and once I let her in, she never allowed me to deflect her for long. I always knew I needed her more than she needed me but when she died--" Shizuru swallowed hard and looked down at Haruka. "That became so abundantly clear."
"She'd want you to go on," said Haruka in a murmur. "I didn't know the Principal that well but I'm pretty sure about that."
"Haruka is right, Natsuki would want that," said Shizuru softly, her fingers digging into the dirt, and trying not to think about how hard it still was to get up and make it through the day knowing Natsuki was gone. "I also think she would want me to try and be close to another as I was to her in order to help myself but I don't think it's possible. I've been playing my part for so very long and sometimes I think Natsuki will always be the only one able to see it for what it is other than Haruka."
Considering Shizuru thoughtfully, Haruka tapped her fingers lightly on the top of her hand, only stopping when Shizuru entwined their fingers and studying them, Haruka murmured, "I never liked how people look at you. Maybe it bugs me because I know I that I can't see the trees for the forest. I've never been good at figuring things out that aren't obvious and if I'm like that and I can see when you're putting on your little act, why can't they? They just go blindly along when you're pretending like it's the real you and I hate that." Haruka stared up at Shizuru, a hard look on her features. "I hate it because it kept you separate from people for years because you couldn't trust anyone who believed that show you put on. I can't blame you for feeling that way, bubuzuke, but it's not right. Never has been."
"Haruka," said Shizuru quietly and she didn't know why tears were in her eyes but they were and she saw Haruka frown deeper and curse, pushing herself up and hurriedly wiping the tears away as they fell. Shaking her head and laughing in a strangely joyful manner, she confessed, "I don't know why I'm crying."
"That makes two of us then," Haruka muttered, finished wiping away the tears, and wearing a wry smile Shizuru laughed at. Haruka's touch lingered on Shizuru's face, cupping it in her hands, and she looked steadfast into Shizuru's eyes, holding her in a solemn gaze. "I don't know a lot but I know you and you know me, Shizuru. None of that fake stuff, the airs, and the stupid reputations matter. You and me, we know each other, and I'll always be there for you."
"Where is this coming from?" asked Shizuru, feeling a mild panic, wondering if Haruka knew something she didn't. Just the thought of losing Haruka caused immense dread, and Shizuru was positive she wouldn't survive it, not after Natsuki dying.
"Dunno," Haruka scoffed and heaving a sigh as she flopped back on the grass. "Maybe it's all the plans for the EDF and the meetings we've been having with the world leaders? I just feel like we're going to get threats soon and things are going to get tough but none of that matters to me. Not if I'm helping achieve Yukino's dream and not so long as I've got you with me." She formed a wild grin and whapped Shizuru in the midsection as she declared, "You and me, bubuzuke! We can do anything we put our minds to. Especially when it's for Natsuki and Yukino."
"Yes," said Shizuru, smiling softly, "especially when it's for them."
Whatever Haruka was going to say next was silenced by the familiar cry of her name and Shizuru instinctively frowned on hearing it. Moments later, Sara Gallagher was landing in front of them, dematerializing her robe and wearing a huge grin that Haruka matched as she leapt to her feet. The feeling was uncomfortable and unsettling, watching as they embraced in a hug, Sara laughing gleefully as Haruka lifted her off the ground, chastising Sara affectionately for being gone so long. With not a little irritation, Shizuru rose to her feet and left them alone, thinking Haruka most likely wouldn't notice she was missing and if she did maybe she would feel a bit guilty. Though it was spiteful of her, that thought gave her a small measure of comfort.
----
Haruka did indeed notice Shizuru's absence and it caused her to frown and wonder at it but her thoughts were soon focused on Sara and news of her trip to Zipang. She had returned only temporarily, having to speak to Shizuru on behalf of the Shogun, before returning to aid the nation with the investigation of the Schwartz attacks. They had theories on who hired the Schwartz but nothing solid and Sara had promised her assistance until the real culprits were caught.
They settled in Haruka's quarters, as was their habit, and Haruka set about making a quick and easy meal consisting of dishes she knew to be Sara's favorites. Thanks to her childhood as a military brat, Haruka had traveled all over Aries, and she learned to cook quite an array of food, including the traditional meals of Mar, which was where Sara grew up. Watching as Sara dug into her meal with certain zeal, Haruka grinned. As mature as Sara was, she reminded Haruka of a child when she ate. There was a simple joy when Sara had a good meal and it pleased Haruka to provide that for her.
"You've been spending a lot of time with the Shogun then," remarked Haruka, sitting next to Sara at the table, and reaching for her drink. Sara nodded and took another bite of her food before washing it down with a drink of wine.
"Zipang is expanding rapidly, as you know," said Sara seriously, straightening in her chair. "He suspects certain western nations are feeling the strain of their increasing wealth and power. Frightened of the idea of what they could become and perhaps they mean to stop Zipang's rise while it's still a possibility. To do this openly would mean war and with how unstable the treaty of nations has become since Artai's defeat, that's hardly the soundest strategy. Hence, hiring the Schwartz."
"They're just cowards," said Haruka, her voice thick with disdain. "You have any clue who it is?"
"A few suspects but nothing solid," said Sara, sounding thoroughly disappointed to admit this. Shaking her head and taking another bite of her food, she muttered around it, "Maybe Viola wasn't just trying to get rid of me by sending me off to Zipang. They have a lot going on and as advanced as they're becoming they don't have the experience to deal with it."
"Shizuru wouldn't send you off for putty reasons," Haruka defended fiercely. "She's doing her best as Principal and it's hard for her, trying to do Natsuki's work. I know how hard it's been for me, helping her with the EDF, always thinking and wondering about how Yukino would handle things, always second guessing myself and that's just some of the time. It's not like that's my main duty around here. Shizuru's doing Natsuki's job all the time with her position as the 3rd Column." Huffing and folding her arms over her chest, she grumbled, "Fumi-sama should pick a 2nd Column already. How long has it been?"
"Petty reasons," Sara corrected gently, watching Haruka with careful eyes. "And it's been two and half years now but I think you already know that, Haruka."
Staring Sara down, well aware of how right she was, how she couldn't seem to stop counting the minutes, days, months, and years since Yukino died. It was ever present in her mind and she wished it wasn't. That she could forget but it was out of the question and maybe that was why Haruka reached for the bottle of wine and poured herself a glass. She hardly ever drank but tonight it seemed like a good idea. Particularly with Sara looking at her with impossibly kind eyes.
"I wish I didn't," Haruka muttered, finishing off the drink and setting it down on the table, walking into the living room and standing by the long windows, gazing out at the campus. Sometimes she wondered at the design of these quarters. How she managed to get a nice view but Shizuru, who lived right next to her, got stuck looking at a bunch of buildings. She started at a soft touch to her shoulder and turned to see Sara standing beside her. "Sorry," she sighed. "I don't know what's wrong with me." Studying Sara's features, tender and filled with concern for her, she felt a familiar tug in her heart. Unable to help herself, she touched that face, absently noting how soft the skin was. "Some homecoming, huh? But I did miss you."
"Of course you did," said Sara, a mischievous smile on her lips. "The daily calls and weekly gifts assured me of that." Haruka reddened at this and looked away from Sara who relished this reaction. "I just have one question. Why so much food?"
"You don't eat right if I'm not watching you!" Haruka protested indignantly. "You'll just eat whatever junk is in front of you."
"Mou!" Sara exclaimed, bouncing around Haruka to stand in front of her. "I think you just love to exaggerate my terrible eating habits. Which really aren't all that bad."
"One week I caught you eating nothing but candy bars," reminded Haruka sternly.
"Some of them were protein bars," said Sara, though her cheeks still held a flush of embarrassment.
"My point stands," said Haruka with dry humor. She found herself reaching out again, fingering a lock of Sara's light blonde hair between her fingers thoughtfully. "When do you have to go back?"
"Tomorrow or the day after," Sara replied in a whisper.
Haruka nodded solemnly at this and questioned, "When will you return? For good this time?"
"I don't know," said Sara sadly and she looked like she wanted to say something more. She wanted to apologize for leaving but she knew Haruka well enough that she wouldn't appreciate it. Hearing Sara apologize for doing her duty wasn't needed, not when it was something that Haruka understood and accepted as a part of their lives as Otome. "Soon, I hope."
"We'll just have to make the most of the time we have," said Haruka strongly.
She nodded and beamed at Sara who laughed and agreed, moving in for a hug. Haruka returned the hug, noting the shine of tears in Sara's eyes and the way she clung to her, almost as if she was afraid of their inevitable parting. It reminded her so much of Yukino that it was painful but it was a pleasant ache. One that Haruka wouldn't lose for anything. Perhaps that's why Haruka didn't back away as she watched Sara lift her head and rise up on her toes, her actions were hesitant and easily telegraphed, even for Haruka. She knew what was coming and when their lips met in a breath of a kiss, nothing more than a light touch of their lips, it hardly came as a surprise. The fact that she wanted it to happen again was though. It wasn't anything like her first kiss with Yukino. That was all instinct and passion and emotion pouring out of Haruka, it was all of her love held back by confusion finally being let loose and Yukino matched her affections completely. This kiss with Sara, it was a soft thing, fearful in a way, and Haruka could see Sara waiting for her rejection and it was more than she could take.
Sara had done so much for her and maybe she didn't make Haruka feel like Yukino did but who could ever do that? Haruka didn't think it was even possible for her to love someone as much as she loved Yukino. To share that all encompassing connection but just the same, she did feel something for Sara, and she hated seeing that look on her face. Not when Sara was so much like Yukino in how she treated her. Only Yukino ever treated her gently, with any measure of care, everyone else saw how she fought and how rough her personality was and treated her accordingly. Never thinking twice of speaking bluntly to her, never considering how their words or actions might hurt her feelings, but Yukino treated her like she was a precious and delicate thing. This kiss they just shared, hesitant and meager as it was, reminded Haruka of that. Of how Sara saw more than the front she presented, beyond the bluster and the bragging, to who she really was. The fact that Sara did all of that for her and still believed that Haruka would spurn her...
"Don't cry," said Haruka roughly, wiping away the tears that had started to fall, "not because of me." Sara laughed and started to reply but Haruka pulled her closer and lowered her head, capturing her lips in a firm kiss.
In the back of her mind, Haruka did wonder why this didn't feel like a betrayal to Yukino. Was it because Sara reminded her so much of Yukino? Or was she just more concerned with erasing the sadness in those bright green eyes? Sara had shown time and time again how much she cared for her and the idea that she didn't think herself worthy, it tore at Haruka, and she wanted to rid Sara of those feelings. Especially when being with Sara brought Haruka a measure of comfort and happiness, reminding her of happier times with Yukino. She couldn't lose that, she needed it to survive. Of that, Haruka was sure.
All her life, she had only been with Yukino, only kissed and touched Yukino, and she never wanted it to be any other way but Yukino was gone and while she knew she shouldn't compare, Haruka couldn't help it. Kissing Sara lacked the intensity, the utter need, of her embraces with Yukino but it was soothing and it was sweet and Haruka did find it enjoyable. Enough that she wanted to do it again the instant they separated but was stopped by the amusing sight of Sara's small wire rimmed glasses filled with steam. This happened one or two times with Yukino and it never failed to entertain and beguile Haruka and it was no different now with Sara. The younger Otome blushed at this and started to reach for her glasses but Haruka removed them for her, carefully folding them up and putting them in the pocket of her pants.
"Can you see?" asked Haruka humorously, caressing the side of Sara's face, taking in the way she leaned into her touch.
"Haruka," Sara pouted playfully, poking Haruka in the stomach. "I'm not blind."
"Good," Haruka breathed and she kissed Sara again. For the first time, she felt as if Sara was truly kissing her back, showing her desire and need, and when Sara's tongue pressed at her lips gently seeking entrance, Haruka allowed her in. She didn't feel the same warm and familiar pool of want in her belly when Yukino kissed her but she could feel how very much Sara wanted her in this kiss. And for Haruka, that was enough, and she tried to return the kiss whole heartedly, pulling Sara closer until there wasn't a space between their bodies and when they parted it was only for lack of air. Sara buried her face in the crook of Haruka's neck and she laughed again, this time carefree and joyful, and Haruka was content to know she was the reason for Sara's happiness. Kissing the crown of Sara's head, charmed at the way her hair was disheveled and sticking every direction, just like Yukino's often did, Haruka said in a throaty murmur, "You'll come back as soon as you can?"
"I promise," replied Sara breathlessly, smiling wide and Haruka reciprocated that smile and the kiss that followed.
To be continued...
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*does a little dance then settles down to read*
Loving the Haruka/Shizuru bits. I sorta feel sorry for Sara, since I think she has real feelings for Haruka. *sigh* Well, I guess I'll see where you take this!
^__^
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